Balance career and relationships?

[nayia]

I just graduated college, left my bf in college town and moved back home. For many reasons I've decided not to find work in college town, but bf and I plan to stay together and get married someday.

He was supposed to visit me this week but I got invited to two interviews so I took those. Bf said he understands, blah blah, but has been acting distant. He says things like work is your first and only priority now, you've been too busy to pay attention, I will see you when I see you. When I tell him I miss him and love him he just says ok.

Was it wrong for me to take the interviews? If I want to marry this guy should I push work and everything else to the side for him? Please help I am so confused and sad that I must have hurt his feelings.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Was it wrong for me to take the interviews? If I want to marry this guy should I push work and everything else to the side for him? Please help I am so confused and sad that I must have hurt his feelings.

I suspect you already know the answer to this, but pushing everything else aside is rarely a good idea. You don't want to end up in a marriage where you're resentful of how much you've had to give up for him, especially if closing doors limits your options for independence later on.

OTOH, I can relate to him being upset. In long-distance relationships, contact time is precious and it's upsetting when somebody breaks an appointment - even if there's a good solid reason for it.

One thing that might help is talking through how much contact the two of you have, figure out some expectations for how to handle these conflicts BEFORE they happen. IME, if you make agreements in advance - things like "If I have to break a date, I'll try to give you as much notice as possible, and I'll take responsibility for organising our next meet-up" - it's a bit easier for both sides to cope. Even if you don't work out exactly how to handle things, just having the conversation goes a long way to showing good faith.

 

[culloden]

Welcome to adulthood. If anyone ever told you that's an easy place to be, they lied. You're in the middle of a big change in your life. You don't have to figure it all out at once.

Given this economic climate, that you're getting interviews is awesome. You should take them. Your boyfriend should understand that you should take them. It's not all about you pleasing him. He has to respect your needs as well. Perhaps you need to explain that to him, gently. If he's still in school and you're out, he may be feeling left behind and insecure.

 

[SpiritRider]

I just graduated college, left my bf in college town and moved back home. For many reasons I've decided not to find work in college town, but bf and I plan to stay together and get married someday.

He was supposed to visit me this week but I got invited to two interviews so I took those. Bf said he understands, blah blah, but has been acting distant. He says things like work is your first and only priority now, you've been too busy to pay attention, I will see you when I see you. When I tell him I miss him and love him he just says ok.

Was it wrong for me to take the interviews? If I want to marry this guy should I push work and everything else to the side for him? Please help I am so confused and sad that I must have hurt his feelings.

Personal experience...
I gave up a very lucrative career to be with a woman. She's gone and so is the career.

The answer seems obvious to me even though I can see why you're worried about losing him.
Go to the interviews. If he wants to be a part of your life then the celebration can double as a reunion.

Best of luck.

 

[subwannabe]

You should listen to SpiritRider. That really sounds like sage advice. I have seen more and more of this lately for some reason - young people growing up, having to make decisions in the here and now while us older people have the luxury of experience and can look back at these decisions as if we are peering back in time. It seems so easy to us but we went through the same trials and tribulations when we were young. You have to realize that people grow and change not only in their personal lives but their professional lives. A 23 year old can be a totally different person than when they were 18 and so are their boyfriends and girlfriends. Ditto education and their professional lives. Young people make a big mistake when they put their personal lives before their professional lives when they are young. You are supposed to get on your feet first, find someone to love, get married, and have children, in that order. It is almost always a mistake if you don't follow the correct order. Don't mess up the timeline by worrying more about this than getting on your feet first. I know it can be hard at the time but the truth is that if your boyfriend can't understand this then you are doomed to a life that is traveling down the wrong road.

 

[NomadLady]

I just graduated college, left my bf in college town and moved back home. For many reasons I've decided not to find work in college town, but bf and I plan to stay together and get married someday.

He was supposed to visit me this week but I got invited to two interviews so I took those. Bf said he understands, blah blah, but has been acting distant. He says things like work is your first and only priority now, you've been too busy to pay attention, I will see you when I see you. When I tell him I miss him and love him he just says ok.

Was it wrong for me to take the interviews? If I want to marry this guy should I push work and everything else to the side for him? Please help I am so confused and sad that I must have hurt his feelings.

