I know I will regret this..................

[@}-}rebecca----]

Very nice thoughts. Lots of things in here mirror what has happened in my marriage. Fortunately, we have been able to talk enough to stay together.

Thank you for your comments Raven, they are appreciated. Its interesting how the commonality of just communicating with people/PYL's is often the means of success. So simple and yet sometimes so difficult. I personally think the strength of open communication in D/s relationships delivers much of the 'freedom' in submission.

Wishing you well Raven

@}-}rebecca-----

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Four

THOUGHTS
(from MAsT Forum)

Probably one of the most misunderstood concepts of the leather/SM lifestyle is that of the Master/slave relationship. When i first started seriously investigating the lifestyle, and even up until the time that i started discussing it with my Master, i was under the impression that in a true Master/slave relationship there was no room for any type of emotional connection.


The Master had complete control over the body, mind and soul of the slave. The slave was a non-thinking being who was of little or no value, good only for the pleasure of the Master. i saw it as the ultimate in submission, the highest level that a submissive in the lifestyle could achieve and i felt disappointed that because of my background before entering the lifestyle that i would never be able to experience what it meant to be a true submissive.

i liked the idea of being kept naked in the Master's house, cut off from the rest of the world, taking care of the cleaning and cooking and always being ready to be used in whatever way my Master wanted. But there was no way i could cut myself off from my family, especially my kids, and i had worked too hard to establish my career and had too much of a desire to make a difference in the leather community to allow myself to be a mindless robot. So, at best, the most i could hope for would be to someday enter into a Daddy/boy relationship since in those relationships the boy was still allowed some freedoms and the emotional bond between the Daddy and boy was allowed to exist.

But what most people seem to forget is that during the early history of the lifestyle there was no Daddy/boy relationship. The term Daddy came about much later as a way of softening the Master/slave concept and make the lifestyle more appealing to the masses. In the early days the term Master/slave was defined basically as we know it now but with one major difference. There was allowed, and in the vast majority of cases there did evolve or exist from the beginning of the relationship, a very strong emotional bond between the Master and the slave.

The relationship was built not only on total submission and total dominance but also on trust, honesty and affection. The range of affection could be anything from just a mutual respect for each other as human beings, which would be found in most cases where the slave was brought in as a houseboy or in a purely training relationship, to the Master and slave being lovers in every sense of the way that we think of lovers today. The type of relationship as well as the various clauses of the contract were a diverse as the people who were in the lifestyle at the time.

If you look at the history of slavery throughout time, from the first time a group of humans conquered and enslaved another group of humans, through Greek and Roman slavery and even slavery as it existed in the pre civil war days of our own United States, you will find that the same diversity in the way Masters treated slaves existed.

Everyone is aware that during the slavery days in the South there were Masters who treated their slaves like animals, barley giving them the basic needs for survival, forcing them to work beyond their physical limits and beating them whenever they didn't measure up to what the Master wanted. Likewise, there were Masters who treated their slaves fairly, who made sure they were well taken care of to the extent that they almost became members of the family.

So why can't the same be true for our lifesyle? The answer is it can and it is. It's just not well publicized, After all, our lifestyle has always been and probably always will be cloaked in mystery. It's fun to play off the evil image created in the fantasy magazines, and the popular image of the Master/slave helps preserve that mystery and evil image. But those in the lifestyle need to keep separate the real from the fantasy especially when teaching newcomers or talking about it with someone who is exploring and is truly interested in knowing what this lifestyle is really about.

So just what is the difference between a Daddy/boy and Master/slave relationship? Am i trying to say that there is no need for Daddy/boy? Should we try to eliminate the fantasy image of Master/slave from the lifestyle? No, the concept of Daddy/boy has become very much a part of our lifestyle and does help present an image that there can be love in a relationship even though one likes to get beat and the other likes giving the beatings. And to do away with the fantasy involved in the lifestyle would take away a large part of what this lifestyle is all about.

As for what is the difference between the term Daddy/boy and Master/slave, in my opinion, it's mainly semantics since both relationships are built on the same foundations of love, honor and trust. The choice of which label to use is a personal one between the parties involved.

For me personally, the term slave carries with it a certain mind set that implies total submission. It is my way of saying that with all my heart, with all my soul and with every fiber of my being, i pledge myself for life to my Master. It is my way of showing how much i love Him, the depth of my commitment to him and to our life together. i have only to offer Him everything that i am or ever will be. Pledging myself to Him to the point that He owns me is the greatest gift i can give and the best way to show just how complete my love and commitment to Him is.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Five

The Three R's of BDSM

Granted, "making intelligent decisions" is probably not the first thing that comes to mind when someone asks for a list of what the Government does on a day-to-day basis. Still, i'd really like to know what idiotic reasoning was used in deciding to make a holiday to mark the end of the summer season, and then do it under the guise of setting a day to honor the American worker? It's bad enough that it won't be long before the weather turns crappy, the trees lose their leaves making them all look dead, and most outdoor activities become a test of our endurance to the cold. Is an end of summer "holiday" any way to honor the workforce? Sure doesn't sound like a day to celebrate to me!

As a child, i didn't particularly like Labor Day either. It was just a reminder that school was about to start back up. It's not as bad for kids now that schools have begun reopening in August instead of September. It still marks the end of summer, but they have already been back in school for a couple weeks, so now it's the first day off from another year of "Three R's"; Reading, ''Riting & 'Rithmatic.

Judging from what i see lately, a good number of the boys, as well as the boi boys, and girls, in our community, could stand a review of the Three R's as well. The Three R's of submission that is! A lot of Dominants could stand a brush-up as well.

What are the Three R's?

Responsibility, Responsibility, Responsibility

Okay, so i made that up. Actually it should be the "Four R's" to include Respect as well.

But for now I'm going to talk about responsibility. It seems that the concept that a person is responsible for his/her own actions has all but vanished. Accepting the responsibility for ensuring that commitments made are actually honored has been changing to accepting responsibility--if and when it is not inconvenient to do so.

For example, as a member of any type group--be it a single family unit, or an international community--there is an inherent responsibility not to act in such a way as to disrupt or dishonor that group or its members. Not only has that responsibility been forgotten, it appears that it has been replaced with a responsibility to purposely try to tear things apart. We're seeing more and more of that within our Community lately.

It would be easy just to ignore the problem, to write it off by saying that our Community is simply reflecting what is happening in society in general. Maybe we should be grateful that, for once, we have a problem that is not ours alone. Another easy out is to feel that any attempt to correct the situation would be futile. After all, despite many efforts, society has been unable to slow down, much less stop or reverse the trend of personal irresponsibility, right?

But, as with so many other aspects of everyday life--such as trust, honor and respect--personal responsibility and being accountable for your own actions (or lack thereof), takes on a heightened importance in the context of the BDSM culture. The concepts has even greater significance in the context of submission.

Consider how important it is for a submissive to be able to completely and unquestionably trust a Dominant. One must trust that they possess the necessary technical skills and also the personal attributes which show them to be a person of honor who inspires respect. This high degree of trust is essential for a submissive to give himself to the Dominant freely and willingly. Very few situations in everyday life require that level of trust.

Certainly, one of the fundamental elements of such a trust is knowing that the Dominant fully accepts his or her responsibility to develop basic skills before using any implement in a play scene. Dominants much accept their responsibility in ensuring that the scene does not result in the submissive being pushed to a limit beyond their actual capabilities; that they do not inflict serious injury or abuse, mentally or physically.

Likewise, one of the fundamental elements considered by a Dominant in accepting an offer of submission is whether the submissive accepts his or her responsibility to be honest when describing their experience level, personal limits, "hot-buttons" and any other factors that could even remotely affect the scene.

It is the responsibility of submissives to let the Dominant know if they are beginning to feel uneasy about a given situation or feel that they may be getting pushed too far, too fast. It is their responsibility to express those feelings to the Dominant BEFORE the they are pushed to a level beyond their capacity to deal. Once that happens it may be too late to go back and fix it; the damage may already have been done.

It is also their responsibility to inform the Dominant of any areas of play which they definitely do not wish to explore for whatever reason-- whether it's because of an association with a traumatic event earlier in life, a type of play they are not familiar with or don't understand well enough to try yet, or simply because they tried it in the past and just didn't like it.

Here are four crucial questions to think about:

1. How are Dominants to know they have crossed a line the submissive did not want--or wasn't prepared--to cross if the submissive did not tell them such a line exists?





2. Is the Dominant or the submissive to blame if such a line is crossed and the submissive somehow harmed?





3. Who is at fault if a submissive has been subjected to a level of pain they are incapable of tolerating, perhaps to a level where the high from play is replaced with the horror of torture when they didn't ask for a time-out or give any other indication that all was not well until they were already freaking out?





4. Should Dominants feel responsibile if the play goes bad and the submissive claims harm, even though the Doms did their best to behave honorably: for example, pausing several times to check on the submissive's mental state and ability to continue, and getting repeated assurances from the submissive that he or she desired to continue?





A Dominant who fully understands and accepts the responsibility of protecting the submissive--and takes it seriously--is probably going to feel some degree of responsibility if the submissive experiences even the least bit of displeasure, no matter the circumstances, and no matter how careful they tried to be to make sure it didn't happen.

But, in my opinion, unless a Dominant deliberately ignores signs of trouble, or by action or deed prevents the submissive from signaling a problem, it is unfair to assign blame to the Dominant. When a problem arises because the submissive failed to be honest about his or her limits or pretended that things were fine when they weren't, the blame for any harm done lies solely with the submissive. By choosing to say nothing, failing to be fully honest, purposely omitting or giving misleading information, the submissive passively instigates his or her own abuse and must accept the brunt of the responsibility for the harmful results.

