Random bitching about my strange marital situation...

[Belegon]

First things first: I intend to rant about some bullshit that you might not be interested in. Yes, I am looking for sympathy. You have been warned, click away if you don't want to hear it.

so, the Soon-to-be-ex-wife messaged me directly for about the first time in three months. To complain about the fact that her medical insurance has been canceled. Okay... so: the reason she will lose her insurance at the end of the month is because the local Board of Education terminated my contract since I ... well, I don't actually know the full why yet. They did it after not notifying me or attempting to contact me except by mail, which was delivered to my Ex-wifes home, the one she told me never to return to about three months ago. So, I have basically been fired. Of course I haven't actually driven my school bus since Nov. 2023. Speculation about why includes that my FMLA leave period had run out or that they were missing some kind of paperwork. I DID NOT resign or give them any notice of anything.And they STILL have not officially notified me of anything. since said termination was done at the school board meeting on the first Monday of March, my access to their health insurance expires at the end of March.

The cancer center at the hospital responded immediately to my situation and with their help it appears I will be on Medicaid before it affects my chemotherapy. Bravo to the hospital and one particularly efficient client services co-ordinator!

Anyway, since my ex, who also works for the BOE, by the way, was on my health insurance this means she will also lose access. I had been continuing to pay for her and her daughters health insurance out of my own pocket despite her kicking me out of the family home on Dec. 15th. NOW she is upset at me since her health insurance is threatened. She says she cannot pay for the health insurance. Since she started the bitching about money, I pointed out that not only was I not asking her to repay me for the money I have spent on her and her daughter's insurance ,but that she owed me for the phones whose remaining balance Verizon had charged me for immediately after I removed her and her three ADULT children from my phone plan on Feb. 1st. That dollar amount is approx. $1600. My cellphone bill for Feb. was over two thousand dollars.

Her response was to accuse me of removing the, AGAIN I emphasize adult ( all over 21 and gainfully employed) children from the phone plan out of "spite" and to mention that the daughter, who had been trying to get me evicted from family home for well over a year after SHE got evicted from her apartment and moved back in with us head been out of town at the time her phone service ended. I replied that continuing the phone service at my own expense for a full six weeks after she rather forcefully indicated the marriage was over was hardly spiteful, and that perhaps if she had spoken more than ten words to me in the last three months that perhaps things would be going smoother.

Her response to that was to "inform" me that she had paid more than Five grand to make repairs to the room my son moved out of over a year ago and to the downstairs bathroom in my absence. Number one, I don't believe her. Number two, while there were some things about the downstairs bathroom that needed fixing, those things have needed those repairs for a number of years and the only one who had made any effort at repairing those items was yours truly. I repaired a ceiling and wall and built new shelves for the towels. All done with wood that I purchased and /or salvaged from wood pallets in order to retain the bare wood style walls of said bathroom.

This by the way, is the woman who was claiming the moral high ground by saying that despite our separation, she would not divorce me because such might cause a re-evaluation of our health insurance and cause me difficulties in my cancer treatments. I reiterate that I was the one paying for and providing said health insurance, not only for myself but also for her and the twenty-three year old daughter whose most recent words to me were "shut up. I hate your fucking voice."


So , divorce proceedings will soon be under way, because I no longer want to be even tangentially associated with that marriage. I suspect that upon receiving word of such I will again be accused of being "spiteful". Also, I believe she will allege verbal abuse based on comments she made to MY mother about how I yelled all the time and was violent. I certainly have raised my voice a few times over the years, but have never struck even a wall, let alone a person. I was accused by her daughter of being violent in an argument many months ago, to which I responded that I had never hit a woman in my life and did not intend to start now. Here daughters response to that was to charge at me (intercepted by her mother) and accuse me of being sexist and misogynistic because I had specified that I would not strike a female.

Her last text message to me today was again to accuse me of being uncaring since I was cutting off their health insurance and she couldn't afford to pay for it.

I will be suing her for divorce with only three intentions. 1) dissolve the marriage. 2) acknowledge the $24,000 I have paid in the last three years for landscaping and to build a front porch, which greatly increased the value of the home and 3) I want visitation rights for my dogs, who she has not allowed me to see since Dec.15.

For those who have actually read all of this, thank you for allowing me to vent.

 

[Rustyoznail]

Just what you need. Another big bowl of shit to deal with.

