KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
I don't believe this should have been in the erotic couplings category, it should have been put in incest because a large number of people find incest revolting. Dunno how it slipped by Laurel. Next time, pick the category based on the "offensiveness" rating, I would think.
I have to agree that the opening sex scene is gratuitous. It's like watching a depends commercial with a naked playboy model prancing around. It's a great hook, but it doesn't do a damned thing for the story.
The description of Sue, beginning where she looked in the mirror, is mediocre. I read the first line and had to force myself to the read the rest. I would have skipped this all together or had another character describe her. It's boring and the entire personal catalog of appearance is, well, boring to read. I don't think there's a nicer way of putting. I'm sorry.
Salt your descriptions through the story or leave them out altogether. You're writing a short story where word economy and descriptive narrative clash like a pair of dall sheep.
I believe that you're overfond of attributives. Take, for example:
"I do love the way your shy little sister plays hard-to-get," Jessie said to Kirk as he followed after her.
There are two men in the room. Only one is related to Sue. You had no need to tag this. "...hard-to-get." Jessie followed after her. Less words and tighter prose keep your reader's attention.
The last problem I noticed was the lack of believability. I just didn't believe this. Perhaps I'm too jaded, but I think it had more to do with too much sex and not enough character development. If these people really are like this, well, they're the kind of people that I don't particularly like. They're very, very shallow. They have no emotions and no depth. They apparently have no concern about the taboo they break.
However, I will say this much. I think you write great pornography. You don't have to be a good story writer to get someone off and I bet this story gets a lot of people off. If that's your sole goal, you've acheived it. For someone like me, it didn't spark any interest. Not my fetishes and the writing was a little tedious to read.
My advice:
Edit. Next time you write a story, let it sit for a week or so and then cut out no less than 10% of the word count.
Sacrifice sex for character development. Use the characters as a hook, rather than the tried and true gimmick. You're at a porno archive site. We know there will be sex in the story. Sex itself is not enough to grab attention and hold it. There are no new plots under the porno sun, so you'll have to make the situation interesting and fresh through character.
I have to agree that the opening sex scene is gratuitous. It's like watching a depends commercial with a naked playboy model prancing around. It's a great hook, but it doesn't do a damned thing for the story.
The description of Sue, beginning where she looked in the mirror, is mediocre. I read the first line and had to force myself to the read the rest. I would have skipped this all together or had another character describe her. It's boring and the entire personal catalog of appearance is, well, boring to read. I don't think there's a nicer way of putting. I'm sorry.
Salt your descriptions through the story or leave them out altogether. You're writing a short story where word economy and descriptive narrative clash like a pair of dall sheep.
I believe that you're overfond of attributives. Take, for example:
"I do love the way your shy little sister plays hard-to-get," Jessie said to Kirk as he followed after her.
There are two men in the room. Only one is related to Sue. You had no need to tag this. "...hard-to-get." Jessie followed after her. Less words and tighter prose keep your reader's attention.
The last problem I noticed was the lack of believability. I just didn't believe this. Perhaps I'm too jaded, but I think it had more to do with too much sex and not enough character development. If these people really are like this, well, they're the kind of people that I don't particularly like. They're very, very shallow. They have no emotions and no depth. They apparently have no concern about the taboo they break.
However, I will say this much. I think you write great pornography. You don't have to be a good story writer to get someone off and I bet this story gets a lot of people off. If that's your sole goal, you've acheived it. For someone like me, it didn't spark any interest. Not my fetishes and the writing was a little tedious to read.
My advice:
Edit. Next time you write a story, let it sit for a week or so and then cut out no less than 10% of the word count.
Sacrifice sex for character development. Use the characters as a hook, rather than the tried and true gimmick. You're at a porno archive site. We know there will be sex in the story. Sex itself is not enough to grab attention and hold it. There are no new plots under the porno sun, so you'll have to make the situation interesting and fresh through character.
