Character descriptions

[NuclearFairy]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I'd like some feed back for how I'm describing the same character in two different short stories. Both have a couple of scene setting paragraphs before she starts describing herself.

First one:

It’s not like I had a lack of people asking me out. Yeah I’m a bit on the plump side but most guys who hit on me called me delightfully curvy or squeezably sexy. So those extra thirty pounds weren’t hurting my looks any. Although health wise I suppose I could stand to lose ten to twenty of them. Otherwise I’m pretty average in looks, average height. Thick hair that goes down to mid back, at home I wear it loose. It’s a middling brown color that my bestie insists is auburn. My eyes are hazel, and with a name of Harper Brown it all combines to give me a bit of a girl next door vibe that I suppose might be throwing people off. Because the sex when I finally get them to bed is always so fucking boring, with out even the smallest ounce of anything kinky. And then once I break down and try to introduce my kinks into the mix they’re gone before I can even blink.

Second one: She's intermixing describing her boyfriend with describing herself in this one.

Mostly though I was horny. I couldn’t help thinking about how his big frame made me feel so small and secure. Or of his six black tentacles that ran in two rows down his sides, and how they felt wrapped around my plump creamy torso. Or how his smallest tentacle, his penile tentacle felt writhing inside of me until he filled me with his delightful goo.

Although I think I’m equally attracted to his face, with those enormous grayish purple eyes that contrast so nicely with his tan skin and black hair. Unlike how my own hazel eyes and brown to auburn hair just kinda blend together.

Anyways I guess I'm just wondering if the self description seems natural?

 

[PennyThompson]

I like most of the details quite a lot, and the tentacle boyfriend has me feeling some kinda way

I think Harper's self-description is a bit lengthy, though. You could easily break those details into two or three parts, and dole them out more gradually.

Save the sex life part for later, try and make it come up a little more naturally?

The only part that reads awkwardly is the line about her name, it feels a little forced. Maybe if someone else said it to her? Maybe a snarky friend calls her "Harper Beige" or something because she seems too bland?

I'm also a little squicked by the weight comments, she can be plump and squeezable and still healthy, ain't nothing wrong with a curvy girl who lifts weights at the gym or something

 

[NuclearFairy]

I think Harper's self-description is a bit lengthy, though. You could easily break those details into two or three parts, and dole them out more gradually.

I'll play around with it, see what I can do.

Save the sex life part for later, try and make it come up a little more naturally?

Previous two paragraphs for context as to why that felt the right place to place it:

I hung up my phone and sighed, somehow my best friend, the only person I still knew from childhood had talked me into hosting a singles party. I’d be providing the space, since I had an inherited three bedroom beachfront property and she had a tiny rented one bedroom apartment. So she was going to provide the booze, most likely craft beers and together we’d work on the party food.

Harriet had classic latina looks and worked as a nurse at one of the local hospitals and I was an accountant at a big corporation that I don’t even want to think about when off the clock. She had been single for six months and me for far longer, but still throwing a party just to find a guy seemed a little…

The only part that reads awkwardly is the line about her name, it feels a little forced. Maybe if someone else said it to her? Maybe a snarky friend calls her "Harper Beige" or something because she seems too bland?

It'll be a couple scenes till anyone actually says her name, so that might be a little tricky to work in.

I'm also a little squicked by the weight comments, she can be plump and squeezable and still healthy, ain't nothing wrong with a curvy girl who lifts weights at the gym or something

Yeah I know, but most girls are at least a little down on their own looks. I suppose I could cut that line though and leave it as her thinking she's more average looking than she is.

 

[grey228]

Reads fine. But hentai ain't my cup o' tea.

 

[AlexBailey]

I'll play around with it, see what I can do.

Previous two paragraphs for context as to why that felt the right place to place it:



It'll be a couple scenes till anyone actually says her name, so that might be a little tricky to work in.

Yeah I know, but most girls are at least a little down on their own looks. I suppose I could cut that line though and leave it as her thinking she's more average looking than she is.

Since Harper is describing both Harriet and herself, you could have her doing it partly as a comparison.

This contrast could give more insight into their relationship, more about her confidence or insecurities, more about both of their tastes and desires. It could say more about their motivations and whether they would be into the same guys, girls, or whatever…

It could make the narrative more efficient and engaging.


Your second description with the tentacles does this quite well.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Since Harper is describing both Harriet and herself, you could have her doing it partly as a comparison.

This contrast could give more insight into their relationship, more about her confidence or insecurities, more about both of their tastes and desires. It could say more about their motivations and whether they would be into the same guys, girls, or whatever…

It could make the narrative more efficient and engaging.


Your second description with the tentacles does this quite well.

Oh! Good idea. I've been trying to rewrite the beginning to have the phone call and kinda hitting a brick wall but I think this may've shaken something loose.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Okay so here's my original intro:

I hung up my phone and sighed, somehow my best friend, the only person I still knew from childhood had talked me into hosting a singles party. I’d be providing the space, since I had an inherited three bedroom beachfront property and she had a tiny rented one bedroom apartment. So she was going to provide the booze, most likely craft beers and together we’d work on the party food.

