BDSM & Autism: Intro

[kree90]

There are different types of Autism. Autism with a learning disability, and autism without a learning disability. The following parts are based on similarities within the lives of those of us with autism but without a learning disability. While it looks different for all of us, because we are all unique, I wanted to share my own experiences with autism and BDSM to bring awareness to the autistic people within the community. There are more of us than we even realize.

I hope to give people insight if they are curious enough for it, in (hopefully) bite-sized chunks. Writing is sort of my thing, though, and I’m passionate about this subject, but I’ll try very hard to maintain your attention with smallish parts. Unless you want more. I’ve got autism and I’ve hyper-focused on psychology and…well, that’s a whole other monster

I often get the “I wouldn’t have even thought you were autistic” comments, and I want to change what autism looks like to the average person (including anyone struggling with their diagnosis). So, here is me: I am a sub. I have grown within the community for the last 11 years, but I’ve known since a young teenager I was just a little different than other girls my age. I struggle with CPTSD, which will be woven throughout the series a little, but I plan to do another series about CPTSD and BDSM to create more awareness about it. Because, again, there are more of us than even we realize.

Today, the day I decided to write this series, is my last day in college classes before I graduate with my BA in Psychology (with a focus on mental health). I wasn’t diagnosed with Autism until I was 32, as it isn’t uncommon for females to be missed. It presents differently in different genders AND different people.

I’m also a single mom of an autistic little boy. I work full-time in a job that I love and make good money and that has opportunities for growth. I have goals, BIG goals. Publishing novels is one of them. Being a researcher in psychology. Helping people heal from childhood trauma. Healing generational trauma in societies. I have autism, but I can accomplish every single one of my goals, stated or otherwise.

Basically, we get all A’s in the same classes as you, too.

I have friends. I have always gotten along with everyone well. I’m considerate of others and I can empathize with them. I’m not emotionally stunted from autism. I’m also human with very human flaws. I make mistakes, but it’s certain they are always with the best intentions. I can take responsibility for myself and my behavior, and autism isn’t an excuse for a chronic crappy attitude or mistreating others.

I’m intelligent, competent, nice...but I struggle to maintain eye contact with you even though I want to. Friendship only goes so deep with 99.9 percent of my friends, because I struggle to stop masking long enough to let you know me. I’m getting better at that, just being me. I’m incredibly hypersensitive to sounds, touch, and lights. I am known at work for my use of detail, same for the editing phase of my writing. I hyper-fixate on certain topics and it can be hard to get my brain to focus on anything else. Below you can find some other common traits that occur with Autism.

· Difficulty with small talk and other meaningless topics

· Difficulty with nonverbal communication (do you know how many microexpressions our faces do and how unique some of them are to us?)

· clumsiness- 8 of our senses are actually impacted by being autistic

· Anxiety and depression- comes with being misunderstood and masking all the time

· Difficulty with social interactions

· Restricted interests (they are not restricted, just focused)

· Desire for sameness (routine)

· Distinctive strengths

· hyperfocus

· Recognizing patterns



Understanding Autism & my journey within BDSM so far.

I usually don't like surprises. I like everything to be clear, planned, and expected. I want to know every little detail about everything so I can be sure I am ready, to be sure I know how I'm going to react. Ready for social engagement, ready on a mental level, just ready in general, you know?

You also know life doesn't work like that. I can control what I can control, but I can't prepare for absolutely everything, as much as I'd like to. When life hits me...it really does a number. I don't think that's really surprising, though. Being overwhelmed by life is a universal experience. We can all relate to that, regardless of whether you're neurodiverse or neurotypical.

