? 4 any1 with answers. Especially BDSM polyamourists

[rida]

I think there are two issues at hand so, I'll go through them separately.

First the two Dom situation:
I am a sub in what could be called a "two Dom" situation: one is my Hubby and one is the Sadist. The Sadist is married as well.
Hubby and the Sadist know each other and respect each other. After my first meeting with the Sadist, when I realized I wished to continue and and the Sadist also wished to continue, they meet and sat down to discuss the arrangement between them. (and have done another time after that).

As far as I'm happy, Hubby is happy. His only request is that I check with him before setting play dates and that I clear with him any "permanent" kind of marking (piercing, cutting, etc) or others that would interfere with his own play. And he reserves the right to pull the plug.

The Sadist has no interest in controlling my life in details. I've been given the "no casual play with other Dom unless Hubby/I is/are directing/present or pre-approved " rule and there is no problem with that.

The only conflict so fare that they had was on how to keep my pubic hair: Hubby likes natural, the Sadist wants shaved. So they had to accept a compromise.

The discussion point at the moment is on nipple piercing. I offered the compromise of a single nipple to start with. I'm sure we will work it out.

Now on to the poly situation:
I believe in poly and I am poly. Hubby is the same. So no problems there. I do love the Sadist, and Hubby knows it (he even teases me about it). The reason why love does not feel threatening to Hubby and us is because we know that it does not affect the love we have for each other.
The Sadist had to adjust to it, but had no problem after I explained that Hubby and I are poly and that I did not demand nor expect him (the Sadist) to reciprocate the feeling.
By the way, Hubby would not have a problem with the Sadist loving me.

So there are two things you have to discuss and come to term with:

- can you handle her loving someone else
- can you and the other Dom talk and come to an agreement on how to not get into power struggles with each other

And the third more important one:
- are you all on the same page when it comes to priorities
(usually "marriage comes first" is the standard rule for married couple having outside Dominants. but I read of a situation where the outside Dominant existed before the marriage so the Husband is the one bending a bit more. at the end, as far as everybody is clear on the rule and can live with them, the arrangement could work).

 

[Netzach]

The "established partnership comes first" rule is generally a sane one, I can't blame someone for feeling a bit put out that his life is being affected by the new guy's rules alone. That's intensely not-cool and would trigger some discussions if it were me, with both the submissive and the other guy. A small amount of smackdown. Screw away, love away, but this is what it is, folks.

 

[Adakgirl]

I have always been under the impression that Poly meant that everyone involved (and you are involved cuz she IS your wife and your submissive)
consented to such a relationship. In my humble opinion, your wife's situation is not Poly because you don't believe in it, don't share in it and don't approve of her loving another Dominant.
Allow me to back up my opinion with the following:

In 1999, Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart was asked by the editor of the Oxford English Dictionary to provide a definition of the term. (The term has not been recognized by the Dictionary.) Her definition was:

The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

This term was meant to be inclusive, and in that context, we have never intended to particularly exclude "swinging" per se, if practitioners thereof wished to adopt the term and include themselves. As far as we have understood, swinging specifically does not involve "cheating," and it certainly does involve having "multiple lovers"! Moreover, we understand from speaking with a few swinging activists that many swingers are closely bonded with their various lovers, as best friends and regular partners.

The two essential ingredients of the concept of "polyamory" are "more than one" and "loving." That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other's lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, "cheating," serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as "mate-swapping" parties.

___________________________________________________________


The entry for Polyamory in Wikipedia starts with:

Polyamory is the practice of having more than one loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The relationships are long-term, intimate, and usually (but not necessarily) sexual. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.

__________________________________________________________

Polyamory means "loving more than one". This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved,

___________________________________________________________

In my opinion what your wife is doing, more like..the way in which she is doing it..is not Poly and is detrimental to your marriage and to your D/s relationship.

 

[DomNQuestion]

Thank you all

I really appreciate all the advice. Up until now, I have done my best to avoid the other Dom. I didn't know how to deal with him when rules were different and the word "love" was being used regularly by the two of them. It brought me to a boiling rage when I thought about it. Here was MY wife/sub who another dom was able to change the rules with freely without talking to me; not to mention the tug being pulled on me emotionally over the polyamory thing. That said, out of respect to my sub I wasn't going to let that boil over into a physical conflict by meeting the other dom if I wasn't able to control my temper. (by the way I am a redhead so it is inherent in my nature to not show true burning anger until my cup is overflowing).

That said, my pet and I sat down last night and had our 4th "serious" talk about the situation since the other dom got involved. For starters, the match that lit the fire for me coming online to find answers this time was that the other dom who is married and just begining to explore his relationship with his wife/sub has made (with his wife/sub) a formal request to spend an evening with my pet. My wife is completely okay with this and actually desires it, but earlier in our relationship she declined my desire to have a 3some with two women if one was not her for the first time. I have had 2 oppotunities that I would have considered as I was "seeing" another one of the two women that wanted a friend to join at the time. I turned both down at the request of her which she later regretted making me do and told me to go and try to find another scenerio, but I declined as I don't go looking for that. If it happens it happens. We have had a MFM 3some, but she did not enjoy as much as she thought she would as she was not able to focus the way she wanted to on me. So there in lies the match that lit the fire.... she is requesting to be with the other Dom and his sub-wife.

My pet has always put me first and during the talk last night when she realized that I was agonizing over this she told me she wouldn't expect me to "ask her" to stop seeing the other Dom, so she would just do it after meeting with the other dom and his other sub-wife this weekend. While I could accept this readily and it makes me happy to know that she is willing to do that, I can't let her do it because I feel like I would be taking away something that makes her happy and who she is.

As for the poly thing.... I have come to terms with it over the years. She has been openly poly for some years now and I can talk and have relationships with all of those people, BUT couple the poly with a dom with conflicting rules/orders and my ability to cope has seriously declined.

Again, I appreciate the information and advice. I just wanted to update you all on last night and to let you know that I am going to attempt to sit down with this other dom to have a serious talk. I am going to do some hard thinking and meditation before I meet him so that I can handle the situation. I hope all goes well and he is understanding and willing to compromise, if not I don't think this will work out.

Thanks so much again. I will let you all know.

 

[JMohegan]

I really appreciate all the advice. Up until now, I have done my best to avoid the other Dom. I didn't know how to deal with him when rules were different and the word "love" was being used regularly by the two of them. It brought me to a boiling rage when I thought about it. Here was MY wife/sub who another dom was able to change the rules with freely without talking to me; not to mention the tug being pulled on me emotionally over the polyamory thing. That said, out of respect to my sub I wasn't going to let that boil over into a physical conflict by meeting the other dom if I wasn't able to control my temper. (by the way I am a redhead so it is inherent in my nature to not show true burning anger until my cup is overflowing).

Personally I consider what the other D did to be way out of line, and I don't blame you for being pissed and considering him a jerk.

However, he's not the one who made a commitment to you, right? The person who really "changed the rules" without talking to you was your wife. Controlling a boiling rage is usually a good thing, but the phrase "out of respect to my sub" jumps out at me here, considering the disrespectful way she treated you by changing the rules without your consent.

Being reasonable and understanding is often a positive in relationships, but being accommodating and exerting dominance at the same time can be tricky - particularly since subs are attracted to the exerting dominance thing (albeit in varying measures.) Tough for us here to know where your wife falls on that spectrum, but it seems worth considering that she might actually *want* you to step in and lay down some ground rules, and take the upper hand when dealing with this other guy. Not to be a dick about it, but to calmly and clearly state what you will/will not tolerate.

 

[Achlys]

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