Communication is key to any relationship. You need to find out why he is behaving the way he is....jealousy? insecurity? loneliness? whatever. FIND OUT. If you are already done with school it is time to look for the career that you want. If he is truly meant to be part of your future he will support your career goals and choices and everything will work out in the future.

If he is being petty, selfish, jealous, etc...it's better to know how, cut your losses and move on.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Communication is key to any relationship. You need to find out why he is behaving the way he is....jealousy? insecurity? loneliness? whatever. FIND OUT. If you are already done with school it is time to look for the career that you want. If he is truly meant to be part of your future he will support your career goals and choices and everything will work out in the future.

If he is being petty, selfish, jealous, etc...it's better to know how, cut your losses and move on.

QFT!

Never let ANYONE come between you and the things you want. As a young person it is easy to be blinded by love and loyalty, but if you allow others to dictate the decisions you make for your own future, you'll likely wind up as SpiritRider suggests, older, alone, and without a career or means of self-support.

As has been said, communication is the key. For a healthy relationship you have to be able to discuss issues before they become a problem. You need to talk with the BF and not only understand where his mind is at, you both need to agree to a compromise when "life" gets in the way of personal things.

My biggest suspicion is that he's pissed that he doesn't get to see you as often and doesn't know how to handle it, so when you had to cancel personal plans for business he really got rubbed the wrong way. Now, if you cancel on him EVERY time you're supposed to get together he'd have something to bitch about. This is where the communication comes in, he's got to know that your career just as important to you as his career is to him, and that you must BOTH work together to accommodate these needs. If he cannot do that, then leaving him behind is the absolute best thing for you to do, as much as you might not want to.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

 

[nayia]

Thanks for the advice! It seems like everyone said what I was thinking in the first place, to focus on my job for now which would be good for both of us in the future. It's just so hard, and he is so upset but he won't talk about it with me. He has been acting kind of distant, and when I pointed it out he got angry and said I read into things too much.

It's hard not to doubt myself and what I see, but I think maybe he didn't realize he was acting that way on purpose. This whole situation sucks. He's a few years older than me, got fired from his last job and has been trying to get back on his feet again for the past couple of years. He didn't finish college. I feel like maybe he resents me a little bit. But then maybe he's right and I am reading too much into this. Of course he denies it, but sometimes he says snarky things like "sorry I'm not like you and don't have my shit together."

Anyway, he's still angry with me but you guys are probably right. I need to focus on work right now and set myself up for life, and if he isn't supportive maybe he isn't the right guy for me. He also gets into these rages and totally cusses me out, and pulls my hair. I know this is abuse and the smart thing to do would be to leave, but other times he's so sweet and attentive. I guess I kind of just figured out what I need to do now...

Thanks for the advice!

 

[pplwatching]

He also gets into these rages and totally cusses me out, and pulls my hair. I know this is abuse and the smart thing to do would be to leave, but other times he's so sweet and attentive.

Why would you want to consider a future with a man who verbally and physically abuses you? This kind of behaviour almost always escalates, and rarely ends well. In light of this information, it would seem like he's being passive-aggresive. He's trying to get you to do what he wants you to do, without coming out and demanding that you do it. If that's the case, then this is very manipulative behaviour from someone that you claim loves you.

IMHO you are far better off without this man.

 

[NomadLady]

Thanks for the advice! It seems like everyone said what I was thinking in the first place, to focus on my job for now which would be good for both of us in the future. It's just so hard, and he is so upset but he won't talk about it with me. He has been acting kind of distant, and when I pointed it out he got angry and said I read into things too much.

It's hard not to doubt myself and what I see, but I think maybe he didn't realize he was acting that way on purpose. This whole situation sucks. He's a few years older than me, got fired from his last job and has been trying to get back on his feet again for the past couple of years. He didn't finish college. I feel like maybe he resents me a little bit. But then maybe he's right and I am reading too much into this. Of course he denies it, but sometimes he says snarky things like "sorry I'm not like you and don't have my shit together."

Anyway, he's still angry with me but you guys are probably right. I need to focus on work right now and set myself up for life, and if he isn't supportive maybe he isn't the right guy for me. He also gets into these rages and totally cusses me out, and pulls my hair. I know this is abuse and the smart thing to do would be to leave, but other times he's so sweet and attentive. I guess I kind of just figured out what I need to do now...

Thanks for the advice!