Harriet had classic latina looks and worked as a nurse at one of the local hospitals and I was an accountant at a big corporation that I don’t even want to think about when off the clock. She had been single for six months and me for far longer, but still throwing a party just to find a guy seemed a little…

It’s not like I had a lack of people asking me out. Yeah I’m a bit on the plump side but most guys who hit on me called me delightfully curvy or squeezably sexy. So those extra thirty pounds weren’t hurting my looks any. Although healthwise I suppose I could stand to lose ten to twenty of them. Otherwise I’m pretty average in looks, average height. Thick hair that goes down to mid back, at home I wear it loose. It’s a middling brown color that my bestie insists is auburn. My eyes are hazel, and with a name of Harper Brown it all combines to give me a bit of a girl next door vibe that I suppose might be throwing people off. Because the sex when I finally get them to bed is always so fucking boring, with out even the smallest ounce of anything kinky. And then once I break down and try to introduce my kinks into the mix they’re gone before I can even blink.

I just haven’t been up to the rejection months into a relationship and so hadn’t been accepting date requests. Then my eyes lit upon the unopened package sitting on my coffee table and I smirked as an idea slowly formed in my head. I tore into the unassuming unlabeled packaging so that I could examine my new prize, a thick ten inch long tentacle that was a translucent cobalt with pale green glow in the dark swirls. I ran my fingers over its firm smooth surface, checking for any defects or damage. Once I was satisfied I flipped it over and felt inside it’s soft fleshlight like interior as I imagined someone tying me down and using this toy to pleasure us both. It’d be even better if they themselves had tentacles, but that’s the stuff of fantasy not reality. So I’d have to stick with what's actually possible.

I sighed once again as I set the toy down on my coffee table as if it were a centerpiece. Maybe between the two of us we’d invite a guy who would find the thing intriguing and then I could try to work up the nerve to ask them to stay and try it out with me. A rejection before the first date wouldn’t hurt as bad as a rejection after the first month, right? With that thought in mind I picked up my tablet and started texting and emailing my single friends and coworkers.

And here's my altered twice as long intro:

Setting my new package down on the coffee table I scooped up the ringing phone and glanced at the display with a smile. Bestie was displayed in flashing letters so I knew it could only be one person calling. “Harriet!” I exclaimed delightedly as I plopped down onto my couch and gazed out the window to watch the ocean as we talked.

Harriet had been my best friend since the second grade, and was the only person from my school days that I still kept in touch with. “Harper, girl!” she greeted me with enthusiasm to match my own before going on to ask, “Soooo, do you have any plans for next weekend?”

I started fidgeting with the hair tie I’d taken out when I got home as I thoughtfully answered, “Hmm, lemme think… I think my only plans for the next couple of weekends are vegging out and forgetting the big evil corporation I work for for a few days.”

“Great!” she said excitedly, causing me to let out a small chuckle before I heard her next words, “So can you help me throw a singles party?”

“Pardon?” I asked in flabbergasted confusion. She’d become single again six months ago and about once or twice a month since she’d been dragging me off to bars or nightclubs looking for dates for the two of us. She’d not been single for more than six months since she was fifteen, to be fair she’d also not had a relationship last less than six months either. Whereas I tended to go years between relationships and hadn’t had one last more than four months. But we’ll get back to that later.

“A singles party!” she enthused before explaining, “Ya know a party where we both invite our single friends and coworkers.” Between her job as a nurse and mine as an accountant we would have a decent spread of people, but still…

“Why not just check out a new club?” I asked baffledly.

With a tired sigh she pointed out, “Incase you hadn’t noticed, none of the men our age that go to those places are looking for more than a night or two of fun.”

“Well yeah,” I agreed, “bars and clubs have always had slim pickings.” Harriet had never had a problem changing their minds though, between her luscious curly black hair, and beautiful classic latina looks she seemed to easily turn a couple nights into a couple years. While I had drab brown hair, muddy hazel eyes, and was pasty pale from spending too many hours inside. The only thing that even got me those couple of nights most of the time was my as several exes had put it squeezably sexy curves.

“Slim,” Harriet agreed as she pointed out, “but not nonexistent. Since I’ve started going with you again, those that just wanted a night with us have mostly been younger and none wanted more than a night.” As I was hesitating and trying to come up with some sort of rebuttal she brightly asked again, “So throw a party with me?”

I sighed thinking of all the men, which included all of my ex’s, who had dumped me the second I had tried to introduce the tiniest bit of kink into our relationship and said, “I don’t know, I’m so boring and average that I only seem to attract boring and average… And I think I’d rather just stick with my toys.” I sullenly muttered the last part into the shocked silence I had created.

Harriet scoffed before firmly scolding me, “You’re not boring and average, you’ve got a cute girl next door vibe going on, gorgeous auburn hair down past your shoulder blades.”

“It was only auburn for one summer when we were thirteen.” I quickly interjected.

“Still auburn,” she disagreed before going on with, “Curves that many women would kill for and an amazing sense of humor. You just need to stop letting your mom into your head and have more confidence in yourself.”

