A joke....

My turn:

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and
says:

"OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,

"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster
is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says "Darn...third gay rooster I bought this week
 
Triatic said:
So this frog walks into a bank and heads over to the loan teller. The teller smiles and says "Hello, sir. My name is Patricia Mack. How can I help you today?"

The frog says, "Well, my name's Froggy Jagger. I'd like to arrange a loan."

The teller blinks. "Jagger?"

"Yeah, yeah, they were in town for a show, Mick got drunk and hit the pond...the media had a feild day. We don't really talk much."

"Oh." The teller shakes her head, tries to regain her composure. "Well, um, Mr. Jagger, do you have anything in the way of collateral?"

"Well, I've got this," says Froggy, and pushes a small statuette across the desk. The teller frowns.

"Hmmm...well...I'll see what my manager says." She walks into the office and says, "Sir? There's a Froggy Jagger outside, offering this as collateral...I don't even know what it is." She holds it up.

The manager looks at it, then at her, and says, "It's a nicknack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

~ba-dum-bum-crish~



Call me corny, but that was the best joke I've heard in a while.
 
I actually thought it was a hilarious joke, but I can't let Triatic know that....it all goes to his head. (and don't ask which one!)
 
One blonde says to the other "Have you every smelled moth balls?" The second blonde says "Sure" First blonde "How'd you ever get his little legs apart"



Sorry guys it is the only joke I ever seem to remember
 
Loving wife eh?

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police
officer. The following exchange took place.

The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "

Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
 
a blonde and her friend were talking...

blonde- "my boyfriend has dandruff so bad...it is embarrassing"

friend- "Have you tried giving him Head and Shoulders?"

Blonde stands there for a minute really puzzled then asks..."How do you give shoulders?"

before you start throwing the tomatoes...make sure they are not rotten
 
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups it has become lodged in.

All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she pissed! "What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.

"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.

"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"

The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience. "What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him.

"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
 
roflmao....good one merlie baby...i hope you never hit to the left...come here and let me polish those crystal balls
 
for the golfers in the audience

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a 5-iron wrapped around his neck. "What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well," says the guy, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced one off the course onto a neighboring farm. We went looking for the ball, and I noticed that one of the cows had something white in its rear end. So I lifted the tail, and there was my wife's ball stuck in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well," the guy says, "I held the tail up and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!""
 
Alright...let me preface this by saying I am not good at telling jokes...bear with me.

A man and woman are out golfing one day when she hits her tee shot and it veers crazily to the left smashing a window of the house on the hill.

They ride up in their golf cart to survey the damage and speak to the owner. Upon arrival, they see a man at the front door looking a little befrazzled and dazed. They see that the front window is busted and her ball is lying on the living room floor next to a broken jar of sorts.

The man rushes out to them, grabs the man by the hand and shakes it profusely. He says, "Thank you so much. I am a genie and I have been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You have your 3 wishes, of course...anything you want!"

The man and woman look at one another incredulously. 3 wishes...what would they wish for? First the husband wished for a million dollars. "Done" says the genie. All transferred to your bank account. The woman wishes for 2 brand new cars...one Mercades and one Cadillac. "Done," says the genie "they are in your driveway". Feeling of generous spirit, the man and woman confer and tell the genie that he can have their last wish...as they already have more than they could ask for. He ponders this and says to them, "Well there is only one thing that would make me happy. I have been in that bottle for one thousand long years without the ... ummm..touch of a woman. If you could possibly provide me with that one little request, I would let you keep your third wish."

The woman says, "After all he's done for us honey...its the least we can do." The husband agrees and says he will go finish his golf game while the two "finish their business".

The genie and the woman go upstairs and "do the deed". As they are getting themselves dressed, she says, "I just can't believe this. I came out to play a nice round of golf with my husband and end up a millionaire with everything I could ever wish for."

The genie replies "I can't believe you and your husband still believe in genies."
 
SimplySouthern said:
Alright...let me preface this by saying I am not good at telling jokes...bear with me.

Southern, that was great LOL. And I'll (get) bare with you any time.

e2c
eek3.gif
 
Alright...I thought of another good one. This one is best told outloud so you can "hear" the punchline...but I think you can get the idea.

A woman walks into a store and asks the man at the counter for 2 onions.

He tells her they are out of onions and will be receiving a new shipment at 9am the next morning. She says OK and leaves.

5 minutes later she walks back in and asks for onions again. He relates to her the same speech he just gave her...no onions til 9am tomorrow. She thanks him and leaves, only to return again in another few minutes. This goes on all day long, and the shopkeeper is quite agitated.

The lady walks back in late that afternoon and asks for onions. He hands her a piece of paper and a pen and says

"Write down the word Carrots, the word Potatoes and the word Onion."

She does as he requests.

He says, "Now take the CAR out of CARROTS." She does.

He says, " Now take the POT out of POTATOES." She does.

He says, "Now take the FUCK out of ONIONS."

She looks at him bewildered and says, "There's no FUCK in ONIONS."

He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you all day."
 
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, peddling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.... I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!....Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell warmed over! What the devil happened to you?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "My god, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?
 
Whats the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits the windscreen of your car?



Its ass :eek:
 
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