Why is there so little honesty about sex?

[FurryFury]

I so agree.

I unfortunately caught a bit of Virgin Diaries on this week. It was like a car wreck. This poor man who I suspect is asexual or gay, simply because he wasn't that interested in sex with his wife, before, or after, married a woman who kissed like a giraffe.

It was absolutely disgusting. I kept waiting for an update about an annulment or something. Awful. Just . . .

Isn't there a recent thread where there is debate about sex on the first date? Or it hijacked into it?

Well this is why it can be good to jump in the sack early on.
After months of chatting with an old school mate of mine we finally met for a weekend. After we were together a few times he started being honest with me about sex...
"I don't like your piercings.... Why do you bite my lip?.... You like that? You're gross!"
Is some of what I heard. Ummm needless to say, it didn't workout past that weekend.

BUT why people would marry before finding these things out is beyond me (and I'm not talking to those that have been married 20 years and are going through changes)

 

[DVS]

"Honesty" is just code for "honest as long as it doesn't piss me off or make me think you're insane".

I'm always as honest as I feel I can be, because it's in the best interest of all concerned. It's a part of getting close. If I don't feel I can be honest, there's probably something between us that is causing that. Maybe it's something she's said in conversation or a reaction she had to something I said, etc. That tells me we aren't as close as I'd like. As time goes on and if the relationship continues, hopefully some cautious commutation will resolve differences.

I HATE holding my tongue or not being able to say anything I want to someone I want I consider a close friend and possible sexual partner. I enjoy complete exchange of personalities whenever possible, or at least nothing to hinder that exchange. That requires communication before the fact, exploring likes and dislikes, limits, etc.

Some might see my ways as sensory overload before any real senses are involved if not just time consuming. I see it as a part of foreplay. If I can't enjoy someone my way, it becomes just a physical sex act. While that isn't necessarily a bad thing, there's room for so much more.

 

[midwestyankee]

Isn't there a recent thread where there is debate about sex on the first date? Or it hijacked into it?

Well this is why it can be good to jump in the sack early on.
After months of chatting with an old school mate of mine we finally met for a weekend. After we were together a few times he started being honest with me about sex...
"I don't like your piercings.... Why do you bite my lip?.... You like that? You're gross!"
Is some of what I heard. Ummm needless to say, it didn't workout past that weekend.

BUT why people would marry before finding these things out is beyond me (and I'm not talking to those that have been married 20 years and are going through changes)

I think getting to know your potential partner's sexuality early on can happen even without jumping into the sack early on, though ultimately what gets their rocks off in the sack is the final proof. I can imagine a scenario where A says to B over drinks or coffee, "Tell me about sex. I find that talking about sex with my partners has helped us understand each other well, so tell me, how does sex fit into your world?" The way he or she answers this question, including both the actual words but the manner and body language would be highly revealing. It would likely tell you, of course, how this person likes to communicate about sex and that's as important as how he or she likes to fuck. But the content of the answer will also be a pretty good barometer of where they sit on the kinky spectrum. Are they at the red end or the blue end, so to speak? And then, when you do hit the sack, you're likely starting from a much better place than if you never explored the topic at all beforehand.

And let's not forget the power of such a discussion to arouse your potential partner.

 

[Loverskitten]

I think getting to know your potential partner's sexuality early on can happen even without jumping into the sack early on, though ultimately what gets their rocks off in the sack is the final proof. I can imagine a scenario where A says to B over drinks or coffee, "Tell me about sex. I find that talking about sex with my partners has helped us understand each other well, so tell me, how does sex fit into your world?" The way he or she answers this question, including both the actual words but the manner and body language would be highly revealing. It would likely tell you, of course, how this person likes to communicate about sex and that's as important as how he or she likes to fuck. But the content of the answer will also be a pretty good barometer of where they sit on the kinky spectrum. Are they at the red end or the blue end, so to speak? And then, when you do hit the sack, you're likely starting from a much better place than if you never explored the topic at all beforehand.

And let's not forget the power of such a discussion to arouse your potential partner.

Sounds lovely, however most men lie, especially about sex, height, and penis size. I know, I'm on-line dating. I know women lie too, but I haven't started dating them... Yet
I've even had the opposite happen, the guy bragged about his ropework and such, and when it came to it.... nothin. Talk is cheap.
Maybe I just know how to pick em

Tell ya what? I will give your question a shot when I get back out there dating and IF I find someone worth more than 2 dates. I am curious what they'll say

 

[midwestyankee]

Sounds lovely, however most men lie, especially about sex, height, and penis size. I know, I'm on-line dating. I know women lie too, but I haven't started dating them... Yet
I've even had the opposite happen, the guy bragged about his ropework and such, and when it came to it.... nothin. Talk is cheap.
Maybe I just know how to pick em

Tell ya what? I will give your question a shot when I get back out there dating and IF I find someone worth more than 2 dates. I am curious what they'll say

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that coffee shop.