As far as i am concerned, this hold true in any situation involving a Dominant/submissive interaction-- what that's a single play session, a training or mentoring relationship, or a committed relationship. The Scene has long since progressed beyond the dangerous and misguided notion that submissives have no right to voice concerns or request limits. We are not mindless toys, with such low self-esteem that we feel all we are good for is to be used for whatever by whomever. Any dominant (little d on purpose) or submissive, who actually stills believes those things needs to stop and take the time to learn what this is really about before somebody gets seriously hurt.

What can the Community as a whole do? For one thing, we can stop jumping to the conclusion that the Dominant is always wrong and the submissive always right when a submissive claims to have been either misused or abused. We can stop listening to those who jump in and out of relationships, going from Dominant to Dominant, each time blaming the breakup on the Dominant's inability to understand or treat them properly. We can stop listening to the vicious lies and rumors such submissives often spread in order to cover up their own inadequacy and their failure to provide the level of service and commitment they had promised. I think we need to check out both sides of every story before labeling someone as unsafe or abusive. The abuse may have actually been engineered by the submissive!

The submissives of the community can help by trying to educate those in our ranks, and especially those entering the lifestyle, that we do have a responsibility to take care of ourselves. We also have a responsibility to take care of each other and to help people out of truly abusive situations, stressing that abuse is not something they deserve and that they do not exist for the sole purpose of receiving "punishment". We need to point out the difference between fact and fantasy when we see obvious misinformation being spread in chat rooms and egroups.

Most of all, submissives must realize that knowledgeable, trustworthy Dominants are NOT going to think less of you for being honest with them about your limitations. In fact, they will think more highly of you, especially if you fully explain the reasons behind the limits and keep an open mind to the possibility that some day, under the right circumstances, you might be willing to try and overcome them. Nobody wants a toy that is already broken or in constant need of repair. (And, by the way, it is your responsibility to make sure that you aren't one of the broken ones!)
I guess this mean we have a lot of work to do. Which brings me back to the Labor Day theme. I forgot to mention that the main reason i don't like Labor Day is that from now until Memorial Day wearing white is totally unfashionable. According to the protocols that Sir follows, boys are only permitted to wear white T-shirts, no colors, especially not black which is what Dominants wear: just white. So from now until Memorial Day, i have to keep an eye out for the fashion police.

Oh well! Another responsibility!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Six

To Sir or Not To Sir
(that is the question)


As submissives, we are expected to be courteous and respectful when in the presence of a dominant. This is considered the basic, proper submissive behavior no matter what protocol you follow. It's even considered basic, at least during play sessions, by those who do not follow any other rules or protocols of SM.

Generally, always addressing every dominant as Sir or Ma'am, is considered a basic part of being courteous and respectful. But is it really? Some doms, especially those who are not educated in any particular protocol style (the polite and courteous way of saying they haven't taken the time to learn), or who don t even know that other protocols exist (the courteous and polite way of saying dom wannabe's), will tell you they expect to be addressed that way all the time. They expect, and sometimes demand, every submissive to address them as such from the very onset of being introduced. Doesn't matter if they deserve it or not. Doesn't matter that they have no idea what it stands for: they still expect it.

Deserve it? Isn't a dominant supposed to actually have to earn the right to be treated respectfully? Actually, yes. Even in the supposedly stoic, protocol-laden Old Guard," a submissive was not expected to automatically refer to every dominant as Sir. Only those who had proven themselves to the Community as a whole, over time, to be honorable, trustworthy, skilled practitioners of the SM arts, were awarded the honor.

Not that it is particularly wrong to always use the terms. For some of us, it is just a natural extension of what is considered to be good manners in any situation, lifestyle-related or not. Consistent use of the terms, especially in public settings, along with proper appearance and general attitude, can be a useful tool for an unattached sub trying to catch the eye of a skilled dom.

However, there are certain precautions you need to keep in mind. As we are all too well aware, in public forums, especially leather bars, the numbers of those who know nothing about our lifestyle except what they have seen or read in some porno flick or erotic story, far outweighs those of us who have chosen this as part of our lives. Referring to one of these dress-ups as Sir/Ma am, feeds into their fantasy image. Sometimes, they can respond in a way that makes them appear to be that ideal Leather Master/Mistress of our own fantasies. They appear to be-- that is, until a situation finally comes along and we find out it was all just a game. Hopefully that happens before they get you into some dangerous situation, or worse, cause physical injury. Luckily, most of us catch on long before this happens.

But what about a new sub who isn't quite so street-wise? What if they are aware of you, know that you are an actual participant in the lifestyle, and even though you are completely unaware of their existence, are watching you in hopes of learning how to be a proper submissive? What if they hear you refer to someone you don't know as "Sir" or "Ma'am"--someone you can't say for sure knows anything at all about being a leather top, much less being a dominant?

What if they then assume--from your use of those terms -- that this person is trustworthy? How will you feel if you find out that a new sub went with that person--based on the assumption that they must be okay since you called them Sir/Ma'am -- and then wound up getting seriously injured?

Worse yet, what if you know that person is unsafe but still call them Sir/Ma'am? By your doing so you give them credibility as dominants and put a lot of others at risk of being injured by them.

Be careful. You never know who is watching you. You never know who is looking to you to help them learn how a submissive is expected to behave by a real dominant. And most of all, you never know who is watching you and relying on how you interact with a dominant to determine if they should trust them or not.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Seven

Submissives Need to Take A Stand on Abuse

It used to be that leather/SM communities were small, underground groups made up of several households. New members entered as submissives in order to learn what submission was about, meanwhile training to learn the skills needed to be a Dom. Each community monitored and policed itself. Anyone not following the rules of behavior was quickly expelled. Long before the outcry for "safe, sane, consensual," a Dominant who became known as abusive, either mentally or physically, would soon find himself without any submissives willing to go with him. Same for a submissive. Once it was determined that submissives didn't have what it takes, they too would find themselves on the outside looking in.

Today, most communities consist of a large number of players, sometimes covering a large geographical location. There is very little, if any, internal structure or established rules of behavior. There are no recognized elders or leaders who can call a member to task. Training is left up to the individual and no one is there to monitor that training.
The result is that we now have a large number of communities, composed mainly of members who have no clue as to what the lifestyle involves or is about. They often consist of "Dominants" who equate SM with a freedom to abuse, and "submissives" who think submission means being the bottom in a play scene, with no idea of what service means. Worst of all, we now face an ever-increasing incidence of physical and mental abuse within our communities.

Ask skilled submissives, from any community, what their biggest problem is, and most of the time they will respond, "finding a good top". Not only is it hard to find one who is skilled in more than one play area: it is even harder to find one who shows respect for the gift of submission, much less how to give the proper aftercare to the sub once a scene is ended. These are two areas where the lack of training and monitoring has really had a major impact.

The time has come for submissives to take a stand.

As long as we continue to submit to substandard tops--even if it's only for a single play session--we are guilty of allowing those tops to remain as they are: dangerous. If we refuse to submit, even for a single play session, until they learn the proper respect and aftercare, they will be forced to either learn or leave. For what good is it to be a top if there is no one to top?

Now don't go thinking i'm proposing some great submissive uprising. i'm not. All i'm saying is that until we, as submissives, stand up for our historical right of non-abusive behavior, we cannot complain when we are abused.

If we don't stand up and say, "No, i'm not going to let you flog me until you learn not to hit the kidneys!" chances are the top will never know that what he's doing could permanently damage someone, at least not until it happens. And, by then, it's too late.

The drawback to this is that in order for us to know what being a safe, respectful, caring top requires, we ourselves have to learn about it. Beyond just knowing what constitutes safe play, we, as submissives, have to be fully aware of what it is we need and what we are looking for. It means that we must first know, and more importantly, be comfortable with, who we are.

If you are looking at this lifestyle (and especially at being a submissive) because you want a fantasy life where someone takes care of you, or if you're looking for someone to solve your psychological problems--well, forget it. You have no business being here! Come back when you've grown up.

Sounds harsh? Maybe so, but that's the reality. This lifestyle, and particularly submission, are not mere fantasies. The Lifestyle is not about the story of "O" or about a jack-off fantasy from Drummer magazine. Mr. Benson really doesn't exist.

In reality the Lifestyle is hard work which requires complete and unselfish dedication. You can't offer such a commitment if you're not comfortable with who you are or don't know how you want to be treated. After all, how can you expect a top to respect your right not to be abused if you don't respect it yourself?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Eight

OSHA and SM?

The other morning, i was doing my normal routine of coffee and the paper, still not quite fully functional (had only gotten through the first half of the pot), when a couple of words from one of the inside page headlines made me do a double take. Wait a minute that didn't really say....? Oh wow, it does!

There, in large bold print, was the headline "Report assesses modern slavery".

My first reaction was disappointment in not being among the slaves that had apparently been questioned about the conditions of their existence. It might have been fun to get interviewed by some government bureaucrat in his standard conservative blue suit. Imagine the fun if he also happened to be a conservative person belonging to some right wing Christian group. Could have been a good time feeding him all the stereotypical bull associated with life as a slave.

i can hear the conversation now:

Oh yes sir, i am just a sex slave, here for sole purpose of being used by my Master at His whim for whatever He desires. Where does He keep me? Master keeps me locked up, naked, in a dog cage down in His basement feeding me His table scraps if there are any. When He wants to, He will grab me by my balls, pull me out of the cage and either take me into His dungeon, where He puts me through all kinds physical tortures for His amusement, or throw me into the sling using my mouth and ass for His sexual pleasure. When He's finally finished with me, He'll clean me off with a golden shower and throw me back in my cage. What's a golden shower? Oh, that's what it's called when someone washes you off by pissing on you.

