What is it about marriage?

[crazybbwgirl]

Great Ohio minds think alike!

 

[Missingmeds]

Great Ohio minds think alike!

That is so true.

 

[captain snakebite]

crazybbw writes - 'And the people who marry over and over and over? I just don't understand.'

Maybe they're just fond of wedding cake?

 

[crazybbwgirl]

crazybbw writes - 'And the people who marry over and over and over? I just don't understand.'
Maybe they're just fond of wedding cake?

Well that would explain a few marriages I know of! lol But I can think of several marriages where the 'wedding' was really what the bride wanted. I don't think they thought thru the rest of their lives?

 

[Missingmeds]

I think that one of the things that causes problems is marriages, (and yes, this is based on personal experience), is that during the "dating and honeymoon" phase, sex is had at every opportunity. Then as things settle in and life happens one or the other partner, for one reason or another, loses their interest. That is what I see most often here on Lit.

That is why it is a good thing to know a partner's sexual history before the marriage and why I think that living together for a while before the marriage is a good thing.

Or using the contract, because that way you would know in five years or so if you are sexually compatable with someone. If the sex drives match.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

OR - just staying single and have lots and lots of really great sex all the time! I vote for that! It works for me!

 

[Missingmeds]

OR - just staying single and have lots and lots of really great sex all the time! I vote for that! It works for me!

And again, great minds in Ohio think alike.

 

[ozbloke1980]

How the hell do I get my husband to bow to my every wim is what I would like to know?

As for ruling the roost I don't know about that, but I sure am the only one cleaning it.


We lived together for three years. Planned on getting married eventually because we loved each other and knew we would be together forever. What decided it for sure was that the state of Florida wouldn't let him claim me on his tax return even though he had suported me that whole year. We went down and got married by the county clerk the next day.

Well for starters I wouldn't bother. Trying to get your man to bow to your every wim is in my view a way of changing him

RECIPE FOR DISASTER!!!!

 

[ozbloke1980]

Then again I don't wanna go through teh samne shit my old man went through

 

[je404ucd]

my take on marriage is that it should be more like getting a gender change.

Before getting a gender change people are strongly urged (the surgeons often have therapists on their payroll in the office) to live a year in the role of their wanted gender before they undergo the operation.

Marriage should be much the same. The couple should live together for at least a year before getting hitched.

 

[Missingmeds]

my take on marriage is that it should be more like getting a gender change.

Before getting a gender change people are strongly urged (the surgeons often have therapists on their payroll in the office) to live a year in the role of their wanted gender before they undergo the operation.

Marriage should be much the same. The couple should live together for at least a year before getting hitched.

Been there and done that, and it still ended up 15 years later in divorce. So the co-habitation thing is not really a valid point in my book.

 

[SlvrTongueDevil]

Good question. I would have been perfectly happy with cohabitation and a "committed relationship", but the decision to get married boiled down to two things (apart from love): Society and Economics.

1) Society (including our parents) expected us to get married. I'm not opposed to breaking societal norms, but following them by getting married has certainly made things easier in this situation. It's easier to be able to sleep together when we visit our relatives. It's easier to deal with the daily stuff like calling the cable company. When the time comes, we will be able to make important decisions for eachother if one of us is incapacitated. It might even be easier for our kids to come from a marriage (I remember classmates being teased about being bastard children). Even with the number of horrible marriages and the staggering divorce rates, our society readily accepts "marriage" over "shacking up", and those who are married are often treated better, even in very small ways. I don't agree with it, but that's been my experience thus far.

2) Economics is the sole historical purpose of marriage. We had already merged our finances before marriage, but having that piece of paper makes a lot of financial matters (investments, loans, banking, insurance, etc.) a lot easier. The legal system provides financial protection for married people in terms of wills and marriage and family laws. Again, I don't agree that this is the best way to go, but it's easier sometimes.

Marriage obviously does not work for most people. I might be overly optimistic, but I believe it can work if people really analyze their decision to get married and future spouse very closely before they say "I do" and then both partners give their best effort everyday to keep the relationship going.

Just my $.02

What she said!!

 

[BBW Fan]

I know I'm the ood man out here, but I totally disagree with you people.

