sorry I am so late in responding to this wonderful powerful piece.
I love the original and the re-writes very much.
what I like most, aside from the rich imagry and killer lines that break my heart, is the first stanza;
it sets up for this rockwell moment, and then ends with scar-twist singed air... gaahhhhh! (that is a sound of speechless joy and appreciation, btw)
In my fantasy mind i would love to see a longer first stanza that really sets up and pulls the rug from under me. also for balance; the middle is very well developed and the end is also rich, complete with a delicious fade to black; I end up wanting more from the begining.
delicious.
I love the original and the re-writes very much.
what I like most, aside from the rich imagry and killer lines that break my heart, is the first stanza;
it sets up for this rockwell moment, and then ends with scar-twist singed air... gaahhhhh! (that is a sound of speechless joy and appreciation, btw)
In my fantasy mind i would love to see a longer first stanza that really sets up and pulls the rug from under me. also for balance; the middle is very well developed and the end is also rich, complete with a delicious fade to black; I end up wanting more from the begining.
delicious.