 

[intothewoods]

I so agree.

I unfortunately caught a bit of Virgin Diaries on this week. It was like a car wreck. This poor man who I suspect is asexual or gay, simply because he wasn't that interested in sex with his wife, before, or after, married a woman who kissed like a giraffe.

It was absolutely disgusting. I kept waiting for an update about an annulment or something. Awful. Just . . .

I saw a clip of this on Talk Soup. Sooo creepy. Although to be fair, had she ever kissed before? Not sure I was such a great kisser when I first started out. Well, ok, she looked remarkably bad.

 

[FurryFury]

If she'd kissed like that the first time, okay. No experience but she KEPT kissing like that even days later. During the reception the groom was like, "She keeps kissing me. I don't know why she keeps doing that." So clearly he wasn't digging it either. I wonder if he TOLD her, "Hon, the way you kiss is not my thing can we try x?" Probably not. Without someone to say something to her, she is not going to learn. Poor ignorant ex virgin but still WHY would anyone just naturally kiss like that???

Creepy.

I saw a clip of this on Talk Soup. Sooo creepy. Although to be fair, had she ever kissed before? Not sure I was such a great kisser when I first started out. Well, ok, she looked remarkably bad.

 

[FurryFury]

Acceptance and listening can lead to some freaking great stuff.

Unless they kiss like a giraffe.

Yep.

I'm always as honest as I feel I can be, because it's in the best interest of all concerned. It's a part of getting close. If I don't feel I can be honest, there's probably something between us that is causing that. Maybe it's something she's said in conversation or a reaction she had to something I said, etc. That tells me we aren't as close as I'd like. As time goes on and if the relationship continues, hopefully some cautious commutation will resolve differences.

I HATE holding my tongue or not being able to say anything I want to someone I want I consider a close friend and possible sexual partner. I enjoy complete exchange of personalities whenever possible, or at least nothing to hinder that exchange. That requires communication before the fact, exploring likes and dislikes, limits, etc.

Some might see my ways as sensory overload before any real senses are involved if not just time consuming. I see it as a part of foreplay. If I can't enjoy someone my way, it becomes just a physical sex act. While that isn't necessarily a bad thing, there's room for so much more.

 

[kittysub]

This thread really struck a chord with me, especially since my needs have shifted over the past few years. I was very honest and open with my husband about it. I tried explaining, even wrote an explicit story to help him understand what I was asking for. I tried to make it fun and exciting.

It's been an unqualified disaster. So honesty? Not a big fan. All those honest, playful discussions disintegrated and darling hubby went out and had an affair last year. I'd leave - after all, I don't trust him now and don't dare share my naughty fantasies, let alone unhappiness - but after 15 yrs as a stay-at-home mom, helping him run and expand our business, I couldn't get a job to save my life. I know, I tried. So I put on a sweet smile, bite my tongue hard enough to draw blood and try my best to make him feel like a big stud in the bedroom so he's happy.

 

[jadedgirl]

I don't feel it is being dishonest simply because you don't know how to bring a conversation up or go about making your fantasies a reality. Instead, I find it being timid, cautious and thoughtful. To bring to light your desires is stressful...as one person's kink is another person's disgust. A person doesn't want to offend, or worse, degrade someone by suggestion of an activity that repulses them. So they give hint, wait for a reaction... if reaction is not of disgust, they may continue forward. If suggestion is met with resistance, they may hold back from bringing it up again or going forward in such a manner!

We learn this through years of experience...and unfortunately this modeling has left evidence that not all our secrets are safe in the open, even with those we love!

 

[FurryFury]

I agree. It's not being dishonest exactly when you can't share yet. It's just not very productive. There have been many times when I just hadn't processed enough or have words yet to share things with someone but they've gotten angry when I finally did because "I should have been honest with them from the beginning." Total bullshit.

OTOH, not knowing what you want sexually or being too shy to share it, is a problem. I've been there. What happens is that your partner is left in the dark. So the chances of your getting anything that you want or find satisfying is very low. This can cause frustration on one or both parties part.

When you do know and you have the words and can say though, being scare of how it will received is not really part of my makeup unless I'm in a committed relationship. Otherwise it's part of the weeding out process. If I'm in a committed relationship and I nearly always am, though, I just state things as simply and kindly as I can and still be honest. That seems to work pretty well for me.

I don't feel it is being dishonest simply because you don't know how to bring a conversation up or go about making your fantasies a reality. Instead, I find it being timid, cautious and thoughtful. To bring to light your desires is stressful...as one person's kink is another person's disgust. A person doesn't want to offend, or worse, degrade someone by suggestion of an activity that repulses them. So they give hint, wait for a reaction... if reaction is not of disgust, they may continue forward. If suggestion is met with resistance, they may hold back from bringing it up again or going forward in such a manner!