But I'm not neurotypical. I have spent my whole life trying to hone skills to make up for what my brain can't understand. Autistic people sometimes have a really hard time putting themselves in the shoes of others. Even the phrase "in the shoes of others" makes me visually see myself LITERALLY putting on someone else's shoes instead of the concept of trying to understand how someone else feels. I hate the fact that I have CPTSD and childhood trauma because it obviously sucks, but I've considered more than once how it helped me find ways around "limitations" I'd otherwise face, or balanced out weaknesses I had. Especially once I began addressing that trauma and SAW the ways I could utilize how the trauma helped shape my brain. How I could utilize the strengths I'd developed because of it, while simultaneously getting rid of unwanted behavioral patterns. Also, my autism plays a huge part in my obsession with psychology (in that I hyper-focus on it, and in turn, hyper-focus on my healing).

My need to control everything, with the main goal of controlling how *I* react, is to ease some of the anxiety and difficulties I have with social situations. Literally, if I am not alone, it's considered a social situation to me. And I MUST prepare for it. You can imagine the internal arguments I have with myself at the beginning of any D/s relationship. I *crave* submitting. It brings me a peace that takes soooo much effort to obtain in other situations. The eventual structure and trust that's part of a healthy dynamic is something that I thrive on. For autistic people, routine is huge. It is for me. Like most people, some days I handle disruptions better than other days. Unlike neurotypical people, disruptions in my routine can lead to meltdowns. On the days I have a really hard time handling the disruptions, meltdowns are a flight/fight reaction. My reaction is one of flight, fawning, or freezing. Sometimes all three on really fun days. But it takes a lot of unseen work on my part to build relationships of any type, and maintaining those relationships can be just as difficult.

You can imagine what it must be like for me to have a transparent partner, who understands this, and my needs. I like rules, and most Doms like giving rules, even for just the fun of it. I like knowing what's coming. Knowing if I behave a certain way, there will be a certain outcome. It makes me feel SO safe and secure. It lets me be myself without fear of judgment. I can be open, communicative, and unafraid. I don't have to worry if I have the mental space to have strong social skills today. I KNOW what happens. I know the outcomes.

So, that leads to part one of the series.

Communication.

 

[MeganFachs]

Thank you for putting this out there. I learned.

 

[Enigmatica91]

As somebody with Schizoid Personality (part way between Autism & Schizophrenia, as you probably know), I can completely understand and empathise...
The number of times I've had to explain to my wife that it's not her, I love her as much as ever - but the routine was disrupted, and so my drive goes from extreme to nonexistent in order to cope with the stress of the change, however small..Far from zero.

Consistency is absolutely paramount, so it makes total sense for those of us with Autistic thinking to enjoy being submissive, your reasoning is flawless. Knowing precisely what to expect and when, being able to prepare well in advance - that stability is freedom itself, and when it's removed, chaos reigns.

Not really sure what else to say, beyond thanks for taking the time to give your perspective, you've managed to put words to a few concepts I've had rattling around my brain for a while but haven't found a way to describe.

 

[dschuetz68]

There are different types of Autism. Autism with a learning disability, and autism without a learning disability. The following parts are based on similarities within the lives of those of us with autism but without a learning disability. While it looks different for all of us, because we are all unique, I wanted to share my own experiences with autism and BDSM to bring awareness to the autistic people within the community. There are more of us than we even realize.

I hope to give people insight if they are curious enough for it, in (hopefully) bite-sized chunks. Writing is sort of my thing, though, and I’m passionate about this subject, but I’ll try very hard to maintain your attention with smallish parts. Unless you want more. I’ve got autism and I’ve hyper-focused on psychology and…well, that’s a whole other monster

I often get the “I wouldn’t have even thought you were autistic” comments, and I want to change what autism looks like to the average person (including anyone struggling with their diagnosis). So, here is me: I am a sub. I have grown within the community for the last 11 years, but I’ve known since a young teenager I was just a little different than other girls my age. I struggle with CPTSD, which will be woven throughout the series a little, but I plan to do another series about CPTSD and BDSM to create more awareness about it. Because, again, there are more of us than even we realize.