Hey wait! Come back! Don't run off yet! i didn't get to tell you about how He sometimes rents me out for sex down at the truck stop or.....

Bet i made his day. Wait till he gets home and tells the wife about this one!

i can just imagine what idiotic regulations or controls whichever mindless, government agency conducting this assessment might come up with. Real scary! Imagine what might happen if OSHA was directed to come up with some workplace, or in this case dungeonplace, safety standards for the use of slaves, that all Masters would be held liable for?

I regret to inform you ... is that Master or Mister? Master? Okay then, i regret to inform you Master Jones that your slave is only rated for a twenty pound flogger and I see here that your using a twenty five. I'm afraid were going to have to fine you for that. If that's not been corrected by the next time one of our inspectors drops by, we might not only fine you, but possibly suspend your Master's license for up to six months as well.

I also found that the lighting in your dungeon is not bright enough to allow your slave the required visibility level during play. And, although I cannot prove you have used it, the blindfold hanging in your equipment cabinet, is clearly a violation. Your slave must be permitted proper sight capability of what you are doing to him at all times.

But Mr. Inspector, my slave enjoys it more when he's blindfolded.

Too bad! The regulations clearly state the level of lighting and amount of visibility that must be maintained in any dungeon space. We don't care what he enjoys. It is our job to ensure that these regulations are meet. Now, I also noticed the presence of a great deal of candles. Far more than regulations allow.

But they help create the mode we like when we are playing.

Don't care about that either. The regulations clearly state, only two, six-inch pillar candles are permitted within any ten-foot area of the dungeon. You clearly have more than five or six times that amount. They must be removed immediately. I will only give you a warning for that this time instead of a fine. But if we find it again...

Yeah, I know, you can suspend my Master's license you ignorant son of a......

Careful Master Jones. The use of curse words or derogatory language of any kind, directed at an OSHA inspector, is punishable by a five thousand dollar fine and a minimum of twenty-five whacks with a wooden paddle. Administered of course, within the OSHA guidelines for paddle width and weight, whack force, and whack interval frequency.

Along with the infractions that I have already pointed out to you Master Jones, I found quite a long list of other minor infractions that we expect you to correct before we come back for a follow-up inspection. However, since these regulations are fairly new, as we have only been regulating and inspecting dungeons since the government report assessing modern slavery was released, about three months ago, I am only going to issue you the one fine for the overweight flogger this time. Just make sure you get all of these other matters taken care of or you may find your....

Yeah, yeah, I know. I may find my Master's license, which you so kindly brought the application forms for me today, suspended for a minimum of six months.

That would be six months for each infraction Master Jones.

Say what? This is getting ridiculous!!

Now, now, Master Jones. You know, it is the government's obligation to its citizens, to ensure that they have safe and sanitary working, or in this case servicing, conditions. And even though you have many years experience in what it is you do here, and feel that, depending on the interpretation, our restrictions could possibly limit you and your slave from playing as hard in some of the SM arenas as you currently do, or possibly like to do at some point in the future, we feel it is essential, that the maximum allowable limits that we establish, be such, that they would protect someone who is brand new to this type of activity from being injured. We take that responsibility very seriously.

Too seriously if you ask me.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it doesn't really matter what you think now does it, Master Jones?

Good day Master Jones, and oh, by the way, here is your free set of the five books containing all two hundred and fifty five thousand enforceable regulations, as well as the set of five books, containing the close to one hundred and seventy five guidelines, which we feel are necessary to ensure everyone's safety. They will probably become regulations over the next couple years.

I'm sure that you will find these books very helpful as you totally redesign your dungeon space in order to comply with all of our standards. As I said, this set is free. Future editions for any revisions of the existing regulations or additions of new ones, we expect will probably run about $1000 per set. That's just to cover the cost of printing.

Maybe if you cut out a few thousand of these stupid regulations, they wouldn't be so damned thick and cost so much to print.

Very amusing Master Jones. By the way, please inform your slave that he was personally responsible for the breakdown suffered by our interviewer, Mr. Williams, who talked with him as part of the assessment of the slavery issue a few months back. Seems the poor man was so traumatized by what your slave told him in regards to his living conditions, that he was babbling incoherently about having been to the devil's breading grounds, or something like that, and had to be given an extended medical leave of absence.

I'll be sure to reward the boy, I mean punish the boy, for that. Good-bye, inspector.

As my mind wandered back into reality and i actually read the article, i was relieved that it had nothing to do with us at all. It was actually about a CIA report on the estimated 50,000 immigrant women and children, who are brought into the United States each year from Asia, Latin America and Eastern Europe, for the purpose of forced work as prostitutes, servants, or laborers in abusive, sweatshop style businesses. A deplorable situation that defies control, due to the extensive difficulties law enforcement agencies face when investigating and prosecuting such cases.

It is an extremely sad situation that such practices still exists and that there seems to be no real solution or available means to prevent it. It's even sadder to realize that there are people out there with such little regard for the lives of others. Everyday, we read or hear about brutal murders, rapes and any number of other types of violent actions, randomly directed at whoever happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, that day.

Sitting at home, feeling safe and secure, protected by the walls of the rooms and the locks on the doors, it's easy to ignore the realities of the outside world. We can't control the extent of the dangers hidden within society in general. But we can control those within our lifestyle communities.

Be careful in selecting whom you play with and where you play. When arranging to meet a play partner of the first time, make the meeting place somewhere public. Get to know them before going somewhere private to play. Let someone else know where you are going, the name of the person you are with, and arrange to call them periodically during the time your going to be with this person, to let them know you are alright

Be smart. Play safe.

Note from @}-}rebecca----

I'll come back to some of the comments made by bob Harris in particular the following :

"As my mind wandered back into reality and i actually read the article, i was relieved that it had nothing to do with us at all. It was actually about a CIA report on the estimated 50,000 immigrant women and children, who are brought into the United States each year from Asia, Latin America and Eastern Europe, for the purpose of forced work as prostitutes, servants, or laborers in abusive, sweatshop style businesses. A deplorable situation that defies control, due to the extensive difficulties law enforcement agencies face when investigating and prosecuting such cases."

At a later date there is I think a very interesting debate I would personaly like to explore and suspect the BB would make an interesting a diverse population to examine it with. Though while these essays are being posted seems an inappropriate and disrespectful time to for now.

 

[~Blacklace~]

Its Blacklace Hijack your heart out. No 'flight regulations' on this Thread land the Concorde on its roof I'll applaud. I am happy you brought your comments over , thank you in fact.

You seem to have accepted your full potential....smiles. I don't want to stigmatize/stereotype, I have at times usually via ignorence or insecurity, I am human. My goal however is to understand, most of all from people that are sincere. There are some aspects of BDSM kink/fetish that I find disturbing or have an aversion to but providing they fall into lets say SSC for this purpose (ie not abusive, don't harm children , animals etc etc) then they simply become hard limits for me full stop. Being submissive is not a 'choice', how I express that is.

One question though have you noticed any influx in the numbers of switchs or do you think its much the same.

If you have any further comments to add Blacklace please feel free to do so.

kind regards

@}-}rebecca----

I agree, sometimes I may not 'get' a kink or a fetish, but I figure, just cause your kink isnt my kink doesnt make it 'wrong' you know, who am I to judge? (Except of course the cursory baby, animal disclaimer)
I cant say for all areas obviously, but I have noticed that switch has become the unfortunate catch all label for trolls and fakes just looking to get laid. It makes me angry and sad, because it brings another bad light to our corner.

And I'll just add your essays are quite interesting, although an eyefull lol, I might be here all night now But very informative stuff, thank you

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Nine

A Fragile Balance
Too Much Of A Good Thing

Do you remember when you first started looking for the lifestyle? What was it that first piqued your interest in BDSM? What were you looking for or expecting to find? What did you think living the lifestyle would be like? What features did your image of the "perfect" Dominant include? How many of those initial drives and images centered solely around the idea of hot, wild, kinky sex? How often did you fantasize about getting abducted, stripped, blindfolded, strapped in a sling and left there to be used for whatever by whomever? How often do you still have that fantasy? i know i still do. Often.

Let's face it. Most of us are first drawn to the Scene by our sexual fantasies. Chances are your first introduction to BDSM was a fantasy story, book, or scene in a porno flick. You probably found yourself getting really turned on as you envisioned yourself as the one being restrained, out of control, and turned into a sex toy. Your excitement grew as the typical dialogue about subs being worthless and just being big sex pigs began. It continued to increase as the dialogue was punctuated with an occasional "suck this!" or "take that, you asshole" and peaked as the references were made about turning someone into a slave, locked up, naked, and constantly ready for "use."

Most likely, those initial images and turn-ons included little, if any, pain--perhaps some light nipple play, C.B.T. or a few slaps on the ass. Getting smacked with a flogger, cane or single-tail is usually not something we start out dreaming about. Neither is anything about wanting or having the desire and need to serve – other than sexually, of course, which, since you really ARE a big pig, is not exactly a sacrifice.

