Why is there so little honesty about sex?

[eastern sun]

I don't know what it looks like but

It feels like sweet surrender,
Where, on a soft pillow
Of deep feather-light sadness
You lie perfectly
Exquisitely...
Still.

This is beautiful, Damian. But not at all what I imagined would lie on the other side of shame.

I imagine the mating of animals. The chase leading to passion, pinned and panting, teeth embedded in the neck, as the shape of each form dissolves into sound and movement, like the gang-rape of sparrows, or the anguished night-cries of cats.

Nothing still. Nothing silent.

There is that moment when we've crossed those lines, when the pain of knowing we've denied ourselves strikes like a tender knife at the heart-core. Is that the moment you're describing?

When I've moved into those areas on my own, though, I've found nothing tender. Nothing exquisite. Just the piggish rut of greedy hunger, liquid flowing from my mouth and thighs, washing every act in waves of unspent longing. There is no sweetness in that greed. Just the ripping of the seams of our little life to expose the pink and viscous underbelly.

My slime will stain that tender pillow, and sticky-up those downy feathers, until free flight is impossible. And all I can do is crawl to you, sweet man. Crawl to you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Choose the more attractive option:

A. You date enough times to become very close to many person who may or may not share your sexual preferences and may well toss you out to the curb when you bring up your desire to tie them up/be tied up etc.

B. You go on a lot of interesting first and second dates but your heart stays intact because you don't have to break off any seemingly promising relationships because you, oh yeah, forgot to mention your kink early on.

So by both options, you really just mean, date a lot of people at the same time to avoid the heartbreak?

Where did you get "at the same time"?

 

[DamianCain]

This is beautiful, Damian. But not at all what I imagined would lie on the other side of shame.

I imagine the mating of animals. The chase leading to passion, pinned and panting, teeth embedded in the neck, as the shape of each form dissolves into sound and movement, like the gang-rape of sparrows, or the anguished night-cries of cats.

Nothing still. Nothing silent.

There is that moment when we've crossed those lines, when the pain of knowing we've denied ourselves strikes like a tender knife at the heart-core. Is that the moment you're describing?

When I've moved into those areas on my own, though, I've found nothing tender. Nothing exquisite. Just the piggish rut of greedy hunger, liquid flowing from my mouth and thighs, washing every act in waves of unspent longing. There is no sweetness in that greed. Just the ripping of the seams of our little life to expose the pink and viscous underbelly.

My slime will stain that tender pillow, and sticky-up those downy feathers, until free flight is impossible. And all I can do is crawl to you, sweet man. Crawl to you.

That is why we share the dark of night
And find
Not loneliness
Or the soul-eating echoes
Of desperate longing

But each others
Best friend

I am too old to chase you
I have no desire to fuck any animal: Not sparrows, cats, rats, literals or proverbials
And just the thought of pink underbellies "sticky'd up" by slime
Even in the throes of orgasm
Leaves me vaguely nauseous

So go fuck somebody else
For Chrissakes!

PS
And then come find me in the dark.

You are the love of my life.

 

[eastern sun]

That is why we share the dark of night
And find
Not loneliness
Or desperate longing
But one another's best friend

I am too old to chase you
I have no desire to fuck any animal: Sparrows, cats, rats, literals or proverbials
And just the thought of pink underbellies "sticky'd up" by slime
Even in the throes of orgasm
Leaves me vaguely nauseous
So go fuck somebody else

And then come find me in the dark.

PS
You are the love of my life.

I counter his tender lonely eroticism with images of rutting pigs. And he tells me it makes him sick!

That's why it's so hard to be honest about sex. . .

 

[DamianCain]

There is that moment when we've crossed those lines, when the pain of knowing we've denied ourselves strikes like a tender knife at the heart-core. Is that the moment you're describing?

..Huh?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I counter his tender lonely eroticism with images of rutting pigs. And he tells me it makes him sick!

That's why it's so hard to be honest about sex. . .