 

[Dom70]

First things first: I intend to rant about some bullshit that you might not be interested in. Yes, I am looking for sympathy. You have been warned, click away if you don't want to hear it.

so, the Soon-to-be-ex-wife messaged me directly for about the first time in three months. To complain about the fact that her medical insurance has been canceled. Okay... so: the reason she will lose her insurance at the end of the month is because the local Board of Education terminated my contract since I ... well, I don't actually know the full why yet. They did it after not notifying me or attempting to contact me except by mail, which was delivered to my Ex-wifes home, the one she told me never to return to about three months ago. So, I have basically been fired. Of course I haven't actually driven my school bus since Nov. 2023. Speculation about why includes that my FMLA leave period had run out or that they were missing some kind of paperwork. I DID NOT resign or give them any notice of anything.And they STILL have not officially notified me of anything. since said termination was done at the school board meeting on the first Monday of March, my access to their health insurance expires at the end of March.

The cancer center at the hospital responded immediately to my situation and with their help it appears I will be on Medicaid before it affects my chemotherapy. Bravo to the hospital and one particularly efficient client services co-ordinator!

Anyway, since my ex, who also works for the BOE, by the way, was on my health insurance this means she will also lose access. I had been continuing to pay for her and her daughters health insurance out of my own pocket despite her kicking me out of the family home on Dec. 15th. NOW she is upset at me since her health insurance is threatened. She says she cannot pay for the health insurance. Since she started the bitching about money, I pointed out that not only was I not asking her to repay me for the money I have spent on her and her daughter's insurance ,but that she owed me for the phones whose remaining balance Verizon had charged me for immediately after I removed her and her three ADULT children from my phone plan on Feb. 1st. That dollar amount is approx. $1600. My cellphone bill for Feb. was over two thousand dollars.

Her response was to accuse me of removing the, AGAIN I emphasize adult ( all over 21 and gainfully employed) children from the phone plan out of "spite" and to mention that the daughter, who had been trying to get me evicted from family home for well over a year after SHE got evicted from her apartment and moved back in with us head been out of town at the time her phone service ended. I replied that continuing the phone service at my own expense for a full six weeks after she rather forcefully indicated the marriage was over was hardly spiteful, and that perhaps if she had spoken more than ten words to me in the last three months that perhaps things would be going smoother.

Her response to that was to "inform" me that she had paid more than Five grand to make repairs to the room my son moved out of over a year ago and to the downstairs bathroom in my absence. Number one, I don't believe her. Number two, while there were some things about the downstairs bathroom that needed fixing, those things have needed those repairs for a number of years and the only one who had made any effort at repairing those items was yours truly. I repaired a ceiling and wall and built new shelves for the towels. All done with wood that I purchased and /or salvaged from wood pallets in order to retain the bare wood style walls of said bathroom.

This by the way, is the woman who was claiming the moral high ground by saying that despite our separation, she would not divorce me because such might cause a re-evaluation of our health insurance and cause me difficulties in my cancer treatments. I reiterate that I was the one paying for and providing said health insurance, not only for myself but also for her and the twenty-three year old daughter whose most recent words to me were "shut up. I hate your fucking voice."


So , divorce proceedings will soon be under way, because I no longer want to be even tangentially associated with that marriage. I suspect that upon receiving word of such I will again be accused of being "spiteful". Also, I believe she will allege verbal abuse based on comments she made to MY mother about how I yelled all the time and was violent. I certainly have raised my voice a few times over the years, but have never struck even a wall, let alone a person. I was accused by her daughter of being violent in an argument many months ago, to which I responded that I had never hit a woman in my life and did not intend to start now. Here daughters response to that was to charge at me (intercepted by her mother) and accuse me of being sexist and misogynistic because I had specified that I would not strike a female.

Her last text message to me today was again to accuse me of being uncaring since I was cutting off their health insurance and she couldn't afford to pay for it.

I will be suing her for divorce with only three intentions. 1) dissolve the marriage. 2) acknowledge the $24,000 I have paid in the last three years for landscaping and to build a front porch, which greatly increased the value of the home and 3) I want visitation rights for my dogs, who she has not allowed me to see since Dec.15.

For those who have actually read all of this, thank you for allowing me to vent.

Feel for you. Am sorry this is going on

 

[SimonDoom]

Venting is OK. This is a familiar story. I expect you want sympathy rather than advice, but having had some acquaintance with what you are talking about, I'd suggest trying to minimize contact and perhaps keep it in writing as much as you can, always being careful NEVER to say anything in writing you wouldn't want a judge to see. Do what you know is right, but don't ever be guilted into doing something that someone else insists is right when you know it isn't.

