Advice Please

[Betticus]

I'm looking for some guidance on how to reconcile my feelings.

I have not had a full blown D/s relationship before, but would prefer it to be in a loving relationship.

I have had the experience quite recently of being offered both, by a guy who turned out to be nothing more than a liar. Very good at the IM/email/phone stuff, even quite dominant persona when we were out in public, yet a total let down when it came to the bedroom. Probably the most passive sex I ever had.

Now though I have found a guy who lives right around the corner (5 mins away) who has done this before & is currently doing all the right things (checklists, accomadating for my "newbie" status etc, giving me info to contact others to check with). However, he is not offering me the romance but states that if it happens fine, but we wont know until we meet. So I'm tempted to go ahead merely to satisfy my own desires with someone I am beginning to trust.

BUT, my dilemma is that I'm not really into casual sex just for the sake of it, & this is how I interpret meeting up for the purpose of D/s first, love second.

On the other hand I dont want to waste time getting down the line within a normal relationship only to find (again) that I am never going to get what I desire.

So, how have others faced this dilemma?

If it feels wrong, then it is probably not right for you.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

It does sound as if he realized how you feel about any development of relationship.
Now I'm wondering something else. It sounds as if he's applying to get into your pants. He'll do whatever he must do to get there (spend time with you so you can build trust), but he'll do it with sex or BDSM play in his head as an end goal. Now this could be wrong. You've only shared a part of a message relevant to the present discussion, and there's no need for you to share more. It's just the part you shared sounds more as if he just wants sex and rather no romantic feelings involved.
Again, if that's ok to you, you know what's going on and you trust your chance that he will develope romantic feelings for you, all's good. I just wanted to point out how this little snip reads to me, so you can think about it, take it into consideration.

The parts highlighted in bold...

This is how I see it too, he has made no secret that this is his intended "end goal." However, this is partly what I need right now though I am not so deep in "sub frenzy" that I'm willing to accept offers from anyone (I have refused others).

The second highlighted statement really hits on my original point of this post. Am I wrong to enter into it JUST for that element when ultimately I will want/need more? I suppose everyone has differing views on that, & I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it having not entered into such an agreement before.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Am I wrong to enter into it JUST for that element when ultimately I will want/need more? I suppose everyone has differing views on that, & I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it having not entered into such an agreement before.

What concerns me is you keep referring to the romantic possibility as if it is going to be wanted by you and not him which makes me think you have already talked yourself (maybe subconciously) into thinking if he offers it you will accept it and believe yourself to be in love with him just because you want that in a relationship, not because you love him....sort of what my mother used to refer to as being in love with love, not the person. As he and others here have said, you can't predict love and certainly won't know if you don't meet...perhaps he might decide he wants romance and you find you don't. Maybe it's time to stop concentrating on 'what ifs' and looking at ' what is' for now.

Catalina

 

[Perfect_Trust]

What concerns me is you keep referring to the romantic possibility as if it is going to be wanted by you and not him which makes me think you have already talked yourself (maybe subconciously) into thinking if he offers it you will accept it and believe yourself to be in love with him just because you want that in a relationship, not because you love him....sort of what my mother used to refer to as being in love with love, not the person. As he and others here have said, you can't predict love and certainly won't know if you don't meet...perhaps he might decide he wants romance and you find you don't. Maybe it's time to stop concentrating on 'what ifs' and looking at ' what is' for now.
Catalina

No, if he said that it would send up MASSIVE red flags for me. And you're right of course, I need to stop analysing the what ifs'. I think I am doing that due to coming out of a bad marriage ten months ago.

 

[catalina_francisco]

No, if he said that it would send up MASSIVE red flags for me. And you're right of course, I need to stop analysing the what ifs'. I think I am doing that due to coming out of a bad marriage ten months ago.

I was thinking more about in the future, not immediately. The reason it concerned me is because it seems you want it so bad, you want to have a prediction it will happen as opposed to might/might not, and you are basing the decision to meet it seems on whether romance will be a strong possibility and only after a short time of talking online unless I am mistaken....these things take time and it may be you are particularly vulnerable if you are recently out of a marriage. I think most of us have fallen into the rebound trap at some time, but it rarely works out for the best so think and tread carefully.

Catalina