One for the ladies ...

[hotsxylady]

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .

Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?




Oldies are still the best

 

[Essa]

Why It's Great to be a Man


* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
* Same work... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, all the time.

 

[WantonWitch]

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?


Four guys watching a football game.

 

[higherlevel4u]

Glad to see the men-bashing is still going strong .... it pleases me that you ladies can get SO much enjoyment out of it ....

 

[WantonWitch]

Glad to see the men-bashing is still going strong .... it pleases me that you ladies can get SO much enjoyment out of it ....

*Grins* Surprised you haven't had death threats by pm for starting this


What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?



Sex.

 

[Essa]

Glad to see the men-bashing is still going strong .... it pleases me that you ladies can get SO much enjoyment out of it ....

Oh.. we gets lots of enjoyment


If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers

It is understandable why so many mothers cry at their daughters wedding

 

[higherlevel4u]

Q. What's the difference between a man and childbirth?

A. One is a lot of pain and almost unbearable, and the other is just having a baby ....

 

[WantonWitch]

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?


Two. If you slice them very thinly.

Nice one, Essa

 

[Essa]

Why are vibrators better than men?

Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!



That one is sooooo true

 

[WantonWitch]

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?


Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

 

[higherlevel4u]

Q. How can you tell if a man is a chauvinist pig ?

A. He thinks "harass" is two words ....

 

[Essa]

Why are hangovers better than men?

Hangovers will go away

 

[DLL]

Three old men were sitting in a park talking. The 60 year old man said, "Just once in the morning,
I wish I could take a good pee."
The 70 year old man in the group was smiling & shaking his head and said, "You know, just once I wish I could take a good dump in the morning."

The 80 year old man was smiling and shaking his head while laughing. The others were looking at him and asked him why he was laughing so hard.

He said, "every morning I have a good pee and a great dump - I just wish I would wake-up first!

 

[WantonWitch]

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?


Any place without a drive-up window.

 

[hotsxylady]

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?


It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

 

[Essa]

Why are men like strawberries?

Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten


I love being so cruel

 

[higherlevel4u]

I notice I'm the only guy contributing here .... I never realised I was into masochism ....

 

[Essa]

I notice I'm the only guy contributing here .... I never realised I was into masochism ....

I'll be around in a bit to give you a hand



Why do women always wear black to bed?

To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

 

[WantonWitch]

I notice I'm the only guy contributing here .... I never realised I was into masochism ....

Lol... I keep posting in the guys thread... you guys need to ask directions to the jokes pages


Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

 

[higherlevel4u]

I'll be around in a bit to give you a hand

Just a hand?

 

[WantonWitch]

Understanding Men
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

[Essa]

Just a hand?

Well I don't mind bringing a cane, now if I can just remember where I hid it..

 

[WantonWitch]

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

 

[Essa]

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

love it



What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself

 

[WantonWitch]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife
asked,

"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? "Your toes look all mangled and
weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had Tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off is pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and
deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles, "he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"