You cannot talk reason to unreasonable people, and you certainly cannot ever tell them, "Be more reasonable." Especially going through a divorce.

I don't know if you have enough money to get legal advice, but there's tons of free and useful information about marital rights after divorce online.

Good luck. Hope you get the dogs back.

 

[madelinemasoch]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you’re the better person. Don’t feed into their manipulation. It sounds best to cut ties for now.

 

[nice90sguy]

My own divorce threatened to get very nasty at one point but we managed to reach an agreement. Two of my friends, and my step-daughter were less fortunate, and it got really frought, stressful and painful for them.

The only thing I think will help is to keep a cool head, and to refuse to play the game of who's the more injured party in this situation. And although it's hard to do, you need to have some faith in the judicial system to resolve this. They ought to take into account your full situation.

Compromise is only reached once both parties feel equally ripped off.

 

[Trionyx]

A good mediator will tell both parties that if they are both unhappy at the end of the process, then the mediation was a success.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Ségolène Royal sued for dying father for college money. She was 19. Her father had terminal cancer. He spent his last few years fighting her in courts.
I don't know much about the Royal family. Maybe the man had been a bad husband and a bad father.
For sure, there was not much love and respect lost between them.
Yet, in his old age, and even if his children were adults (over 18) he was expected to give them his money.

 

[SouthernCrossfire]

Tough situation. Wishing you luck and saying a prayer for you.

 

[NoTalentHack]

Venting is OK. This is a familiar story. I expect you want sympathy rather than advice, but having had some acquaintance with what you are talking about, I'd suggest trying to minimize contact and perhaps keep it in writing as much as you can, always being careful NEVER to say anything in writing you wouldn't want a judge to see. Do what you know is right, but don't ever be guilted into doing something that someone else insists is right when you know it isn't.

You cannot talk reason to unreasonable people, and you certainly cannot ever tell them, "Be more reasonable." Especially going through a divorce.

I don't know if you have enough money to get legal advice, but there's tons of free and useful information about marital rights after divorce online.

Good luck. Hope you get the dogs back.

This. Speak through lawyers as much as you can, and record EVERYthing that you can't. Never be alone with her or any of her friends/family; the last thing you want is adding any kind of he said/she said nonsense on top of this.

 

[MrPixel]

I have to ask... what did you do that fostered this much targeted malevolence? That much hatred doesn't appear from out of the blue.

My divorce wasn't exactly amicable, as she went out of her way to "cancel" me and any evidence we had a relationship at all, but nothing like what you have been describing.

 

[onehitwanda]

I have to ask... what did you do that fostered this much targeted malevolence? That much hatred doesn't appear from out of the blue.

My divorce wasn't exactly amicable, as she went out of her way to "cancel" me and any evidence we had a relationship at all, but nothing like what you have been describing.

based on observation, some people just a deep and abiding need to be "Right".

 

[NoTalentHack]

based on observation, some people just a deep and abiding need to be "Right".

Also, if the kids have an axe to grind with the stepdad… yeah, that can get super ugly.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I'm sorry you are dealing with all that.
As others have said, minimize communication unless it is in writing or through a lawyer. I'd be extremely careful even being in proximity to her or her daughter without a witness.
Accusations of sexual abuse against a stepdaughter no matter how implausible can do a tremendous amount of damage to your case.

Also, don't make public or communicate to her that "all you want it..." or she'll move heaven and earth to ensure you don't get it. Ask for more and then you are the decent person willing to compromise in the eyes of the judge or mediator when you take less.

 

[vanmyers86]

I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm twice divorced, and it's a very tough emotional journey at best. Wishing you all good things!

 

[Belegon]

I have to ask... what did you do that fostered this much targeted malevolence? That much hatred doesn't appear from out of the blue.

My divorce wasn't exactly amicable, as she went out of her way to "cancel" me and any evidence we had a relationship at all, but nothing like what you have been describing.

My god , Pix, I wish that I knew. She hasn't given me any explanation. She hasn't spoken to me about any of the challenges in the marriage for well over a year. My therapist and I have found that my confusion and depression over this has been our most common subject for months. She has theorized some things, but they are base on my thoughts and observations, so they could be way off base. The only factor that seems solid is the moving back home of the step-daughter. We've never cared for each others company, and there were several instances of raised voices between us over the years and that pattern continued after she moved back in. When my wife and first got together, the stepdaughter was angry about me taking her place in her mother's bed(not in a certain Lit category way)and having to share some of her mothers affection. It was also always known by me that her father had been verbally abusive towards both of the women in the household --- I have recently learned (from my oldest stepson, who is still talking to me) that the verbal abuse was accompanied by physical abuse.

