21·Sept·2005 · "Pay Up" · wildsweetone

[Guest]

Pay Up

Steam curls from a Styrofoam cup
hot chocolate and marshmallows
stir her saliva. The cherry
chequered table is steadied
by folded cardboard shoved
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays on the jukebox
down the back corner of Becky’s.
A chair screams, metal on concrete,
as an unwashed body shudders
on cold ground in the alley.
A growing red stain surges
to the storm water and a silver stiletto
protrudes from a fat gurgling gut.
She gulps the milky chocolate,
and pockets the rate he owed.​

Any other comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

1. Is this poem too short?

Please see the response to question #2.

2. Does it get across an entire 'story'?

It took me two reads to get the jist of this poem. I was alittle startled after reading it the first time and then going back again and reading it I realized that there was a large amount of starkness to it that kind of slaps the reader in the face when the end comes because of the abrupt change from something that appears to be pleasent but truly is not. Then again maybe that is the whole being of the piece.... something that is extremely pleasent for one person (the 'he') and extremely unpleasent for another (Madam Stilletto).

3. Does the image of the premises come across clearly?

Please see #2.

4. Is there poetic language? How could this be improved?

I am not sure that I really hear a voice here but more like.... an echo whispering in the back of my mind. It's like walking down a busy city street and not really being aware of anything except what you truly are paying attention to however there are a hundred little things going on all around you.

5. Do the line breaks I chose, work?

They work with the rest of the abrupt feeling of the emotions as they twist.

6. Should there be separate stanzas?

I don't believe so.

 

[The_Fool]

Still thinking about it, but one thing caught my eye...

A growing red stain surges

I've been having problems with "surges" because I've never seen blood surge. Was thinking about "oozes", but don't like that one either. Kind of like "drains," get the alliteration thing going ...

 

[Harvey_Mayway]

no idea.

hi i hAVe no clue what im doing. Kidda lost on this message board. Can someone help?

 

[wildsweetone]

Hi Harvey_Mayway and welcome to the Poetry Forum.

This Sub Forum is The Poetry Discussion Circle and it is where you either critique or ask for critique for specific poems.

If you want to join in the other area, the main Poetry Forum, these links will get you there:

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You will see the Poetry Discussion Circle is at the top of the page. Underneath is the Main Poetry Forum - where general chitchat and poetry threads are posted.

There are three 'Sticky' topics at the top of the Main Poetry Forum and it will help you to click on the Poets Please Read Sticky.

If you do not want the Poetry Forum, the Main Literotica Bulletin Board page will help you to then navigate to the area you are looking for.

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Hope some of that helps and you're not too confused.

 

[SapphicMojo]

Loved it, brevity and all.

Pay Up
A solid piece and an enjoyable experience overall.



Steam curls from a Styrofoam cup
hot chocolate and marshmallows
stir her saliva. The cherry
chequered table is steadied
by folded cardboard shoved
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays on the jukebox
down the back corner of Becky’s.
A chair screams, metal on concrete,
as an unwashed body shudders
on cold ground in the alley.
A growing red stain surges
to the storm water and a silver stiletto
protrudes from a fat gurgling gut.
She gulps the milky chocolate,
and pockets the rate he owed.​

Some questions made by the author:

1. Is this poem too short?
I don't think it's possible to use too few words, as long as you get the story across. I've always admired the gift of others to paint a picture with as few strokes as possible.

2. Does it get across an entire 'story'?
Mostly, yes. The only thing in question for me was the reason he incurred the debt, but I think just about anyone that reads the story will come to the conclusion you wanted them to, simply because you've told us that a woman wearing stilettos was standing in an alley trying to collect money from an unwashed man.

3. Does the image of the premises come across clearly?
Very.

4. Is there poetic language? How could this be improved?
Yes. I do agree that the beginning was a little slow, but I would be hard pressed to suggest any changes beyond those already made. I'm quite fond of it as it is.

5. Do the line breaks I chose, work?
I think so.

6. Should there be separate stanzas?
Personally, I don't think so. I think it would just seem too choppy. I like the fluctuations, the contrasting imagery, and I think it's more effective because it's a solid piece. I think you would lose that by breaking it up.