Today, the day I decided to write this series, is my last day in college classes before I graduate with my BA in Psychology (with a focus on mental health). I wasn’t diagnosed with Autism until I was 32, as it isn’t uncommon for females to be missed. It presents differently in different genders AND different people.

I’m also a single mom of an autistic little boy. I work full-time in a job that I love and make good money and that has opportunities for growth. I have goals, BIG goals. Publishing novels is one of them. Being a researcher in psychology. Helping people heal from childhood trauma. Healing generational trauma in societies. I have autism, but I can accomplish every single one of my goals, stated or otherwise.

Basically, we get all A’s in the same classes as you, too.

I have friends. I have always gotten along with everyone well. I’m considerate of others and I can empathize with them. I’m not emotionally stunted from autism. I’m also human with very human flaws. I make mistakes, but it’s certain they are always with the best intentions. I can take responsibility for myself and my behavior, and autism isn’t an excuse for a chronic crappy attitude or mistreating others.

I’m intelligent, competent, nice...but I struggle to maintain eye contact with you even though I want to. Friendship only goes so deep with 99.9 percent of my friends, because I struggle to stop masking long enough to let you know me. I’m getting better at that, just being me. I’m incredibly hypersensitive to sounds, touch, and lights. I am known at work for my use of detail, same for the editing phase of my writing. I hyper-fixate on certain topics and it can be hard to get my brain to focus on anything else. Below you can find some other common traits that occur with Autism.

· Difficulty with small talk and other meaningless topics

· Difficulty with nonverbal communication (do you know how many microexpressions our faces do and how unique some of them are to us?)

· clumsiness- 8 of our senses are actually impacted by being autistic

· Anxiety and depression- comes with being misunderstood and masking all the time

· Difficulty with social interactions

· Restricted interests (they are not restricted, just focused)

· Desire for sameness (routine)

· Distinctive strengths

· hyperfocus

· Recognizing patterns



Understanding Autism & my journey within BDSM so far.

I usually don't like surprises. I like everything to be clear, planned, and expected. I want to know every little detail about everything so I can be sure I am ready, to be sure I know how I'm going to react. Ready for social engagement, ready on a mental level, just ready in general, you know?

You also know life doesn't work like that. I can control what I can control, but I can't prepare for absolutely everything, as much as I'd like to. When life hits me...it really does a number. I don't think that's really surprising, though. Being overwhelmed by life is a universal experience. We can all relate to that, regardless of whether you're neurodiverse or neurotypical.

But I'm not neurotypical. I have spent my whole life trying to hone skills to make up for what my brain can't understand. Autistic people sometimes have a really hard time putting themselves in the shoes of others. Even the phrase "in the shoes of others" makes me visually see myself LITERALLY putting on someone else's shoes instead of the concept of trying to understand how someone else feels. I hate the fact that I have CPTSD and childhood trauma because it obviously sucks, but I've considered more than once how it helped me find ways around "limitations" I'd otherwise face, or balanced out weaknesses I had. Especially once I began addressing that trauma and SAW the ways I could utilize how the trauma helped shape my brain. How I could utilize the strengths I'd developed because of it, while simultaneously getting rid of unwanted behavioral patterns. Also, my autism plays a huge part in my obsession with psychology (in that I hyper-focus on it, and in turn, hyper-focus on my healing).

My need to control everything, with the main goal of controlling how *I* react, is to ease some of the anxiety and difficulties I have with social situations. Literally, if I am not alone, it's considered a social situation to me. And I MUST prepare for it. You can imagine the internal arguments I have with myself at the beginning of any D/s relationship. I *crave* submitting. It brings me a peace that takes soooo much effort to obtain in other situations. The eventual structure and trust that's part of a healthy dynamic is something that I thrive on. For autistic people, routine is huge. It is for me. Like most people, some days I handle disruptions better than other days. Unlike neurotypical people, disruptions in my routine can lead to meltdowns. On the days I have a really hard time handling the disruptions, meltdowns are a flight/fight reaction. My reaction is one of flight, fawning, or freezing. Sometimes all three on really fun days. But it takes a lot of unseen work on my part to build relationships of any type, and maintaining those relationships can be just as difficult.