She wasn’t entirely wrong with that last point, my mom usually nagged me to lose some weight whenever we talked, which is one of the reasons we didn’t talk very much. And Harriet’s parties were pretty fun, but I’ve never helped host one before and the thought was kinda intimidating.

“But why do you need my help?” I asked in bewilderment.

Then like a shark sensing blood in the water she pounced on the obvious opening, “Because your grandparents left you a nice big place and I’d get in trouble for sneezing too loudly in my tiny rental.” Then at my uncertain silence she said cajolingly, “I’ll bring fancy drinks, including those craft beers you love so much.”

“I don’t know,” I murmured, still not sure of this idea.

To which she offered brightly, “We can work together to make all the party foods beforehand.”

She knew my weaknesses well, I loved to cook with people. Stifling a laugh I shook my head as I said with only a trace of reluctance, “Well if you’re going to twist my arm about it.”

Cheerfully she sang out, “Great! I’ll see you at two next week and we can start the party by six!”

“Alright,” I agreed softly, then we exchanged goodbyes before I hung up with a sigh.

I just didn’t feel up to getting rejected months into a relationship again. Nor was I able to handle the boring assed sex that the men who wanted a long term relationship with me always seemed content with. Honestly I’d also gotten pretty tired of the one night stands where the guy tried to “corrupt” me.

As I was musing over the real reason I was reluctant to be in a singles party my eyes lit upon the unopened package sitting on my coffee table and I smirked as an idea slowly formed in my head. I tore into the unassuming unlabeled packaging so that I could examine my new prize, a thick ten inch long tentacle that was a translucent cobalt with pale green glow in the dark swirls. I ran my fingers over its firm smooth surface, checking for any defects or damage. Once I was satisfied I flipped it over and felt inside it’s soft fleshlight like interior as I imagined someone tying me down and using this toy to pleasure us both. It’d be even better if they themselves had tentacles, but that’s the stuff of fantasy not reality. So I’d have to stick with what's actually possible.

I sighed once again as I set the toy down on my coffee table as if it were a centerpiece. Maybe between the two of us we’d invite a guy who would find the thing intriguing and then I could try to work up the nerve to ask them to stay and try it out with me. A rejection before the first date wouldn’t hurt as bad as a rejection after the first month, right? With that thought in mind I picked up my tablet and started texting and emailing my single friends and coworkers.

Does the new one ramble a bit too much for a 5k word story, or does it flow better? Also does it make them sound older than somewhere in their 30s?

Edit: Why didn't the spoiler tags work?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Okay so here's my original intro:

And here's my altered twice as long intro:

Does the new one ramble a bit too much for a 5k word story, or does it flow better? Also does it make them sound older than somewhere in their 30s?

Edit: Why didn't the spoiler tags work?

Yes, it rambles, with not very subtle back story elements which interrupt the flow. If a story started with this, I for one would be gone. Not much is happening, and it's all introspection. Which is really infodump, said politely.

You've got more than one teenage age words in this sample. You run a strong chance of an auto rejection for breaching the eighteen year content policy line - the site uses a word bot (speculation) on a first pass, and it'll pick up on thirteen, fifteen.

Regarding your age question - how old are they meant to be? If she's in her early thirties, and has had so many relationships, I can't see why she's so insecure. Your narrator comes across more as someone in her very early twenties than a mature young woman just turned thirty.

Also, you've gone against the 'no more than three paragraphs rule' of the Forums. Your two samples are really, too long. The Mod might cut a chunk from both - but to be brutal, you might want to edit either version right back and get on and tell your story.

 

[AlexBailey]

Efficiency is key, especially in your opening.

Cut out everything that doesn’t move the plot or say something about the scene or characters.

Dialogue between friends is usually full of assumptions and can give all kinds of clues to their background.

I’m not saying this is brilliant or complete, just that it’s an example of how you could build more momentum while sharing a lot of the same info with dialogue:



—————-

I’d barely got in the door when my cell phone started ringing. It was my bestie, Harriet, excited about her latest plan. I answered and she started right in.

“So about the party - just hear me out for a second. We both really need this. It’s already been six months for me - and for you it’s been like, what, two years?”

I scoffed. “Wow, miss FOMO. What are you, desperate for another heartbreak?”

I hung my coat in the spacious closet, set my purse on the foyer table and wandered into the huge living room where I collapsed onto the comfy couch, staring out at the wide sandy ocean beach.

“Come on, your grandparents left you that place last summer. It’s time to have that house warming party! You have like fifteen rooms and I bet none of them have even been christened yet… or are you still catching up on that pile of old AARP magazines?”

I laughed. Harriet hadn’t changed since college, but maybe neither had I.

“Just who do you want to invite to this party?” I asked. “Some cute new intern from the hospital? Maybe I could invite someone from my firm and hook up with another divorced accountant.”

“Oh, come on! Don’t sell yourself short. I’ll invite the guests and pick the music. You can borrow an outfit and we’ll make it a night to remember.”

I groaned. “Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.”

——————


It establishes their college past, that Harper is a bit more reserved, their jobs, their respective enthusiasm for romance, how Harriet is trying to make it happen, the house and how Harper got it…



Maybe you could start the whole story with an erotic hook by using her new toy, then getting interrupted by the phone call.