If you are just looking for sex and sexual fulfillment only, then ok.. don't get married. You can get that stuff from just about anywhere. But if you are looking for true love and commitment, marriage is the best way to go.
Is it hard?
of course
Is it painful?
sometimes
Any regrets?
No way!!
I would rather share in this love that I share with my wife and for some reason not be able to have sex ever again.. then to have mind blowing sex every night. Love is that powerful. If you have never experienced that sort of love, then I pray that you will one day. Marriage is about that sort of love, and outside of that then marriage really doesn't make sense.
Sex should be the daughter of Love, but in today's society we try to make Love the daughter of Sex. And we wonder why the divorce rate is where it is today? Have we totally lost the meaning behind marriage in the first place??

"Love is patient, Love is kind, Love never fails"

Of course, you have your right to your opinion and the freedom to choose how you want to live your life, but I love my wife dearly and would not want to trade our realtionship in for a casual sex partner.. even though she's REAL good.

 

[je404ucd]

Been there and done that, and it still ended up 15 years later in divorce. So the co-habitation thing is not really a valid point in my book.

Didn't say it would make it work out, just meant it would probably weed out a portion.

 

[Missingmeds]

I know I'm the ood man out here, but I totally disagree with you people.

If you are just looking for sex and sexual fulfillment only, then ok.. don't get married. You can get that stuff from just about anywhere. But if you are looking for true love and commitment, marriage is the best way to go.
Is it hard?
of course
Is it painful?
sometimes
Any regrets?
No way!!
I would rather share in this love that I share with my wife and for some reason not be able to have sex ever again.. then to have mind blowing sex every night. Love is that powerful. If you have never experienced that sort of love, then I pray that you will one day. Marriage is about that sort of love, and outside of that then marriage really doesn't make sense.
Sex should be the daughter of Love, but in today's society we try to make Love the daughter of Sex. And we wonder why the divorce rate is where it is today? Have we totally lost the meaning behind marriage in the first place??

"Love is patient, Love is kind, Love never fails"

Of course, you have your right to your opinion and the freedom to choose how you want to live your life, but I love my wife dearly and would not want to trade our realtionship in for a casual sex partner.. even though she's REAL good.

You know, this is just a personal observation, but I have heard all that before, and it usually from a man that has been in a marriage for a few years and the woman that he loves has cut off all sex or severely limited it for some reason.

 

[Nightblade]

Bobmi, I do not believe that most marriages are destined to fail. The fact that over half of marriages end in divorce and there are so many unhappily married people out there is a wake-up call for me. It speaks to the fact that marriage requires a lot of prior thought before and effort during to be successful. If anything, the statistics have made me think long and hard about my decision to marry, and will continue to spur me to give 110% to make it work. I'm confident in our decision and commitment to beating those odds. I know we CAN beat the odds.

so, by this reasoning, you rely on statistics to make your decision about marriage? ...am i understanding you correctly? ...if that's the case, whatever happened to getting married because you Love someone? ...regardless of what the statistics show...? ...this isn't a business venture, it's a lifetime commitment between people who wish to share themselves intimately...

the idea of contract marriages, to me, strips away the very essence, humanity, and intimacy of said union in the first place...i can't imagine formulating what is supposed to be a romantic union with the same material that people put their legal signature to when financing a car or a house...or brokering a land deal...but that's just me...sure, marriage has all its legal/societal benefits and such...but, really, my Wife and myself lived together for about 3 years before getting married or benefitting from the act of marriage in the societal/legal/economic sense...

we wrote our own vows, held our own ceremony, and chose only our closest friends and relatives to attend...we even got married on Halloween, and everyone who attended (Bride and Groom too) was in costume...there was no church involved, no 'institution' to strangle the Life out of marriage by imposing archaic notions of obedience...the only 'legal' part was the consent and decree of the local justice of the peace to make the marriage legal in the state of Texas...

now, of course i'm going to spout off this business about my feelings...it is, after all, my particular programming...

but marriages, like anything else in Life, are only as healthy and productive as the people that are involved in them...it is continuous effort, work, growth, and change...it requires communication, respect, and understanding...but MOST IMPORTANTLY...it requires that each partner can recognize that they are infact separate individuals, with their own identities, thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, doubts, fears, and so forth...none of this we are as one...so we must think, act, and feel alike business...and that, even amidst the wonderful marriage, there will still be times and feelings of lonliness and unhappiness...

i've heard so many stories about divorce...embittered people who proactively seek to tell other people of their misery...their mistakes...their poor choices...and want to run down marriage for everyone else...and why? because they had a painful/dreadful/unhappy/abusive marriage and so they seek to tell everyone else not to get married...or how much of a terrible idea it is...now, granted, not everyone is like this...but still, it's alot more common than you might think...

anyhoo, just my useless prattle here...sorry to be so long-winded...