Unfortunately, when your first exposure to the world of BDSM comes in the form of a one-handed reading story, an erotic novel or a movie, you get a distorted image of what this lifestyle – and especially relationships within the lifestyle – are about. Real life in the BD/SM world is nothing like a story from Drummer magazine and it does not follow the plot of Story of O, either. Very few Masters could ever live up to the ideal of Mr. Benson, and there is a lot more involved in being successful than just putting on leather and having sex.

And then there is the Internet. Talk about presenting a twisted image! It's unbelievable what comes out of some chat rooms and email list groups. How many times have you heard someone talk about being in a chat room full of clueless wannabe's? Pretending to be lifestyle experts. they spread all kinds of erroneous information, much of which could be dangerous if actually followed. If you want to find some really bizarre fantasies and misconceptions, spend a little time checking out some the listings for Scene-related e-mail list groups. i find amazing the number of people willing to believe that even the most horrifying images are true and who are actually out looking for it.

Intrigued by its name, I decided to temporarily monitor a listgroup devoted to the discussion of extreme slave torture. Much of it was downright scary. There were "slaves" advertising their desire to serve a "master" who treated them brutally. There were "masters" trolling for "slaves" who would accept that they were worthless and would serve anyone in any way, even accepting mutilation if the "master" so desired. The "slaves" often discussed their desire to be kept permanently locked away in a cage; their only purpose in life would be to be available so the "master" could inflict extreme and brutal "punishment" whenever he felt the need to tear into (or tear up - literally) some worthless creature.

Apparently, much of what transpired on that particular list was an extreme form of role-play. At least i hope so. How else can you explain someone writing about being kept in a small room, with no electricity or furniture, barely big enough to turn around in?

One person claimed to be the slave of a husband and wife doctor team whose goal was to disfigure every portion of this person's body. Fortunately, it didn't take long--even for those who adamantly insisted that their desires for brutalization were totally valid--to question the reality of this particular account. The question that brought them up short was: if this slave really did live in such conditions, and had indeed had several fingers either surgically altered or removed as claimed, how then was he able to gain access to a computer, much less the Internet, and send a perfectly typed e-mail to the list?

Nobody had questioned the sanity of this person. When he claimed to be thankful for the privilege of being subjected to such conditions, no one raised an eyebrow. In fact, there were some who praised the correspondent as the ultimate slave, even expressing jealousy that someone was lucky enough to be the source of so much pleasure for the owners. No, the only thing they found unrealistic was that a mutilated slave would have access to, and be physically able to use, a computer.

That was just too much for me! i stopped reading after that.

Then there's the story a friend related about wandering into a chat room where four female cyber-subs were discussing the thrill of being cyber-single-tailed? Each one expounded on their ability to absorb a heavy cyber-blow. Each were convinced they knew exactly what it would be like to feel the real thing. After a few minutes of cyber-eavesdropping, my friend broke in and asked if any of them had in fact, actually ever seen, much less felt, a real single-tail. All four admitted that they had not, but were still convinced that they had a total awareness of the actual feel. Sure they do.

Imagine their surprise if they should ever walk into a real-world dungeon and present themselves as experienced in various forms of play, including singletails!? They would find someone who took them at their word and, at some point during real-play, would actually use a single-tail on them. Wonder if they would still believe they have an accurate grasp of the real-sting of a real single-tail?

Granted, these last two instances are a bit extreme; still, i find them fascinating. They are completely at odds with what most of us, i hope, would agree to be reality, yet they are at once both humorous in their excesses and tragically sad in perpetuating foolish myths about our lifestyle. It's no wonder then that much subtler misconceptions about our lifestyle continue to persist and in many cases shape our communities.

i often wonder how many inexperienced submissives have been injured because they were unaware of the hidden dangers inherent in many of the forms of SM play? How many ran from the Scene after hooking up with a "dominant" whose only "training" was reading fantasy stories and decided that tying up and beating someone could be a real turn-on? How many submissives have become trapped in abusive relationships because both they and their dominant actually believe the "submissive is shit" concept? Considering how many newcomers continue to fall into those traps, it is very fortunate that there are not a lot more cases of serious injuries or abuse.

It is equally frustrating for a knowledgeable sub to find nothing but Dom-wannabe's out there – the kind who either have no clue that being a Dom requires more than being a sexual top dressed in leather, or who believe that being a Dom means they have a license to abuse.

When you see how often lifestyle relationships are portrayed as void of any caring or emotional bond, it's easy to understand how many in our communities do not understand that D/s relationships, including Master/slave relationships, are based as much on love as they are on any other characteristic associated with such arrangements?

On the Dom side, there are other frustrations. Encountering an endless stream of subs who think they are supposed to act like children, who constantly have to be told what to do and how to do it and who provide service only if it means getting sex in return has driven many good Dominants out of the lifestyle. They grew tired of looking for submissives whose need to serve was at least as strong as the desire to be "done." They became disillusioned with submissives who entered the lifestyle as a means of escape from the pressures of life, believing that it was a Dominant's responsibility to totally provide everything for the sub. They are fed-up with subs who, when the Dom starts to "cruelly demand" that they contribute to the household or care for themselves, go off crying about being abused.

Fantasy, when used consciously as fantasy, can greatly increase the enjoyment on both sides of the Dom/sub fence. When fantasy is used as a model for real life, though, it can only be destructive. The sub faces inevitable disappointment, which may cause them to give up entirely or to feel that they must "settle" for whatever is available. They will never be truly happy- something will always be missing for them- unless they finally realize that what they are looking for simply does not exist.

We can only hope that the cyber-dom wannabe's quickly find a clue as to what "safe, sane, consensual" stands for, and that they take the time to learn what the lifestyle is about before they seriously hurt someone.

Otherwise we can only hope that they are unable to find real life people as willfully ignorant as they are, and will return to the cyber-world, harming only their computer keyboard, while cyber-beating their cyber-subs in the cyber-fantasy-scene where they cyber-belong.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Ten

If I was only permitted the luxury of posting only one essay/story by boy bob Harris it would be the one below. It still brings tears to my eyes each time I read it and reminds me how for some what solemn expression of ourselves we are gifted to embrace each our own personal truths within this thing called D/s and BDSM.

I have experienced the most heart wrenching pain in my journey. I am not alluding to play. I have known the euphoria of genuine D/s relationships and been gifted with several unique Dominants influencing my education, my care, my strength, my trust , my respect and dare I say it my love.

No its not a fairytale. D/s relationships have no magic sheild to protect them from any other of the external pressures any sincere and dedicated relationships face. We are human , I have no regrets and within the context of a journey , evolution 'my' Dominants have not failed me nor I them . That doesn't mean we didn't make mistakes.....smiles.......I can be a genius in that department , with patience I have been guided to learn from them. Is the 'One' out there ? Lets leave that with fairy tales shall we ? Each Dominant I have served was the 'One' , is the 'One' will always be the 'One' in their own expression, their own uniqueness and their passion they shared with me.

I really hope you enjoy this next part by bob Harris.........

See r for rebecca and r for rant.....winks.



A boy

A boy died tonight. You won't find anything about it in the local papers. You won't hear anybody talking about it around town. You probably won't even notice anyone missing. But he died just the same.

Sitting at a dark corner of the bar, the boy looks at the reflection staring back at him from the mirrored wall. He looks tired, drawn, defeated. His eyes, that once caught everyone's attention because of how they sparkled with laughter and just a hint of mischief, now were puffy, barely half-open, devoid of spark.

The collar and lock that seemed permanently attached was missing. Once it had been of symbol of who he was. A source of pride and identity, marking him as the property of his Master, a role he cherished. Now he hardly seemed to miss it. The boy in him had died.

Looking at his reflection, he wondered just what had happened? How did that part of him which he had worked so hard to develop just suddenly fade away?
He had come to be respected as one of the best boys around. Unequaled in the devotion and service he lovingly gave to his Master. Looked up to as a role model, he had gained the respect of Dominants and submissives alike. But now it was gone.

Actually, it had been a gradual death. One he had been fighting for several months. Growing pressures from the outside world, his job and family, plus increasing pressure from the "lifestyle" community to give more and more, had finally taken its toll. His outside responsibilities were causing him to feel that he was not giving his all to his Master. That he was letting Him down, and letting Him down was the one thing the boy could not forgive himself for.

Despite reassurances from his Master, try as he might, the boy could not get over feeling inadequate. Master tried to help by relaxing some of the boy's duties. But to the boy, this just meant that Master didn't think him capable. The more Master tried to help, the more inadequate the boy felt. Trips to the dungeon became less and less frequent. The Dungeon had always been a magical place for them. Reviving their spirits. Binding them ever closer. But now it seemed that though they both wanted to, both seemed afraid that for some reason, the magic wouldn't be as great. The fear of disappointment froze them.

Falling deeper and deeper into despair, the boy could hang on no longer. He had always been able to reach inside himself to find some extra small bit of energy to carry him forward. But tonight, no such energy could be found. Nothing was left. With one last, gasping breath, he let go.

He was going to put his leather away. Never wanted to see it again. But something kept him from doing it. Looking at the pieces hanging in the closest, each one with their own special memory, the boy couldn't face boxing them up. The first pair of chaps and vest. Hand-me-downs, given to him by his first leather lover. The man who had introduced him to this wonderful world. They had been the man's previous lover's who had died from AIDS. They had two good years before the boy's lover died also.

The vest that held his club colors. Weighted down with the friendship and run pins he had collected. The title vest that had pushed him into the public eye, eventually leading him to his Master. The chaps Master had reworked to please Himself. The vest with the family symbol. All meant too much to just let go. Perhaps all was not dead. An ember, although ever so small, was still there glowing beneath the ashes.

