What do you do!

[UtilityCurve]

You've been a couple for a long time. You may even be married. Kids maybe.

He has his faults (but really, who doesn't?, and what your besties say about their guys, well, you keep your mouth shut to avoid bragging).

Then one day you find out he’s been hiding something: Not a side piece, not being secretly gay, but something … disturbing.

He watches porn where the apparent appeal is that the girl experiences pain. Maybe it's like when you tried anal (it got good, but that first few minutes, no bueno); maybe the actresses (do people call them that any more?) let things be done to them that you can barely watch: Whips and things, on sensitive parts. Maybe she appears to not know what is coming? He not only looks like he doesn't care, by PREFERS it that way: Her willingness to endure it IS the turn-on, or at least much of it. It's almost sickening, but the guy in the video is undeniably hard and ultimately, he gets off. And your guy has been watching it and you know perfectly well how THAT ends. You knew this shit existed, but you never thought YOUR guy …. Why is that good for guys!

He's the best lover you've ever had, an obvious student of female pleasure. (Sometimes you feel he knows more about your body and it's pleasure than you do.) The most self-centered he's ever been has been to growl (no other word for it) “Take it, bitch,” as he came inside you, but it was thrilling, good, not scary or gross. It made you feel … feminine, vulnerable.

But you can't unsee what you've seen.

What next?

 

[magic_rat]

You either choose to ignore it or you talk about it. If you can't unsee it, talk.

Fantasy isn't real. You might well have fantasies you haven't told your partner, and will never act on. So has he. Fantasy is the place where there are no rules, and it all happens in your head. It's harmless. All the time it doesn't intrude on your life, it's not a problem.

 

[SPARTAN047]

I've noticed that if women like the guy they're with they'll make excuses and let him do all that to her and all her friends.

 

[ShinyCrazyDi]

There's a possibility his taste in porn is completely different from what he wants irl. There's also a possibility that eventually, he'll want to explore some of the fantasies.

You could ignore it, or try to ignore it if you're having a good time, but if it's worrying you, maybe bring it up in a non-confrontational way. Attempt to be open-minded & approach it as a way to 'learn' rather than judge. Ask him if it's something he wants to explore (& to what extent) or if it's separate from your sex life. Find out if he's ever acted on what he's been viewing, if it's an old kink, or brand new. Find out if you're both getting your needs met physically, sexually, emotionally etc. But again, try to have this conversation without it turning into an argument or getting either of your defences up. If you need reassurance, tell him so.

But after you've learned as much information as you can - when you've got a quiet moment to yourself, you can use that information to decide for yourself whether you're satisfied with his answers or not. You can ask yourself how honest you think the conversation was & if you feel assured & safe, or if you're still worried.

Then you've got unlimited options of how to go from there.

You might be intrigued & feel open to exploring it with him
You might want more information, there might be things you didn't realise you wanted answers to
You might feel as though he's not the person you thought you knew & you might need to reconcile your idea of him with the new reality you've been made aware of
You might feel unsafe & want to retreat or leave him or get some space
You might feel angry or betrayed by his answers
You might feel reassured that it's nothing to worry about
You might feel as though it's better to continue as things are, to pretend you don't know & not to change anything
Who can guess?
A MILLION different reactions, none of them wrong, just feelings. Make sure when you're clear-minded & you're able to identify those feelings & examine whatever ones come up.
That will help you decide what's right for YOU & for YOUR RELATIONSHIP for the future. Good luck.

 

[Britva415]

Did this really happen?

I have a feeling it's about to.