 

[Missingmeds]

Two words jumped out at me in that post.

each partner

Both partners have to be willing to do whatever is required of them to make it work. And that is not usually what happens.

Just for the record, I am not bitter about my divorce. It was the best thing that I ever did for me. I am just not monogamy minded.

 

[Nightblade]

Two words jumped out at me in that post.

each partner

Both partners have to be willing to do whatever is required of them to make it work. And that is not usually what happens.

Just for the record, I am not bitter about my divorce. It was the best thing that I ever did for me. I am just not monogamy minded.

oh, i wasn't implying that anyone here in this thread is bitter about divorce...i'm talking about people that have spoken this either to me or my Wife in real time...

sorry i didn't clarify on that in my earlier post...i was just speaking in general terms, of the experience as a whole...

 

[BBW Fan]

You know, this is just a personal observation, but I have heard all that before, and it usually from a man that has been in a marriage for a few years and the woman that he loves has cut off all sex or severely limited it for some reason.

I have not been married that long.. only 5 years, so that is a valid point. But we have an extremely active sex life, and experimental as well. Sex is not lacking in our relationship.

Let me ask you this... With the sixties came the idea of free love ("make love, not war") and such mentality is still around today. Everything is permissiable between consenting adults, yes? Now, think about the marriages that took place before this sexual revolution. How many couples do you know that have been married for 40+ years, and still happy.. and most probably still sexually active (sure, they might need Viagra)? We have gotten to a point in our society where the present day is all that we consider.

Again, this is my opinion, and you can disagree if you want.

 

[jaded_lily]

i married him because i love, and from the first day i met him i knew we would be together. we've lived together for 3 yrs and have been through so much. but the only reason i married him is because i love him..

 

[SweetErika]

so, by this reasoning, you rely on statistics to make your decision about marriage? ...am i understanding you correctly? ...if that's the case, whatever happened to getting married because you Love someone? ...regardless of what the statistics show...? ...this isn't a business venture, it's a lifetime commitment between people who wish to share themselves intimately...

No, you did not understand me correctly. If I had gone by the statistics, I wouldn't be sitting here happily married to my best friend and the person I love more than anything in this world. I'm simply saying that the statistics made me carefully consider marriage and they make me work harder at keeping it together. Love is a major factor, but I wouldn't marry just because I loved a person (if that were the deciding factor, I'd be a divorcee several times over by now)...there are many other facets of our relationship that went into this decision. Nor would I marry someone I didn't really love.

 

[Nightblade]

No, you did not understand me correctly. If I had gone by the statistics, I wouldn't be sitting here happily married to my best friend and the person I love more than anything in this world. I'm simply saying that the statistics made me carefully consider marriage and they make me work harder at keeping it together. Love is a major factor, but I wouldn't marry just because I loved a person (if that were the deciding factor, I'd be a divorcee several times over by now)...there are many other facets of our relationship that went into this decision. Nor would I marry someone I didn't really love.

ok, thanks for helping me understand your position on this...

 

[SweetErika]

ok, thanks for helping me understand your position on this...

No problem! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify.

 

[Ricwilly]

Personal choice I think. I always thought I'b be just as happy in a committed realtionship and maybe so but I got drunk and asked my baby to marry me after living together for six months. That was almost twenty years ago and I would do it again.

 

[warrior queen]

the problem with marriage, is that these days, people do not learn how to compromise/get on with others/live in harmony.
we're such an isolationist society now: personal space is so important to us, that we have actually gone too far away from the close physical and psychological connections - valueing our 'privacy' to the extent that we no longer know how to BE with other people.

marriage/divorce rates have become a sad indictment of our inability as individuals to make the adjustments necessary to successfully compromise to sustain monogomous unions.

not all, of course - there are always exceptions to the trends - but enough that we need to consider teaching the next generation how to do this.