21·Aug·2006 · "Gematria" · MyNecroticSnail

[neonflux]

Place needs more people like you, although I thought it was as transparent as glass ~but then, I wrote it.

Your comments have great validity. This is a good catch, and an excellent statement. And you may presume that if I rewrite it, I will consider this and all comments given.
Thank you. This place needs more like you!

I'm glad that you found my comments helpful. And a big thank you for so warmly welcoming me to this community.

 

[Cub4ucme]

Gematria
by MyNecroticSnail

Thirty-four flames on the moon pie
dimly do they shine.
Champagne, noo! Paper cups - Nehi
I count eight, maybe nine.

A coven in the moon pie night,
A celebration of poetry dying,
A scene of some demotic rite,
of writing without even trying.

The nabors heard 400 wails
of pallid verse and livid rime
and pyled off the trail, the entrails
of Miss Muse, a crime

(Count to here, do you smell the burning
of numbers undergoing fucking?
Really now, no fucking ducking!
The numbers real, you should be learning.)

scene so horrific, marked by star,
the five points of nether heaven.
The trod of twenty feet, bizarre,
sixty-eight empty shoes, eleven

barefoot with a hundred lame excuses
of who, what, where; alibis
of how they could not murder muses.

After all the truth is lies

And four sadly equals seven.

(Count to here, do you smell the burning
of numbers undergoing fucking?
Really now, no fucking ducking!
The numbers reel, you should be learning.)​

Most important, did I get the rhymes right?? and the numbers?
Does it have too many adverbs? adjectives? Is it too diluted?

I would like this more if it didn't come across as if it is trying too hard
to be cute.

FUCKING/DUCKING --- too predictable for what I think you were after.
The next line however, gets the poem going in the right direction again.

I'd look to work on this.


It has a definate desire to LIFT OFF THE PAGE,
so to speak.

A couple of other nits: 1) I see no reason for nabors instead of neighbors
once again, too cute.

2)2nd line first strophe---- dimly do they shine I know what your intent was but it's worded
too much like a question and might cause
readers to stumble. It could be easily corrected,
and isn't that big an issue, except it's right
at the beginning of the poem, which is where
you might want to cut out the risk of losing
a reader.


Subjective, of course:

best,
andy

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

points well put,
points well taken

done in a day
after being called a pussy
think of it as a protest poem
I'm an angry guy
what else can I say

 

[FifthFlower]

Gematria
by MyNecroticSnail

Thirty-four flames on the moon pie
dimly do they shine.
Champagne, noo! Paper cups - Nehi
I count eight, maybe nine.

...

(Count to here, do you smell the burning
of numbers undergoing fucking?
Really now, no fucking ducking!
The numbers real, you should be learning.)

...

After all the truth is lies

...​

The meter is not uniform, and so I'm puzzled why you bother with rhyme at all. This is how I would say the first stanza (caps are accented syllables):


THIR-ty-four FLAMES on the MOON pie
DIM-ly do they SHINE.
CHAM-pagne, NOO! PA-per CUPS - NE-hi
I count EIGHT, MAY-be NINE.

There may be other ways to say this without sounding strange, but there does not appear to be any metrical regularity here.

Regarding the content, I'll admit to being lost. From the comments, some people seemed to understand. I'll admit that I didn't. The refrain, however, appears sarcastic, like you wanted to tell someone off, but switched to sarcasm rather than anger. So does the line about "truth" and "lies". I would have liked to know more about what was bothering you. Then I could decide if I should sympathesize or not.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

The meter is not uniform, and so I'm puzzled why you bother with rhyme at all. This is how I would say the first stanza (caps are accented syllables):


THIR-ty-four FLAMES on the MOON pie
DIM-ly do they SHINE.
CHAM-pagne, NOO! PA-per CUPS - NE-hi
I count EIGHT, MAY-be NINE.

There may be other ways to say this without sounding strange, but there does not appear to be any metrical regularity here.

Regarding the content, I'll admit to being lost. From the comments, some people seemed to understand. I'll admit that I didn't. The refrain, however, appears sarcastic, like you wanted to tell someone off, but switched to sarcasm rather than anger. So does the line about "truth" and "lies". I would have liked to know more about what was bothering you. Then I could decide if I should sympathesize or not.

explained earlier, but belated thanks for the comment
a scam of a sham it was
or was it a sham of a scam
Doesn't matter.