We learn this through years of experience...and unfortunately this modeling has left evidence that not all our secrets are safe in the open, even with those we love!

 

[KoPilot]

Cosmo and Maxim?

Jussayin'...

 

[Tanstaafl001]

Sometimes the conversation has happened, but the significant other just isn't interested in trying out some of the things discussed.

 

[DVS]

Acceptance and listening can lead to some freaking great stuff.

Unless they kiss like a giraffe.

Yep.

I'd guess that long, snaky giraffe tongue could come in useful at other times, though, right?

 

[Joe6pack]

This thread really struck a chord with me, especially since my needs have shifted over the past few years. I was very honest and open with my husband about it. I tried explaining, even wrote an explicit story to help him understand what I was asking for. I tried to make it fun and exciting.

It's been an unqualified disaster. So honesty? Not a big fan. All those honest, playful discussions disintegrated and darling hubby went out and had an affair last year. I'd leave - after all, I don't trust him now and don't dare share my naughty fantasies, let alone unhappiness - but after 15 yrs as a stay-at-home mom, helping him run and expand our business, I couldn't get a job to save my life. I know, I tried. So I put on a sweet smile, bite my tongue hard enough to draw blood and try my best to make him feel like a big stud in the bedroom so he's happy.

Ouch. As a guy, I really don't get this. I would do anything A asked (I just wish she would ask). Sounds like he's really taken you for granted. I don't know why everyone thinks the grass is always greener.

 

[Joe6pack]

This thread is great. I think a lot of us are sort of in the same boat. I can say for my part that I have problems talking to A about sex. It's hard to admit you want/need something. What if she says no? Then what. We recently had a bout of honesty, but I'm not sure it accomplished much. I think it was my fault because I couldn't really tell her what I wanted other than I was "bored". I just couldn't get to specifics. I have no problem asking her to make me a sandwich. But, asking her to tie me to the bed naked and blindfold me. Well, that's another story. So, I guess my two pieces of advice to add are: 1) Know what you want and ask for it and 2) Talk often. Don't bring up the subject once in a blue moon when you are highly frustrated. Once the channel is open, try to keep it so.

Maybe I can eventually heed my own advice.

Sigh.........

 

[FurryFury]

Only for girl on girl oral sex or maybe oral anal.

I'd guess that long, snaky giraffe tongue could come in useful at other times, though, right?

 

[DVS]

Only for girl on girl oral sex or maybe oral anal.

So, you're saying you'd engage in oral sex or rimming with a female giraffe? Ummmm, kinky.


One ponders...what does a giraffe sound like when they climax?


Oral Giraffe:

When a man does a handstand on top of a step stool making him that much taller, and receives a blowjob (Oral Sex) from a man or woman. His butt cheeks will also be massaged and played with.



Animal Courting and Mating Habits

The male ELEPHANT locks in on a female, gets on his knees, and proceeds to beg her for sex until she gives in.

The male DOLPHIN employs the T. Edison method: he screws anything and everything in sight—from fish to water—in hopes of somehow finding his penis’s way into a female dolphin.

PANDAS won’t so much as touch each other until they’ve read an instruction manual.

Oddly enough, TURTLES are lightning fast in bed, going in and out at a rate of 437 times per second, and doing the entire deed (including post sex cuddling) dozens of times in a matter of minutes. However, their courtships often last upwards of forty years, and require couples to watch movies that neither the male nor the female wants to see.

EMPEROR PENGUINS get busy from 12:00 to 12:02 AM each Valentine’s Day, and spend the rest of the year masturbating to the memory of those two minutes.

Female PORCUPINES are in the mood less often than the Cubs win the World Series—but when they want it, they want the works, and will go so far as to toss aside a male lover for a new one as soon as he shows any sign of tiring. Interestingly enough, porcupine courtships are almost identical to those of humans: the male urinates on the female, and the female uses the information to make her decision.

Male BOWERBIRDS will actually build a BMW out of twigs and leaves just to attract a female.

The male ARGENTINE LAKE DUCK uses his unusually long penis to perform rope tricks in front of his desired female.

Immediately after sexual intercourse, the female PRAYING MANTIS glues herself to the male and attempts to nag him to death.

BONOBOS go at it so often with so many partners and in so many different ways that you’d swear they were starring some sort of porno film.

The male RIGHT WHALE spends about three hours getting his eighty ton body in position for sex—and he usually ends up ejaculating his 42 million gallon load before making it anywhere even remotely close to a vagina.

Male and female GIRAFFES demand oral sex from their partners on a regular basis, notwithstanding the physical difficulties and resulting neck pain.