But you never know who else will be listening-- like for instance, me...

I have a pigplay fantasy that I need to write up. if I can get some context for it. Why nice women like those would be rutting in the wallow like that.

 

[eastern sun]

But you never know who else will be listening-- like for instance, me...

I have a pigplay fantasy that I need to write up. if I can get some context for it. Why nice women like those would be rutting in the wallow like that.

I'm ing you, Stella.

Maybe I could help with your story . . . . like - say - offering up some ideas for context. For me, it's all about the need to live a double life.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Awesome! I'm ing you right back-- and sending a PM

 

[welkin]

Where did you get "at the same time"?

The present tense of the verbs together with "many people" made me think it was simultaneous. >_<

I'm now not quite sure what the advice is... I guess I'll just have to wait and live and experiment to find out.

 

[midwestyankee]

The present tense of the verbs together with "many people" made me think it was simultaneous. >_<

I'm now not quite sure what the advice is... I guess I'll just have to wait and live and experiment to find out.

Let me try to clarify the thought experiment that I offered.

In one case, a person can date people selected for various characteristics and wait until there is much trust and comfort in the relationship before trying to determine if the object of desire (and perhaps a considerable amount of affection) is up for trying things kinky and perverted. This way, for a kinkster, leads to much disappointment and sorrow.

The alternative is to do as wicked woman suggested and find out as early as possible if your new partner might enjoy your form of kink. If you find out early that she/he does not, then you haven't built up a lot of emotional store in this person and you can move on to someone else without a lot of heartache. Eventually you develop a routine for identifying suitably compatible kinksters and you can get as emotional as you want without fear that your heart will be ripped out when he/she screams at the first sign of a handcuff.

Your heart, your choice.

 

[Stella_Omega]

In other words, add "kink" to the list of characteristics you choose for... Along with patience, steadiness, height, bad taste in footwear, whatever you crave in a mate

I did date 'a lot of people at once,' back in the day. It was just my way of doing things, I'm naturally polyamorous. It didn't cut down on heartache, necessarily. The "amorous" that comes after "poly" is still love-- however you spell it.

 

[mapp]

Because there's nothing like entering a discussion on page n (where n>2), quoting the OP and replying to it as if it hadn't already been dealt with:

Why is there so little honesty about sex?
There are so many threads that ask questions like ‘how do I get my girlfriend/wife to do….. to me? Or how do I make my boyfriend/husband more dominant/submissive?
There are so many that want to know how to connive or inveigle or manipulate a significant other to do or behave in a different way sexually. To me this is inherently dishonest either by omission or commission you are in effect lying to your partner. And worse by trying to manipulate the situation without honesty it feels the same as acting without consent.

Is it simple cowardice that prevents people asking for what they need openly and honestly?

Are so many people are afraid that someone may not be able to cope with their darkest desires?

Why is this so prevalent?

Why do so many find it difficult to be honest about their desires?

I understand a certain hesitancy when you are still experimenting and trying to find out what it is that you do or don't like, but if you do know what you like why hide it?
is it so difficult to say 'Darling I want you to fuck my arse'or 'sweetheart I need to be spanked hard'or even' that's not quite how I enjoy oral sex I can show you how I do'or any other particular desires that you have?

My guess would be that not all these posts are looking for ways to manipulate their partner into doing stuff. They could simply be poorly phrased and be wondering "how do I approach kink x with my partner?".

I'm personally not looking to stick my penis up my SOs ass, but if I were, then asking her outright casually over dinner probably wouldn't be the way to go. She expressed fairly clearly early on in our relationship that nothing was going up there. Then.
As of late though it's turned out that it's not a hard limit at all. In fact, what it took for her to, accidentally, open up to the idea was:
Having her stick a finger up my butt while going down on me.
Having her order a butt plug on my behalf (there were practical reasons why it was done that way).

She then went on to try it out on herself, completely on her own initiative.

