Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[Tathagata]

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[PatCarrington]

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[Guest]

Versace & Me

 

[PatCarrington]

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[PatCarrington]

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[postobitum]

Help me with this one!

I just found this thread, really liking it - looks like I have a works in progress I am just not happy with. Here it is, it doesn't even have a name.

Sentinel alone in darkness
tinged at the edges of sight
with bleeding claret ink.
Stumbling shambles, seeking
haven from the downpour
seeking rest for a time.

Left behind in the madness
a lone leonine prince
navigating the aftermath.
When Venus glared upon him
and shook her ivory fist
he crumbled and blew away.

So now in quiescent midnight
cement paths of little comfort
and lesser warmth.
A simple striking sccrttch! on brick,
flaming silhouette of an angel
raindrops jeweled in her hair.

 

[postobitum]

Help me with this one!

I just found this thread, really liking it - looks like I have a works in progress I am just not happy with. Here it is, it doesn't even have a name.

Sentinel alone in darkness
tinged at the edges of sight
with bleeding claret ink.
Stumbling shambles, seeking
haven from the downpour
seeking rest for a time.

Left behind in the madness
a lone leonine prince
navigating the aftermath.
When Venus glared upon him
and shook her ivory fist
he crumbled and blew away.

So now in quiescent midnight
cement paths of little comfort
and lesser warmth.
A simple striking sccrttch! on brick,
flaming silhouette of an angel
raindrops jeweled in her hair.

 

[Tathagata]

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[echoes_s]

first writing

Faceless nightmares

with poet's hand light
stars mystique
swept rays across land
warmth and grace
grasping earth
revealing under dark
heartless rock
bland and gray
cold

death in torchlight
shadowed gloom rise
inevitable doom
stones with teeth

a sleeping dragon
leers with soundless threat
silence foreboding
crouched hush
stillness disturbed
beating heart of
a waking beast
distant echoed drip
of slow liquid drops
untimely
predatory work
dark pools of chilled water

Welcome to the home
of the dwegar, kwo toa
the drew
living in caverns
roughly sloped stalactite
stalagmite
a cruel facade
hiding chaos and will
sharp and haunting
pain thrusting

Welcome to the valley
of death
the land of faceless
nightmares


then i received these honest and helpful crits

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I suggest dropping the first nine lines, they only confuse. Change the title --
Dragons have faces, and stones with teeth implies a face. I have no idea who
dwegar and kwo toa are. The reference is lost here and confuses again. A lot of
this is trying to create a sense of dread through setting, but this ploy is
tricky and needs a lot of work. You might want to play with trying the "welcome"
at the beginning.

This is all I've got for now.


and

I liked this, but for some reason these two lines didn't gel for me.
It seems overstated, or partly redundant, something.

The content is sound, IMHO, and it flows very nicely. I love the
images created.

so now we have a second version coming...

 

[echoes_s]

faceless nightmares recreated

predatory creation

Welcome to the valley
of dead
the land of marauding
nightmares
death in torchlight
shadowed gloom rise
inevitable doom
stagnant pools of blood water
stones with teeth

welcome to the home
of the Drew
living in caverns
roughly sloped stalactite
stalagmite
a cruel facade
hiding chaos and will
sharp and haunting
pain thrusting

where a sleeping dragon
leers with soundless threat
silence foreboding
crouched hush
stillness disturbed
beating heart of
a waking beast
untimely
predatory creation

i am still not happy with the last stanze or stagnant pools of blood water, dragon leering, sleeping to waking is missing something....more work to be done.

 

[The_Fool]

Re: faceless nightmares recreated

predatory creation

Welcome to the valley
of dead
the land of marauding
nightmares
death in torchlight
shadowed gloom rise
inevitable doom
stagnant pools of blood water
stones with teeth

welcome to the home
of the Drew
living in caverns
roughly sloped stalactite
stalagmite
a cruel facade
hiding chaos and will
sharp and haunting
pain thrusting

where a sleeping dragon
leers with soundless threat
silence foreboding
crouched hush
stillness disturbed
beating heart of
a waking beast
untimely
predatory creation

i am still not happy with the last stanze or stagnant pools of blood water, dragon leering, sleeping to waking is missing something....more work to be done.

Just some thoughts:

stagnant dark pools, blood-red in the light

Jagged sharp stalactites
Roughly mounded stalagmites

where a somnolent dragon

 

[tungtied2u]

Re: faceless nightmares recreated

predatory creation

Welcome to the valley
of dead
the land of marauding
nightmares
death in torchlight
shadowed gloom rise
inevitable doom
stagnant pools of blood water
stones with teeth

welcome to the home
of the Drew
living in caverns
roughly sloped stalactite
stalagmite
a cruel facade
hiding chaos and will
sharp and haunting
pain thrusting

where a sleeping dragon
leers with soundless threat
silence foreboding
crouched hush
stillness disturbed
beating heart of
a waking beast
untimely
predatory creation

i am still not happy with the last stanze or stagnant pools of blood water, dragon leering, sleeping to waking is missing something....more work to be done.

I suggest lies or slumbers for leering, perhaps silent for stagnant, and possibly roused for waking

 

[echoes_s]

Thank you both Fool and Tt...i am not working on this for a few days, will keep reading and also apply your suggestions to see how this works or work it in, then post it back up here again. It's the wee hours of them morning and i still havent thanked those who left suggestions, comments on my other poetry. I will try this again tomorrow morning.