Any other comments would be greatly appreciated.

I hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I adored the "a chair screams" line. It's remeniscent of the nails-on-chalkboard sensory assault that demands attention. I will remember those 6 words long after the rest of the piece fades from my mind.

Thanks

Bare with me. I've sent this reply 4 times, and it keeps telling me it has to be 5 words or more. If you see 72 identical responses, you know why... lol.

 

[friazz88]

heloo..

hey, you're, clearly, a very visual poet. As i mentioned before in your other poem "Cordeilia" pretty is pimp. Organize this instead of making it one big jumble of words,i felt like i was reading just a vague paragraph of something happening. Obviously there is no rhyme scheme, as you intend it to be mainly free verse. Personally if you were before walt whitman's time and you said this was poetry you'd be ostracized from society. Thank God Walt Whitman cemented Free Verse in it's roots. But you know what, it has potential as does your other. Remember, STanza, Punctuation, Line.

 

[wildsweetone]

Pay Up

Steam curls from a Styrofoam cup
hot chocolate and marshmallows
stir her saliva. The cherry
chequered table is steadied
by folded cardboard shoved
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays on the jukebox
down the back corner of Becky’s.
A chair screams, metal on concrete,
as an unwashed body shudders
on cold ground in the alley.
A growing red stain surges
to the storm water and a silver stiletto
protrudes from a fat gurgling gut.
She gulps the milky chocolate,
and pockets the rate he owed.​

Some questions made by the author:

1. Is this poem too short?
2. Does it get across an entire 'story'?
3. Does the image of the premises come across clearly?
4. Is there poetic language? How could this be improved?
5. Do the line breaks I chose, work?
6. Should there be separate stanzas?

Any other comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

just playing around.

Pay Up

A dirty body shudders its last gasp
in an alley of cold concrete. A red stain
seeps into the storm water
and a silver stiletto handle
protrudes from his chest.

The cherry chequered table
is steadied with bent cardboard
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays
on the jukebox

in the back corner.
Steam curls from styrofoam,
Becky's thick coffee
restarts her saliva.

A chair screams, metal on concrete,
and she removes her satin gloves
to pocket the rate he owed,
and gulp the burning black liquid
that soothes the unseen bruises
in her belly.

notes to self:
- title Pay Up, or Pay Back
- not happy with so many adjectives
- good grief it's been nearly 2 years. have i learnt anything?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Steam curls from a Styrofoam cup
hot chocolate and marshmallows
stir her saliva. The cherry
chequered table is steadied
by folded cardboard shoved
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays on the jukebox
down the back corner of Becky’s.
A chair screams, metal on concrete,
as an unwashed body shudders
on cold ground in the alley.
A growing red stain surges
to the storm water and a silver stiletto
protrudes from a fat gurgling gut.
She gulps the milky chocolate,
and pockets the rate he owed.

I really like this. I reminds me of a postcard or the cover of a cheap paperback. It's lurid and static and everything just happened (except for the screaming chair). It's all too late. Fate's been here and gone.

But I have to say, the rhythms kind of bother me. Or lack of them. I don't know. I'm new here and don't want to be an idiot, so maybe you want it all sprung like that but I can't imagine how you would read that and get it to swing or dance at all. The first 4 lines I can do, but the folded cardboard kills me every time and I end up reading it like prose, so I don;t see where the line breaks make much difference,

The funny thing is, after going through this once, I really want to read it like a tango, because the subject is so tango -- murder and cafes -- and in my mind I rewrite it something like this:

Steam curls
from a Styrofoam cup
hot chocolate and marshmallows
stir her saliva.
The cherry chequered table
is steadied by folded
cardboard shoved
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays
on the jukebox
down the back corner of Becky’s.

See? So it sounds like a tango? No? Ah, never mind.

Anyhow, I like this, all the color, the sensuality, the hot and cold, The chair screams is a great climactic line, but I think the poem's a bit too short. The fact is, I'm dumb enough to admit that I really don't know what happened here and I don't know what a "rate" is.

