What would you do if you were me?

[John_Smith123]

I've never had any friends. When in school, I was one of those kids who were sitting all alone. Things didn't get better in my adult life. I've never had sex. I don't talk to my parents or siblings, I never got along with them.

When I was 18, I was an excellent student, and I could've entered college, but I didn't, because I was afraid.

I've been perma banned from countless forums online. Even when I tried to be polite, even when I followed all the rules, even when mods assured me they wouldn't ban me as long as I followed the rules. The mods never responded to my appeals. Nobody ever told me why they perma banned me, so I don't know how to improve my behavior, because no one ever tells me what I do wrong.

The previous time I joined this forum, everything went well for a while, until someone complained that all I do is ask questions without writing any stories. That made me believe I would soon be perma banned from here too, and I kept believing that. No matter what the forum's members told me, I insisted it was predestined for me to be perma banned sooner or later.

When someone mocked me about that, I started insulting all of you, and that led to my perma ban (which would've happened sooner or later anyway). I thought that being banned and getting it over with would liberate me. However, I didn't feel liberated after all. So I appealed to the mods here too, and, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, they didn't respond to my appeal.

A few months later, I came back with this account, which is a dupe account, and apologized, which was pointless, since no one seems to remember anything from my previous account. Anyway, although I wasn't instantly banned again for having a dupe account, I still don't feel liberated. I'm suffocating. I want to go back to the way I used to be on this forum at first, when I was just asking questions and having fun, but I can't.

So, all in all, in my 37, without a social circle, without serious career prospects, having wasted my life (and having no hopes for a rewarding afterlife, since I'm an atheist), being disliked by everyone, and doomed to always be banned from forums without knowing why, what would you do if you were me? Would you kill yourself? If so, how? Mind, I can't afford to travel to a place where assisted suicide is legal, so if I do it, I need a way to do it where I live.

Also, I can't afford therapy, so don't suggest that either.

 

[summer_reine]

That really sucks. The life you are living is brutal and you don't deserve the pain you have survived. I offer no platitudes that it might get better but it definitely won't if you stop now. As someone with the scars to prove I've been where you are, I'd like to offer a simple phrase 'stay for one more day'.

I mean.. you've already been through over 10,000. One more day can't really hurt worse.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Uh… you’re 37 and never went to college. So… now’s a good time to go.

Honestly, an online forum isn’t going to help. You’re not at the Maslow level where communication and self-fulfillment are meaningful. You’re at like… level 2 or so. Right above physical needs, you need a sense of security.

If you don’t think college is worthwhile, have you given thought to a trade program, like AC repair or carpentry? If you’re not disabled and have a brain, it’s really not too late for anything.

Also, if you need a hard and fast rule, then here’s basically what to do… say nice thing about people, once or twice. And dont insult people.

 

[M_K_Babalon]

You're back again‽ You were getting on everybody's nerves because you were being so fickle about what you were "writing", and being super depressed to the point that anybody with empathy stopped giving a shit. I'm pretty sure the AH will remember you well.

 

[John_Smith123]

Uh… you’re 37 and never went to college. So… now’s a good time to go.

Honestly, an online forum isn’t going to help. You’re not at the Maslow level where communication and self-fulfillment are meaningful. You’re at like… level 2 or so. Right above physical needs, you need a sense of security.

If you don’t think college is worthwhile, have you given thought to a trade program, like AC repair or carpentry? If you’re not disabled and have a brain, it’s really not too late for anything.

Also, if you need a hard and fast rule, then here’s basically what to do… say nice thing about people, once or twice. And dont insult people.

I tried everything. There were forums where I was nice to people and still got banned.

 

[John_Smith123]

You're back again‽ You were getting on everybody's nerves because you were being so fickle about what you were "writing", and being super depressed to the point that anybody with empathy stopped giving a shit. I'm pretty sure the AH will remember you well.

What do you mean? What happened at AH?

 

[M_K_Babalon]

Dude... I ain't forgot much, don't play innocent. You happened in the AH.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

YOU AGAIN ! Dude go outside and get a life.

Your cousin Gerard on 'Everybody loves Raymond"