Feed back on a table turning tentacle story.

[NuclearFairy]

I wrote and submitted it a bit ago but The Parasite is a story I thought up after reading a couple of good tentacle stories, and as I was falling asleep I had a what if thought. What would happen if the unwilling victim somehow turned the tables on the tentacle monster? How would they do that? what if they weren't even aware that they had done that?

So thing's I'm most curious to get feedback on;
1. Should I have warned people at the start of the story that this was a turn the tables story?
2. Was my foreshadowing okay? Was having a voice talking without any quotation marks and no one responding to it too confusing?
3. Were the plot twists well executed?
4. Was I descriptive enough?
5. Should I have let the monster finish cumming?
6. Was the ending at all amusing?
7. Do you think the people who enjoyed this story might be interested in a sequel where the human girl has an actual romance with a different tentacle monster? Or would I be appealing to an entirely different audience?

Other feedback is welcome.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

The twist worked pretty well. I think you rushed through some of the stuff. The actual tentacle sex, for one, feels like it could have been scarier, more exciting, more emotional, more sensory.

Is your symbiont based on the Hunter from Needle, by Hal Clement?

-Annie

 

[PennyThompson]

I'm starting to experiment with a non-human alien story, so I'm pretty primed for this kind of content right now!

1. Should I have warned people at the start of the story that this was a turn the tables story?

Generally I'm not a fan of Non-con tentacle stuff, so if I hadn't read this post saying that there was a switcharoo, I likely wouldn't have read it. I wonder if just something in the story description would do the trick? Like, "Tentacle plans to impregnate a human explorer, gets more than it bargained for" ? For someone like me who is curious about non-human stories but doesn't love non-con, it might generate enough curiosity to start reading!

2. Was my foreshadowing okay? Was having a voice talking without any quotation marks and no one responding to it too confusing?

The internal dialog was a bit disorienting, at first. It was clear that something was happening there, but I didn't really understand it until halfway through the story. I'm still only 90% sure I get it, she's got some sort of symbiote living inside of her, right? It's wasn't entirely clear what the symbiote can and can't do.

Inara can see in low light, I assume that's because of the parasite? What if she had a few other just-slightly-superhuman abilities to reinforce the foreshadowing? Like she was just a bit stronger, just a little more flexible, could hold her breath a little longer than most people?

3. Were the plot twists well executed?

I think it worked fairly well, it was fun to see her instantly turn from victim to feral tentacle-eater. The transition paragraph was a little awkward. I might rearrange it just slightly, something like:

The monster held still in confusion for a moment before flooding her gullet and bowels with its pacifying chemicals. Once her struggles weakened it resumed joyfully thrusting all three penile tentacles into her increasingly limp form.

She passed out.

I woke up.

I bit into the thing in our mouth, injecting a paralytic venom into the limb that had been violating us. It jerked in painful surprise, its whisper graced with a touch of panic as it breathed out, "Parasite." It pulled back its tentacles and scrambled away from us. Its motions were already clumsy and slowed as my venom steadily took effect. I dropped to the floor with catlike grace, landing lightly on our feet.

I'm also a bit of an HTML goblin, so my instinct would be to try some text formatting tricks to differentiate the symbiote-POV from Inara-POV. Either switching to italics for the symbiote passage, or using blockquote code to indent it, or maybe even using right-align, though that might be too distracting?

4. Was I descriptive enough?

Mostly yes, but one very specific thing that bothered me... I don't know what color the tentacle monster was! What color was its skin? What color was the slime? I want visuals, I want color contrast between Inara's bare skin and the creature, I want to feel the texture of it, maybe even the smell!

You did add some sensory descriptions when Symbiote-Inara started eating the tentacle, that was fun, I wanted more

Conversely though, I think I would have liked a more natural description of Inara. I don't need the omnicient narrator to tell me her shoe size, I'd much rather figure some of that out more naturally.

She's short and plump? Say that she easily ducks through the low opening of the cave, but has to squeeze her curvy hips and round bottom around a tight corner! She has freckles? Tell us about it when her clothes get ripped to shreds

5. Should I have let the monster finish cumming?

I'm not the world's biggest tentacle fan, but I'm assuming excessive tentacle cum is a big part of the appeal

6. Was the ending at all amusing?

It was pretty good, my impression is that Inara is kind of an airhead, which is endearing! I think there's potential for a really fun dynamic between ditzy Inara and stoic Symbiote who has to keep her safe, but is limited in what it can do.