After this revelation that he physically and emotionally abuses, just move on with your career plans and slowly drop your contact with him. His actions do seem to indicate a pretty high level of jealously about your finishing your degree and working on a future and you don't need to be dragged down by someone who readily admits he doesn't have his "shit together".

You will be better off in the long run and this distance apart now will greatly help you in moving on.

 

[Eilan]

Dump the motherfucker, like, yesterday.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Anyway, he's still angry with me but you guys are probably right. I need to focus on work right now and set myself up for life, and if he isn't supportive maybe he isn't the right guy for me. He also gets into these rages and totally cusses me out, and pulls my hair. I know this is abuse and the smart thing to do would be to leave, but other times he's so sweet and attentive. I guess I kind of just figured out what I need to do now...

From what I've heard, most abusers are "sweet and attentive" when they need to be. But there are other guys in the world who are sweet and attentive and DON'T fly into rages or get physically violent. This puts a different slant on the whole interview thing; one of the other things abusers do is undermine their partners' independence to make it harder for them to leave the relationship.

 

[nayia]

He says he gets angry and calls me names because I push him and don't listen to him and that hurts him. How can I make him understand that I don't deserve to be yelled at? I tried to say that when he gets like that it's hard for me to listen to anything else and he said I must be stupid and not able to read (when we fight on Skype or text). I want to help him. I don't want him to be like this, I know it hurts him too.

Has anyone ever helped an abusive partner get better? Or is this something that I can't change?

 

[paisleyavenger]

i wuld humbly posit that this is something he needs to fix, not you.

 

[paisleyavenger]

would, not wuld!
stupid phone wont let me edit. and i powerful hate typos.

 

[NomadLady]

He says he gets angry and calls me names because I push him and don't listen to him and that hurts him. How can I make him understand that I don't deserve to be yelled at? I tried to say that when he gets like that it's hard for me to listen to anything else and he said I must be stupid and not able to read (when we fight on Skype or text). I want to help him. I don't want him to be like this, I know it hurts him too.

Has anyone ever helped an abusive partner get better? Or is this something that I can't change?

You don't need to convince him that you shouldn't be yelled at, a NICE and SWEET attentive man knows that without being told. Why would you want to invest your time in an abusive partner???? especially since you haven't enough on your plate right now working on finding your first career job after graduation????

Right this man off as a lesson learned before the cost of the lesson gets too high.

 

[Bramblethorn]

He says he gets angry and calls me names because I push him and don't listen to him and that hurts him. How can I make him understand that I don't deserve to be yelled at? I tried to say that when he gets like that it's hard for me to listen to anything else and he said I must be stupid and not able to read (when we fight on Skype or text). I want to help him. I don't want him to be like this, I know it hurts him too.

Has anyone ever helped an abusive partner get better? Or is this something that I can't change?

This is classic abusive behaviour, trying to shift the responsibility for his aggression onto you. If he's not willing to own his behaviour there's nothing you can do to make him, and you shouldn't feel responsible for fixing him.

Be aware that "I can change" is cheap and actual change is hard.

 

[NippleMuncher]

He says he gets angry and calls me names because I push him and don't listen to him and that hurts him. How can I make him understand that I don't deserve to be yelled at? I tried to say that when he gets like that it's hard for me to listen to anything else and he said I must be stupid and not able to read (when we fight on Skype or text). I want to help him. I don't want him to be like this, I know it hurts him too.

Has anyone ever helped an abusive partner get better? Or is this something that I can't change?

Honey, trust all of us when we tell you that you cannot change him. He is an ass, a sweet ass at times, but generally an ass and most certainly an ass when he isn't getting what he wants, which is for you to dote on him and do what he wants. You can do that, but at the end of the day you are going to hate yourself for wasting your life, and all the while he is going to become even more of an ass, more abusive, and more of an ass. Did I mention that he's just going to become a worse ass than he already is?

If I didn't, let me make it perfectly clear, there is NOTHING you can do to change this ass from being anything but the ass that he is. You are smart to recognize him for the ass that he is now and move on rather than invest one more second in him.

This is one of those defining points in your life. You can chose to define the moment or you can choose for moment to define you. Again, please trust me when I say, define this moment, take control of yourself and your life and drop this abusive SOB.

