Edited - proofer found

[waking__dream]

Hello! Not having much luck with replies, and my category isn't kinky enough for this crowd, apparently! My previous proofreader/editor MarieWriter isn't an option anymore. I'm an experienced writer so it won't be much work, I don't think. I'll post the first lines below. It's my twist on an overdone fucking-the-bodyguard trope. Again, only 4,000ish words, M/F, no particular kinks except maybe big dick? I just think steamy sex improves every story. I use MS Word. Thanks for reading this far, please email me if you are interested in proofing the rest!
xxoo waking__dream



“Where’s Jack?” Tess looked expectantly past Colin toward the doors leading to the restroom at the rear of the building.

It was a small bar, about the expected level of shabby for Harper’s Town, with only a single unisex toilet for the patrons, not that there were many of those. Colin hoped Tess was the only one who had noticed Jack following him into the back. He hoped the Closed for Maintenance sign would keep people out long enough for them to put distance between him and Jack’s body.

“Jack’s indisposed.”




<<Thanks for reading, even if you don't have time to proof for me.>>

 

[PennyThompson]

I've done a little beta reading before but I'm not particularly skilled at editing and proof reading, I've been told that I have an unhealthy relationship with compound sentences

But I like what you've got here! Kinda noir-ish, with just a tiny hint of sci-fi, at least in this excerpt! I'm getting a little Firefly, a little Aliens, a little Murderbot Diaries

Maybe you play up a little more of the sci-fi mega corporation intrigue stuff elsewhere in the story, I hope you do! I've done a little bit of sci-fi and fantasy erotica, and personally I'm trying not to go too heavy on the world building, but I think hinting at a wider world helps a lot with the genre!

The main question I would wonder so far is, what's happening here that lends itself to a sci-fi setting, rather than a mundane one? You could certainly have a bodyguard who's in love with his client in lots of different settings, so I'd want to know what makes your setting and situation unique?

Pretty good so far though, the writing is tight, you stay in Colin's PoV well, he seems likeable for genetically enhanced muscle

 

[waking__dream]

Thanks for the feedback, Penny! It’s a challenge balancing world building/story/character development. In a story this length, I can’t create too wild a world or describing it would be the bulk of the story. Their situation unfolds as the story progresses, and there are a couple small things I’m still clarifying for myself, like the name of the company they work for. I’m not a huge fan of the info dump, I tend to have the other problem of not explaining enough! I sometimes need help identifying holes I inadvertently create.

 

[PennyThompson]

Thanks for the feedback, Penny! It’s a challenge balancing world building/story/character development. In a story this length, I can’t create too wild a world or describing it would be the bulk of the story. Their situation unfolds as the story progresses, and there are a couple small things I’m still clarifying for myself, like the name of the company they work for. I’m not a huge fan of the info dump, I tend to have the other problem of not explaining enough! I sometimes need help identifying holes I inadvertently create.

I'm with you, in my sci-fi series about a random earth boy getting sucked into an alien sex adventure, I needed to describe non-human aliens and set some constraints and parameters to the world, but I wanted to write fun little short episodes, not a dang wikipedia article

I think there are different ways to do world building, one is a fish-out-of-water like mine, but that wouldn't work for yours. Maybe just matter-of-fact integration of things that would be weird or fantastic in our world, but mundane in theirs?

You hint a little bit at this with stuff about corporate credits and indentured workers, I would think about doing more! Maybe Colin isn't the only one with gene mods, maybe it's commonplace and something characters would notice or comment on in the same way we would with clothing or tattoos?

 

[_Lynn_]

Hello! Not having much luck with replies, and my category isn't kinky enough for this crowd, apparently! My previous proofreader/editor MarieWriter isn't an option anymore. I'm an experienced writer so it won't be much work, I don't think. I'll post a sample below, which isn't the sexy part, but you'll have an idea of my writing style and where the story is going - sort of. It's my twist on an overdone fucking-the-bodyguard trope. Again, only 4,000ish words, M/F, no particular kinks except maybe big dick? I just think steamy sex improves every story. I use MS Word. Thanks for reading this far, please email me if you are interested in proofing the rest!
xxoo waking__dream


DELETED by mod



<<Thanks for reading, even if you don't have time to proof for me.>>

Site guidelines allow you to post up to three paragraphs of your story on the forum. Please remove the rest or I will.

 

[waking__dream]

Sorry, Lynn.

 

[waking__dream]

I'm with you, in my sci-fi series about a random earth boy getting sucked into an alien sex adventure, I needed to describe non-human aliens and set some constraints and parameters to the world, but I wanted to write fun little short episodes, not a dang wikipedia article

I think there are different ways to do world building, one is a fish-out-of-water like mine, but that wouldn't work for yours. Maybe just matter-of-fact integration of things that would be weird or fantastic in our world, but mundane in theirs?

You hint a little bit at this with stuff about corporate credits and indentured workers, I would think about doing more! Maybe Colin isn't the only one with gene mods, maybe it's commonplace and something characters would notice or comment on in the same way we would with clothing or tattoos?

Yes, agreed, the story has important world-building details sprinkled through!

 

[_Lynn_]

Sorry, Lynn.

No problem.