So... I'm weird?

[CandiCame]

So, I was having this conversation with my boyfriend who gets pissed at me, not only for things that I said or did, but also for things that HE THINKS I'M THINKING. This is weird to me.

But, we got into this conversation, about how if not for him, I'd be hooking up with someone different every other night like I used to before we started dating. And I was like, "Uh, durr."

So he got all pissed off, and told me that I shouldn't still want to sleep with other people.

So I told him that I wanted to fuck other people, but I didn't because I loved and respected him. He said that I shouldn't even want to. I was like, WTF! Don't tell me how to think!!

And I don't believe him. There is no way, in hell, that a bisexual man- a MOSTLY STRAIT MAN- sees hot chicks and doesn't think "I'd hit that". Not in a "I'd throw my relationship away to hit that" kind of way, just the way you do with hot people. Kill, Fuck or Marry kinda thing.

So- yeah. Here's the thing. I wouldn't care if he did! Hell, I really wouldn't care he went out and spent the day fucking other people because it was "fuck other people holiday" or some stupid shit- as long as he comes home to me, you know? This jealousy thing is weirding me out. I've never dealt with it before, and jealousy's so not my thing. I'm always the one who notices the waitress or bartender or whatever flirting with him and pushes him to flirt back so we can get free shit.

Why be jealous? You either trust someone or you don't. WTF?

So yeah, how do you deal with jealousy?

 

[mike_always_horny]

Hm, I think its a matter of your boyfriend wanting to feel needed, which I don't suppose is particular unusual or unnatural. It doesn't necessarily seem like a case of jealousy, per se.

He wants to feel as though he is a significant and necessary part of your life. Saying that your sex life would be the same or even better if you weren't in a relationship makes him feel indebted to you, as though you are making a major sacrifice by dating him. Even though dating people means making sacrifices, I think it is generally best to downplay those as much as possible.

Just my two cents.

 

[Boundlife]

He wants to feel as though he is a significant and necessary part of your life. Saying that your sex life would be the same or even better if you weren't in a relationship makes him feel indebted to you, as though you are making a major sacrifice by dating him. Even though dating people means making sacrifices, I think it is generally best to downplay those as much as possible

Your boyfriend sounds like he's feeling insecure. All the stuff mike said he is probably feeling and afraid you feel like that. Since you are bi you could leave him for Any body. Not just a better looking guy but a woman too. That is alot of comptition

I don't have a clue how to help but that's what I could see feeling myself

 

[Stella_Omega]

he comes from a very extreme religious background. Sexual jealousy is considered a virtue by those folk. if someone isn't jealous they will go to hell.

 

[TeresaAnna]

You know, it's hard to really judge what people think who you haven't met, but I can tell you that the desire for other people doesn't automatically turn off. You are not weird, but sometimes we have to have the common sense not to mess up a good thing by poking your significant other's insecurities.

If he doesn't want to admit that there are other desirable people in the world than you, youll just have to let him live with that. Unless of course you don't value the relationship very much, and then it's time to get out. I'm in a very similar situation. But my partner let's me get out my frustrations as long as I don't flaunt it. You'll need to find out what works for you.

I hope you don't spend a lot of time telling your boyfriend that you are "mostly straight.". That may be why he's insecure.

 

[strapon_tales]

See, when I was younger, I used to be quite jealous; I'd like to think I'm better now, having been in a relationship with my girl for almost eight years, but I do still get a twinge when I think about stuff. Mind you, in that case, it ends up becoming fodder for my fantasies, but that's neither here nor there right now.

I agree with Mike on this one because I feel the same way: it's nice to know that you are needed / wanted / desired, etc.

 

[sunandshadow]

There is this romantic idea that sex with a loved partner is supposed to be better than sex with a random person, and why would anyone want worse sex when better sex is available?

 

[blooflame]

Dropping feelings does NOT equal need/love/whatever

The man in question isn't just feeling a desire to be "needed" - it's a possessiveness thing in my opinion, the wanting someone to shut off their physical/sexual reactions because now they are "yours".

