🎵 Monthly Song Challenge 🎵
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- Start date
UnquietDreams
Bad at Lit
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2023
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Day 20: A song about a toxic relationship
This may get long, so go to the song if you don't want to read it. It's Hozier. You like Hozier.
I was in an abusive relationship for a very long time. It was mostly emotionally abusive -- when I had a depressive reaction to being laid off a job I loved, she saw it as just another failure in my life. One of many, as she saw it. My depression expresses itself by me losing energy and focus, and when I didn't immediately jump up after getting knocked down, she lost what respect she had for me. I didn't react the way her father would have, so I wasn't reacting like a man should. And when someone feels contempt, it is hard to go back. So she would become angry at something I did, or didn't do, or she thought I did, and tear into me. Viciously. Though we went to counseling, multiple times, and she knew how to keep an argument on topic, she rarely did, instead ranging up and down our time together to find any way to hurt me. And I took it, usually just standing there silently. Partly because I didn't necessarily disagree-- self-worth his not my strongest personality trait. Partly because I was so fucking tired. But mostly, this was how I paid The Rent, this was the cost for keeping my daughter in a "stable" household -- because apart from that, things stayed stable. Apart from that. And allowing her that pressure release kept her focused on me. She never turned this on my daughter. So, I told myself, it was worth it. It didn't happen all the time, so it was worth it. Change may have been worse, and I want to keep things the way they were. I was willing to compromise so much to get along. I stayed in situations -- jobs, other relationships -- that I should have left because I didn't want to lose what I had. (This, unfortunately, hasn't changed much, anywhere.)
It was mostly emotional. Mostly. But she would also get mad and throw things, not always careful of where they landed, and thus broke some of her own things. That would be my fault. And she would slap. And she would punch. Those were my fault as well. If I hadn't done what I did, right? So it was my fault she had to get that mad. She knew hitting me was safe, because she knew I wouldn't hit back. I wouldn't even block -- in boxing, I was a counter-puncher, blocking to hit you back harder and better. If I tried to block, there was a possibility I would automatically hit back by muscle memory. So I would take the blow, every fucking time. There are hundreds of reasons I could give why I wouldn't hit a person I still, god help me, loved. But also? If she hit me, and I hit back in self defense, I would be the one behind bars, and where would my kid be then? Our society is fucked up on violence in general, but female on male violence even more so. It is seen as a joke. I was bigger, stronger. I boxed, wrestled, played football. How was I in danger from this little woman? How could I call myself a man if I admitted she physically abused me? I brought it up in counseling once. The councilor, a man, told me I should just avoid her when she got mad. How the fuck was I going to take this to anyone? My friends? My family? The cops? I didn't. I paid the Rent. I took the hit, paid the cost. And she was abused by her mom, who was mentally ill and had violence issues, hit her daughter too. So it really wasn't entirely my wife's fault -- that was what I thought. And maybe, I would think, maybe I was shit. Worthless. I thought, "maybe I deserved it." So I was willing to take it for the sake of the relationship. And I am not the only one to make this choice.
"I walk my life on a wire."
Oh, fuck, I feel that line. Still.
"The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine."
This is a beautiful, horrible song.
"Her fight and fury is fiery
Oh but she loves
Like sleep to the freezing"
If you are freezing, and you sleep, you die, quietly. But it looks so appealing, that peace. So fucking accurate. Your soul, your mind, your you, slowly going.
This song encapsulates the justifications I made, the feelings I felt. I love it and hate it.
"Cherry Wine (live)," Hozier.
When we divorced, mandatory anger counseling was in the decree. I demanded it.
I went long. I'm sorry.
This may get long, so go to the song if you don't want to read it. It's Hozier. You like Hozier.