7. Do you think the people who enjoyed this story might be interested in a sequel where the human girl has an actual romance with a different tentacle monster? Or would I be appealing to an entirely different audience?

Personally I'm open and curious about a more consensual tentacle story... a consentacle story if you will

I think that might be crossing the streams a little bit though, maybe that's a different series? I want to know more about Inara and her Symbiote, where did it come from? What can it do? What does it want? Does Inara find out about it? Do they learn to communicate? What's that dynamic like? Transactional? Friends? Little Sister/Big Brother? Romantic? I'd like to lean more about that before Inara jumps into bed with a different creature, I think!

 

[NuclearFairy]

The twist worked pretty well. I think you rushed through some of the stuff. The actual tentacle sex, for one, feels like it could have been scarier, more exciting, more emotional, more sensory.

Is your symbiont based on the Hunter from Needle, by Hal Clement?

-Annie

I'll keep that in mind.

I've never heard of that. The symbiote in this is based off of a few different ones I made up as a teenager, I can't remember what the original inspiration was for sure, but I think it might've been venom from the 90s area Spiderman cartoons.

Generally I'm not a fan of Non-con tentacle stuff, so if I hadn't read this post saying that there was a switcharoo, I likely wouldn't have read it. I wonder if just something in the story description would do the trick? Like, "Tentacle plans to impregnate a human explorer, gets more than it bargained for" ? For someone like me who is curious about non-human stories but doesn't love non-con, it might generate enough curiosity to start reading!

I tried to do something like that, but every permutation I tried didn't fit within the character limit.

The internal dialog was a bit disorienting, at first. It was clear that something was happening there, but I didn't really understand it until halfway through the story. I'm still only 90% sure I get it, she's got some sort of symbiote living inside of her, right? It's wasn't entirely clear what the symbiote can and can't do.

Inara can see in low light, I assume that's because of the parasite? What if she had a few other just-slightly-superhuman abilities to reinforce the foreshadowing? Like she was just a bit stronger, just a little more flexible, could hold her breath a little longer than most people?

Inara can technically see in no light, has enhanced endurance, strength and flexibility but the senses are the only thing the symbiote can permanently enhance.

I think it worked fairly well, it was fun to see her instantly turn from victim to feral tentacle-eater. The transition paragraph was a little awkward. I might rearrange it just slightly, something like:

Oh that does look suitably dramatic, I'll have to try and remember that trick.

I'm also a bit of an HTML goblin, so my instinct would be to try some text formatting tricks to differentiate the symbiote-POV from Inara-POV. Either switching to italics for the symbiote passage, or using blockquote code to indent it, or maybe even using right-align, though that might be too distracting?

Technically, the whole story was told in the symbiote's POV, it was always a first person story. It's just the symbiote couldn't directly effect anything while Inara was conscious. That was one of the plot twists I was wondering if I did well.

Mostly yes, but one very specific thing that bothered me... I don't know what color the tentacle monster was What color was its skin? What color was the slime? I want visuals, I want color contrast between Inara's bare skin and the creature, I want to feel the texture of it, maybe even the smell!

You did add some sensory descriptions when Symbiote-Inara started eating the tentacle, that was fun, I wanted more

I'm gonna be honest, I forgot to imagine it. I'll have to figure that out before I write about any other tentacle monsters.

Conversely though, I think I would have liked a more natural description of Inara. I don't need the omnicient narrator to tell me her shoe size, I'd much rather figure some of that out more naturally.

She's short and plump? Say that she easily ducks through the low opening of the cave, but has to squeeze her curvy hips around a tight corner. She has freckles? Tell us about it when her clothes get ripped to shreds

Ah, that was supposed to be a foreshadowing that someone in the story was actually narrating, but it's a common enough way to describe people that I can see why that didn't work.

I'm not the world's biggest tentacle fan, but I'm assuming excessive tentacle cum is a big part of the appeal

That and or impregnating the naive virgin.

It was pretty good, my impression is that Inara is kind of an airhead, which is endearing! I think there's potential for a really fun dynamic between ditzy Inara and stoic Symbiote who has to keep her safe, but is limited in what it can do.

Yes but she's such an air head that how will she ever figure out what's going on? Maybe she could try writing her notes when she's asleep. Ah but then she might assume that it's her great aunt's ghost.

Personally I'm open and curious about a more consensual tentacle story... a consentacle story if you will

I think that might be crossing the streams a little bit though, maybe that's a different series? I want to know more about Inara and her Symbiote, where did it come from? What can it do? What does it want? Does Inara find out about it? Do they learn to communicate? What's that dynamic like? Transactional? Friends? Little Sister/Big Brother? Romantic? I'd like to lean more about that before Inara jumps into bed with a different creature, I think!

