A few questions from a Sub needing some insight

[FurryFury]

Greetings!

I was reading over a few questions on another “how to” about a dome / sub relationship and the individuals responsibilities, and I felt the questions were extremely good. However there never was a clear answer to them, so I wanted to post them here as they also concern me as I’ve just started out in a very light internet power exchange. I am trying to consider whether to walk down this road or not, and I hope that someone with insight will be kind enough to leave a reply as a comment.

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

I would appreciate it if someone who is a Dom or a sub could respond to these questions, thank you up front!

1.) If a submissive has healthy self esteem and then is able to accept and get what she needs from her soul then I see no reason why her self esteem should be injured by that. In fact, in my experience, my self esteem was not all that healthy but accepting what I wanted and getting some of it helped a great deal.

2. That's a difficult one. Yes, they could return to a nilla relationship but if one wants and needs kink there will probably be some dissatisfaction and resentment. Of course that's true in many relationships for all kinds of reasons. IMO, it's kind of like reneging on a contract. Again people do that all the time. Of course if both parties say, hey, this isn't for us then there should be no problems at all returning to nilla.

3. That depends on the sub and the Dom/me. IMO, if the sub gives that power to the Dom/me it's because she trusts the Dom/me and wants or enjoys those things. Consent is key for me personally. In which case, both parties are getting what they need and there should not be a self esteem issue.

I've taken physical pleasure in spankings and such. I'd imagine "beatings" would bring that too. Not all subs are into this. They would need to make that clear up front.

Now punishments, real punishments should make you feel contrite at the very least. I get really sad when someone I allow to punishes me because it means I've displeased them. The point though is to make enough of an impression it doesn't happen again. That's a learning thing. So it can be very constructive.

The worst punishment ever is being ignored. I hate that. It's truly painful. So is knowing I've upset, pissed off or disappointed someone I care that much about and try to please.

Play punishment isn't my thing but it goes back to enjoying whatever the punishment is. I personally prefer to be spanked because we both enjoy it, rather than because he is pissed or disappointed. I don't like to play that I've been bad because I try real damn hard to be good. Some do enjoy this. I don't see that it would cause self esteem issues for them.

If as some point the Dom/me finds a limit and hits it, this needs to be talked out by both parties. It's likely to happen. Communication is another key for me.

4. I had no idea about this one before I read others answers on here.

I also don't know if you can nurse with breast implants either. Maybe the second one will be answered by that Brady reality show. Didn't Adrienne get big fucking implants and isn't she now trying to get preggers?

*is curious*

BTW, it's not necessary or desirable for all subs involved in BDSM to get their nipples pierced. Some do. Some don't. Perhaps we need a poll about this?

5. The same way any couple keeps their personal sex life private with regard to the kids. There are very few that live the BDSM life 24/7 eating out of bowls on the floor or whatever. There are ways to enjoy each other with BDSM and not put it in the kids faces.

6. Again, the same question could be asked of any relationship that involves sexual contact, sperm and eggs. Perhaps you were also thinking about swinging and/or being loaned out to others? If you engage in those kinds of life styles you have to be realistic about the chances you are taking, use proper disease and birth control and accept your consequences should any come about, right?

7. Some people are overly needy and need to work on controlling their behavior.

Some people are overly removed emotionally and need to work on controlling their behavior.

Often in any relationship, needs and wants do not match up. This can be devastating when you've already given your heart, money, and time to that person. Usually when this happens we end up mourning, not the relationship so much but our erroneous vision of it and each other.

Any two people in a relationship should, IMO, be trying to please the other person or at least, keep the other persons needs, and yes, wants, in mind.

Subs have rights but one of the more rewarding aspects is working at pleasing your Dom/me, at least for me. It's really, really hard sometimes. Keep in mind I don't actually have a Dom/me but I sort of pretend that my husband, who sometimes tops me, is my Dom/me. I try to do things as he'd like me to, even when I HATE his way of doing things. It's not easy but it can be rewarding.

8. Only the two of you can decide if you can repair things. You have to both want to. You have to communicate about it. Otherwise the distance and resentment can get too big. I don't know what happened but yeah, things can be fixed at times it just depends.

HTH,

Fury

 

[Kathykitten]

Thank you all for the insight and the advice!

I am also very thankfull that some of you shared of your own experiences, gave me a better overall image of some of theese things!

Hopefully I will be able to figure out better whether this is truly what I need long term


PS Yes! Start a nipple piercing poll!

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you all for the insight and the advice!

I am also very thankfull that some of you shared of your own experiences, gave me a better overall image of some of theese things!

Hopefully I will be able to figure out better whether this is truly what I need long term


PS Yes! Start a nipple piercing poll!

Your wish, my command!

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=583073

 

[intothewoods]

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

Healthy self-esteem comes first.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

If both are not committed, I would say there's no choice but to return or end the relationship. For me and my partner, bdsm in the relationship is very fluid. We aren't always "scening" or anything like that.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

I was once "punished" as part of an online relationship I was involved in. I could not return to that sort of arrangement, and I don't ever see having true punishment (rather than sandm play) as part of my relationship. My PYL has never expressed an interest in it, and I don't need it or benefit from it. I also personally can't maintain the mindset of a person who has ceded power over their life to another. It's not my reality.

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

I think satindesire's answer is right on this.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

I haven't yet tried, but if we ever go there, bdsm will always be private between my PYL and myself. I had the same concern for a long time, but I think I've come to the conclusion that I relate to my PYL like any other partner, really. I am very careful about who I spend time with, and who I introduce to my child. I haven't introduced anyone to my kid that is involved with bdsm (including my PYL), with the exception of a married couple with a child close in age to mine.

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

My partner and I are monogamous and practice safe sex. Most scene events I've attended stock plenty of condoms though, fwiw.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

I think in the beginning of a bdsm relationship sometimes the attention on both parties is kind of out of whack. The beginning of any love relationship is very heady, with profound chemical changes going on in the brain. Throw in the endorphins released from s&m play, and the more intense nature of some bdsm relationships, and you've got a pretty big head rush for both parties.

When I first started playing with a number of people (including my current partner), I looked at everything in terms of the experience for me. Now that I'm in a relationship and things are much calmer in my life, I don't focus so much on my needs, and also, we are better at communication about what we both want.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

I've never had this experience, but I tend to be overly cautious in terms of edgeplay or pushing my boundaries. And my PYL is even moreso. I've never safeworded with him, but we do talk during play, and he's eased up when he can tell something is just too much for me.