We are sexual beings, we can't stop feeling some physical attraction.. but as the original poster more-or-less said - we DO have self-discipline and can keep ourselves from acting on those actions.

 

[Kurokami]

Aside from the fact that I'm pretty enchanted by the concept of a holiday devoted to fucking other people (I'd call it "Adultermas") I'd say there's really very little that you can do to sway your man here, Candi. He's clearly made his position known, despite your reasoned arguments to the contrary. I've always been a little weirded out by the idea that you get a single-target-sexuality the minute you're in a committed relationship. That's not how biology works.

But you can't help how he feels, either, and a little jealousy is understandable. You just need to remind him why you chose him, mainly that love and respect the two of you have. You might not be able to erase the jealousy, but it's entirely possible to bury it under something positive.

 

[mike_always_horny]

Yes, obviously, it is natural, normative, and healthy for people in a relationship to be sexually attracted to others who are not their significant other. However, I don't know how neccesary it is to articulate that fact to your significant other.

Say your significant other cooks you a meal from scratch. Lets say he/she isn't a superb cook but he/she is getting better and gaining more expertise in cooking. It would be rude to say "You know, I could get the same meal at a restaurant and enjoy the taste of it more, but I am eating the meal you made because I love you." Obviously, your partner recognizes that he/she isn't a professional chef, why re-inforce the fact?

 

[CandiCame]

Wow- I totally put this in the wrong section and could not find it again.

First off, thanks to everyone who replied. I was trying to get a general consensus of, "Fuck him that's controlling" or "Nah, lots of folk do that."

Apparently, I'm the odd man out here. I don't have the ability to get jealous. Well, I guess I do, but I never really do. I was kind of brought up to believe that if I didn't have something that someone else had, that I wanted, then I sucked. I didn't work hard enough to get it, or I didn't really want it. And that was on me.

But here's what freaks me out about the whole thing.

1: I like being told what to do, but not what the think. Which is weird. And hard to get around, really. I mean, he knows that I like control- part of the whole fetish thing; so I think that a lot of his anger wasn't just from the issue, it was that I reacted badly to him trying to control me when I'd told him a million times that it was what I wanted.

So, I'm a dick.

2: I don't believe that he doesn't think about fucking other people. In particular, I don't believe that he doesn't think about fucking chicks. When I was talking about not believing a mostly strait man didn't think about fucking chicks, I meant him, not me. He's got TONS of strait porn, he watches strait porn when I'm blowing him. There is no way in hell he doesn't think of fucking other people. So when he told me- still tells me that he doesn't- I CALL BULLSHIT.

Say your significant other cooks you a meal from scratch. Lets say he/she isn't a superb cook but he/she is getting better and gaining more expertise in cooking. It would be rude to say "You know, I could get the same meal at a restaurant and enjoy the taste of it more, but I am eating the meal you made because I love you." Obviously, your partner recognizes that he/she isn't a professional chef, why re-inforce the fact?

I like that analogy. But it wasn't like I was just like, "So- I'd fuck anyone in this room."

He was in a group of people who had-almost- all fucked me. And they were talking about it. And I was like, "Yup- that happened."
So he asked me, point blank, if I still thought about sleeping with other people, because I was a whore. So I didn't want to lie to him. It would be a stupid lie, to- really easy to see through. Three out of the four of them were SUPER hot chicks, to- so if the roles were reversed, and he was the one who had banged three hot chicks who were reminiscing about banging him, I woulda been all, "So, any of you ladies ever been with two guys at once?"

And then, they would have to make the mace or condom decision.

Instead, I get bitched at.

There is this romantic idea that sex with a loved partner is supposed to be better than sex with a random person, and why would anyone want worse sex when better sex is available?

This question kinda reminds me of the whole, "Why go out for a burger when you've got steak at home?"

Sometimes I go to KFC when there's steak in the freezer- sometimes my ass will go to Whole Foods when there's steak in the freezer and eat pretentious vegan crap.

