E
Essa
Guest
Why is a cucumber a better date than a man?
The cucumber doesn't make you sleep on the wet spot
The cucumber doesn't make you sleep on the wet spot
One for the ladies ...
- Thread starter higherlevel4u
- Start date
E
Essa
Guest
A Woman's four favourite animals
A mink in the closet,
A Jaguar in the garage,
A tiger in the bedroom,
And an ass to pay for it all!
A mink in the closet,
A Jaguar in the garage,
A tiger in the bedroom,
And an ass to pay for it all!
E
Essa
Guest
Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini
E
Essa
Guest
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds
By giving them money, furs and diamonds
hotsxylady
~*His Muse*~
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2005
- Posts
- 79,012
3 men were walking along a river that was 200 feet wide. One the other side of the river, they see tents and food. They all make 1 wish each: The 1st guy asks God,"God, please give me a pair of wings, so I can fly across the river and eat." In an instant, a pair of wings appear, and he flies across the river. Half-way across, a lightning strikes him and he falls into the river and dies. The 2nd guy asks God,"God, please give me a sailboat, so I can sail across the river and eat." In an instant, a sailboat appear, and he sails across the river. Half-way across the river, the wind blows him down stream and he falls out of the boat and dies.The 3rd guy makes his wish to himself. Suddenly, he turns into a woman, and walks across the bridge
higherlevel4u
RIP Literotica
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2003
- Posts
- 137,532
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions for them ....
Just shut the fuck up, Pat ....
A. Because they don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions for them ....
Just shut the fuck up, Pat ....
hotsxylady
~*His Muse*~
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2005
- Posts
- 79,012
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
WantonWitch
The Devils own lil' Angel
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Posts
- 107,078
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
sasebrats
The girl next door
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2006
- Posts
- 63,377
No that's not right....higherlevel4u said:Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions for them ....
Just shut the fuck up, Pat ....
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Cuz your momma told you not to play with strangers.
WantonWitch
The Devils own lil' Angel
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Posts
- 107,078
"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
hotsxylady
~*His Muse*~
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2005
- Posts
- 79,012
Because I'm a man ...
... when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
... when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
WantonWitch
The Devils own lil' Angel
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Posts
- 107,078
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
WantonWitch
The Devils own lil' Angel
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Posts
- 107,078
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
sasebrats
The girl next door
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2006
- Posts
- 63,377
What kills me about dumb men is they act like women don't know how to
handle money.
Like they do.
I was talking with a guy the other day and he told me he lost $200 on
the Giants, then he lost $200 on the Redskins, and another $200 on the
Raiders.
I said, "If you have to gamble, why don't you forget the football and
start gamblimg on something you can win at? Like horses."
"Oh I couldn't," he said, "I don't know anything about horse racing."
handle money.
Like they do.
I was talking with a guy the other day and he told me he lost $200 on
the Giants, then he lost $200 on the Redskins, and another $200 on the
Raiders.
I said, "If you have to gamble, why don't you forget the football and
start gamblimg on something you can win at? Like horses."
"Oh I couldn't," he said, "I don't know anything about horse racing."
WantonWitch
The Devils own lil' Angel
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Posts
- 107,078
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
WantonWitch
The Devils own lil' Angel
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Posts
- 107,078
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
WantonWitch
The Devils own lil' Angel
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2004
- Posts
- 107,078
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
alisonwunderlnd
pink cupcake princess
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2006
- Posts
- 23,344
ROTFLMAOWantonWitch said:"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
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