I tried to bring back the Kink with my wife. She didn't respond so well. What do you think?

[CuriousEdge]

My wife and I have a fairly active sex life, once or twice a week. Nothing crazy sexual beyond missionary, her on top or me from behind. It's second marriage for us both and her first husband was not very sexual. I've gotten her to open up a lot about her fantasies of being with other men (double penetration) and being with a women. She absolutely explodes when I tell her stories while we are having sex. However, she will not talk about it unless in the bed or she's had a few glasses of wine. She travels every few months and recently was in Vegas for a conference. When we were having sex before she left town I told her I had an idea for a super fun sexy game. While she was out of town, I wanted her to look for a man she'd like to fuck or a woman she'd like to be with. Then, when she was back at her hotel pleasure herself thinking about him/or and tell me all about it. She's masterbated on the phone with me before so it's nothing new. She promised me "while we were in bed" that she'd do it and would be fun. She leaves town the next day for a five day conference. She doesn't bring it up again so I remind her of our fun game. She agrees to keep an eye out, then noting. Didn't bring it up again the entire time. When she was in the airport coming home I asked her how come she didn't go through with it. Her response was to blow it off an not address it. Fast forward a few days later and I asked her if we can bring some toys back in the bedroom, like we used to do just after getting married. I used to fuck her with a XL dildo and she pretended she was fucking another guy while I watched her. She literally would squirt every time we used it, but then she lost interest. A few days after she got home from the conference I went to the Hustler Store and picked up some fun toys and a large dildo, though not quite as large as the last one she used. Days went by with out her wanting me to break them out. I told her I'd really like to play with her with the toys. She got angry ,combative and told me I was clearly not happy with her in the bedroom. I explained that was totally not the case and loved her, her body and being with her. I told her I thought it would be super sexy, fun and she knew it was something that I liked. Plus, she used to play with toys. As a side note, when we first got married she would film herself with the dildo and text it to me at work. It would drive me crazy. All that has stopped, except the normal sex, normal positions on her terms. Her response made me feel guilty and a bit dirty. I don't know why she would all of a sudden change and not be the same person in the bed. One of my college buddies told me I should just be happy because my wife is fucking me.

I would really appreciate hearing what y'all t think especially the ladies. Thanks!

 

[Escierto]

Your college buddy was right!

 

[Britva415]

If you are unhappy with her in bed, admit it.

If you aren’t, drop it.

 

[Bi4Older84]

Honestly, it sounds like you're probably just pushing everything too hard. It sounds like you have the best intentions and you want to have fun and let your wife let loose, but it may not be perceived that way by her. Your enthusiasm and excitement to do "different" things may make her feel like standard sex with her is not sufficient for you.

It sounds like the fun play and sex toys need to be something that SHE needs to take the lead on, at her pace and her level of being comfortable. Just because someone did something previously doesn't necessarily mean that they will always be interested in the same way.

 

[Britva415]

If you aren’t, drop it.

Or, at least, stop trying to get her to go along with it.

In either case, there’s a way to talk to her about it which doesn’t come off like pressuring her into doing stuff she doesn’t seem to want to do anymore.

If it’s important to you to know what changed and why, I’m sure you can figure out how to have that talk without it coming off like pressure to do it.

 

[LMWM321]

Honestly, it sounds like you're probably just pushing everything too hard. It sounds like you have the best intentions and you want to have fun and let your wife let loose, but it may not be perceived that way by her. Your enthusiasm and excitement to do "different" things may make her feel like standard sex with her is not sufficient for you.

Well said @Bi4Older84

Some times guys think that when their partner's interest in sex begins to wane a bit, it's time to ratchet up the "kink" but in reality, the opposite may be the better plan.

When my wife's interest in sex began to plummet during menopause, I had the brilliant idea of convincing her to watch some porn with me - something she never does. I cued up a video of two couples having group sex. I'll never forget how her eyes welled with tears as she looked at me and said, "why on earth would you think watching four gorgeous, tight-bodied 30-somethings writhing and moaning in ecstasy would do anything but make me feel worse about my body and my struggle to enjoy even basic masturbation..?" UGH!!! I felt like such an idiot. She wasn't truly angry with me as she knew my intentions were good, but I clearly missed the mark.