The bar was beginning to fill, mostly with the leather pretenders and wannabes that usually come early. They want the adventure of coming to a "leather bar" but at a safe time, before the "real" leathermen get there. You can always tell them by the way they poke each other and point at anyone who looks "real". The boy knew those looks well. Master and he used to cause quite a stir when they went to the bar in protocol.

As he made his way to the door, he noticed a new boy standing quietly off to the side. He appeared slightly nervous and shy. A lot like the boy was his first time out alone. The new boy had at least done his homework or had some training. Dressed right, being respectful of those who approached him, but not fooled by the "pretenders" who were approaching first. The few seasoned leathermen were noticing also. The looks were not obvious, but they were there if you knew what to look for. The new boy would do alright.

As he drove home the boy couldn't help thinking about the new boy. Something about him was familiar, though he knew he had never seen him before. Something about the eyes. The way they looked eager, yet nervous. Shy but longing. Something about those eyes.

That night, one boy left, one boy arrived. One died. One was born. But did the boy really die? Looks can be misleading. For as long as there is still even the smallest ember burning, no matter how deeply buried in ash, the fire still lives.

The boy will be back. Stronger than ever. Ready to serve his Master again with more spark and drive than ever before. Sometimes we have to lose what we have to fully appreciate the gift we give. The boy will be back. Perhaps he already is. Something about those eyes.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Eleven

To Catch A Dom

Happy New Year, Happy New Century and Happy Millennium--or not, depending on your point of view. Glad to see that the Y2K bug didn't get you.

i'm not really fond of New Year's, other than that it's a paid holiday from work. There is just too much pressure associated with it. Everybody going around asking "what's your New Year's resolution this year?" or "have you made your New Year's resolutions yet?" No, and i don't intend to. Go ahead, call me a lazy jerk. i prefer to look at it more like: i don't need to, but obviously you think you do. Okay, so maybe that is a little arrogant, but all this resolution stuff gets me cranky.

Actually, making resolutions can be a positive step in self- improvement, and there is always room for improvement. Truth is, i don't think i ever made a New Year's resolution that lasted more than a week anyway. It doesn't take long to realize that becoming Supreme Ruler of the World is probably not very realistic, at least not in a year's time.

However, i have come up with the perfect way to get around all that non-consensual resolution pressure. i just say that i'm still working on it and will let them know as soon as i have decided. Then i wait about three weeks before going back and asking them how they're doing with the resolutions they made. By then they have broken all of theirs, so i'm off the hook.

But since this is sort of a special New Year's, with it being a new century and again, depending on your point of view, a New Millennium or not, perhaps making a serious attempt at making and keeping just one resolution, would be a fitting commemorative to the year 2000.

Why not make this the year you get serious about developing your submissive tendencies to their fullest degree and presenting yourself in a way that lets a Dominant know that you are serious about, and take pride in, being a submissive?

How long have you been sitting around wishing that you could find that one Dominant who inspired you. Who, in every one of Their thoughts, words and deeds, shows you how much your service, your submission, and you as a person mean to them? How many cyber-Doms have you gone through without finding a single one who had any clue as to what this lifestyle is really about? How many times--and to make it easy, just in the past year--have you asked the question, "where are all the good Tops?" Well, They're out there, asking, "where are all the good submissives?" Kind of ironic isn't it?

So let's get started. First, as corny as it may sound, stand in front of a mirror and take a good look at yourself. Can you look yourself straight in the eye and say that you are happy with who you are? If the person in the mirror was someone else, would they be someone you would be proud to call your friend, or someone you would avoid? If you were dominant, is the person in the mirror someone who has the maturity, self assurance, willingness and ability to provide you with the type of service and submission you desire, or are they so needy that they require constant reassurance, direction and correction?

Now step back, strip off anything you have on that isn't permanently attached, and take another look at yourself. Take a good look.

Are you pleased, or at least satisfied, with your appearance? Are you comfortable enough with the controllable features of your appearance that you could present yourself, naked, unembarrassed, to a Dom? It's not important that you're not some totally buff, Charles Atlas. Most experienced Doms are more interested in the mental than the physical. But, you owe it to yourself if to no one else, to maintain your physical condition at a level where you are not placing yourself in danger of developing medical problems.

Let's look a little closer. Do you present a neat, well- groomed appearance or do you look disheveled or sloppy? Are your finger and toe nails neatly trimmed and clean? Does your hair look in constant need of combing or trimming? Does it look clean and natural, or overly styled or moussed? If you have facial hair, does it enhance or distract from your natural features? If you have a beard is it full and neatly trimmed or does it look sparse and straggly, like you're still trying to grow it even though it's been there for years?
How about your pubes and body hair? Is your body hair the type that adds interest, dimension or form to your body? Or is it patchy or sparse, giving you the resemblance of a scruffy, mongrel mutt? Unless of course, you identify as a scruffy mongrel, would keeping part, or all of it, shaved or trimmed, present a better appearance? Are your pubics hiding or obstructing your assets from full view or do they help show them off?

All right. You've admired yourself in that mirror long enough. Everything good so far?--or did you find a few areas that may need a little work? Part of a submissive's job is to make their Dominant look good. Things like keeping Them informed of events in the community, or making sure They get to scheduled appointments on time are certainly part of this responsibility. But also, making sure you present yourself in the best fashion by looking your best and efficiently performing the duties of service, are equally important. If you look a mess, how does that reflect on your Dom? Not very well.

If you're not in service but are looking to be, what image of your service are you projecting to any potential Dominant if your personal appearance is sloppy? If you can't take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of Them?

That's the outer you. Now let's talk about the inner you.

Being a submissive in a BDSM relationship is not the way to resolve self esteem issues, and more importantly, it is not a way to avoid facing them. Knowledgeable Dominants do not want submissives who are doormats or who consider themselves worthless. They want someone who can stay three steps ahead of Them, knowing what They need and having it ready for Them before They even realize They need it. In other words, someone with intelligence, and the ability to use that intelligence, requiring only minimal direction. A caring, loving, devoted partner, who takes pleasure and pride in knowing Their needs and how to fulfill them.

You can't do that if you have issues concerning your own self-worth. Your Dominant may be able to provide valuable assistance in your efforts to overcome a low self-image, but you have to be the one who wants to make it happen. No one else, including the most skilled Dominant known to man, can do it for you or give you the incentive to start doing it for yourself. You need to feel good about yourself, confident in your abilities and comfortable with the person you are before you try giving yourself in service to another.

Once you're at a point where you feel good about both your inner and outer self, ready to renew your search for that for that special person to serve, it's time to take a look at how you are presenting yourself in public.
Think back about the last few times you went to a leather bar or event. What did you wear? Did it help identify you as a boy? Did it comply with the commonly accepted protocols of your community or the rules of the traditional protocol style (i.e., Old Guard, Victorian, Gorean, etc.) that you identify with? Do you know what those traditional or local protocols are, or if any such rules actually exist? If you don't know, find out.
There are a variety of books available that discuss expected submissive behavior, and there are most likely a number of members within your local community who know the traditional and local variations of appropriate boy attire. Got an on-line list group in your area? Try asking them.

But here are some basic guidelines.

First, does what you normally wear to your local leather bar, make you look like a twinky who was on his way to the vanilla disco but wandered into the leather bar by mistake? Or is it something that would be more typical of traditional boy attire such as a white T-shirt or ribbed tank top, 501 jeans or military style camouflage pants and military style boots? Were they form fitting or oversized and baggy?

If you wear leather is it also plain and simple? Free of excessive stud or chrome work? Was your arm band on your right or left? Did you flag a hanky code in your right pocket but then hang your keys in your left? Was the hanky color one that would indicate your preference and/or intensity level for SM play beyond being a bottom in sex? It wasn't orange was it? Hopefully you didn't do something really stupid like wear your own collar, wrist restraints, arm bands on both arms or tennis shoes with chaps. Did your leather fit well as if tailored made or was it loose or poorly fitted as if you just bought it off the rack on your way to the bar? Was it clean and polished? Were your boots shined?

What about your demeanor? Did you act in a way that would cause you to be viewed unfavorably or that caused embarrassment? If you had been with a Dominant would it have caused embarrassment for Him? Were you loud and vociferous? Did you appear intoxicated or stoned? Did you try to be the center of attention? Do you obviously cruise anyone you perceive may possibly be a Dominant, Dom wannabee, or at least a Top sexually?

If someone was to observe you over the course of an evening, would they get the impression that your main interest is just getting your want of play or sex filled? Would they get that impression because you're the kind that dresses and behaves appropriately, respectfully approaches a perceived Dominant and waiting to be recognized? Are you fast at lighting His cigarettes, pouring out a flood of "yes Sirs" and "no Sirs" while laying on sugary thick, a childish little boy act complete with the cutest, shy little smile you can muster, until you think you have Him appropriately impressed to the point where you can inquire about the possibility of play or just sex? If that one refuses, do you immediately run off to the next Dom, continuing that pattern until you finally get one to say yes?

Have you answered yes to most of these questions but are still wondering why you can't find a good Dominant?
Being a submissive for play or sex is one thing. They are a dime a dozen. Since getting their needs satisfied is their main objective, anyone who can provide any portion of that need, however minute or superficial, will do, if that's all that is available. Whether or not they play with a knowledgeable, respected Dominant, whose involvement in the SM community is a lifestyle choice which influences every aspect of His life, is not their most important consideration when choosing a play partner. He's a top, has a dick, is available, he'll do. Didn't find a top he was interested in that was also interested in him that night? No biggie. There's another bottom there in the same situation, who will be just as happy going with him as anybody else, and they can switch back and forth, taking turns topping each other, and be fully satisfied for that night at least.