Sadly for me, what I was slowly working up to was having her do me with a strap on (a work in progress), not getting to do her there. Oh well.
I am getting to rim her though, so yay

So my pro-tip for guys looking for anal sex, have her play with yours and see that it's not necessarily shameful or painful.


Now of course you could be pointing out that I should have declared my interests earlier in our relationship. You could be right.
Neither of us got into the relationship based on sexual kinks though, and we're enjoying exploring our limits together. As long as you early on in the relationship get a feeling of general open mindedness, I think that approach could work out.

Hopefully that post wasn't too rambly to hold any value for anyone.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Sometimes a person doesn't know their own truth at the beginning of a relationship.

When people criticize me for having a vanilla husband and a kinky Dominant and ask why I didn't marry someone who was dominant to begin with or why don't I just leave my husband and marry my dominant it wickedly pisses me off.

I met my husband when I was 16. That was way back in the days of typewriters. I didn't even know that BDSM existed other then in some way out porn. Real people didn't do that sort of thing.

So I married for love. It is a love that is as strong now as it was 25 years ago. I married someone who was open minded and liked a bit of fun with their sex. We were honest about the fact that we both were passionate about enjoying sex.

The rest we adapted to as time went on.

Then there is my D/s relationship. The beginning negotiation included him saying "I own your pussy and you can not give away something that it owned by me.". However, it was made clear to me that I did not own him and he could do whatever he wanted with who ever he wanted.

So there, that's total honesty right from the beginning. I could either accept it or not. It doesn't matter if it is fair or not. It was my choice to either accept it or not.

But being honest doesn't make everything ok. I can agree to accept a relationship based on the truth I have been given. But it doesn't make things any easier. It just means I have been forewarned. In a way it makes things harder. I knew what was coming before things started so I had no excuse to be complaining, right? It should be easy because I agreed to it.

Fortunately I do have a very compassionate dominant who helps me along with this issue and things are going well.

But my point is even when we are honest, even when the people we love are honest with us we can't always predict what our emotions will be when reality hits. Often when actually faced with a situation how we thought we would be is totally different from reality.

Being able to adapt and trust is as important as being honest with each other.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Why is there so little honesty about sex?
There are so many threads that ask questions like ‘how do I get my girlfriend/wife to do….. to me? Or how do I make my boyfriend/husband more dominant/submissive?
There are so many that want to know how to connive or inveigle or manipulate a significant other to do or behave in a different way sexually. To me this is inherently dishonest either by omission or commission you are in effect lying to your partner. And worse by trying to manipulate the situation without honesty it feels the same as acting without consent.

Is it simple cowardice that prevents people asking for what they need openly and honestly?

Are so many people are afraid that someone may not be able to cope with their darkest desires?

Why is this so prevalent?

Why do so many find it difficult to be honest about their desires?

I understand a certain hesitancy when you are still experimenting and trying to find out what it is that you do or don't like, but if you do know what you like why hide it?
is it so difficult to say 'Darling I want you to fuck my arse'or 'sweetheart I need to be spanked hard'or even' that's not quite how I enjoy oral sex I can show you how I do'or any other particular desires that you have?

It's because our parents thought sex was icky. And their peers are now old and powerful, there is nothing they like more than to be titillated by the sexual peccadilloes of a younger generation.
I think in our deepest hearts of darkness we know this, and so you conceal your kinky fetishes and weirdo desires until you can find someone who will knowingly (or not) bear at least some of the weight of the consequences you imagine will come if you actually dare to physically perform whatever twisted deed you wanted to try. We manipulate from the start so that the partner's memory will be altered, they are to believe, even in some small way, that they are partially to blame for your fetish. Because, hell, how dare they have the audacity to indulge you. I don't really know if that fully explains it, but I guess the people who get right to it, who are honest and up front about what they want are simply more daring. Consequences be damned, and really in many places there are no consequences.

