Fake Doms.. how to spot them and how to avoid them.

[Betticus]

Since it came up in another topic.. Fake doms..

Best probably from the perspective of subs but since this is a real issue let us open it up for discussion..

How do you spot fake doms? What are the signs? How do you keep yourself safe?

Just my thoughts but I'm sure lots of people can expand on this subject.

Also.. the damage they leave behind.

Go for it..

 

[cascadiabound]

fake Doms -

or wanna be have a fun time with any random sub Doms -

*insist you use some title when you address them immediately even though there is no relationship established.

*ask for things from you and are unwilling to reciprocate similar level of information/ intimacy etc.

*tell you in one way or another that they do not have to respect your limits OR start playing with you OR expect to play with you (sexting or otherwise) without finding out what your likes/ interests/ limits might be

*tell you they want to "train" you

*are only interested in the sex/ control part of the play and not interested in the boring ordinary parts of your life.


oh my... I could go on... fuck

 

[Farawyn]

^Yes.


Fake doms don't care about building a trusting relationship with the sub.

 

[MeekMe]

Wanting to train, guide, teach or build up a submissive partner to make them "better." It's an unpopular view, but this mentality reeks of predatory behavior to me, "fake" or not.

 

[HisArpy]

A line from a story I'm writing (sorry for the gender specifics - it's the characters in the story):

"I am the foundation that supports the framework. She tells me what she wants me to do. She sets the limits, not me."



Fake Doms are all about "me" instead of it being about "you" right from the get go. A true dominant listens to what you need and want. Then helps you make it happen.

 

[Farawyn]

How to avoid them?

Trust your gut.
Develop friendships with people that you can talk to about this part of your life and listen to them as well.
Don't rush into it.

 

[Farawyn]

If his name contains "Lord"...
Avoid.

 

[Miles Long]

Fake Doms will fuck you over in multiple ways. Here are some things to look out for:

1. Fake Doms will be poor at negotiating scenes. For example, a Fake Dom might assume because you're a masochist who wants to be spanked that you also want to suffer by listening to Nickelback. Those things are not equivalent! No one should ever spring a major surprise that could reasonably be assumed to be traumatic - like scat, blood, or Nickelback - on a partner without discussing prior to a scene.

2. Fake Doms will not respect boundaries. For example, after establishing that you do not, in fact, ever want to listen to Nickelback they will still try to push the envelope by playing "Photograph" while you're tied up. Justifications like "hey, it had broad crossover appeal" or "at least I didn't play 'How You Remind Me' " are not valid excuses for disrespecting your clearly established boundaries. No means no, especially when it comes to Nickelback. There's no such thing as "kinda pregnant" and there's sure as hell no such thing as "a little bit of Nickelback is all right."

3. Fake Doms will try to gaslight you. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which an abusive partner targets words and actions towards their SO in order to get them to question their own interpretation of reality. For example, a Fake Dom will tell you he only got those Nickelback concert tickets because you made him think you wanted them. He was just trying to do something nice for you and you're sounding really ungrateful. Now you're looking back wondering what you said or did to give him that impression, plus you're beating yourself up for making him feel bad. That's a double whammy! Now he has the upper hand on you and controls your emotional well-being. Worst of all, now you have to go to a fucking Nickelback concert.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope readers will find it helpful.

 

[Farawyn]

Excuse me, Miles...?
Does this apply to other groups, or soley Nickelback?
'Cause my PMs are blowing up with Daughtry and Justin Bieber fans.

Can I assume these are real Doms, since they have yet to mention Nickleback?

 

[Miles Long]

Excuse me, Miles...?
Does this apply to other groups, or soley Nickelback?
'Cause my PMs are blowing up with Daughtry and Justin Bieber fans.

Can I assume these are real Doms, since they have yet to mention Nickleback?

Yeah that's fine. Do everything they tell you to, and, most importantly, enjoy that Bieber concert!

 

[Farawyn]

Yeah that's fine. Do everything they tell you to, and, most importantly, enjoy that Bieber concert!