My therapist has theorized that perhaps some of the yelling between me and stepdaughter triggered a trauma response due to the ex-husbands abuse of both my wife and the children. This seems likely to me but is utterly beyond my control at this point. Perhaps if the communication had been better I could have taken steps to at least subdue my own behavior, if not hers. Another theory is that, considering some of my wifes history, a fear of abandonment has been triggered by my medical struggles. My wife's father deserted the family when his kids were 8 and 10 yrs old, and my wifes next man in her life was not only abusive, but left my wife for another woman he is now married to with two children.

This is not only beyond my control, but may also be beyond hers --- if she is even actively aware of it.

I agree that such a breakdown in our relationship is highly unlikely to be the fault of only one of us. My son has said that I changed, becoming more pessimistic and sometimes more irritable, following the death of my father in 2019.he also says I became even more pessimistic after my heart surgery and cancer diagnosis.

We separated our bedrooms in October of 2022. that was the last time I remember us having a solid discussion about the state of our relationship. During that discussion , she suggested I seek counseling. I did so and I feel it has been productive. However, my wife has steadfastly refused to attend counseling with me or on her own. I feel that if we had started that road together, things would more positive between us. It may or may not have saved the marriage. I'll never know.

 

[SimonDoom]

I feel that if we had started that road together, things would more positive between us. It may or may not have saved the marriage. I'll never know.

My input, based on experience: you never WILL know. Don't eat yourself up about it. All you can control is your own thoughts and your own actions. If you cannot influence your partner's actions during a relationship, you sure as heck can't influence them after it.

 

[MrPixel]

My input, based on experience: you never WILL know.

Concur.

Mine went to total radio silence when I kicked her out of the house. Funny, in retrospect... she didn't push back very much when I told her to leave, almost like she was expecting it. All I knew at that moment is something was very, very wrong, but I had no hard evidence. It was only much later that the pieces fell together revealing her double life. I think she had to shut her mouth to not confirm what she was up to in order to not taint her standing in the divorce distribution. It sure as hell would not have been 50/50 had I known the truth at the time.

 

[FidelityBoss]

First things first: I intend to rant about some bullshit that you might not be interested in. Yes, I am looking for sympathy. You have been warned, click away if you don't want to hear it.

so, the Soon-to-be-ex-wife messaged me directly for about the first time in three months. To complain about the fact that her medical insurance has been canceled. Okay... so: the reason she will lose her insurance at the end of the month is because the local Board of Education terminated my contract since I ... well, I don't actually know the full why yet. They did it after not notifying me or attempting to contact me except by mail, which was delivered to my Ex-wifes home, the one she told me never to return to about three months ago. So, I have basically been fired. Of course I haven't actually driven my school bus since Nov. 2023. Speculation about why includes that my FMLA leave period had run out or that they were missing some kind of paperwork. I DID NOT resign or give them any notice of anything.And they STILL have not officially notified me of anything. since said termination was done at the school board meeting on the first Monday of March, my access to their health insurance expires at the end of March.

The cancer center at the hospital responded immediately to my situation and with their help it appears I will be on Medicaid before it affects my chemotherapy. Bravo to the hospital and one particularly efficient client services co-ordinator!

Anyway, since my ex, who also works for the BOE, by the way, was on my health insurance this means she will also lose access. I had been continuing to pay for her and her daughters health insurance out of my own pocket despite her kicking me out of the family home on Dec. 15th. NOW she is upset at me since her health insurance is threatened. She says she cannot pay for the health insurance. Since she started the bitching about money, I pointed out that not only was I not asking her to repay me for the money I have spent on her and her daughter's insurance ,but that she owed me for the phones whose remaining balance Verizon had charged me for immediately after I removed her and her three ADULT children from my phone plan on Feb. 1st. That dollar amount is approx. $1600. My cellphone bill for Feb. was over two thousand dollars.

Her response was to accuse me of removing the, AGAIN I emphasize adult ( all over 21 and gainfully employed) children from the phone plan out of "spite" and to mention that the daughter, who had been trying to get me evicted from family home for well over a year after SHE got evicted from her apartment and moved back in with us head been out of town at the time her phone service ended. I replied that continuing the phone service at my own expense for a full six weeks after she rather forcefully indicated the marriage was over was hardly spiteful, and that perhaps if she had spoken more than ten words to me in the last three months that perhaps things would be going smoother.