 

[postobitum]

Confused...

it's not the act of adoration
that makes the unattainable ordinary
it'd the desire to possess it
to drag it into our twisted light
and fitting it to
our mutant eyes

the angels lose thier divinity
the treasure , it's worth
the love , it's gossamer caul of simplicity
and christmas snow

we trust the base senses
the kiss ,the touch
to reassure us of what's real
that we are real
and here

but lying wrapped in deceitful blue sheets
the hunger gnaws again
a rat in the belly of a ship
bringer of the deluge
bringer of failure
and we drown in doubt and claw at what remains
blue smoke moonlight on her still trembling thigh

Wow, was this to fix my poem? (tired and goofy headed tonight, please excuse dear monkey man) Either way it's great. Blew my nameless dud out of the water in a big ker-sploosh!

postobitum

 

[Tathagata]

Re: Confused...

Wow, was this to fix my poem? (tired and goofy headed tonight, please excuse dear monkey man) Either way it's great. Blew my nameless dud out of the water in a big ker-sploosh!

postobitum

No No
it just happened to follow yours
had it been about yours i'd have quoted it
no worries
: )

 

[Tathagata]

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[PatCarrington]

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[Tathagata]

Re: A Storm in the Corn

From everywhere, you hear it.

It talks,

in wandering voices that come bursting
from the fields like scared crows, black
and dodging. In the gossip of the wind,

the wild whispers of night that find your
hiding ears, prod and pull your blood
like some bad moon, multiply themselves

to crawl across rooftops and the battered
hand. In creaks and rattles words crackle
and scream, bend you like the old barn

down past the south forty, boards curved,
nails screeching as they scratch their way
out to run away with midnight, eloping

with the storm. In your sleep you dream
of spring and her and walking in the rain,
humming on a child’s legs. You love that

dawn, and the rest of your life. You break
dirt and seed cornrows, sing the sparrows
hoarse. But your song can never make it
to the daybreak, you awaken in the dark.

And now what comes with morning?

Stacked like dry logs, mornings wear
flames on their hearts, await a spark
to burn them with your dreams. And if
you really knew tomorrow, knew just
what it will be that lays your music low,
would you stop singing now?

You shouldn't stay away so long brother.



peace unto you and yours

 

[postobitum]

Re: Re: Confused...

No No
it just happened to follow yours
had it been about yours i'd have quoted it
no worries
: )

lol

cool beans. Like the second incarnation, btw.

 

[BikeWriter]

Re: Poetry in Progress-- construction zone

So, this thread is for:

2. You are looking for a little feedback and exposure and are not interested or ready to submit.

Seattle

I had posted this on another thread and no one threw rocks at me, so hesitantly I'll try it here, thank you.

A tale of a life at sea.

T'was fifty years ago or more,
young lad stood on fog-shrouded shore,
and shivered as ghostly sails slid past,
draped limply from tall, phantom masts.
Fearsome crewboat ran ashore,
boney fingers 'round worn, water-logged oars.
T'were Satan, himself, at the helm,
beckoned me to board.
Tis' many a hellish sight I've seen,
from Spanish Main to England green,
Old man now, worn and gray,
I come ashore, ne'er again to stray.
BikeWriter

 

[PatCarrington]

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[Christina O. Leigh]

I couldn't help myself!

One of my 1st poems....I would NEVER submit it with the others.
Just for kicks

"Crazy Gem"

31 female from LA
With oh, so much to say.
Here's a little about me
And, don't let it scare ya away.

Blonde and blue,
Been told I'm cute too.
I paint my nails pink
And won't give you the chance
To tell me whatcha think.

How I love my make-up
And yes, I wear it well.
Lips so full, eyes so bright
And no, I will not sell.

I have that special lipstick
At a great deal too.
It's amazing to wear shiny lipstick
That won't kiss off on you.

My belly button's pierced,
And yes, my tongue is too.
Sorry you won't feel it
Deep inside of you.

I am a bad smoker,
Two packer a day.
Have a bad ticker
Which won't go away.

Yes, I'm always changing
And fickle as can be.
Never can make my mind up
Deal with it.
This will always be me

I must admit, I cannot help
Those days of PMS.
You don't like it, hit the pike,
You're something I won't miss.

Be careful with me,
And love me for who I am.
A fragile flame, a blonde hurricane,
And don't ever insult a Gem!

Don't mess with a Gemini who has PMS!

My piercings are gone. Me an old lady now. But it was fun while it lasted.

Cheers!

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

A tale of a life at sea.

T'was fifty years ago or more,
young lad stood on fog-shrouded shore,
and shivered as ghostly sails slid past,
draped limply from tall, phantom masts.
Fearsome crewboat ran ashore,
boney fingers 'round worn, water-logged oars.
T'were Satan, himself, at the helm,
beckoned me to board.
Tis' many a hellish sight I've seen,
from Spanish Main to England green,
Old man now, worn and gray,
I come ashore, ne'er again to stray.
BikeWriter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And an awesome job you did!

 

[BikeWriter]

And an awesome job you did!

That is very generous of you, Christina. Thank you.

 

[Tathagata]

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