I was in an abusive relationship for a very long time. It was mostly emotionally abusive -- when I had a depressive reaction to being laid off a job I loved, she saw it as just another failure in my life. One of many, as she saw it. My depression expresses itself by me losing energy and focus, and when I didn't immediately jump up after getting knocked down, she lost what respect she had for me. I didn't react the way her father would have, so I wasn't reacting like a man should. And when someone feels contempt, it is hard to go back. So she would become angry at something I did, or didn't do, or she thought I did, and tear into me. Viciously. Though we went to counseling, multiple times, and she knew how to keep an argument on topic, she rarely did, instead ranging up and down our time together to find any way to hurt me. And I took it, usually just standing there silently. Partly because I didn't necessarily disagree-- self-worth his not my strongest personality trait. Partly because I was so fucking tired. But mostly, this was how I paid The Rent, this was the cost for keeping my daughter in a "stable" household -- because apart from that, things stayed stable. Apart from that. And allowing her that pressure release kept her focused on me. She never turned this on my daughter. So, I told myself, it was worth it. It didn't happen all the time, so it was worth it. Change may have been worse, and I want to keep things the way they were. I was willing to compromise so much to get along. I stayed in situations -- jobs, other relationships -- that I should have left because I didn't want to lose what I had. (This, unfortunately, hasn't changed much, anywhere.)
It was mostly emotional. Mostly. But she would also get mad and throw things, not always careful of where they landed, and thus broke some of her own things. That would be my fault. And she would slap. And she would punch. Those were my fault as well. If I hadn't done what I did, right? So it was my fault she had to get that mad. She knew hitting me was safe, because she knew I wouldn't hit back. I wouldn't even block -- in boxing, I was a counter-puncher, blocking to hit you back harder and better. If I tried to block, there was a possibility I would automatically hit back by muscle memory. So I would take the blow, every fucking time. There are hundreds of reasons I could give why I wouldn't hit a person I still, god help me, loved. But also? If she hit me, and I hit back in self defense, I would be the one behind bars, and where would my kid be then? Our society is fucked up on violence in general, but female on male violence even more so. It is seen as a joke. I was bigger, stronger. I boxed, wrestled, played football. How was I in danger from this little woman? How could I call myself a man if I admitted she physically abused me? I brought it up in counseling once. The councilor, a man, told me I should just avoid her when she got mad. How the fuck was I going to take this to anyone? My friends? My family? The cops? I didn't. I paid the Rent. I took the hit, paid the cost. And she was abused by her mom, who was mentally ill and had violence issues, hit her daughter too. So it really wasn't entirely my wife's fault -- that was what I thought. And maybe, I would think, maybe I was shit. Worthless. I thought, "maybe I deserved it." So I was willing to take it for the sake of the relationship. And I am not the only one to make this choice.
"I walk my life on a wire."
Oh, fuck, I feel that line. Still.
"The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine."
This is a beautiful, horrible song.
"Her fight and fury is fiery
Oh but she loves
Like sleep to the freezing"
If you are freezing, and you sleep, you die, quietly. But it looks so appealing, that peace. So fucking accurate. Your soul, your mind, your you, slowly going.
This song encapsulates the justifications I made, the feelings I felt. I love it and hate it.
"Cherry Wine (live)," Hozier.
When we divorced, mandatory anger counseling was in the decree. I demanded it.
I went long. I'm sorry.
lavendersilk
😻ChildlessCatLady😻
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2006
- Posts
- 7,650
Day 20: A song about a toxic relationship
One Of Your Girls - Troy Sivan
One Of Your Girls - Troy Sivan
vagrantx
Femdom in hiding
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2023
- Posts
- 4,127
I think, only Monkey'll skip this one. And you're fine. Thank you for sharing. Really.
Also, long-distance-mega-hug
vagrantx
Femdom in hiding
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2023
- Posts
- 4,127
Day 20: A song about a toxic relationship
Heartthrob is one of those albums that just clicks. Every single song is perfect, and if it was allowed I'd post the entire thing here for this prompt. But I can't, so I'll settle for one...
Tegan and Sara - I Was A Fool
Heartthrob is one of those albums that just clicks. Every single song is perfect, and if it was allowed I'd post the entire thing here for this prompt. But I can't, so I'll settle for one...
Tegan and Sara - I Was A Fool