Since those kind always seem to find someone to play with, it can give the impression that they must be some sort of great submissive in high demand. It can be frustrating, seeing them time after time, hooking up with what looks like a multitude of leather Dominants, while time after time, you go home alone after only being approached by the two obnoxious drunks sitting at the bar, who kept grabbing your ass every time they got near enough, and trying to get you to give them a blow job.

What you didn't notice is that a couple of those lifestyle Dominants did find some interesting partners that night. They were the guys you may not have particularly noticed. Not necessarily the best built or best-looking. Obviously, it had been a good while since they had seen their early twenties, but they didn't try to pretend they were still there mentally by flashing cutesie little boy smiles. Not interested in merely settling for whatever play they could get, especially if it meant just having sex with someone who calls themselves a leather dominant because they own a pair of chaps and a leather vest, they politely declined the advances of the wannabees.

They were plainly dressed in T-shirts and jeans, standing off to the side of the room, posture erect, hands behind their back. Their stance indicated the confidence and pride attained from the level of service they knew they were able to provide. They didn't bother joining in the endless parade of bodies continually circling the bar, but waited patiently, carefully watching, hoping to catch a signal from a Dom indicating His interest and permission to be approached. By their appearance and behavior, they showed themselves to be experienced, knowledgeable submissives in and out of the dungeon. That's what got them noticed. That's what attracts experienced, knowledgeable Dominants.

Where are all the good Dominants? They're off with the good submissives. It could be you if you take the time to learn just exactly what it means, and how to present yourself in a way to get you noticed by the type of Dominant you seek.

It's a new year, a new century. Time to get started.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I agree, sometimes I may not 'get' a kink or a fetish, but I figure, just cause your kink isnt my kink doesnt make it 'wrong' you know, who am I to judge? (Except of course the cursory baby, animal disclaimer)
I cant say for all areas obviously, but I have noticed that switch has become the unfortunate catch all label for trolls and fakes just looking to get laid. It makes me angry and sad, because it brings another bad light to our corner.

And I'll just add your essays are quite interesting, although an eyefull lol, I might be here all night now But very informative stuff, thank you

Welcome back ~Blacklace~ and thank you again for another opportunity of insight. I think there is a 'trend' towards self proclaimation of being a switch in some circles currently. I also think its quite difficult for people to identify there niche at times as well.

My first Dominant was several years older than I and very experienced and he 'set' my 'label' .When I say 'label' in this circumstance I mean he helped me embrace my natural tendancies. No 'label' could of changed who I am , just the perceptions others might have, based on their own definitions. Some of which entirely appropriate in my situation I imagine.

Had I been left to stumble around to my own devices (which may or may not be a good thing , so many varying factors)being only 19 I may also have gone 'woo hoo I am a switch' until some kindly soul set me 'straight'....smiles.

Happy to hear you find the essays interesting and also hope you managed some sleep.

kind regards

@}-}rebecca----

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Twelve

As Reality Sets In

A boy's ability to serve a Dominant comes from inside him. It is an innate desire and need to care for another. A desire that would be there whether or not he was involved in any form of D/s relationship. In its purist form, service is provided out of love. It is the joy of seeing and knowing the pleasure that one's service gives to the person being served which acts as both the reward and incentive.

If that innate desire is not there, if it is only with the hope of receiving sex or dungeon play that service is provided, as is often the case, then it won't be long before the service tapers off or stops completely, regardless of the amount of sex or play received. This is one of the first lessons i tell any new submissive.

However, there is also an innate desire within us that can only be satisfied in the dungeon. SM play can be as addictive as any drug. It is a driving force as basic and equally as strong, if not at times stronger, than any other of our needs. If that were not the case we would all be content to exist in the vanilla world. Once our SM need is discovered, once you have felt the total satisfaction, the extreme rejuvenation of both body and soul that only a session in the dungeon can provide, it is impossible to be satisfied living without it.

So how then does a boy balance the need to serve with the desire for SM play? Is it possible for the boy to remain happy, be fulfilled in a relationship when only one of those needs is being satisfied while the other goes unattended? Is he less of a boy, or of a submissive when the joy of providing service is no longer enough? How does he cope when day after day he strives to provide the best service he can in the hopes that his Dominant will reward him at some point with a trip to the dungeon, but after several months, that point has yet to arrive? How many times and how deeply within himself can he reach to find his inner strength that provides the energy he needs to keep pushing himself to do better, serve better, before there is no more reserve? What happens when the outside pressures and stress of everyday life become so demanding that both Dominant and submissive are too exhausted to provide the needed energy required to maintain a D/s relationship and seem to be slipping more and more into a relationship more vanilla than D/s?

I wish i knew the answers to these questions. I wish there was some magic formula or timeless words of wisdom that would make everything seem crystal clear so that the answers would be immediately evident. One of those situations where you knock yourself on the side of the head and exclaim "duh, why didn't i think of that?" I wish i knew because i've been struggling with these same questions myself for a while now.

The world of SM is full of paradoxes. We continually strive to come up with ways to explain to the outside world, and to ourselves, why it is that we get pleasure from pain. Why a submissive willing turns control of their well being over to another much less voluntarily place themselves into "slavery." How being physically punished is actually a reward. For me, it is this punishment/reward concept that is at once both one of the easier paradoxes to understand yet one of the hardest to keep balanced. So easily defined, yet so easily misunderstood and with great potential for causing problems in a relationship.

Too much emphasis on the role of SM in the relationship, trying to live the fantasy 24/7, is overly exhaustive to maintain, generally results in disappointment and can eventually destroy the relationship. On the other hand, too little involvement of SM, removing too many or too much of the fantasy elements, can be overly frustrating and equally as disappointing and destructive to the relationship.

The time Sir and i spend together in the dungeon is something very special. It is a time when we are completely focused on each other, providing a communication channel unlike no other. With our energies joined as one, directly linked, there is no interference to cause a miscommunication or misinterpretation. Outside pressures of our business, community politics, family (biological and leather), daily schedules and just life itself fade away and are, for a while at least, forgotten. It is a time when the spirit soars, the soul is cleansed, negativity banished and frustrations abandoned. It is sensual, sexual, total satisfaction. The ultimate fulfillment, perfectly refreshing and restoring. The game may be based in terms of punishment but the results and effects are definitely rewards. We exit revitalized, with renewed energy. Recharged to the point of overflowing.

By the rules we established in defining the workings or our relationship, it is the withholding of play that constitutes punishment. It is therefore very difficult for me not to equate lack of play with some inadequacy in the service i provide, no matter how many times i am told otherwise. Told that it is a matter of uncontrollable circumstances, not disappointment or dissatisfaction, that is the cause. Although i know in my mind, on an intellectual level, that this is the case, convincing my heart, on an emotional level, is what becomes so terribly difficult.

So why is it, if i actually believe that service is truly its own reward and should be provided simply for the pleasure derived from it without emphasis, expectation or desire for play, that i still place such a strong connection between the two? Why do i find myself slipping in the performance and providing of service as times in the dungeon become fewer, further apart and shorter in duration? Is this not a matter of taking my own advice? Intellectually, yes. Emotionally, no. The reason being that there is an additional factor associated with service, which comes into effect here.

In order to provide your highest level of service, you must be whole. No part of your being can be missing. You must be satisfied on every other level of existence, happy with who you are, the person you are. You need to posses a strong, positive self-image and feeling of self-worth, but still maintain a level of humility to prevent arrogance and provide the incentive to strive ever harder to reach your full potential. Lately, i do not feel whole. A part of me is being left unfulfilled, and a hunger unsatisfied. That is very difficult to admit, harder to accept.

There was a time before my need for SM surfaced or developed, that i was satisfied with a vanilla life. I provided to those i had relationships with, much of the same service i provide in my relationship today. It provided similar pleasure and satisfaction, even though at the time, i wasn't aware of what i was doing or had put a name to it. i do not want or intend to go back.

But i have no intention of giving up either. Because although the struggle to maintain headspace is frustrating, downright infuriating at times, a major factor in my assessment of the degree and quality of service i am providing, in the overall view of things its a minor point. Our relationship is built on so much more than that.

We are more than Master/slave. We are also partners, in business and in life. We are, as most members of long-term Master/slave relationships, and despite what fantasy tries to portray as being alien to such relationships, lovers. We are each other's support. We share each other's energies, hopes, dreams, successes, failures, joys and sorrows. For above all else we are each other's best friend.

Any SM or D/s relationship requires an extremely strong foundation built on a high degree of mutual trust, mutual respect and open and honest communication. Much more so than in any vanilla relationship. It is this foundation, more than anything else, which sets relationships in our world apart from relationships in the vanilla world. For no matter how hidden, or out of commission, it may seem to be at any one point in time, there always exists that power exchange. Of one giving and one taking, the responsibility of caring for and protecting both body and soul.

So maybe everything isn't perfect. What relationship ever is all the time? Yes, there are times when the stress level is higher than it need be, arguments a bit more heated, words said in anger or frustration that both know are not really true or meant but hurt just the same. What relationship at some point doesn't experience those things as well?

But as long as that foundation remains strong, one thing is for sure. Like everything else in life, this too shall pass. That is a confidence i cannot honestly say i've ever had in any other relationship. i'm not willing to give that up.

There will come a time when the dungeon will be filled once again with the sounds of our enjoyment. When going to bed will mean more than it is time to get a couple hours sleep before facing another long day. Damn, i hope it comes soon!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

apologies.....