You can imagine what it must be like for me to have a transparent partner, who understands this, and my needs. I like rules, and most Doms like giving rules, even for just the fun of it. I like knowing what's coming. Knowing if I behave a certain way, there will be a certain outcome. It makes me feel SO safe and secure. It lets me be myself without fear of judgment. I can be open, communicative, and unafraid. I don't have to worry if I have the mental space to have strong social skills today. I KNOW what happens. I know the outcomes.

So, that leads to part one of the series.

Communication.

This is a fantastic read!! Well said,this helps me understand a lot..

 

[MrRandyWatson]

You have a reader out of me. I’m 41, undiagnosed but it’s obvious, single dad of an autistic nonverbal son and a daughter who is NT and extroverted.

I’m also a sub in a relationship with a sweet and loving Domme. I also have a host of mental health issues I’m working through, but BDSM is my libido’s way of trying to work out my need to be punished in a healthy way.

 

[magic_rat]

Really educational post, thank you. I've noticed over the last few years that there seems to be a disproportionate number of people on the spectrum who are into kink. I had always assumed it was a way of controlling situations but you have clarified perfectly.

Similarly, there seems to be a disproportionate number of young trans people, I assume for similar reasons?

 

[BiliBottoms]

Difficulty with small talk and other meaningless topics

· Difficulty with nonverbal communication (do you know how many microexpressions our faces do and how unique some of them are to us?)

· clumsiness- 8 of our senses are actually impacted by being autistic

· Anxiety and depression- comes with being misunderstood and masking all the time

· Difficulty with social interactions

· Restricted interests (they are not restricted, just focused)

· Desire for sameness (routine)

· Distinctive strengths

· hyperfocus

· Recognizing patterns

Have you been secretly studying me? Because this is basically me in a nutshell. In fact, your whole soliloquy was relatable; my experiences being on the 'Spectrum' are easily defined here.
As to "hyper-focus", I would suggest a variation. I have what is defined as "inertia thinking"; once I get an idea in my head I can't be dissuaded from it until I have completed it. There's a subtle difference between it and hyper-focus, as it isn't exactly me being focused on whatever it may be. I will get an idea in my head, triggered by some random thing, and my brain will latch onto it. I have no control over it, I have to do it, no matter what it is, even when I know I shouldn't.
I once saw a group at a football game on TV, who had their chests painted with their team's colors. It was only on the screen for a second, but it got grabbed by my brain. I went out to the garage, undressed and turned myself green with a can of paint. The entire time, I was screaming in my head to stop even as I began painting myself. It was like I was just along for the ride in a body that was controlled by someone else. I literally have no control.
I am looking forward to reading the rest of this series, which I have to do, whether I want to or not... Lol

 

[Lnds]

This should be an interesting read. I am on the spectrum with some certain BDSM kinks. I was also doxxed and publicly shamed/harassed for having both. If you ever wanted to chat regarding that perspective.
: )

 

[cocktaildress21]

This is like reading about myself. So interesting. I've never really researched autism, but it's funny how ... to my experience at least, very few fit the stereotype. Everyone expects Rainman, and hardly any are like that. I think. I could be totally off. It's just that me - and every person with autism I know - falls in the category of 'you'd never know unless I told you' and no one falls into the savant category.

Also, do other people really maintain eye contact that much?

 

[40sBiCuckCple]

Great work, please keep going!

 

[Strixaluco]

This is like reading about myself. So interesting. I've never really researched autism, but it's funny how ... to my experience at least, very few fit the stereotype. Everyone expects Rainman, and hardly any are like that. I think. I could be totally off. It's just that me - and every person with autism I know - falls in the category of 'you'd never know unless I told you' and no one falls into the savant category.

