Help Men and Women Better Connect in Adult Chat Rooms

[guysachin2]

I've sent you a PM

Please send me as well

 

[ericalauren]

I’m nonbinary, and not a man or a woman, but I’ll respond here, anyway. I don’t use chat rooms often now. Unfortunately, I’ve had bad experiences in chat rooms starting back when home internet first came about in 1998. I remember my friend Caitlin telling me not to go into the Beanie Baby chat rooms. I thought, “why not? I love Beanie Babies”. Within a few minutes of being in AOL’s Beanie Baby chat room, I was contacted by two pedophiles. I wish I were joking. I was 11 years old at the time. Flash forward to now (I’m 37 years old now, fwiw). I visit the Literotica chat rooms maybe 4-5 times a year. A lot of folks (especially allocishet men) assume I’m a woman. When I tell them that I’m nonbinary, they ask me if I have a penis or a vulva. That’s inappropriate. The only people who need to know what type of genitals I have are medical personnel and IRL sexual partners (although, spoiler alert: I’m never having sex so this does not apply to me). There are a lot of allocishet men who are extremely aggressive in chatrooms, too. I’ve had people demand to know my real name, email address, etc in the first few minutes of chatting. A lot of them get pissed and even hostile when I refuse to tell them. Lastly, as a reminder, consent can be revoked at any time. If someone is chatting with you, even having cyber sex, they can stop at any time. Do not harass them for exiting the chat at any point. I cannot tell you how many people (mostly men) become livid at me for revoking consent during chats of a sexual nature.

 

[lucy_sometimes]

You can block people in milliseconds.

 

[subdudeme13]

You can block people in milliseconds.

Maybe being 11 is a factor.

 

[ericalauren]

Maybe being 11 is a factor.

Are you referring to my post about the experiences I had with CSA?

 

[subdudeme13]

Are you referring to my post about the experiences I had with CSA?

I thought your replied to

ericalauren​

 

[SPARTAN047]

I like most fetish conversations, but it's easy to leave whenever you want.

 

[SPARTAN047]

Ah, that explains why some dating events are a taco fest. I've heard these complaints from almost all women where I work, they have dating events set up in groups where men and women meet up and no guys turn up at some of them.

There are the paid ones or group dinners where hopefuls turn up, but of course most people don't find what they want.

 

[The_Id]

Hi people,

I am continuing to find slightly better results (more women and more shared engagement with them) in the "hybrid" sites that combine some sort of roleplaying aspect with a chat aspect, and it has brought me back to enjoying a certain form of roleplay. I still have not tried pay-sites, so I am wondering if the ratio of women-to-men is even better on there (feel free to respond in this thread if you have experience), or if enjoyable connections happen at a higher rate on those sites. I am likely going to decrease my frequency of posts in this thread for now, barring some new epiphany or change that I come across related to online sexual play. I hope others have found some posts in here helpful, and are also experiencing improved results if that was their goal. Please don't consider this thread (or my participation) dead, as I will be catching up on posts every month or so even if I don't post. I appreciate all of you for contributing, and have anticipated that this would be more of a long-term discussion than a quick-fix from the initial post.

I'm noticing that we're starting to veer towards discussing real-life encounters, which I expected at some point. I'll personally be using this thread to discuss online sexual play between men and women, but I don't want to limit the idea flow, especially if the path can be brought back full-circle to the original goals of this thread. I don't have a ton of questions about real-life encounters (although I love to discuss those, too), because most real-world venues have very different ratios of women-to-men than the current online chat environments, and the dynamic is just different between men and women on certain levels when they are in-person (we've already mentioned some of these differences). I "studied" pick-up/social dynamics from my college years on, and feel like I can make sense of human psychology in the real world better than average. Results in that arena were always pretty steady once I got my footing, but my original questions in this thread still remain for the online world. It still seems to me that the ratios in online chat realms changed very quickly, and the results (enjoyable sexual play between men and women) went downhill for the vast majority of people with whom I've conversed. I feel like there are still unmentioned factors that led to this change or are keeping it from rebounding, as the weaker online behaviors of both men and women have not changed dramatically, in my opinion, in the past 2 decades.

I also am speaking more for the people that make an effort to connect sexually online with some semblance of social skills and prioritizing of the enjoyment of their partner, rather than those who rely on the "want to cyber?" line right off the bat. The solutions for the latter are obvious, and likely unnecessary for anyone investing in this thread. I don't pretend to understand modern technology, so the rapid improvements in that area (and new online options) could very well be a big part of the change in results. But, if that's the case, I'd still like to know where all the ladies went online for adult fun. Has virtual reality taken off? (half-joking) I don't feel like women pulled away completely from the internet and are spending their time in real-time venues more than they were in the late 90's/early 2000's...but that would be a great, simple answer to all this if it were true.