 

[CurvAppeal]

Personal experiences for me....When I've shared my desires or fantasies or what turns me on or what I like the most I've been judged. So I've pretty much built up a wall of defense so i'm not that open about it. But when I feel comfortable with that person and they ask me, I'll be honest about it, I have nothing to hide then.

 

[ChucklesNLovin]

Fear, Dissapointment, Shame...

There are so many right answers in this thread that i'm not sure if this will contribute. So, "Dido" and after reading for 2 hours, I'll give my take on it anyway.

First of all, keep in mind, ya'll are on Literotica.com, BDSM Forum, talking about how Outside People feel? It's kinda backwards really, us outsiders (me, sort of) are IN the box, and you are outside the box, free to explore, anyway...
Most of you, already have a level of understanding with your partner, whether it's trust or Dominance or Servitude. When Master says stick this up my arse, you do it. You Trust your Master to know, that what you are doing, pleases them. There is no arguing or recoiling, you do it. If your not into D/s, you are still in a sexually free "place" (in your mind and relationship) where you most likely won't scare your partner. The other 380 Million people in the US alone, are not. They are governed by religion, Laws, Society and FEAR. All of these factors play a part in secrecy, when it comes to Sexual Desires and expressing them.

One aspect that I didn't see mentioned, was the "Know it all" factor. Yes, after 19 years of practice, my wife gives good head. But, not the way I want it. So do I tell her? "Babe, slide your hand up and down, with a twist while you....". Think about the dynamic here. Would a man gratiously accept criticism from his wife, on how to remove an Alternator? Do I tell my wife the best way to cook enchilada's? Let say I do. So I basically, just told my wife that she had been doing it wrong, for 19 years. You think she's gonna be in the mood for sex now? How many times have you heard, "Well, I just can't do anything right, so I just won't do it".
MY Biggest FEAR, is hurting my wife. Telling her she's doing something incorrectly is just like putting her down. These are very fine lines that if done wrong, hurt. Nobody wants to HURT their loved ones. So, we don't walk so close to the line, for FEAR that will hurt them.

My personal fear, about 2 month's ago, brought me to Lit Forum's. My wife and I started out as Fuck Buddies. Not lovers. I was a Virgin at age 20, and she was already a mom, with hormones raging (also 20). There were no rules, but we had an understanding. Similar to your rules. Sex was first. This lasted for about 6 months before it grew into love. We got married 2 years later and have been together for 19 years. Bliss, right? nope.

We still cannot be completely open with each other. Although we trust each other to tell us what we do or don't like, we still have feelings. Feelings about what is acceptable and not acceptable. For her, for over 15 years, anal sex was an absolute no, I was O.K. with that and didn't push. Over time, she became curious and now it is the "Special" earth shaking activity she requests. "My pleasure, ma'am".

To the point: So when I asked for "prostate stimulation", she recoiled. I was honest enough to ask, and she was honest enough to tell me it made her uncomfortable. Great! We're both being honest, but it still hurts. That, on top of her honestly telling me she imagines I'm someone else, put me into therapy. Wondering what was wrong with me. FEAR and insecurity sets in.
Am I still "Man" enough to walk with the big boys, after asking to be fucked up the ass? Am I still THE man she wants, in the sack? Am I Man enough to satisfy her without her fantesizing about being gang banged?

This is where ya'll come in. Us outsiders don't know any different. We don't know what questions we should be asking because we don't know, what we don't know. So yes, the questions are silly to some. But those that are not trying to force someone into a situatin, are crying for help.
"Please help me communicate openly with my wife"
"Please Help me suppress the desires that can lead the end of a beautiful 19 year marriage".
"Please Help me show my wife that this isn't sin, or discusting".
"Help me deal with my feelings of shame, for making my wife look at me in disgust".

Not necessarily me (sniff, sniff).

You have not idea how special you all really are.

Chuckles-N-Loving (Not so much Laughing today)

 

[welkin]

That was very well written Chuckles, thank you for sharing.