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Thirteen

The Other Side of Vulnerable

As i mentioned last month, vulnerability during a play scene can be an extreme turn on. But there is another side to being vulnerable that can, at best, be frightening and, at its worst, cause pain much deeper than any whip: emotional vulnerability. It is not uncommon for it to drive people away from the Scene or prevent them from ever exploring it.

Dealing with being emotionally vulnerable is a battle submissives must fight every day. It's not easy to trust another so completely that you can place yourself totally in their hands, allowing them to be in control of your mental well-being. But that's what we, as submissives, do.

For some, it's not that major of an issue. It's the way we would approach any relationship, from friendships on up to getting married or taking a lover. Sometimes it may be the result of simply being naive. It may be that some people have never seen or been exposed to a relationship where one partner misused or abused the other's trust. For others, it's simply a matter of fact that anytime you give your trust to another there is always a certain element of risk involved. A risk they are willing to accept and take. Even having been badly hurt by someone in the past does not prevent them from taking the same risk again, eyes opened a little wider perhaps, but still willing.

Sadly, there are those who just cannot, for whatever reason, bring themselves to that point of letting go. It bothers me to hear someone say that they could never be in any type of 24/7 SM or D/s relationship because they refuse to put themselves in a position where their submissive tendencies might be misused, much less opening themselves to possibly being emotionally hurt or abused. It bothers me because, all too often, i've heard that said by someone who, if they could ever get over that stumbling block, would be absolutely fantastic in their service and loyalty, and be an exceptional full-time submissive.

But no matter how badly they wish for it or know how extremely happy they could be, no matter how much they wish that they could find that "perfect" Dominant who will take their fears away, they just can't bring themselves to allow it to happen. If they're lucky, they will find a Dominant with similar reservations and establish at least a play relationship. But usually they wind up standing on the sidelines, hoping against hope that tonight will be the night.

Instead, they end up, once again, alone and frustrated, torn between the driving needs they know they have and their equally driving need for self-protection. In the end, when all is said and done, most of them find that in protecting themselves--by not having allowed themselves to open up that vulnerability--they have only hurt themselves. Often even worse than if they had let go and ended up involved in a bad, hurtful situation.

Normally, i do not feel that the issues concerning submission are all that different due to whether you're male/female, gay/bi/straight or any other type of categorization. But this is possibly one problem area where being a male submissive seems to have an advantage over being a female submissive. Predominantly, the situation arises more often among female submissives in the pansexual arena than it does among either gay or straight male subs. Perhaps it is because in our overall society, cases of both physical and mental abuse are by far, more commonly situations where an adult male abuses an adult female, usually within the confines of an emotional or love relationship.

On the other hand, cases of abuse against males are more likely to be of a physical nature, involving situations between fathers and sons or gay lovers. And for gay males, the situations frequently included emotional abuse as well. While physical abuse of males by females certainly does exist, female to male abuse more often brings up images of the overly strong-willed wife or lover, who continually berates the guy in an effort to break his self esteem so they can control his every thought and action.

Complicating the situation for females, there is the added problem that some men still view women as being inferior. Since the male Dominants in our lifestyle who feel that way about women also seem to feel that way about submissives in general, it's not hard to understand why the fear of being emotionally vulnerable is more prevalent among female submissives than males.

The fear is real and it should be. To have someone you love and trust use those emotions against you to control you, to make you conform to what they want you to be, can be devastating. Even in the vanilla world, it can happen before you know it or even realize what's going on. In the world of BDSM, the damage caused by the misuse of a trust can happen with lightning speed.

In this lifestyle, with its unique mixture of fantasy and reality, there are many who believe that absolute, non-questioned control is a Dominant's right. That when training a submissive, they need to be frequently "punished" or publicly embarrassed in order to break their will, thus making them a more obedient and responsive "slave". With many new submissives entering the lifestyle attracted by the image of the mindless submissive being cared for totally, free of any responsibility to care for themselves, the opportunities for a complete psychological, spiritual or emotional breakdown are constantly present. Any submissive who enters the lifestyle with any sign of having a low self-esteem can become an instant and easy target for a Dominant who thinks it's all about control.

When BDSM is involved, it is not just trust, but unquestionable trust. That is one of the key elements in the success of any type or level of relationship-- be it simply play buddies or a full-time, 24/7, D/s or a Master/slave relationship. That absolute and extreme level of trust must be there. It is especially important for a submissive to have that level of trust in his or her Dominant, and to feel a similar trust in return. That level of trust empowers submissives to give of themselves freely, willingly, without reservations or limitations, free of fears and reluctance; it allows them to give control of their entire body and soul, to perform at their highest level of service and to surrender fully in their submission, to their Dominant.

In so doing, we do become terrifyingly vulnerable. Because we are not only willing to allow, but actually want to allow that degree of vulnerability, sincere submissives are often deemed to be emotionally needy. We are said to be strongly co-dependent. Driven by a need to be with someone, anyone, in any type relationship, be it good or abusive. A need so powerful that we no longer care about our own well-being.

Damn! I never realized i was that screwed up! Sure didn't realize that my thinking i've been very lucky to find someone at points along the way who made me feel so extremely good about myself or showed how much he appreciated my giving him my ultimate trust by giving me his ultimate trust, was merely the result of some psychological disturbance i supposedly have.

Didn't realize i am sick because i look for someone who understands the pleasure i receive from giving service to him, and who is grateful for the honor he receives. Sure didn't realize all those times i felt extremely happy and totally fulfilled was because i was just satisfying a need caused by some perceived lack of self-esteem and incapability to be self-sufficient. Those of us who have had the opportunity to know this kind of happiness also know that when there is mutual and total trust, commitment and love, you don't need to worry about being emotionally vulnerable. There's never a guarantee the happiness will last forever, and there may be some hurt in the end. But if you don't take the chance, you'll never know the pleasure.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Fourteen

Its About Pride

Last month i asked you to take a good look at yourself and evaluate the type of image you portray. i asked you to not only evaluate yourself physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

How many of you made it through all the questions? How many of you decided about halfway through that this was getting much more serious about the lifestyle than you were interested in being?
How many thought that it was all well and good if you lived where there was an established group who still followed the "Old Guard" ways and would recognize all that stuff, but your community isn't like that, so why bother? What if you're female, or interested in some other protocol style? How does all that relate to me?

Basically, the questions had nothing to do with Old Guard, male, female, gay, straight or any other label you want to use. It has to do with being a submissive and being the best submissive you can be.


Being submissive isn't something you turn off and on like a light bulb. It is a very basic, driving force of your personality. It is something to be nurtured and refined. It requires constant feeding, evaluation and growth. But before any of that can happen, there is one decision you must make. You must decide that being a submissive is who you are and what you want to be.

For some of you, that may not be an easy decision to make. After all, submissives are second-class citizens, with no minds of their own, having to be told what to do and when to do it. They are nothing but little sex toys, to be used and then tossed away when the Dominant tires of them. Right? Absolutely not!

It takes intelligence to be a submissive. Someone who can motivate themselves to see what needs to be done and to do it. As i mentioned last month, a good submissive will know everything there is to know about their Dominant. Their wants, their needs, their likes and dislikes. They will know what their Dominant wants or needs, sometimes even before the Dominant realizes it him or herself. A mindless person could never do that.

It takes a caring person to be a submissive. Someone whose basic desire is to make the person they are with happy. To make them feel like they are the most important person on the face of the earth. Can a mindless person do that? Not hardly.

It takes a person who can constantly challenge a Dominant to continue their education in the various fetishes. To be willing and eager to try new types of play. To expand the limits or intensity of the areas they are already familiar with so that play doesn't become boring or routine for them or their Dominant. A simple sex toy could never do that.

Second-class citizen? Not to a Dominant who knows the value, appreciates the gift, and cherishes the special gift that only a submissive can give. For what a submissive has to offer is just that. A gift. The most precious gift anyone can give. The gift of themselves.

It takes a very special person to give that gift. It takes a very special person to be a submissive. i take great pride in who i am and what i have to offer. i take great pride in knowing that i was able to find a Master who appreciates my gifts, and encourages me to grow, not only as a submissive, but as a person as well. i'm proud to be a submissive and you should be too.

So, ready to make that decision? Then go back and look at the questions from last month again. And remember, if you don't take pride in yourself, why should anyone else take pride in you?

~ rebecca note ~ you just have to love bob, huh...smiles

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

The bob Harris Essays ~ Fifteen

Sub-space: Others Do It, Why Can't I?

Ever get the feeling that you're the only one out there who just doesn't get it? You hear other subs talking about being in another world, feeling like they're floating or having out of body experiences. That they don't feel the pain because the sting of the first few hits cause them to transcend to some never never land, totally submersed in a wonderful headspace.

You try and try. Concentrating on absorbing each blow of the whip. Trying to process the sting so it will carry you away. You're relaxed, fully trusting in the skill of the one at the other end of the whip. You know them well. There is no concern for your safety. Everything is perfect. Yet all you feel is pain. Your body tenses, your breathing becomes deeper, faster. Your pushing yourself to take all they can give and still be ready for more. You feel each blow, and each blow becomes more of a challenge, a challenge you willing accept. Yet you're still right there. Not floating. Not off in nirvana. Right there.