This actually led deeper then I meant for it to, but the main reason I think about fucking other people is that they're there, I'm looking at them, and I like sex. That's pretty much it. Has nothing to do with him.

If it had anything to do with him, it might be- might be- that he's so scared of the gay/the cock that I haven't gotten so much as a reacharound since we've been together. That sounds like it should bother me a lot, but it really doesn't... it's just the only conceivable reason I can think of that I could possibly make it about him.

he comes from a very extreme religious background. Sexual jealousy is considered a virtue by those folk. if someone isn't jealous they will go to hell.

Pretty sure he's already going to hell for all the gay sex. You know what- I'm actually pretty sure he was already going to hell for the premarital sex. Even before me. He's having a really hard time with his whole religion thing right now... But it's impossible to forget it, ever. It colors his whole world, his perception on everything. *sigh* I'm trying not to push it, because I've always believed that spirituality is a very personal thing, and I'm just not a very spiritual person, at all. I kill the hope that religion instills. And I hate myself for it.

Aside from the fact that I'm pretty enchanted by the concept of a holiday devoted to fucking other people (I'd call it "Adultermas") I'd say there's really very little that you can do to sway your man here, Candi. He's clearly made his position known, despite your reasoned arguments to the contrary. I've always been a little weirded out by the idea that you get a single-target-sexuality the minute you're in a committed relationship. That's not how biology works.

But you can't help how he feels, either, and a little jealousy is understandable. You just need to remind him why you chose him, mainly that love and respect the two of you have. You might not be able to erase the jealousy, but it's entirely possible to bury it under something positive.

I fall more in love with you with every post. I want to make Adultermas happen. Maybe if I start celebrating it, it would become bigger and bigger- all grass roots and shit. We can make this happen. Lets set a date.

 

[Que]

Sorry; isn't jealousy.
Jealousy is when you don't want your boyfriend going out with someone who is "just-a-friend" and things like that.

I feel (and it seems your boyfriend does too) if you truly love someone then you aren't going to have desires in other people, but only be interested in who you're with.

I agree with your boyfriend. You shouldn't even want to have sex with others if your heart truly belongs to him.

It's clear your boyfriend wants someone who can feel the same way.
If you can't then you should just end the relationship with him.



No, I don't expect anyone on THIS website to agree. But I don't care.

My HEART belonged to my wife for nearly 20 years..(sadly still a part probably does) My DICK had other ideas. My BRAIN and my WILL made me keep my dick in my pants (except for the one time when it was hard enough that it peaked out but that was a totally avoidable accident!)

Her brain found a way to justify her infidelity and make it mostly my fault....I could care less if her desires/interests and morals allowed her to do the physical acts, and it would be normal to hide and obfuscate to get away with such...but to plan your life with the help of a stranger in ways that affects your partner and your children is pretty extreme betrayal.

 

[CandiCame]

Sorry; isn't jealousy.
Jealousy is when you don't want your boyfriend going out with someone who is "just-a-friend" and things like that.

I feel (and it seems your boyfriend does too) if you truly love someone then you aren't going to have desires in other people, but only be interested in who you're with.

I agree with your boyfriend. You shouldn't even want to have sex with others if your heart truly belongs to him.

It's clear your boyfriend wants someone who can feel the same way.
If you can't then you should just end the relationship with him.



No, I don't expect anyone on THIS website to agree. But I don't care.

I think you feel a lot like he does. Like, a lot- this could allmost be a copy/paste of the shit he yelled at me. I mean this in the least dickish way possible, because he reacted badly to it, and you already seem kinda defensive- but could you please elaborate a little? This is seriously what he said and what I didn't understand. I don't understand it any more because it was repeated- but I really like that you understand where he's coming from.

So, when you're in a relationship, you never look at other people? You don't think about other people? Not even in that, "I'd hit that," in passing kind of way?

Just a side note- I put up with waaay to much of his gay-ass self-richious bullshit to have it end over who I've slept with. He knew who I was when he decided to do this. I don't really understand why he thought I would magically change.