Well my idea for the sequel does have them crossing the streams so to speak, and answering most if not all of those questions. Because Inara's best guess as to what's going on is, "I'm a werewolf." So I need an outside person to prod her into the truth.

 

[PennyThompson]

Technically, the whole story was told in the symbiote's POV, it was always a first person story. It's just the symbiote couldn't directly effect anything while Inara was conscious. That was one of the plot twists I was wondering if I did well.

Ah, that was supposed to be a foreshadowing that someone in the story was actually narrating, but it's a common enough way to describe people that I can see why that didn't work.

Ahh okay, I don't think I was able to pick up on that. That's a tough line to walk, given that you don't really reveal the Symbiote's existence until halfway through. I think in future chapters that will be easier, you can stay in the Symbiote's POV more clearly from the start. I wonder if there are more ways you can do that?

My Inara.

Our body.

She smelled burning plastic. I could tell that there were organic compounds in the air, not of this world.

I can't remember, is it made clear how much of Inara's thought process the Symbiote can sense?
Does it have complete access to her thoughts and memories, or is there a veil between them at a certain point? It can feel all of her senses, but it can't access the black box of her mind except for when she's unconscious?

I think there's a ton of interesting potential there. Does Inara's behavior ever surprise the Symbiote, she reacts to something in a way it doesn't understand? That could be a cool opportunity for both conflict and characterization.

Yes but she's such an air head that how will she ever figure out what's going on? Maybe she could try writing her notes when she's asleep. Ah but then she might assume that it's her great aunt's ghost.

Well my idea for the sequel does have them crossing the streams so to speak, and answering most if not all of those questions. Because Inara's best guess as to what's going on is, "I'm a werewolf." So I need an outside person to prod her into the truth.

I'm definitely intrigued, I think you've got the potential for a really interesting, fun, possibly sexy character dynamic here! I could see it going either direction, a purely platonic relationship, or a sexual one. I wonder what the symbiote feels when she gets aroused, or when she masturbates...

 

[NuclearFairy]

I think in future chapters that will be easier, you can stay in the Symbiote's POV more clearly from the start. I wonder if there are more ways you can do that?

Yeah I'll probably do that.

I can't remember, is it made clear how much of Inara's thought process the Symbiote can sense?
Does it have complete access to her thoughts and memories, or is there a veil between them at a certain point? It can feel all of her senses, but it can't access the black box of her mind except for when she's unconscious?

I'm not sure if I made it clear I did try to imply though from the fact that we can't actually see Inara's thoughts.

They can sense when the other has very strong emotions. That is why the symbiote assumes that Inara suddenly started fighting again, because of its rage at what was being done to its host bleeding through. But beyond that they can't sense anything from each other and unless the host knows that there is some entity inside them they can't directly communicate. As with the mention of Inara's great aunt. Her great aunt knew that she had a symbiote and so was able to communicate with it freely.

I think there's a ton of interesting potential there. Does Inara's behavior ever surprise the Symbiote, she reacts to something in a way it doesn't understand? That could be a cool opportunity for both conflict and characterization.

Yes, Inara is constantly surprising and bemusing the symbiote. Even though it has tried to convince itself that it should be used to this new host by now, it's not and is still expecting the same reactions to things that an old lady would have.

I'm definitely intrigued, I think you've got the potential for a really interesting, fun, possibly sexy character dynamic here! I could see it going either direction, a purely platonic relationship, or a sexual one. I wonder what the symbiote feels when she gets aroused, or when she masturbates...

I'm still letting the story ferment in my mind, but I think it'll be a good one when it's ready too.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I tried to do something like that, but every permutation I tried didn't fit within the character limit.

There's no meaningful character limit in stories. People have literally published novel-length stories, six figures of words. There's a character limit on forum posts, though.

-Annie

 

[NuclearFairy]

There's no meaningful character limit in stories. People have literally published novel-length stories, six figures of words. There's a character limit on forum posts, though.

-Annie

I'm talking about the character limit on the description. It's so short that it's hard to come up with a good line that'll pull people in and properly describe the story.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I'm talking about the character limit on the description. It's so short that it's hard to come up with a good line that'll pull people in and properly describe the story.

Oohhhh. Sorry.

-Annie

 

[NuclearFairy]

Oohhhh. Sorry.

-Annie

I could've been more clear, so no biggie.