*tinkles with mirth*

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Fake Doms will fuck you over in multiple ways. Here are some things to look out for:

*blah, blah, Nickelback...*

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope readers will find it helpful.

That was the most hilarious post I've ever read...and I actually like Nickelback!

 

[Betticus]

Fake Doms will fuck you over in multiple ways. Here are some things to look out for:

That was pure gold and right on the spot.. Fake doms try to torture with Nickelback and Bieber... don't forget Taylor Swift as well...

That is just ear rape.

I'm still laughing... that was good...

 

[Betticus]

I'm gonna hire Miles to write my next resume!

 

[Betticus]

Best approach I ever had from a sub was at a show in Denver. Was just chilling and enjoying the music and a really nice lady came up between bands and just super casually said hi and chatted a bit.. just kind of nice and friendly.. Then a few minutes later this damn viking from hell like 6ft6 or so but super nice and well spoken, comes up and chats.. so by now I'm kind of like.. wow these ppl are really friendly..

A little while later I was worked up and tore into a really rude girl who was headbanging and whipping everyone around her with her damn hair... kind of bit into her and told her to stop and respect the people around her and to stop her bs...

I was still a bit off and upset over that when a really shy and sweet lady joins me and just puts her hand over mine.. just a very light touch but the effect was stunning...

It kind of just drained all of my angst and anger and stress.. she touched me and all of a sudden I was a different person. I was amazingly calm and warm just from her holding my hand..

Well.. turns out she was a slave type personality who was released and looking for a new master and for some reason saw something in me that felt right.. The other ppl chatting with me were actually her friends and were testing me to see if I was a jerk or fake.. Once I figured it out. it was pretty subtle since I did not know what was going on.. we all kind of just laughed about it. It was really nice but I had to be open with her and her friends.. I was moving for a job within two weeks and she was in her home so it was a pleasant experience and a nice chat and fun.. I told her right away that I was moving so was a bit down but said hey.. you are really nice and I like your friends.. we have tonight so why don't we just enjoy the evening.

We really had a great time at the show and parted ways after.

 

[Betticus]

I guess I should add that at the time I was completely inexperienced with bdsm and really did not even know what it was. It was the girl who opened me up and explained that she knew I was a dominant personality type. I was like a lil virgin with bdsm..

After I moved I found this forum at lit and joined... never fronted that I knew something or was something but just learning.. I was just honest and at first the subs were so amazing since I was just honest. The talked with me on and offline about everything. They schooled me in just about everything.. then when I got to know myself better some of the doms and Dommes came out and kept me from getting too much ego or overstepping.. kind of showed me how to control myself. Etoile especially.

Graceanne also such a fountain of experience and knowledge. I got to know the local community but didn't get involved so much but ... it's nice to go to a munch and to not have to constantly worry about saying the wrong thing.

I did really get into the psychology of bdsm and studied it a lot.. A LOT..

In the end all of it kind of centered me and in time I felt finally comfortable in my own body without worrying about silly stuff. I went from the newbie side where I was trying to impress people to where I am now which is just comfy in my own skin and have nothing to prove to anyone so really laid back and calm.

So a long time ago I dropped the "dom" thing and relaxed and now I am just me and life is okay.

Just by being open and honest the people here and in the local community took me in and guided me and laughed at me when I messed up but just damn amazing people.

I doubt that a fake dom would ever do any of that. I don't even claim to be a top or anything any more.. just me. No labels or titles.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

*tinkles with mirth*

"tinkles"?
I had no idea you were a Golden Girl...

 

[MeekMe]

...don't forget the 20 year old "Masters."

I disagree with age being a factor in whether someone is "real" or not. I've seen plenty of older people give themselves a label like master with no experience. I've also seen young people with a ton of experience.


Another: older people that insist on "teaching" the young, nubile women because older equals more experienced. Sure it does, Skippy.

How to avoid: stop advertising yourself as a broken, hot-mess with low self esteem. That's like dumping chum in your pants and jumping into shark infested waters.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

...don't forget the 20 year old "Masters."