If I were you @CuriousEdge I'd take a several week break from ANY kind of kink, and show her you're fine with just basic sex. ..Or better yet, go a step further and limit your next several sessions to just you giving her a sensual massage with NO expectation of sex afterwards. ...Make it your goal to make her feel loved and adored even when sex is off the table.

 

[Mike302]

Yea. Cut it out for while.

Talk about it some other time when things are going well when you're not having sex.

It's like making a cat do something. Has to be her idea.

 

[SweetCuriousDarling]

Here's what I'll say from personal experience: when I was first with my ex-husband, I was eager to do the things that I knew excited him. However, it became very evident over time that he wasn't at all dialled in to the things that actually interested/excited me. This carried into our day-to-day life, with me feeling as though he didn't prioritize the things that were important to me, such as cleaning up after himself around the house, etc. As a result, I completely pulled back from doing the things I knew he enjoyed/desired, as well. In the end, our entire relationship died.

All this to say, perhaps she did those things in the beginning because she knew *you* found them sexy. Perhaps she found it exciting to excite you. But it's possible that she's now feeling as though you're not tuned in to *her* at all, and only focused on your own needs and desires. I don't know that this is the case, but it's a possibility. It was absolutely the case for me.

 

[LMWM321]

@SweetCuriousDarling

Great post! I truly think that idea is missed by a lot of guys.

As I see it, if you want sex with your wife to be more like it "Used to be" then tend to your appearance, manners and attentiveness to HER like it "Used to be" back when you were dating and trying to impress her. Don't take her attraction toward you as a given just because you're married. Continue trying to earn it like you did when you were dating.

Though my wife and I have been married for nearly 35 years I still try to be the most desirable guy in her orbit. I show her love and affection every day (and not just as a prelude to sex) and I do my reasonable best to be as attractive and appealing as I can AND do my share of the chores. It's not always easy, but I think it's one of the reasons we still have frequent and great sex.

 

[CDJohnny6969]

Well said @Bi4Older84

Some times guys think that when their partner's interest in sex begins to wane a bit, it's time to ratchet up the "kink" but in reality, the opposite may be the better plan.

When my wife's interest in sex began to plummet during menopause, I had the brilliant idea of convincing her to watch some porn with me - something she never does. I cued up a video of two couples having group sex. I'll never forget how her eyes welled with tears as she looked at me and said, "why on earth would you think watching four gorgeous, tight-bodied 30-somethings writhing and moaning in ecstasy would do anything but make me feel worse about my body and my struggle to enjoy even basic masturbation..?" UGH!!! I felt like such an idiot. She wasn't truly angry with me as she knew my intentions were good, but I clearly missed the mark.

If I were you @CuriousEdge I'd take a several week break from ANY kind of kink, and show her you're fine with just basic sex. ..Or better yet, go a step further and limit your next several sessions to just you giving her a sensual massage with NO expectation of sex afterwards. ...Make it your goal to make her feel loved and adored even when sex is off the table.

Yea same happened w my wife. She still takes care of me but it’s not the same not even close. One of the reasons I’m here. My sex drive is still very high which she understands and doesn’t mind me doing what I need to do.

 

[Melody_Lightdraft2]

