a willows sorrow

[Angeline]

actually senna its a metaphor she meant the sun looked like butter and as for sirens critique goes she did in her first post here but she liked it and as such didn't have much to say

I think Senna's just giving me a hard time. Lovingly lol, he likes to do that to me sometimes. But I like your explanation better.

 

[Angeline]

I was simply stating that critique is one thing, to point out the fact that one thinks the language used is not english or flaws in puncuation is rude.

Hey, Siren, I edit for a living so to find flaws in punctuation is just part of my job. When someone asks for critique I always assume they want to hear not just my overall opinion, but specific ways I think a poem can be improved. That's the kind of critique I prefer, too. It's really not necessarily rude at all, imo.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Three times YesYes

I think Senna's just giving me a hard time.

Yes.

Lovingly lol, he likes to do that to me sometimes.

Yes.

But I like your explanation better.

Yes.

Actually, the phrase "Sun is butter" is not a metaphor. (BTW, that is is ugly). A metaphor would look like this:

************************************************


- - - clear sky
- - - the round yellow slice of butter slides slowly in the sky
- - - she again
- - - i stare for a moment and look down
- - - warm butter on my cheeks
- - - salt on my lips
- - - i look up
- - - she's gone
- - - the blue bread and the yellow butter moved a bit
- - - i lie face down and nap in the grass


---
Senna Jawa

************************************************
Regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

she liked it and as such didn't have much to say

What is there to like that wasn't already in a zillion of pop songs? Try to quote a single original or at least non-cliched phrase if you can, I'd be curious.

(In general, the implication: *** I like it ==> I don't have much to say *** is false).

Regards,

 

[Angeline]

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Actually, the phrase "Sun is butter" is not a metaphor. (BTW, that is is ugly). A metaphor would look like this:

************************************************


- - - clear sky
- - - the round yellow slice of butter slides slowly in the sky
- - - she again
- - - i stare for a moment and look down
- - - warm butter on my cheeks
- - - salt on my lips
- - - i look up
- - - she's gone
- - - the blue bread and the yellow butter moved a bit
- - - i lie face down and nap in the grass


---
Senna Jawa

************************************************
Regards,

Some of your metaphors are hard for me to understand, but don't give me a speech about having to work hard for poetry because I already know you're thinking it.

I agree with you about the is. I wrote it hastily and was actually thinking of a few lines from a poem I wrote where the metaphor was more implied:

Children
pull carts
filled with cabbages,

dreaming of bread,
dreaming of butter-
colored sun
instead of stars.

 

[SinsiousSiren]

Ugh!

I would hate to have some of you as my writing/publishing team. As some of you seem to have no imagination or free will of creativity flowing through your veins. If you do, it seems to be stuck somewhere, perhaps it just needs a jar to get it flowing again.
It doesn't matter of it is a cliché of a pop song or as old as Zeus, what matters is where it comes from. That is what one has to see when reading poetry, not what's on the page, but what is beyond the written words.
Like seeing the forest for the trees, or the violence of a rushing river vs. the beauty of flowing water.

As far as Wolf wanting critiques, it is up to him as he takes it.
I still believe that if you have to criticize, be it your job or other wise, it's just an opinion.
All that matters is that the person who wrote or mastered a beautiful peice of art is satisified with their work in the end.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

If he wants to put it out there for everyone to read (which presumably he does or we wouldn't be having this discussion) then those that are reading it have to be able to appreciate the beauty without continually tripping over spelling mistakes which detracts from any enjoyment. As it is he has taken onboard the suggestions and the piece is a much better read for that. When I first came to this site everything I wrote rhymed too but I was given the friendly suggestion (and these are friendly suggestions now) to try other forms of expression and I have had some really terrible blips along the way but I have enjoyed the journey very much.

 

[Angeline]

I would hate to have some of you as my writing/publishing team. As some of you seem to have no imagination or free will of creativity flowing through your veins. If you do, it seems to be stuck somewhere, perhaps it just needs a jar to get it flowing again.
It doesn't matter of it is a cliché of a pop song or as old as Zeus, what matters is where it comes from. That is what one has to see when reading poetry, not what's on the page, but what is beyond the written words.
Like seeing the forest for the trees, or the violence of a rushing river vs. the beauty of flowing water.

As far as Wolf wanting critiques, it is up to him as he takes it.
I still believe that if you have to criticize, be it your job or other wise, it's just an opinion.
All that matters is that the person who wrote or mastered a beautiful peice of art is satisified with their work in the end.

I agree with you. Any suggestions made when someone posts a poem and asks for feedback are simply suggestions. If they help, that's great. If they don't, well the author knows best what will work for him or her.

Poetry is a form of communication. You have nothing but the writer's words to know what he or she means. If the words aren't working, for whatever reason, then the poem may be heartfelt but it isn't necessarily communicating. How can someone appreciate art if they can't understand it? If it's gobbledegook to me, I won't get it no matter how beautiful the writer wanted it to be. Choosing to use rhyme or lyric or whatever is a matter of preference. Some like it, some don't. It has nothing to do with being hard on the person who wrote it. We are all entitled to our opinions.

And I also agree with UYS that most suggestions made here are done so in a friendly, helpful spirit. I believe that Wolf understands that from his comments and from the fact that he returned here after a long time to post his revisions. I said, and believe, he made great progress. When someone posts a poem online, whether they ask for feedback or not, they are making it public and chances are they will hear some things or hear them in a tone that they don't like. It has certainly happened to me. Part of posting stuff for others to see is developing a thick skin. You take what works for you and ignore the rest. I have found that very helpful over the years.

 

[wolfknight20]

i do understand that each have there own likes and dislikes which is why i simply said that my poems are wrote as song and i like the old bardic style so its a compliment to me for some one to say my works singsong and i do appreciate every ones advise some are more harsh then others but i did say all would be welcome as long as it was constructive

and so you can see how I've progressed i wrote the poems in this order

angles' tears
a willows sorrow
the winds of change
wings