I'm not mad at him, at all. I just really don't know how to react- he was really mad, like we left he was so mad; because of this conversation he was having that I didn't know was supposed to be taboo. This might even go in the s&m section, but how the fuck do you react when your dom tells you how to think? That's kind of- intense. And I don't know how to do that. If I knew how to change negative thought patterns, I wouldn't be in therapy right now, you know?

 

[CaliGuy60]

The issue of what you think privately is not his nor anyone else's concern. Your thoughts are a private matter for you alone. You can't control your thoughts, you should never be forced to share your thoughts, and you should never agree to have not not have any particular thoughts.

If someone is asking you do do these things, there is a big problem.

Just my little worthless opinion.

 

[CandiCame]

Well, we can't see it the same way.
We're different people with tons of different things about us so I don't think I can help you understand just as I won't be able to understand you for this situation. :\

Never. Not even the tiniest bit. When I'm with someone, I'm like blinded to seeing any form of beauty in another person. Sure, I can acknowledge if someone looks decent but it's not going to be in a way where I'm actually interested in them.
The only person I'll have any interest in is who I'm with.

Not a fan of the slang.
But anyways.
That's understandable.
Sometimes in a serious relationship, people give up things for one another.
But this is something about you that isn't going to change so as much as he may want you to feel different, it won't happen. It probably bothers him.

It might not be to you, but to him it is taboo. It isn't about jealousy really. It's just about what's felt with the other person.
He doesn't like the idea of you still being interested in other people and wanting to have sex with them because it makes him feel like he isn't everything to you, because if he was then he feels you'd only want to be with him no matter what.
And maybe he isn't everything to you - I don't know the level of your relationship but maybe you get what I'm saying.

He might be mad, but he's probably really hurt. Crushed even. :\

When he said you shouldn't want to, he wasn't telling you how to think. He was speaking in a general sense that you shouldn't actually feel the want to do so. Not that you have to obey or something.

For you, being together might be enough to keep you happy. (Like you were saying, at the end of the day he comes home to you.)
But for him or at least for me, that isn't enough. The relationship has to be deeper than that.
I certainly couldn't ever be with someone who didn't feel the same way I do.
I want to be their everything, the only person they think about and could see themself with rather than just someone they're with.

*is suddenly kind of scared of the commitment that this line of thought leads to*

 

[Cherry_Rose]

Deleted

Well, we can't see it the same way.


We're different people with tons of different things about us so I don't think I can help you understand just as I won't be able to understand you for this situation. :\

Never. Not even the tiniest bit. When I'm with someone, I'm like blinded to seeing any form of beauty in another person. Sure, I can acknowledge if someone looks decent but it's not going to be in a way where I'm actually interested in them.
The only person I'll have any interest in is who I'm with.

Not a fan of the slang.
But anyways.
That's understandable.
Sometimes in a serious relationship, people give up things for one another.
But this is something about you that isn't going to change so as much as he may want you to feel different, it won't happen. It probably bothers him.

It might not be to you, but to him it is taboo. It isn't about jealousy really. It's just about what's felt with the other person.
He doesn't like the idea of you still being interested in other people and wanting to have sex with them because it makes him feel like he isn't everything to you, because if he was then he feels you'd only want to be with him no matter what.
And maybe he isn't everything to you - I don't know the level of your relationship but maybe you get what I'm saying.

He might be mad, but he's probably really hurt. Crushed even. :\

When he said you shouldn't want to, he wasn't telling you how to think. He was speaking in a general sense that you shouldn't actually feel the want to do so. Not that you have to obey or something.

For you, being together might be enough to keep you happy. (Like you were saying, at the end of the day he comes home to you.)
But for him or at least for me, that isn't enough. The relationship has to be deeper than that.
I certainly couldn't ever be with someone who didn't feel the same way I do.
I want to be their everything, the only person they think about and could see themself with rather than just someone they're with.

 

[KoPilot]

Well, we can't see it the same way.
We're different people with tons of different things about us so I don't think I can help you understand just as I won't be able to understand you for this situation. :\

Never. Not even the tiniest bit. When I'm with someone, I'm like blinded to seeing any form of beauty in another person. Sure, I can acknowledge if someone looks decent but it's not going to be in a way where I'm actually interested in them.
The only person I'll have any interest in is who I'm with.