Her response to that was to "inform" me that she had paid more than Five grand to make repairs to the room my son moved out of over a year ago and to the downstairs bathroom in my absence. Number one, I don't believe her. Number two, while there were some things about the downstairs bathroom that needed fixing, those things have needed those repairs for a number of years and the only one who had made any effort at repairing those items was yours truly. I repaired a ceiling and wall and built new shelves for the towels. All done with wood that I purchased and /or salvaged from wood pallets in order to retain the bare wood style walls of said bathroom.

This by the way, is the woman who was claiming the moral high ground by saying that despite our separation, she would not divorce me because such might cause a re-evaluation of our health insurance and cause me difficulties in my cancer treatments. I reiterate that I was the one paying for and providing said health insurance, not only for myself but also for her and the twenty-three year old daughter whose most recent words to me were "shut up. I hate your fucking voice."


So , divorce proceedings will soon be under way, because I no longer want to be even tangentially associated with that marriage. I suspect that upon receiving word of such I will again be accused of being "spiteful". Also, I believe she will allege verbal abuse based on comments she made to MY mother about how I yelled all the time and was violent. I certainly have raised my voice a few times over the years, but have never struck even a wall, let alone a person. I was accused by her daughter of being violent in an argument many months ago, to which I responded that I had never hit a woman in my life and did not intend to start now. Here daughters response to that was to charge at me (intercepted by her mother) and accuse me of being sexist and misogynistic because I had specified that I would not strike a female.

Her last text message to me today was again to accuse me of being uncaring since I was cutting off their health insurance and she couldn't afford to pay for it.

I will be suing her for divorce with only three intentions. 1) dissolve the marriage. 2) acknowledge the $24,000 I have paid in the last three years for landscaping and to build a front porch, which greatly increased the value of the home and 3) I want visitation rights for my dogs, who she has not allowed me to see since Dec.15.

For those who have actually read all of this, thank you for allowing me to vent.

That’s a lot to deal with, cancer, divorce, and all the drama. It sounds like you’re handling it as best you can, even if it’s messy. Venting helps, and it’s good you’re focusing on what matters: your health, your rights, and your dogs. Hang in there, better days are ahead.

 

[FidelityBoss]

My god , Pix, I wish that I knew. She hasn't given me any explanation. She hasn't spoken to me about any of the challenges in the marriage for well over a year. My therapist and I have found that my confusion and depression over this has been our most common subject for months. She has theorized some things, but they are base on my thoughts and observations, so they could be way off base. The only factor that seems solid is the moving back home of the step-daughter. We've never cared for each others company, and there were several instances of raised voices between us over the years and that pattern continued after she moved back in. When my wife and first got together, the stepdaughter was angry about me taking her place in her mother's bed(not in a certain Lit category way)and having to share some of her mothers affection. It was also always known by me that her father had been verbally abusive towards both of the women in the household --- I have recently learned (from my oldest stepson, who is still talking to me) that the verbal abuse was accompanied by physical abuse.

My therapist has theorized that perhaps some of the yelling between me and stepdaughter triggered a trauma response due to the ex-husbands abuse of both my wife and the children. This seems likely to me but is utterly beyond my control at this point. Perhaps if the communication had been better I could have taken steps to at least subdue my own behavior, if not hers. Another theory is that, considering some of my wifes history, a fear of abandonment has been triggered by my medical struggles. My wife's father deserted the family when his kids were 8 and 10 yrs old, and my wifes next man in her life was not only abusive, but left my wife for another woman he is now married to with two children.

This is not only beyond my control, but may also be beyond hers --- if she is even actively aware of it.

I agree that such a breakdown in our relationship is highly unlikely to be the fault of only one of us. My son has said that I changed, becoming more pessimistic and sometimes more irritable, following the death of my father in 2019.he also says I became even more pessimistic after my heart surgery and cancer diagnosis.

We separated our bedrooms in October of 2022. that was the last time I remember us having a solid discussion about the state of our relationship. During that discussion , she suggested I seek counseling. I did so and I feel it has been productive. However, my wife has steadfastly refused to attend counseling with me or on her own. I feel that if we had started that road together, things would more positive between us. It may or may not have saved the marriage. I'll never know.

This sounds incredibly tough, and it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into understanding the situation. Therapy’s a great step, even if it’s just you doing the work. Relationships are complex, especially with past traumas and health challenges in the mix. Keep focusing on your growth and well-being—it’s all you can control. Wishing you strength and clarity moving forward.