So...one of my main goals still remains to improve the online sexual relations between men and women. This would look like men and women engaging in online sexual play/exploration more often, and both parties reporting that they enjoyed their time spent together on these sites. I maintain my premise that this used to happen more in the early years of the internet. I think one of the biggest challenges (mentioned before) is that men do seem to be more visually-oriented (ie, often preferring porn and cam to written stories and words on a screen), but this has not changed in 15-20 years. I also know that I can still enjoy a good voice-chat or text-based roleplay/tease-session if my partner is truly engaged and creative. Additionally, I know women who can handle a few pics/gifs/videos (and yes, even cam) being exchanged throughout a conversation, especially when it adds to the flow of the interaction. These mutually-satisfying experiences are just much harder to find now....maybe an instance of the same-sized fish swimming in a bigger pond in 2024, but I sense that this is not the entirety of the story.

Obviously it is unhealthy to spend the majority of your life at a computer screen, but it can also be fun, exploratory, and in some ways safer to let the creative juices flow in a more anonymous platform once in a while. So please consider this thread a small subset of all the psychology/philosophy/etc of male-female dynamics out there, rather than an attempted solution to all real-world relationships or a replacement for general self-improvement or pursuit of an appropriate romantic partner. Believe me, I had my hesitations about starting this because I was one of those people who fell into the "self-help"/naturalistic/real-world-first approaches back in the day, and I still have strong leanings in some of those directions. But, it's hard to deny that the internet seems to be here to stay, and I'm OK with using it as a supplement to the real world as long as I don't end up as one of those pedestrians who walks into oncoming traffic while buried on my cell phone. Having a little self-discipline helps maintain some sanity while experimenting with the modern world...

I will certainly continue to respond to posts in this thread that catch my eye, and will contribute ideas for online improvement as I come across them. Thanks again for the interest, and keep exploring!

 

[GregThickDix]

I've been to many different online adult places over the years, and in my experience, the men always outnumber the women significantly. This has a number of consequences:
1) Men get too little attention, leading some of them to try too hard and be too extreme in their approaches
2) Women get too much attention (often not in a positive way), leading some to become overly cautious, picky or just rude

I don't think much can be done to change this dynamic - it's outside of our control, and Literotica is already one of the best places I've been in terms of the ratio of women to men.

What could help, is for people to be better at stating their expectations. We are here for many different reasons, and the real challenge is finding the few good connections that share those. For example, I have no easy way of finding people who are interested in chatting about sexual content but who are not looking for sexting. And you have no easy way of finding women who are interested in voice/cam. I guess the solution could be drop-down options in our profiles that would allow us to search for the people who share our reasons for coming here. Just updating the profile text helps, but doesn't really solve the problem of finding the interesting connections in the first place. Alternatively, I guess the Personal Ads section is the way to go

Great observation and excellent advice to those who wish to have meaningful chats. I do have a few sites I specifically chat on. I also do have cam2cam sites that are pretty exciting as well. There is a format for all, just have to know which works best. Cheers.

 

[Noor]

I have tried a couple times to read the original poster’s posts, but it makes the Iliad look inviting.
I’m not saying this to be mean, but good lord man, learn to edit and be succinct.
Women don’t really have a problem connecting in chats except in finding decent men to connect with.
Women aren’t all that interested in cams because they aren’t as visual as men. Most don’t get off on men getting off on seeing them. Women are ogled by men from fairly earlier on and many are completely burnt out with men being into their bodies which are merely accidents of birth anyway.
I usually like cyber and voice, I rarely if ever do cam and only with people I know and trust, and I’m doing it for them not me because it’s distracting to me. In person would be different.
Women don’t often go into chats to look because it’s like a meat market and we have so many other places to meet men for whatever if we want.

 

[Noor]

I’m nonbinary, and not a man or a woman, but I’ll respond here, anyway. I don’t use chat rooms often now. Unfortunately, I’ve had bad experiences in chat rooms starting back when home internet first came about in 1998. I remember my friend Caitlin telling me not to go into the Beanie Baby chat rooms. I thought, “why not? I love Beanie Babies”. Within a few minutes of being in AOL’s Beanie Baby chat room, I was contacted by two pedophiles. I wish I were joking. I was 11 years old at the time. Flash forward to now (I’m 37 years old now, fwiw). I visit the Literotica chat rooms maybe 4-5 times a year. A lot of folks (especially allocishet men) assume I’m a woman. When I tell them that I’m nonbinary, they ask me if I have a penis or a vulva. That’s inappropriate. The only people who need to know what type of genitals I have are medical personnel and IRL sexual partners (although, spoiler alert: I’m never having sex so this does not apply to me). There are a lot of allocishet men who are extremely aggressive in chatrooms, too. I’ve had people demand to know my real name, email address, etc in the first few minutes of chatting. A lot of them get pissed and even hostile when I refuse to tell them. Lastly, as a reminder, consent can be revoked at any time. If someone is chatting with you, even having cyber sex, they can stop at any time. Do not harass them for exiting the chat at any point. I cannot tell you how many people (mostly men) become livid at me for revoking consent during chats of a sexual nature.