I wouldn't presume that a 20 year old could not be a dominant. He/she may be less experienced, but age does not necessarily indicate ability.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I wouldn't presume that a 20 year old could not be a dominant. He/she may be less experienced, but age does not necessarily indicate ability.

I'm going to have to slightly disagree with the 20 yr old Dom thing...yes, he could be a Dom, and probably has the ability to 'rock your world' when it comes to the sexual part. But there are definitely some things that can only be learned through age, not just experience, but age - personal growth. Especially when it comes to all the complexities of women and sexuality. For some, a 20 yr old Dom might fit what there looking for, but IMO they haven't 'lived' enough to fully satisfy mature (not older) needs.

It is also true that a 40 yr old Dom could be a newbie...or a poser.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm not even 40 and I've had a hell of a lot of lived experiences. Sometimes I run across numpties that are 38 and still aren't mature enough to take care of sea monkeys. Ever see a 50 year old guy that still doesn't know how menstration works? I've seen a ton of those fuckers. These are also the same guys that tell women they're "missing out" because they had the audacity to put an age limit out there. I'll take the knowledgeable 20 year old over the clueless 40-something any day. Age really doesn't have that much to do with how much introspection or knowledge one gains.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I'm going to have to slightly disagree with the 20 yr old Dom thing...yes, he could be a Dom, and probably has the ability to 'rock your world' when it comes to the sexual part. But there are definitely some things that can only be learned through age, not just experience, but age - personal growth. Especially when it comes to all the complexities of women and sexuality. For some, a 20 yr old Dom might fit what there looking for, but IMO they haven't 'lived' enough to fully satisfy mature (not older) needs.

It is also true that a 40 yr old Dom could be a newbie...or a poser.

The fact that a 20 year old dom may not be what a subset of subs are looking for does not make him/her a fake dom, though. That was my point.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

If a dominant PMs you and expects you to obey their commands even though you have no relationship and you haven't consented to this exchange of power, the person is not someone with whom you want a BDSM relationship. Doms don't just have inherent power over all submissives; that's not a thing.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

Trust your gut.
Develop friendships with people that you can talk to about this part of your life and listen to them as well.
Don't rush into it.

^ Came in here to say this and, imo, it's the most important advice across the board.

Don't place yourself in a potentially damaging situation just because you lack experience or are naive to certain things. If someone sounds like they're full of shit or just regurgitating things they've read somewhere to you, they most likely are. There's no reason to trust anyone with yourself until they earn it, and that should take time.

The number one thing I've noticed with fake Doms, is that they have no problem telling someone they just met what they are. Then, preceding to tell you that you aren't a " pyl " if you don't fit into their own little preconceived ideals. Hence, you're either a liar, or " wrong " and shouldn't act like you are something you're not. Anybody that tries to do this is not a Dom, hell they're not much of a person either, they're an asshole I wouldn't even put in charge of a pet rock with googley eyes, let alone another person's fucking anything.

Another huge red flag is the withholding of affection. See it all the time. There's discipline, punishment, and then there's being a mean spirited piece of shit. If you have a hard limit and he/she starts giving you the silent treatment or telling you they don't love you/that you disappoint them, and they are completely unwilling to talk until they have their way? Get the fuck out of there. That's not dominance, that's emotional abuse and is indicative of them being something you want nothing to do with.

As for age being a factor, I think that has far more to do with personal preference than anything else. It's a bit close minded to just assume someone younger won't measure up to someone older, one could make the argument that, since an older person is more set in their ways, they are far less flexible and unwilling to learn things they don't already subscribe to. Particularly when they have a strong personality. Hence, the overwhelming number of long time " vanilla " relationships that seem to be leaving one person out in the cold due to the other not wanting to experiment, the former worrying about the latter judging them harshly/changing towards them in light of needs, the round peg in a square hole situation that tends to breed resentment, etc. etc.

Also,

...and I actually like Nickelback!

https://youtu.be/tAXJjOZyhuQ

 

[Farawyn]

Fake Doms tell you you're a sub.

On the age thing. I agree with Meek.