Not a fan of the slang.
But anyways.
That's understandable.
Sometimes in a serious relationship, people give up things for one another.
But this is something about you that isn't going to change so as much as he may want you to feel different, it won't happen. It probably bothers him.

It might not be to you, but to him it is taboo. It isn't about jealousy really. It's just about what's felt with the other person.
He doesn't like the idea of you still being interested in other people and wanting to have sex with them because it makes him feel like he isn't everything to you, because if he was then he feels you'd only want to be with him no matter what.
And maybe he isn't everything to you - I don't know the level of your relationship but maybe you get what I'm saying.

He might be mad, but he's probably really hurt. Crushed even. :\

When he said you shouldn't want to, he wasn't telling you how to think. He was speaking in a general sense that you shouldn't actually feel the want to do so. Not that you have to obey or something.

For you, being together might be enough to keep you happy. (Like you were saying, at the end of the day he comes home to you.)
But for him or at least for me, that isn't enough. The relationship has to be deeper than that.
I certainly couldn't ever be with someone who didn't feel the same way I do.
I want to be their everything, the only person they think about and could see themself with rather than just someone they're with.

I pretty much feel the exact same way.

I rarely ever ever fantasize about other people (the attractiveness of others rarely even occurs to me), and even then I know that I'd never ever sleep with them, even given the plainest of chances. I like to think about the idea of people, or aspects of people, or situations in the vaguest of terms, but my train of thought usually just comes right back to him. Almost everyone is a dotted outline to me, in which I could cut and paste my BF, or myself, which may or may not sound strange and dishonest to you in some way, but... versatility and role-playing is usually what helps to keep a healthy monog alive.

My BF watches straight porn, we watch straight porn together. To the both of us, erotic material featuring people that aren't us is a tool more than an end in itself, and one that brings us closer together. You can say we have issues and insecurities all you want, but the need to be as much as everything to each other as possible is very strong with us. Any less and we feel patronized or simply "convenient".

I think maybe that your partner is feeling like you're with him out of convenience; it's an ugly feeling.

 

[OnceFuturePoly]

I'm weird too.

I love my primary, and what makes her happy makes me happy. She likes MFM, and I'm glad to help have them, even on the occasions with I'm not one of the "M"s.

She is also my first priority. When I have to choose, I always choose her. I accept her vetoes (doesn't mean I roll over, resistance is NOT alway futile!)

I also know the reverse is true, her for me. Even when she finds a really great partner, I know that she will be coming home. And if I call for her, she'll come to me immediately.

First, There are many things I can't provide for her. Why should I deny her just because she can't get them from me?

Second, many things are just different, not better nor worse. Why should I stop her experiencing something in a different way?

Occasionally she reminds me of why she values our relationship. She may be able to improve on something specific with someone else, but she can never find someone who better sums all the parts together.

So what's wrong with enabling her happiness, since she's committed to me?

 

[Kurokami]

I fall more in love with you with every post. I want to make Adultermas happen. Maybe if I start celebrating it, it would become bigger and bigger- all grass roots and shit. We can make this happen. Lets set a date.

Fuck yeah let's make Adultermas happen!

People could sing Adultermas carols- really just ribald bar songs and that one Jonathon Coulton song about having sex outdoors- and decorate an Adultermas tree- with sex toys- and carve erotically shaped vegetables into Adultery Lanterns And on Adultermas Eve, Lecher Claus comes climbin' in your windows to give handjobs to all the good boys and girls! It really is the most wonderful fucking time of the year! Don't miss the Adultermas Day parade, sponsored by Viagra!

And honestly, if that last paragraph isn't enough to convince most people, I don't know what else to do. As for the date, I'm thinking sometime in spring, where all of nature is fucking anyway.