Honestly I feel lucky for being young and unattached, so I can still try to find someone very compatible, because even after reading this thread, I don't think there's a good solution to this if the two people have already invested much...

 

[Felix_Jones]

"Honesty" is just code for "honest as long as it doesn't piss me off or make me think you're insane".

 

[Stella_Omega]

"Honesty" is just code for "honest as long as it doesn't piss me off or make me think you're insane".

We always run that risk.

 

[Felix_Jones]

We always run that risk.

Hence the reticence about weirdo sex requests.

 

[JackVettriano]

Take your time and be honest

I can only talk from my own experience but I spent years with a girl who loved sex but it was very 'routine' it took me two years to get her to try it from behind, I loved her so I took it easy and she loved it the first time. But things never moved on so eventually I did.
I have met a girl who I thought was going to be the same, but things are different. I did take my time, I wasn't blunt about what I wanted but I was honest and that's important. I just had to be as I didn't want to loose her. The result is that after a while I now have a very horny slutty bitch at times. We drive each other wild and it's because we are honest, open and take our time, it can take someone a while to get used to an idea. U will be reading this more, it's a great thread.

 

[JackVettriano]

Personal experiences for me....When I've shared my desires or fantasies or what turns me on or what I like the most I've been judged. So I've pretty much built up a wall of defense so i'm not that open about it. But when I feel comfortable with that person and they ask me, I'll be honest about it, I have nothing to hide then.

I hope you feel you can chat with some people on lit. It feels so good when you can chat openly about your feelings and desires. You have a great figure and a real man should be able to enjoy you and desire you just as you are and with all kinks and desires. I wish I could have such a hot girl that was horny as I am.

 

[TexasWife25]

I think a lot of people feel
their desires are inherently wrong or perverse ... so therefore they fear rejection/disgust...

Or they are unsure how to best phrase their needs... Its not every woman you can just say "Babe, Id love it if youd take me with a stap on" ..

But i think for the most part its more about trying to entice others to try something new
so many people are just not comfortable with sex and arent willing to explore, even if its something their partner needs...

 

[StrayKat]

Why do so many find it difficult to be honest about their desires?

You see, I have that problem with people pleasing me because they love me or want to make me happy, not because they are wired in a way that whatever they do with me actually turns them on.
It works like a cold shower for me. Either we connect or we dont. No matter how much he/she is trying, if its not something they themselves crave for it wont work.

I talked and talked and explained and even raged in frustration, yet it still happens from time to time.
That is one case I will not be perfectly honest, when I suspect my desires are being met for the "wrong reason".

If I make any sense (kinda got out of touch with myself in such matters lately )

 

[Loverskitten]

Let me try to clarify the thought experiment that I offered.

In one case, a person can date people selected for various characteristics and wait until there is much trust and comfort in the relationship before trying to determine if the object of desire (and perhaps a considerable amount of affection) is up for trying things kinky and perverted. This way, for a kinkster, leads to much disappointment and sorrow.

The alternative is to do as wicked woman suggested and find out as early as possible if your new partner might enjoy your form of kink. If you find out early that she/he does not, then you haven't built up a lot of emotional store in this person and you can move on to someone else without a lot of heartache. Eventually you develop a routine for identifying suitably compatible kinksters and you can get as emotional as you want without fear that your heart will be ripped out when he/she screams at the first sign of a handcuff.

Your heart, your choice.

Isn't there a recent thread where there is debate about sex on the first date? Or it hijacked into it?

Well this is why it can be good to jump in the sack early on.
After months of chatting with an old school mate of mine we finally met for a weekend. After we were together a few times he started being honest with me about sex...
"I don't like your piercings.... Why do you bite my lip?.... You like that? You're gross!"
Is some of what I heard. Ummm needless to say, it didn't workout past that weekend.

BUT why people would marry before finding these things out is beyond me (and I'm not talking to those that have been married 20 years and are going through changes)