True, chat room seem to draw some of the worst. I’ve even had problems playing online backgammon. It’s been if I use a male name.

 

[Noor]

I doubt the ratio between men and women is better on pay sites since women don’t really need to pay for online sex.
The same with adult dating site. Ashley Madison claimed to have a 70/30 split, in analyst of hacked data, they had 11 million men to 12,000 women. There is some suggestion that most of those 12000 were fake and real female users were closer to 1500.

 

[write_or_wrong]

I have tried a couple times to read the original poster’s posts, but it makes the Iliad look inviting.
I’m not saying this to be mean, but good lord man, learn to edit and be succinct.
Women don’t really have a problem connecting in chats except in finding decent men to connect with.
Women aren’t all that interested in cams because they aren’t as visual as men. Most don’t get off on men getting off on seeing them. Women are ogled by men from fairly earlier on and many are completely burnt out with men being into their bodies which are merely accidents of birth anyway.
I usually like cyber and voice, I rarely if ever do cam and only with people I know and trust, and I’m doing it for them not me because it’s distracting to me. In person would be different.
Women don’t often go into chats to look because it’s like a meat market and we have so many other places to meet men for whatever if we want.

I think your point is validated by the number of women who love going to gay and lesbian bars because they don't get hit on every 3 minutes.

 

[Hipshot1554]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

Very interesting,,,

 

[TheEternalBeachBum]

In my experience, what is often wanted by women is a setting that encourages/allows for flirting in a non-intense way. I'll try to explain..

In real life, you will usually meet new people in a public setting with others around and while doing some kind of activity. Maybe you're in a bar, grocery shopping or taking a class together. When someone strikes up a conversation with you there, it's usually without an expectation of much. But in some cases it can let you spot a spark, and you might end up exchanging contact information or deciding to meet again. Sometimes it takes multiple small encounters to get to that.

In contrast, when we go to places like Lit, chat rooms or sex game sites there is very little room for those non-intensive encounters. Many guys (and some women) are looking for a fast hook-up. And even the ones who aren't will almost always be considering the possibility of some kind of sexual encounter. It can feel a bit like a meat market at times.

Some of the games I've played offer a setting where you can hang out in public places and chat with many people in a group. Kind of like an open chat room, but with a smaller group of people and with some kind of setting that provides context to conversations. Even if it's just being able to have your avatar dance or watch others, it provides fodder for those non-intensive conversations that can lead to flirting and eventually more.

These group settings tend to be very popular with women, but much less with men. I've asked some guys why that is, and the answer has almost always been that it's kind of intimidating to try and flirt with people while others are around.

I think this difference between 1-to-1 chats and less intense chats could be one of the keys to better interactions

Perhaps the best commentary in this thread. Well said!

1- because it’s from a woman’s perspective and I pretty much already have a handle on mens’ views (er… issues)
2-it’s actionable. Something we all can take to heart and use as a guide.

Although now I think I have a crush on Lonemilf.

 

[LoneMilf]

Perhaps the best commentary in this thread. Well said!

Although now I think I have a crush on Lonemilf.

Haha - I'm flattered

 

[Deepdesrp]

Just flicking through Lit and came across this subject.
I have had some great chats across platforms and luckily had the experience of keeping longer term chats with some women. Unfortunately the most successful platform I found was NewTumblr which was shut down.
I have had some chats on the chat room here but few and far between.
It doesn't seem quite so easy to strike a longer chat on this platform.

Mood is a thing. If I am super horny I'm more impatient with the chat - otherwise I'm quite chilled and like a build up of convo - which could lead to sexting and a sharing of some very naughty thoughts.

I think the main issue is the ratio of women to men. Just generalising but any women showing an interest will get bombarded with male seakers. On the other side men can't just be available and wait for a chat. You will not get one.

In the Lit chat the main thing is to chat - join in a theme or for fun start one off.

I've tried kicking some theme's subjects off - worked sometimes - dive bombed on others. I'm just getting used to it doesn't matter if the chat room falls dead silent - log off come back later. I'm in reality shy so can be a bit more extrovert here.

Enough of the waffle - just my thoughts.