 

[MasterOfX]

Getting Gematria

[3,1] "The nabors heard 400 wails" Unless Jim Nabors has 400 songs or 400 verses in all his songs, I'm forced to presume you meant neighbors; however you reference pyle in [3,3] as a verb, which I originally tried to make a play on pyre, but it makes the reference to Jim Nabors unmistakable. I find myself curious as to the significance of the number. This early in the poem am I finding myself referring to references, it is humbling and therefore captures my attention, forcing me to move onward; thus far, I like.

[4,1] I must agree with average gina's suggestion of removing the word the before burning. But in [4,2], I think it flows better without the preposition; if both the and of were removed it would flow off the tongue much better and still be grammatically and logically correct. (not that grammar rules supreme in poetry)

as to the question on the numbers, I'm not really sure what you're asking there; the poem is rife with numbers, and I'm sitting here as I type running analysis on them - on how I wish I'd taken statistics more seriously LOL. Oh how I do enjoy a riddle in a rhyme.

I'm almost certain you mean to use real and reel in the two different verses, for they are certainly reeling me in; I must admit that I am intrigued.

as to the adverbs and adjectives, I think they're just fine, personally, but then I can't be certain as to the true purpose of the rhyme as I haven't quite computed the mathematical riddle; but then perhaps there isn't one after all. Just because numbers are real doesn't mean they have a difinitive purpose.

Now, after reading cherries on snow's entry, I see the numbers may, indeed, serve a purpose beyond pure mathematical riddles, I'm thankful, as I found myself looking for patterns to evolve so hard that I began to create them.

She makes a good point, if a system can be abused, it will be; if indeed your poem is meant to strike at that, it's well said and entertaining even standing completely on its own. I began reading this with an expectation that it was somehow Wiccan based, simply because I saw a few things that reminded me of such rituals. Basicly, whatever the purpose of the poem, I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially reading it out loud.

What I have enjoyed most about this poem is that it made me think, it made me open the dictionary and look up a few things; I'm almost ashamed to admit as a poet that I had never realized rhyme could be spelled rime. After reading the responses to this poem, I feel at once like a Johnny Come Lately, which is novel, yet appropos; After all, I am.

I'd have to agree with Tzara's comment on the capitalization, though I generally capitalize every new line in my poems for structure's sake, I know it doesn't fall in line with the grammatical standard, but I tend to do it consisently, meaning every new line is capitalized. I noticed that in this poem it wasn't consistent; I'm not quite sure that was intentional.

In response to TheRainMan, I would have to disagree with much of what he said regarding the general reader. I think that some poetry should be written in a manner that it can be understood without openning a reference; however, I think that in order to expand a reader's horizons he should be pushed to step up his vocabulary skills. If we, as writers, are forced to be continually considerate of the readers current comprehension level, then we are stymied from stage 1, and will miss out on niches we may have otherwise desired to pursue. Shakespeare wrote on multiple levels so that the common man could walk away with as full an experience as the educated man; but those experiences were often quite different. It's one of the things that always perplexed my mother, that I would sit and read Shakespeare as a child and die laughing;

All in all, I enjoyed the poem. It's clear that much of its intent escaped me as a Johnny Come Lately, but I am thankful for the opportunity to expand my horizons. In addition, this entry offers me an enjoyment similar to that of Green Eggs and Ham in that it's simply fun to read out loud, though not quite as lengthy.

I'm looking forward to reading some of your other entries.

MasterOfX

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

[3,1]


I'm almost certain you mean to use real and reel in the two different verses, for they are certainly reeling me in; I must admit that I am intrigued.


MasterOfX

I did.

To be honest more time was spent on the numbers than on the compostion count to here the numbers added should be 451 and 666 refering to Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 and the number of the beast (Nero). It relies solely on one poetic tool. It is deliberately childish, hokey, nonsensical and thereforth an apt representation of a clique that was in full force or is that fool a year ago. Hopefully, they grew up.
I'm glad you had fun with it, I did.
I thank you for the detailed analysis <snigger, he said de-tailed
Peace,
and Good Luck on your writing and your feedback.
MNS
its a MissioN Statement

Please,
no more comments on this, I do not want to seem rude by not responding.