Uhh... She's sitting there drinking hot chocolate, a car comes by and throws out a body, and she takes his money? Or his "rate". that's what I understand.

I'm not sure about that folded cardboard. I'm not sure that's the right detail to spend a line on. Maybe if it scanned better I'd feel better about it, but it's so awkward. There must be something better -- a celing fan, a neon sign, someone else who works there?

And the Steely Dan line bothers me too. It's stuck there right in the gut of the poem, right after the description of the place, and to me it seems like such an empty line, devoid of content.

The use of named music in any literature is a pet peeve of mine. Music is so emotively powerful that it's always tempting for an author to throw in a piece as a way of setting mood, on the assumption that the listener will (a) know the music and (b) have the same emotional associations. You didn't go that far here, but I still think it's a waste of space. Because what are you telling us here? Are they playing "Peg" or "Aja"? Or does it matter. Mightn't it be better if we were told we were hearing sizzling guitars or blind men screaming or songs recorded years ago or something that had some more emotional presence? Or does "Steely Dan" tell you something I'm missing?

I'm a little worried too about the proximity of the "red stain surging" to the "fat gurgling gut". All that liquid seems to conflate in my mind and it gets unclear, and his gurgling gut is a little predictable I think, a little melodramatic. Or is this supposed to be a little B-movie-ish?

I really think it's good overall. I think as a poem it doesn't hang together right though. It's too rhythmically loose for my comfort. That's my main complaint. And I guess I'm really not clear on what happened. I guess that's kind of worrisome. But then, I'm not the world's brightest reader, either.

--Zoot

 

[wildsweetone]

well that cherry was great! you can stick around.


i see your tango, and Steely Dan. i'll think about those some more and see if i can work on the next edit. i like the cardboard, it says something about the place so i'll double check that too.

thank you for taking the time to comment.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

hi i hAVe no clue what im doing. Kidda lost on this message board. Can someone help?

Help him what?

 

[Laath]

The story is told, short, simple, sweet. The length of the poem is Right in my personal opinion seeing as a poem can be any length, and yours gets the story told without any extra BS. The line breaks work rather well.
This is just my personal opinion of course.

 

[naamplao]

Pay Up

Steam curls from a Styrofoam cup
hot chocolate and marshmallows
stir her saliva. The cherry
chequered table is steadied
by folded cardboard shoved
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays on the jukebox
down the back corner of Becky’s.
A chair screams, metal on concrete,
as an unwashed body shudders
on cold ground in the alley.
A growing red stain surges
to the storm water and a silver stiletto
protrudes from a fat gurgling gut.
She gulps the milky chocolate,
and pockets the rate he owed.​

Some questions made by the author:

1. Is this poem too short?
No, it is the right length, I think
2. Does it get across an entire 'story'?
Yes, the story is clear enough.
3. Does the image of the premises come across clearly?
Yes, though I also question the identification of Steely Dan as playing on the jukebox. It seems like unnecessary detail. You could use something like smokey blues or light jazz or other music to describe the atmosphere in the diner.
4. Is there poetic language? How could this be improved?
See comments below
5. Do the line breaks I chose, work?
See below
6. Should there be separate stanzas?
No I think for this length of poem it works in one stanza.


Any other comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

I don't like your use of "and" in these two places

by folded cardboard shoved
under one leg,
and Steely Dan plays on the jukebox

Instead of "plays"...how about "oozes from" or "drifts from"

A growing red stain surges
to the storm water and a silver stiletto
protrudes from a fat gurgling gut.

Also as with other comments on your poem...blood does not surge from the wound of a dead person. It is a steady leak. The leading edge moves but not in a surge.

I would suggest "runs" would be a better word here...suggesting the fast exit of life from the body.

My suggestions for the above lines are:

by folded cardboard shoved
under one leg, with smokey blues
drifting from the jukebox


A growing red stain runs
to the storm water, a silver stiletto
protrudes from a fat gurgling gut.

I enjoyed the read.