 

[njlauren]

I agree with others, the description is troubling, this isn't just issues with a long distance relationship. It sounds like your BF has anger issues and takes it out on you, and that isn't good. I realize he is in a bad place, having lost his job, etc, but that doesn't excuse his behavior towards you. Even if he didn't scream at you or pull your hair, he is acting passive/aggressive when he freezes you out but then says "nothing is wrong" when you ask him what is going on, it is creating a self fulfilling prophesy because you will react to his frigidness, then that will give him the exude to blame you more.

You can't change him, you can make clear to him you won't stand for his behavior, that he needs to get himself in shape, and simply promising doesn't mean anything. Only he can change himself if he wants to.

Plus I know this sounds judgmental and I realize it isn't exactly an easy economy out there, but could it be his emotional issues are holding him back with jobs? He didn't finish school, got fired from his job (assuming it wasn't a layoff, that is) and he is basically drifting, what kind of future will you have with someone who doesn't seem to be able to get it together?

Yeah, I am an old fart who has been working for almost 30 years now, but I also was where you are, and I agree, you are going to need to focus on where you are going and if BF doesn't understand that it is hard, but he isn't exactly someone who should say what you should do, given he seems to need help. I would be willing to bet that the emotional issues that cause him to behave towards you like that also are hurting his chances with employment, rarely are issues that isolated.

And here is another perspective, if you somehow think he is worth saving, worth trying to reform, to do so you are going to need to be in a position where you are settled enough to do it. Therapists when talking to parents talk about the oxygen mask effect, where on an airplane they tell you to get the mask on yourself first before helping others, because you need to get yourself straightened out before you can help others.
Focus on getting yourself moving with a job and then think about what you want to do with him.....I do agree with others he has issues, and I would be leery of someone like that, but if you really feel he is worth saving, do it when you have yourself humming along.

 

[pplwatching]

He says he gets angry and calls me names because I push him and don't listen to him and that hurts him. How can I make him understand that I don't deserve to be yelled at? I tried to say that when he gets like that it's hard for me to listen to anything else and he said I must be stupid and not able to read (when we fight on Skype or text). I want to help him. I don't want him to be like this, I know it hurts him too.

Has anyone ever helped an abusive partner get better? Or is this something that I can't change?

In my humble opinion, physical abuse should never be tolerated. If he volunteers for anger management or counseling on his own, without your prodding, then perhaps there is something there worth working through. It is very common for women, in particular, to believe that they can help an abusive partner change. I think it's wonderful that women are so nututing, but in this situation it is sadly misguided. Unfortunately, it is a slippery slope. By the time that you figure out that he isn't going to change, and that you can't change him you will be very much entangled and leaving will be all that much more difficult. Imagine being married, pregnant, or raising children when his behavior escalates. It will only be that much more difficult to end the relationship.

It would seem to me that now, while you have a natural break in your relationship, is a great time to focus on your career and then when you are ready for a romantic relationship find a man who deserves you.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Walk away as clean as you can, as quick as you can. Never stay in an abusive relationship, even a verbal one. The only one you short-sell is yourself.

 

[silverwhisper]

nayia, if your friend said her bf sometimes...

gets into these rages and totally cusses me out, and pulls my hair. i know this is abuse and the smart thing to do would be to leave, but other times he's so sweet and attentive.

wouldn't you tell your friend that anyone can be sweet & attentive over a short span? not saying that he is, but psychopaths are described in the same way.

you already know what needs to be done here. you just need to summon the courage to do it.

ed

 

[culloden]

Run! Don't walk. He's an abuser, and the situation won't improve. Take control of your own life. A guy who truly loves you will support your pursuit of happiness.

 

[subwannabe]

You do need to dump this guy. Classic example of a guy who punches out his woman, gives her a black eye, and then buys her roses and tells her how sorry he is - until the next time. Life with these kind of people always gets worse, it never gets better. He doesn't want you to do good because he has got his manhood to protect. He got fired from a job. You not only have a college education when he doesn't but you are trying to land a good job with a future. Deep down he knows he is not good enough for you so he has to do whatever he has to do so that you do not succeed. The last thing he needs is someone staring him in the face who is doing far better than him. You talk about having a future together but the truth is you do not unless you want a life of misery. For some reason it is hard for younger people to understand that there is more than one fish in the ocean. Finding a great relationship is usually not easy so sometimes it is easier to just settle. Don't.

 

[BertrandRussell]

I'll join the chorus: walk away. Walk away now. Think about what is happening here: a bunch of strangers - many with a whole lot more experience at life than you have - are all saying the same thing.

Trust us. Dump him.