Getting back to the actual topic at hand, I'm beginning to realize that my opinion on the matter might be a little warped. I love my wife so much it hurts, but the thing is, we're both completely open about our desires and basically we both have an open invitation to sleep with others, assuming some form of prior discussion. The fact that we haven't indicates that we sort of don't need to. In fact, my wife has been indicating for quite a while that she'd favor polyamory if given the chance, which I find a little bit awesome.

Recently, I've begun a relationship with another young woman, with my wife's complete, enthusiastic support, and it hasn't changed the depth of my love for her in the slightest. I don't see any reason why a relationship can't survive attraction to another, or even flourish because of that. But then again, romantic jealousy as a concept has always been a bit foreign to me. I just count myself lucky to have landed my wife, let alone this really great new thing

 

[Deleted member 1306910]

When I was 19-21 I thought that love was all about forever and together as one. I thought that I could be someones everything.

I was consumed and obsessed with love, sick with it and when it didn't work out, I really did think that I would actually die. I felt physical pain and really went into physical shock from emotional blows.

But then...I also thought death was the most horrible thing and the saddest most terrible event that could ever happen was someone dying young.

I thought friendship always lasted forever and my loyalty to my friends was fucking ETERNAL man! I would be on their side and have their backs until the end of all gods damned TIME!!!! GO TEAM!!!

I look back on that kid now and I can't help laughing at him a little. While at the same time I feel sad for the person I've become. I've seen so much now. Done so many things. Been so many different places.

Death no longer bothers me much. I know that friendships don't last and we eventually lose the people we love, no matter what. If enough time passes...

I no longer have the capacity to feel anything to an overwhelming degree. Not love, not pain, not fear, not loss, not hope. Nothing.

Part of me has lost this thing, this bit of innocence or humanity along the way. But part of it is just having lived enough to grow up.

Those of you who believe that you can be 'everything' to another person, or that they are 'everything' to you, I both envy and pity you. Give it enough time or enough life in a short time and you'll grow up too.

 

[WastelandVoice]

As another poster said, it's really hard to judge or give advice based on people you haven't met but just to add my two cents to this I was in a similar situation in a previous relationship and it did not end well. It was a constant battle.

When you say things like "Yeah if we weren't together I'd be fucking a different person every night" can you kinda see how that would give someone trust issues? I know you said you either trust someone or you don't but come on, life isn't that easy and the world isn't always so black and white. And even if it IS that easy to you it's obviously not that simple for him. In my experience one of the most difficult things to do is trust someone when they give you reasons not to and whether you know it or not, you're giving him reasons not to when you say things like that. It's not intentional, I get that, but clearly he sees things differently then you do and that, in my experience, is going to be a big problem for you guys.

There's a difference between saying "Yes, sweetie, of course I still find other people attractive" and "I'd like to fuck other people."

To some people- that's fine, they think it's hot. Have you ever been in a threesome with a boyfriend and someone else? There are people who find it incredibly hot and can deal with it and there are people who would never ever ever want to share their significant other with someone else. I'm not saying one way is BETTER than the other but it's one of the ways that people are different and you're clearly not sharing the same viewpoints and values and that could be a big problem in the future.

He's not telling you "how to think" per se, he's telling you how HE thinks and that he's upset that you don't think/feel the same way. Again, some people get in a relationship and they don't want anyone else. I think you're interpretting this incorrectly- it's not that he doesn't find other people attractive, of course he does. He's got eyes, he sees good looking people and maybe even thinks about them. But according to him he doesn't WANT to be with them and you saying "I WANT to fuck other people" doesn't sit well with him and that's just the way he/you are.

The fact that you wouldn't care if he went out and fucked other people is clearly fine for you... but it's not for him and if you want to talk about not telling people how they should think, well, you can't tell him not to feel jealous, insecure, or hurt that you don't share his value on your sex life. Clearly it's more personal and intimate to him than it is to you.

I really can't say anything definitive because I don't know either of you at all but it really sounds like you guys probably aren't right for each other. Trust me, unless you two can come to some sort of agreement or understanding on this, this is an issue that isn't going to go away and now that it's "out there" it's going to be on his mind whenever you go out without him or he catches you glancing at a good looking waiter. Not everyone is meant to be together and sometimes love isn't all you need.