My wife and I have a fairly active sex life, once or twice a week. Nothing crazy sexual beyond missionary, her on top or me from behind. It's second marriage for us both and her first husband was not very sexual. I've gotten her to open up a lot about her fantasies of being with other men (double penetration) and being with a women. She absolutely explodes when I tell her stories while we are having sex. However, she will not talk about it unless in the bed or she's had a few glasses of wine. She travels every few months and recently was in Vegas for a conference. When we were having sex before she left town I told her I had an idea for a super fun sexy game. While she was out of town, I wanted her to look for a man she'd like to fuck or a woman she'd like to be with. Then, when she was back at her hotel pleasure herself thinking about him/or and tell me all about it. She's masterbated on the phone with me before so it's nothing new. She promised me "while we were in bed" that she'd do it and would be fun. She leaves town the next day for a five day conference. She doesn't bring it up again so I remind her of our fun game. She agrees to keep an eye out, then noting. Didn't bring it up again the entire time. When she was in the airport coming home I asked her how come she didn't go through with it. Her response was to blow it off an not address it. Fast forward a few days later and I asked her if we can bring some toys back in the bedroom, like we used to do just after getting married. I used to fuck her with a XL dildo and she pretended she was fucking another guy while I watched her. She literally would squirt every time we used it, but then she lost interest. A few days after she got home from the conference I went to the Hustler Store and picked up some fun toys and a large dildo, though not quite as large as the last one she used. Days went by with out her wanting me to break them out. I told her I'd really like to play with her with the toys. She got angry ,combative and told me I was clearly not happy with her in the bedroom. I explained that was totally not the case and loved her, her body and being with her. I told her I thought it would be super sexy, fun and she knew it was something that I liked. Plus, she used to play with toys. As a side note, when we first got married she would film herself with the dildo and text it to me at work. It would drive me crazy. All that has stopped, except the normal sex, normal positions on her terms. Her response made me feel guilty and a bit dirty. I don't know why she would all of a sudden change and not be the same person in the bed. One of my college buddies told me I should just be happy because my wife is fucking me.

I would really appreciate hearing what y'all t think especially the ladies. Thanks!

I made a similar mistake, using a toy on myself while we were both in bed. That was sixteen years ago, bare in mind she is 13 years older than me. She had said that she now found sex uncomfortable, but declined any thought of counseling.
The other day she let slip that her first husband had said, "fucking her was like fucking a wet paper bag."

The penny dropped.

Pleasuring myself made her feel worthless.

 

[MiaBabe23]

It sounds as if a lot hinged on your enthusiasm for her choosing someone she might fantasize about while she was away, and your disappointment at her not doing so - and presumably various underlying frustrations then erupted?
So, my thoughts -
If I was in a relationship and my partner strongly encouraged me to fantasize about someone while I was away, questions going through my mind might be:
Does he not get the difference between that momentary fantasy and reality?
Is this to justify him choosing someone? Who? Is it a friend / colleague/ neighbor/ etc?
Is he wanting a threesome?
Is he thinking about having an affair?
Is he having an affair?
Why am I suddenly not good enough for him? Why doesn’t he just want us to have sex again?
Did he use these kinda toys with someone?
So - I may be wrong, but I wonder if you’ve unwittingly introduced various doubts that aren’t purely about the sex?
I think feeling relaxed enough to enjoy the best sex sometimes needs a bit of work on other areas - make her, each other, feel special again

 

[MightyMilly]

Maybe you should try with some other guy's wife, see how that works out?

 

[LookN2Talk]

Much great advice here. And you can easily easily differentiate thus from the poor advice.

Any insights or thoughts on what people have been posting?

Looking from a far outside view, I think it is as several have said, your wife has something going on that you have not figured out. You need to find the root cause of her angst. I do not know, but it could be you. For my wife it was grief. Find the source and you can best move forward with solution. Our sex life is improving with each month. It is a slow process but once we figured out the issue we have been able to work toward something much better, stronger, and a great deal more fun, together.

 

[Sweetdreams71]

When my wife's interest in sex began to plummet during menopause, I had the brilliant idea of convincing her to watch some porn with me - something she never does. I cued up a video of two couples having group sex. I'll never forget how her eyes welled with tears as she looked at me and said, "why on earth would you think watching four gorgeous, tight-bodied 30-somethings writhing and moaning in ecstasy would do anything but make me feel worse about my body and my struggle to enjoy even basic masturbation..?" UGH!!! I felt like such an idiot. She wasn't truly angry with me as she knew my intentions were good, but I clearly missed the mark.

This
As we age and our men watch more beautiful women it's gut wrenching.
And men always want more, more fun, more outfits, more talk, more kink, more toys, more things to get the cock twitch... They want women to change and be more, and women feel not enough, insufficient, why does he need me to change, he is not happy with me as I am? Why the push for more? Was yesterday so bad?
So as we age and we have more weight, babies, wrinkles, etc we stop feeling attractive . Ya it's really a thing. Ever notice the multi billion dollar cosmetic industry?

So from a mature women, don't think back to the days when your wife got really wet and horny and try to recreate it...Cause those days disappear and don't worry she knows it.
Love your wife the way she is, stop relentlessly pushing for more, if she wants more she will tell you.