 

[seela]

This thread is great. I think a lot of us are sort of in the same boat. I can say for my part that I have problems talking to A about sex. It's hard to admit you want/need something. What if she says no? Then what. We recently had a bout of honesty, but I'm not sure it accomplished much. I think it was my fault because I couldn't really tell her what I wanted other than I was "bored". I just couldn't get to specifics. I have no problem asking her to make me a sandwich. But, asking her to tie me to the bed naked and blindfold me. Well, that's another story. So, I guess my two pieces of advice to add are: 1) Know what you want and ask for it and 2) Talk often. Don't bring up the subject once in a blue moon when you are highly frustrated. Once the channel is open, try to keep it so.

Maybe I can eventually heed my own advice.

Sigh.........

I agree that you should avoid starting discussions about any sensitive matters when you are frustrated. It might easily backfire on a large scale. However, I'm not sure I agree with your advice to talk often. Of course, it depends on how often often is. It might feel like pressuring to the other person, even if it isn't meant that way, if you bring up the subject every second day or every time you have sex. Balance is important.

I think often people, especially those leaning towards the submissive side, don't necessarily want to tell about what rocks their boat. They wish their SO will magically be able to read their mind and fulfill their every dream. For some, if you ask for it, it's no longer "true submission" and doesn't quite fill the need.

 

[StrayKat]

Oh God this sounds like me...

Female PORCUPINES are in the mood less often than the Cubs win the World Series—but when they want it, they want the works, and will go so far as to toss aside a male lover for a new one as soon as he shows any sign of tiring.

And this sounds like my husband...

Immediately after sexual intercourse, the female PRAYING MANTIS glues herself to the male and attempts to nag him to death.

 

[Loverskitten]

I think often people, especially those leaning towards the submissive side, don't necessarily want to tell about what rocks their boat. They wish their SO will magically be able to read their mind and fulfill their every dream. For some, if you ask for it, it's no longer "true submission" and doesn't quite fill the need.

I was going to bring this up actually. I don't want to map out exactly what I want to happen. I also want to know if you can do it better than I imagined. I'm sure we've all had those partners who (I used to think in my head) "he's gunna do ____ now, here's _____, and now he'll flip me over and ____, SURPRISE ME ONE OF THESE TIMES Please please..."

Then again I've wanted a guy to use a heavier hand and felt unfulfilled.

I suppose my confusion has to do with, are we talking about a new relationship or an old one? I'd handle the two different in terms of communication about sex.

 

[kittysub]

I suppose my confusion has to do with, are we talking about a new relationship or an old one? I'd handle the two different in terms of communication about sex.

I agree that you'd have to handle the two scenarios differently.

And I didn't mean to imply that what happened to me would happen to everyone. My point is that a new discussion along these lines within the boundaries of an existing relationship is a delicate tight rope act. Some people will fall off, some will find their SO extending a hand to help them across and still others will face the challenge of toeing their way across all on their lonesome. Heck, it could be a delicate discussion regardless. None of us want people thinking we're a freak of nature because we like to be tied up and spanked.

I feel for you, Joe6pack. And how.

 

[Joe6pack]

I agree that you should avoid starting discussions about any sensitive matters when you are frustrated. It might easily backfire on a large scale. However, I'm not sure I agree with your advice to talk often. Of course, it depends on how often often is. It might feel like pressuring to the other person, even if it isn't meant that way, if you bring up the subject every second day or every time you have sex. Balance is important.

I think often people, especially those leaning towards the submissive side, don't necessarily want to tell about what rocks their boat. They wish their SO will magically be able to read their mind and fulfill their every dream. For some, if you ask for it, it's no longer "true submission" and doesn't quite fill the need.

I don't disagree. I think we may kind of be at that point. We have a lot going on right now (kids, grad school, full time jobs) and I'm probably just adding to it for her. So yes, be careful.

 

[Loverskitten]

This was written by ruby_my_dear in another thread and I think it's a wonderful idea for new or existing relationships
"Last night, we scrolled through the favorite BDSM pictures thread and commented on the different posts. "that's hot"..."I just don't get that"..."Hmm I like that one"..."Me too". It was a great way to explore what we might want to try and areas we should stay away from until we feel more comfortable with the whole idea. He surprised me and I think himself with how some of the things we looked at turned him on. After the ice was broken, it was easier to ask each other questions. "

One could even text a picture to their SO with "I saw this today and it really turned me on, what do you think?" it would give them time to process your wants, get that mind going!

That pic thread is great it has all levels of kink, in fact the 2 that really do it for me are probably the most tame (the one in my sig) and this one
http://i1239.photobucket.com/albums/ff512/Loverskitten/c4917c04.jpg

Both convey a tender loving Dom to his pet. However there is almost every kink in that thread.. How fun to get a "let's try this" pic mid-work day

 

[Joe6pack]

Where exactly is this pic thread?