Also, do other people really maintain eye contact that much?

This a major reason why so many of us are diagnosed late - or even denied being examined for autism, as even doctors have stereotypes in their head.

Like that about eye contact. Some autistic people actually are able to do it, or faking it, yet some do say that you can't be autistic if you do it. I can - but a proper I contact steals my focus and I don't necessarily even hear what you're saying, at least I can't think anything while it lasts. With my partner, though, it's delightful to loose myself in that contact as it's deeply personal.

 

[Strixaluco]

Below you can find some other common traits that occur with Autism.

I can read you know this, but I want to emphasise to the non-autistic readers that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. We come in wide variety. There's not one trait/manifestation that every one of us have, though many are common.

And they may of course come in varying degrees, too, so how it looks like in practise may then look very different. Even our skills may have an uneven profile.

In addition, majority of autistic people have at least some adhd traits. Until 2013 (I think) they were thought to be mutually exclusive, but they are not. So it's possible to have contradictory traits competing with each other. The result varies from person to person - heck, even day to day sometimes.

In my case, I need both variation and stability. The balance is often hard to find, sometimes it feels outright impossible. I hate, love, can't adapt to and yet crave routines...

Some other miscellaneous thoughts for those who don't know: Double empathy problem is real. Autistic people aren't worse at communication, we just communicate differently and neurotypicals don't do well with our style. (There's research on this, it's not just assumed.) In fact, I bet autistic people are often understand non-autistic people better than wise versa, as we've had to learn it, living a world dominated by neurotypicals. It's common for NT's to assume they know and understand us, sometimes even claiming boldly that they know better than an autistic person themself - whole having it totally wrong. Assuming doesn't really work across the double empathy gap. Autistic people tend to avoid assuming, neurotypicals assume A LOT...

One autistic youtuber introduced me to a concept that speaks to me - and apparently many other autistic people: having safe mode and flexible mode. Meaning that safe mode is when you know you can be yourself, relax or concentrate freely - even hyperfocus into something. That's when you can rest and recharge, physically /mentally/emotionally, there's no sensory load really. That mode doesn't do well with interruptions.
Flexible mode is what we do to survive situations which aren't in our control. Being in charge, interruptions being likely, surviving sensory load... Most social interaction falls into this category (all for some autistic people), often even simply being outside your home. And definitely masking. Masking excludes safe mode. Concentrating is difficult in flexible mode, and it's damn consuming.

But I may manage to switch from flexible to safe with my Dom even in public settings, because he's my safe person and I can rely on him handling situations for me, to the point of closing my eyes and letting him guide my steps. I can stop paying attention to things around me, other than him. Sometimes I'm not able to do that, and then I'm distracts by everything instead.

 

[Strixaluco]

Really educational post, thank you. I've noticed over the last few years that there seems to be a disproportionate number of people on the spectrum who are into kink. I had always assumed it was a way of controlling situations but you have clarified perfectly.

It's not just about control. Autistic brains make way more connections between things, even in surprising ways. Like associating colours and sounds, or anything like that. For some it leads to fetishes / kinks.

Though control plays part in regards to D/s of course. For me it's about getting a break from controlling - having someone safe do it for me is a bliss. I suspect my partner might be on the spectrum, too, and for him it's the need to control (in part to compensate for some major things he can't contol, it seems).

Many littles on the spectrum, too... That's about safety as well. Even childhood trauma for many.

Similarly, there seems to be a disproportionate number of young trans people, I assume for similar reasons?

I wonder what you mean by similar reasons. If you mean brain working differently - yes, but gender obviously isn't about control. You might want to read about autigender. In In Gender wiki and in
In Men's Health. “Being autigender means not subscribing to neurotypical gender norms that are binary and placed in specific boxes,” And yes, "trans and gender-diverse people were three to six times more likely to be autistic than cisgender people."