One for the ladies ...

[WantonWitch]

ROTFLMAO

Is a good thread huh ?


"Hey, I've read all the classics."



Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

 

[Essa]

Why is a pig better than a man?


Pigs don't turn into men when they have too much to drink


That is soooo bloody true

 

[WantonWitch]

"That's interesting, dear."


Really means...
"Are you still talking?"


Rofl... was he that bad ?

 

[hermitage]

oops...

 

[Essa]

"That's interesting, dear."


Really means...
"Are you still talking?"


Rofl... was he that bad ?

That bad...he was bloody worse I've got my own back, I accidently dropped the teapot and hid the pop


All women hail the miracle birth...the baby boy was born with a dick and a brain

 

[WantonWitch]

What do ovens and women have in common?

You got to get them hot before sticking the meat in.

get your ass in the ' one for the guys thread '

 

[WantonWitch]

That bad...he was bloody worse I've got my own back, I accidently dropped the teapot and hid the pop


All women hail the miracle birth...the baby boy was born with a dick and a brain

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."



Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."


Lmao... that explains his moaning then

 

[hermitage]

oops...

 

[WantonWitch]

What is it that a woman doesn't like hermitage to know about?

HERmitAGE.

Still the wrong thread

You need to be here

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=492080

 

[Essa]

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."



Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."


Lmao... that explains his moaning then

He's always moaning he's a Caring Understanding Nineties Type


Women can take a joke....they get married to prove it

 

[WantonWitch]

He's always moaning he's a Caring Understanding Nineties Type


Women can take a joke....they get married to prove it

ROFLMFAO !!! Can I steal that ?


"Will you marry me?"


Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

 

[Essa]

ROFLMFAO !!! Can I steal that ?


"Will you marry me?"


Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

You can steal that, and him as well if you like


What's the definition of a perfect male lover?

He makes love until 2 a.m. and then turns into chocolate

 

[WantonWitch]

You can steal that, and him as well if you like


What's the definition of a perfect male lover?

He makes love until 2 a.m. and then turns into chocolate

Sorry girl... you married him... you keep him

"That's women's work."



Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

 

[Essa]

Sorry girl... you married him... you keep him

"That's women's work."



Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

I didn't marry him...been engaged for 16 years, I'm still looking for a Mr Right whose first name isn't "Always"

What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?

Most men can find a pub in under four minutes

 

[WantonWitch]

I didn't marry him...been engaged for 16 years, I'm still looking for a Mr Right whose first name isn't "Always"

What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?

Most men can find a pub in under four minutes

Sensible... a long engagement keeps him occupied and you can still keep looking


"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."


Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

 

[Essa]

Sensible... a long engagement keeps him occupied and you can still keep looking


"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."


Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

The Rum and the Jazz keep him occupied enough....in the meantime...I keep looking


What do men and floor tiles have in common?

If you lay them properly you can walk all over them for ever

 

[WantonWitch]

The Rum and the Jazz keep him occupied enough....in the meantime...I keep looking


What do men and floor tiles have in common?

If you lay them properly you can walk all over them for ever

Just got to keep hope alive rofl


"I do help around the house."


Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

 

[Essa]

Just got to keep hope alive rofl


"I do help around the house."


Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

Well I like to think there will be something good in my future

Why are men like vending machines?

They'll take your money and half the time they won't work

 

[WantonWitch]

Well I like to think there will be something good in my future

Why are men like vending machines?

They'll take your money and half the time they won't work

Don't we all..... keep looking... I do


"She's one of those rabid feminists."


Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

 

[Essa]

Don't we all..... keep looking... I do


"She's one of those rabid feminists."


Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

I won't stop till I find Mr yes dear you're always Right..but then life might get a bit boring


What can you say to a man who's just had sex?

Anything you like he'll be asleep

 

[WantonWitch]

I won't stop till I find Mr yes dear you're always Right..but then life might get a bit boring


What can you say to a man who's just had sex?

Anything you like he'll be asleep

Very boring


Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:
1: Gained weight.
2: Talked excessively without making sense.
3: Became emotional.
4: Called home just to see if anyone called.
5: Couldn't drive.
6: Went to the bathroom in groups.
7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.
No further testing is planned.

 

[Essa]

How does a man take a bubble bath?


He eats beans for dinner

 

[WantonWitch]

Cucumbers versus men


1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
99. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything

 

[lovemonster]

Heheheheh...nice one ladies....

 

[Essa]

Did you hear about the man who was so big that when he died they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a matchbox



I couldn't let him get away with this