 

[KoPilot]

The fact that you wouldn't care if he went out and fucked other people is clearly fine for you... but it's not for him and if you want to talk about not telling people how they should think, well, you can't tell him not to feel jealous, insecure, or hurt that you don't share his value on your sex life. Clearly it's more personal and intimate to him than it is to you.

Yeah from a monog perspective, that's kinda how I feel about it too. You have every right to feel that his POV doesn't mesh with yours at all, but he also is completely entitled to feel jealous. It's just how he feels, and arguing that one feeling is superior to another usually gets ugly.

 

[Noira]

So, when you're in a relationship, you never look at other people? You don't think about other people? Not even in that, "I'd hit that," in passing kind of way?

When you're in a super-duper religious relationship, yep! I spent many, many years of my life being a very good church-going woman. I still cringe at the time where, at camp, they split us up by gender to give us talks. The talk for us ladies was "don't dress immodestly so that you will not tempt men into the sin of adultery because looking at you lustfully is sin and it's YOUR FAULT IF THEY SIN AND YOU'RE WEARING TIGHT TEESHIRTS", paraphrased, and a bunch of shit about purity and saving yourself for your One Twue Wuv and stuff.

(My friend's brother was brought to the other side, of course. I found out through him that the talk they got was "don't look at porn and keep your dick in your pants.")

So yeah, basically we got the "if you're raped it's your own fault" talk. It summed up to "if you think about other people in an 'I'd hit that' kind of way, you are committing adultery!" except they didn't actually tell US that because we were the women and we'd be making men commit that sin and obviously women have no passions or lustful thoughts. I was a pretty young teenager at that point, but even I was sitting there uncomfortably and thinking about how this talk was basically them telling us that sin was our fault and why the hell weren't they telling us how to avoid getting into compromising situations and just assuming that men would be the only ones experiencing these sexual sinful thoughts of death and shit and whatever.

In short, if he got the same drill as I (we) did, yeah, no, you aren't supposed to look. One look is forgivable, a double-take is sin, as we put it.

Then I started double-taking at hotties of various genders and wondered why the hell they didn't spend that hour telling me how to deal with that instead of just telling me to wear very modest clothing.

Then I learned the truth: people and relationships are not one size fits all. What he needs might not be what you need. While I understand the grounds you're coming from (I love you so much that I'm only thinking about fucking them), your POVs don't have to mesh. Your thoughts don't have to be the same.

It took me a long time to get over the idea that I was committing a sin against my future monogamous committed life partner by thinking "wowza, I want to hit that." Now that just seems like a silly idea--I know that the problem would be if I went out and hit that while I was in a relationship with a monogamous committed life partner, duh. Still, if that's what he's been told, he might never let it go. Why do you think porn is such a problem for a lot of people, or specifically, their partner watching porn? They think it's committing adultery. And since every relationship is a precious individual thing between different people with different thoughts and feelings, in some relationships it will be wrong.

While I don't think his reaction was unfounded (and decent statements have been made by the posters above me, not least of all that it's because of his religious background that you've mentioned him having in prior posts), I do think the overall situation might be indicative of a need to take a step back and look at things clear-headed. Is his--what you perceive as a jealous reaction--going to be a relationship killer? Is your--what he perceives as a trust issue--going to be a relationship killer for him?

Everyone's different. It doesn't have to be a relationship killer. It might just mean that in the future you might want to keep such comments in your mind where they are for all the rest of us with eyes for all the prizes, as it were.

And I must echo what Mike said, as I do think it's the core part of his reaction.

He wants to feel as though he is a significant and necessary part of your life.

No one wants to feel as if they're a burden to how you'd rather be living, even if that's not the case.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[KoPilot]

Those of you who believe that you can be 'everything' to another person, or that they are 'everything' to you, I both envy and pity you. Give it enough time or enough life in a short time and you'll grow up too.

Define 'everything'.