The blows finally stop. Your body relaxes. You feel a sense of pride in having taken it all. Of having resisted the urge to yell the safe word, instead, pushing yourself to accept more, expanding your pain threshold, pushing your limits. Pride in not quitting, in not disappointing the one on that other end of the whip. You gave them what they wanted, and in return, got what you needed. You enjoyed every minute of it, maybe even had one of the best scenes you've ever had. Your head is racing, your body is exhausted, you feel absolutely euphoric. But still you feel something is missing, something must be wrong with you. You didn't fly.

We have been so conditioned into thinking that the whole theory behind the concept of deriving pleasure from pain is based on somehow being able to mentally process the physical reality to produce an altered state of mind. A sort of hypnotic state that comes when the endorphins being produced by the brain take over and your mind convinces your body that what it feels isn't real. So obviously, since your feeling the pain, feeling each increase in intensity, there must be something that you either haven't been able to learn how to do, or are not capable of doing. Something must be wrong with you.

For a long time i felt the same way, and in a sense, was jealous of those who claimed to be able to reach that state of flying. Everybody i talked to seemed to be able to. Everything i read said i should be able to. i could not understand why i wasn't able to get there also. The only reason i could think of was that i hadn't found the right person that i trusted completely enough, to let myself go. That worked for a while, but when i did meet that someone, and still was unable to reach that flying headspace, i really began to worry.

Then i finally realized it wasn't a matter of something being wrong with me, or that something was missing. It was just that i approached getting whipped from a different viewpoint. Instead of trying to process the pain in order not to feel it, i see it as a physical challenge. i enjoy feeling and taking each blow. i enjoy pushing my body to accept more. Maybe i don't fly during the scene the way some do, but i sure do enjoy what is happening just the same. And i know that as soon as the whipping stops, as soon as i realize the scene is winding down, that i have passed the test and given my partner what they wanted, that's when my flight takes off. That's when i give into the adrenaline rush and let the endorphins take over. Talk about flying!

i've also discovered along the way, that there are a lot of Dominants who prefer a submissive who doesn't go off into that never never land headspace. They like to watch the sub's muscles reacting to each hit. Part of their enjoyment is in knowing that the sub is right there with them, working for them and with them. Doing their best to fulfill their duty of service, making sure that the Dominant is satisfied before allowing themselves enjoyment. A sub who goes off into space can't give them the type of reactions they are looking for. Might as well be flogging a brick wall. There is no connection, no exchange of energy, no sharing of the experience. After the scene, the sub may be totally satisfied, may have even been the best scene they have ever had. But the Dominant walks away feeling like all they got was a physical workout.

There are some areas of play, such as wax, bondage or temporary piercings, that do not consist of as intense a level of pain, where i do fly right from the beginning. But to consider myself somehow less capable as a sub because i don't react that way to the whip, No Way! i've stopped thinking that there is something wrong with me. i'd rather be there, feeling, pushing, connecting, sharing. That's what i enjoy. That's what makes me fly. Maybe it's the others who really don't get it.

 

[cati]

Uhuh

rebecca...Thanks for the articles.

I too have never reached "deep" sub space. From what I have read this could be a dangerous place to travel unless one is in the company of a Top who knows exactly what he is doing. I also feel that some subs can just get there more easily than others.
Often I get giddy and laugh, which seems to turn some spectators off (they think I'm not taking the beating seriously) or I just become a little feral and ultra horny. More often than not I just feel very mellow while under the lash.
One Dom told me that keeping a steady hypnotic rythymn in the strokes is the key and not necessarily inflicting more pain. Sadly I've not had an orgasm during play either. I for one would appreciate suggestions on how much pain would get me off.

I suppose the old adage "different strokes for different folks" would apply here.

 

[FurryFury]

I very much would like to visit sub space.

*looks eager and wishful*

Fury

 

[RJMasters]

Great articles Rebecca. I am enjoying them very much. Thank you for taking the time to post them.

 

[alice_underneath]

I, too, would like to thank you for taking the time to post these articles, Rebecca. I have been reading them with interest.

Thank you for introducing me to Bob Harris. He seems to have been a genuinely decent person, worthy of respect and admiration.

However, he wrote something with which I disagree strongly. And so, respectfully, I would like to provide an alternative point of view.

In the essay, As Reality Sets In, Bob Harris wrote:

"Any SM or D/s relationship requires an extremely strong foundation built on a high degree of mutual trust, mutual respect and open and honest communication. Much more so than in any vanilla relationship. It is this foundation, more than anything else, which sets relationships in our world apart from relationships in the vanilla world. For no matter how hidden, or out of commission, it may seem to be at any one point in time, there always exists that power exchange. Of one giving and one taking, the responsibility of caring for and protecting both body and soul."

I strongly disagree with his comments in two fundamental respects.

#1.The Us vs. Them mentality.

The idea that there is a sharp line on the floor between "any SM or D/s relationship" and "any vanilla relationship" is, in my opinion, a very narrow-minded point of view.

The concept of a marriage of equals is nonsense; there is a "power exchange" in all relationships. As for the "responsibility of caring for and protecting both body and soul".... I am guessing that is, unfortunately, absent in many SM or D/s relationships..... just as it is very clearly present in many strong "vanilla" relationships.

Of course, there are critical differences of degree. And there are profound differences in the ways in which inequality is acknowledged and dealt with. There are also differences in the extent to which partners respect their responsibilities to one another.

But the lines between the SM or D/s world and the "vanilla world" are often quite blurred. Elements of one type are present in the other - sometimes to a very considerable degree. Relationships fall along a continuum - not within one of two boxes painted on the floor. And all along that continuum of relationships, there are good and bad examples of each.


#2. The idea that there is necessarily a higher "degree of mutual trust, mutual respect and open and honest communication" in a "SM or D/s relationship" than in "any vanilla relationship".

This idea is not just silly. To be honest, I find it very offensive as well.

Perhaps there was an absence of respect, trust and communication in Bob Harris' marriage to a woman. And clearly, there was a high degree of respect, trust, and communication in his Master/slave relationship. But the conclusion that he draws is narrow-minded and simply wrong.

I will make my point with an example involving the concept of trust. Before anyone points out the obvious and notes that I have never been tied up and at the mercy of some guy with a whip or knives in his hands, I would like to make an obvious point too.

There are many different kinds of terror, and many different kinds of trust. What gives anyone the right to claim that his type of trust is more significant or profound than my own?

I can honestly tell you that I would rather be tied, gagged, and tortured than face some of the issues I have had to deal with involving my children. And at the critical moment, when I was most terrified and unsure of the outcome..... I have deferred to the judgment of a Man for whom I have profound respect. I trust Him in making decisions regarding children who are not even His own. In deferring to His guidance, I respect His judgment enough to place the welfare of my children in His hands.

Maybe you have to be tied and under a whip to understand Bob Harris' point of view. Well..... you have to be a mother raising children in stressful circumstances to understand mine too.

If I could have spoken to Bob Harris, I would have said: Please don't tell me that whatever you do in your dungeon involves more respect and trust than I feel for my Husband. I ask you, respectfully, to reconsider your position before you write such offensive absolutes.

~~~~~

This brings me to the second point that I would like to make about the Bob Harris essays. Unfortunately, I do not have a sense of the ways in which the Master nurtured or guided the slave outside of the dungeon, and I do not have a sense of the ways in which the boy submitted to the Master - other than as a bottom for sadomasochistic activities, a sex slave, and a manservant.

Those are clearly important elements of Bob Harris' life.... but they are not life in its entirety.

Life is raising children, balancing the household budget, community service, learning about the world around you, developing hobbies and interests, etc. I would be interested to read Bob Harris' views on dominance and submission as it relates to something other than sadomasochistic play. I am curious to know if his Master provided any nurturing or guidance in a more complete sense than the picture I have so far.

Thank you again, Rebecca, for taking the time to post the articles.

Alice

 

[cati]

I had to go back and re-read Rebeccas post to see where Alice is coming from. I see that her post refers to another essay not mentioned. I have no idea who Bob Harris is and so for me to be able to better argue against your positon Alice, perhaps you wouldn't mind posting the addy where you found that article..."As Reality Sets In"

 

[alice_underneath]

I had to go back and re-read Rebeccas post to see where Alice is coming from. I see that her post refers to another essay not mentioned. I have no idea who Bob Harris is and so for me to be able to better argue against your positon Alice, perhaps you wouldn't mind posting the addy where you found that article..."As Reality Sets In"

The Bob Harris quote in my post was extracted from the article in post #387 on this thread.

Alice

 

[raven2]

rebecca...Thanks for the articles.

I too have never reached "deep" sub space. From what I have read this could be a dangerous place to travel unless one is in the company of a Top who knows exactly what he is doing. I also feel that some subs can just get there more easily than others.
Often I get giddy and laugh, which seems to turn some spectators off (they think I'm not taking the beating seriously) or I just become a little feral and ultra horny. More often than not I just feel very mellow while under the lash.
One Dom told me that keeping a steady hypnotic rythymn in the strokes is the key and not necessarily inflicting more pain. Sadly I've not had an orgasm during play either. I for one would appreciate suggestions on how much pain would get me off.

I suppose the old adage "different strokes for different folks" would apply here.

I think it definitely would. I just tried flogging with my wife for the first time. Very lightly as she is not into pain but likes the sensation. She actually did have an orgasm under some light consistant pussy lashing. If pain hasn't been getting you off, perhaps it is as the Dom said. A constant rhythm may be something you want to try, just as a different approach.

 

[raven2]

I very much would like to visit sub space.

*looks eager and wishful*

Fury

And I wish I could take you there.

*looks eager and lustful*

 

[cati]

Thanks Rebecca, thanks Alice.