My first attempt

[MaximTerhune]

This was my first attempt at submitting a story and it was rejected. Some honest feedback would be appreciated.

It's July 11th. Finally. Its been too long since I have seen you. I am so excited to see you. To get naked with you. To cum for you. I had to stroke myself off when I woke up as I was so worked up about seeing you. Seeing your body, your curves, your tits, your gorgeous face. Thinking of how you would look. Would you have stockings on? A lacy bra and tiny g string that hugged your sexy hips? Maybe you would greet me naked, maybe in a very short skirt and loosely tied dress shirt. All I knew was that I couldn't wait to be with you!
I'm on time and knock on your door. Come in you say, make sure you lock it behind you. I walk in and see you on the bed. On your back. Your breasts uncovered and looking so fucking good! You have a white garter on. Attached to white stockings. Your legs are spread. knees up. Your finger gently playing with the already wet folds of your pussy. Do you like what you see you ask with a grin. I can barely get the word out to say yes. Take your shirt off you tell me. I do. Take off your pants and boxers you then say. I do and you smile, say good boy then tell me to come stand beside you. Grab your cock you tell me. You are going to cum on my tits as fast as you can right now. Then, you tell me, I am going to get you so hard and so horny for me that you fuck me. I can't wait to feel your hard cock fucking me. Now start playing with your cock you say. I want to see how you do it. I want to see your cum shoot out and land on my tits. I start stroking over your chest. I look at you and your smile encourages me. I look down and your finger is still rubbing your wet cunt. You bring your hand up to your mouth and slowly lick your wet finger, all while looking straight into my eyes. My breathing becomes heavier. My hips lightly twitch. Your gaze leaves my face and settles on the tip of my cock. My hand stroking faster. I let out a moan and a stream of cum lands on your breasts. Good boy you say. Now let's get you hard again you tell me. You take your hand, scoop up some of my cum and take it to your mouth. You greedily lick it up.

 

[LoneMilf]

If you're wondering why it was not approved, read the rejection message carefully. It usually states a reason.

As for feedback:
1) Not a bad first effort. There is some nice description and the action is easy to follow
2) It's very short. Mostly just a sex scene
3) It is too much of a wall of text. It would be much easier to read if you split it into paragraphs
4) The dialogue is mixed in completely with the rest of the text, making it difficult to read. There are specific ways of writing dialogue - they're worth learning

Overall, I enjoyed the read - thanks

 

[THBGato]

Well, firstly I'm going to assume that there's more to the story than this (enough to meet the 750 words minimum).

Then I'm going to say: paragraphs.

Next: speech marks.

Separate your text into clear paragraphs to delinate any switches in time, place, topic or person. The latter is crucial for you. Thus, start a new paragraph when she says "Come in." Do that for all other lines of dialogue.

I don't know if that's why you've been rejected, but making those changes will definitely help make you writing more readable.

Good luck and welcome to writing.

 

[Lucien_Al]

I find that even if your spelling, grammar and composition is good, it does help to have an editor look over the story and give ideas on how best to make it read better.

Typically if the story does not "hook" me in the first couple of paragraphs I lose interest.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

The story is 434 words long. Literotica's minimum length is 750 words for stories.

-Rocco

 

[AG31]

This was my first attempt at submitting a story and it was rejected. Some honest feedback would be appreciated.

It's July 11th. Finally. Its been too long since I have seen you. I am so excited to see you. To get naked with you. To cum for you. I had to stroke myself off when I woke up as I was so worked up about seeing you. Seeing your body, your curves, your tits, your gorgeous face. Thinking of how you would look. Would you have stockings on? A lacy bra and tiny g string that hugged your sexy hips? Maybe you would greet me naked, maybe in a very short skirt and loosely tied dress shirt. All I knew was that I couldn't wait to be with you!
I'm on time and knock on your door. Come in you say, make sure you lock it behind you. I walk in and see you on the bed. On your back. Your breasts uncovered and looking so fucking good! You have a white garter on. Attached to white stockings. Your legs are spread. knees up. Your finger gently playing with the already wet folds of your pussy. Do you like what you see you ask with a grin. I can barely get the word out to say yes. Take your shirt off you tell me. I do. Take off your pants and boxers you then say. I do and you smile, say good boy then tell me to come stand beside you. Grab your cock you tell me. You are going to cum on my tits as fast as you can right now. Then, you tell me, I am going to get you so hard and so horny for me that you fuck me. I can't wait to feel your hard cock fucking me. Now start playing with your cock you say. I want to see how you do it. I want to see your cum shoot out and land on my tits. I start stroking over your chest. I look at you and your smile encourages me. I look down and your finger is still rubbing your wet cunt. You bring your hand up to your mouth and slowly lick your wet finger, all while looking straight into my eyes. My breathing becomes heavier. My hips lightly twitch. Your gaze leaves my face and settles on the tip of my cock. My hand stroking faster. I let out a moan and a stream of cum lands on your breasts. Good boy you say. Now let's get you hard again you tell me. You take your hand, scoop up some of my cum and take it to your mouth. You greedily lick it up.

It's simple. It's less then 750 words long.

But since I read it all before I thought to check, here's what I was going to say.

It completely misses it on the measure of good writing. There's not a single captivating turn of phrase. The sentences are all structured the same and of similar length. There's no description.

But it borders on compelling at the level of authenticity. Doesn't really make it on that front either, but it comes close.

 

[MaximTerhune]

Thanks for all of your advice. Clearly I didn't realize my word count was too low. I'll make sure my next story is lengthier.

 

[AllenWoody]

It would be easier to read with conventional dialog tagging and broken out into paragraphs:

-----

I'm on time and knock on your door.

"Come in you say, make sure you lock it behind you."

I walk in and see you on the bed. On your back. Your breasts uncovered and looking so fucking good! You have a white garter on. Attached to white stockings. Your legs are spread. knees up. Your finger gently playing with the already wet folds of your pussy.

"Do you like what you see?" you ask with a grin.

I can barely get the word out to say, "yes."

"Take your shirt off," you tell me.

I do.

"Take off your pants and boxers," you then say. I do and you smile, say "good boy," then tell me to come stand beside you. "Grab your cock," you tell me. "You are going to cum on my tits as fast as you can right now."

-----

There's a lot else to work on, but proper formatting is be a great start and leads to seeing what other issues there may be.