9·July·2006 · "hidden in my locker all year" · annaswirls

[Cub4ucme]

Nice Read!

So often I read comments to poetry that say "I don't know what you mean."

I understand a poets obligation is to the audience which is the readers.

That said, the whole idea of some poetry is to have multiple meanings
for interpretation. It's a wonderfull thing when a poem can say one thing
to me and another thing to someone else.

It's not my style to explain my poetry because I feel as if the poem needs
to stand up on it's own once it's set free. I don't have any problem at all
with your poem in regards to interpretation.

I do agree with the critique where "auditorium" is done away with. It reads
clumbsy and there is no need for it in the opening.

I wouldn't tweak this poem too much. A poem is done when you feel it's
done. If I were you I'd take another hard look at it and see how YOU feel
about it after that. If anything I would look to take a few words out and
maybe change a line or two at most.

The subject matter is solid, the voice is clear and well presented and the
end arrives as it should, on time.

Very much enjoyed.

cu

 

[naamplao]

I really liked this poem. I read it several times and each time I understood a little bit more as I went along.

I had a problem with the lack of punctuation though, especially with this verse

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

At first I thought you spelled "there" wrong and what you meant was "their training bra". A comma or another question mark after "there" would have made the two lines much clearer and the lack took my attention away from the message of your poem. There are other occassions where punctuation would have helped but I won't belabour the point.

Nice write overall though.

 

[Cub4ucme]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out of the auditorium
a few minutes early
so we could avoid seeing the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but still they caught us
holding our Stayfree sample bag
and sketched diagrams:
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

locker shut I could barely even
look at my homeroom teacher,
who for the first time
appeared to me naked,
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

betrayed, bewildered,
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake.​

Hopefully I won't get beat over the head for what I am
about to communicate. It is subjective and it is honest.

That's the best I can do from this seat.

General problems with the poem:

1). It reads too much like a short story.
2). It starts to get gritty then backs off
then starts again.
3). You never tell us what you feel about
anything going on. It's a one dimensional
trip seen through your eyes about a
slightly hot and awkward situation.

General assests:

1). It reads very well without a stumble.
2). The line-breaks are fairly well chosen.
3). There's a couple of lines that begin
to get close to drawing the reader
into the poem.


Specific points:

they let us out of the auditorium
a few minutes early
so we could avoid seeing the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym<<<<<<<<<<


I don't know who they are.

You only get one chance to start a poem.

Might try something like this:


Lead out of the auditorium
early, to aviod contact
with the boys

well, that doesn't cut it either but, I don't have all that
much time and I'm just trying to point out that
the poem is asking for a better start.

Something to pull the reader in.

______________________________________________

___________________________


but still they caught us
holding our Stayfree sample bag<<<<<<

Like this! You could probably word it better if
you put your mind to it but, it's edgy and it
brings to mind a vivid image of surprise.

_____________________________________

I'll try to get back to this but, not if I sense
you're not interested in what I have to say.

Even if you aren't there are readers who might
be.

Anyway, it's worth spending more time
on the poem. It's really good subject
matter that has a lot to offer.

Especially from my standpoint of being
a male. It's always nice to read poetry
that's derived from the better side
of the street.

best,
andy

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I've been reading through a lot of these submissions even though critique is probably pointless this late in the queue. However, I wanted to say that this piece is incredibly powerful, and has only one thing that I'd really shift. The repetition of "they" meaning the authorities and then "they" referring to the boys in the next stanza seemed a little awkward. Other than that, this is a really powerful piece.

I LOVE the last stanza but I wonder if it even needs the phrase "betrayed, bewildered". Rhythmically it feels important but in terms of meaning it doesn't feel necessary - that sensation is already so very clear from the narrative.

gorgeous work.

bijou

 

[LC_Lancer]

I disagree with Cub4ucme. I think the "short story" is exactly what this poem needed. I also do not think that you need to tell us 'what you feel about anything going on'. Since you were trying to cover up the things in the locker, you did not have time to think about it to tell us. You do not have to tell us everything. Some things should be left up to the reader to remember those feelings. I think the start is good enough in the second draft.

I agree with Cub4ucme in that it reads well and the words and line breaks were well chosen. Especially the "they caught us
holding our Stayfree sample bag"
Very edgy and creates just the right picture.

I think (like Cub4ucme) this it is "really good subject matter that has a lot to offer".
Also considering I am a male, I would really like to hear more of this poetry based on the time when we were separated for THAT talk.
Besides, I would really like to see the diagrams. Maybe I can find them online. LOL