Aftercare

[shy slave]

Where the hell is KC or Marquis?
They are usually great at answering q's like these.

I hate aftercare, after an intense session, I don't want spoken to or touched. I am liable to be pretty pissed off if he tries.

If it has been a physical session it really gets the adrenalin going, I can't turn that off. It makes me exhausted but keyed up. I have a terrible temper and I would possibly verbally bite him or provoke an arguement, just to release the adrenalin rush.

He is very clear with me, he leaves me to calm down and then I go to him when I am ready.
He does not give aftercare, when I am ready I go to him and sit quietly.

I know he found it hard when we met and I really did not want to be touched, stroked or cuddled. I felt guilty about my reaction. Now we have a system that works for both of us.
By ignoring me, he is giving me what I need.

 

[callinectes]

okay, okay, I'm a big 'ol pansy 'cuz I like the aftercare.

I'm pretty new to all of this but he isn't. We are not into heavy pain play..well..it would be more correct to say he hasn't taken me there yet. Right now he is all about getting me to open up and accepting my perversions without feeling guilt or shame. Perhaps it makes me a wuss, but I really struggle with my upbringing and the juxtapostion of appearing to be one thing in public and behaving otherwise in private. So, after we cross some new lines I need reassurance that he still thinks fondly and warmly of me rather than sees me as an object of derision. I'm sure that sounds silly to many of y'all but it is huge to me. I'm messed up that way.

 

[Etoile]

i agree for the most part. On this occasion i was questioning whether or not his punishment was appropriate because of how much it really effected me. i didn't think he was aware of how big of a blow it really was. Because we are both so new to all of this i ended up talking to him about it. In the end he still felt that it was fair and justified. After he said that, i dropped it. He has the final say.

There's also the possibility that he knew perfectly well just how humiliated you would be, and didn't care, or felt it was appropriate. When you did talk to him about it afterward, did he say he knew what he was doing, or did he say "gosh, I didn't realize that, thank you for telling me?" I think the fact that you are both new to the scene means you should both be doing a L-O-T of talking and discussing and informing and negotiating. But it should still end up the way it did: he decided how he felt based on the information you gave him, and you went along with that.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

okay, okay, I'm a big 'ol pansy 'cuz I like the aftercare.

I'm pretty new to all of this but he isn't. We are not into heavy pain play..well..it would be more correct to say he hasn't taken me there yet. Right now he is all about getting me to open up and accepting my perversions without feeling guilt or shame. Perhaps it makes me a wuss, but I really struggle with my upbringing and the juxtapostion of appearing to be one thing in public and behaving otherwise in private. So, after we cross some new lines I need reassurance that he still thinks fondly and warmly of me rather than sees me as an object of derision. I'm sure that sounds silly to many of y'all but it is huge to me. I'm messed up that way.

you are not messed up, or if you are, then i am also, i love the cuddling, snuggling, lovey aftercare, i crave it, and most of all i NEED it... i dont' think that makes me 'messed up' it just makes me different than some....

 

[marieR19]

I, too, need the aftercare. It can be really brief and simple, like a hug, or long and drawn-out like cuddling for a long time, but I need it, I need to know that she loves me and stuff.


Heather

 

[serijules]

Some of you seem to be saying that aftercare means emotional things, and some of us are more focused on the physical. Needing emotional support and physical support are different things. I don't think anyone, even Netz, is saying they are not their for their bottoms emotionally after a scene. It is the physical that varies from person to person in what they need and how they give. Emotional support forms vary too, but I think it can safely be assumed in this bunch that the emotional support is there, no matter how sadistic the poster may be.

Nothing is being said or implied that if you need more physical aftercare than the next person you are needy or wrong or a wuss. It DOES mean you may not be a good match for someone who had different expectations and preferences on what they are willing to give out after a scene. For a service slave like me, the opportunity to serve and show gratitude to my Owner after a scene IS aftercare, both emotionally and physically. For someone who is not so heavily into service submission, it may have a very opposite effect of making them feel abandoned.

 

[Kailey_86]

There's also the possibility that he knew perfectly well just how humiliated you would be, and didn't care, or felt it was appropriate. When you did talk to him about it afterward, did he say he knew what he was doing, or did he say "gosh, I didn't realize that, thank you for telling me?" I think the fact that you are both new to the scene means you should both be doing a L-O-T of talking and discussing and informing and negotiating. But it should still end up the way it did: he decided how he felt based on the information you gave him, and you went along with that.

He did say that he didn't think it would effect me like it did and he thanked me for telling him. i love the relationship we have because we do talk so much. Sometimes we talk a subject to death. We look at everything from every angle possible. Literotica helps a lot with this communication because it allows us to see things that we might not otherwise think about.

Some of you seem to be saying that aftercare means emotional things, and some of us are more focused on the physical. Needing emotional support and physical support are different things. I don't think anyone, even Netz, is saying they are not their for their bottoms emotionally after a scene. It is the physical that varies from person to person in what they need and how they give. Emotional support forms vary too, but I think it can safely be assumed in this bunch that the emotional support is there, no matter how sadistic the poster may be.

Nothing is being said or implied that if you need more physical aftercare than the next person you are needy or wrong or a wuss. It DOES mean you may not be a good match for someone who had different expectations and preferences on what they are willing to give out after a scene. For a service slave like me, the opportunity to serve and show gratitude to my Owner after a scene IS aftercare, both emotionally and physically. For someone who is not so heavily into service submission, it may have a very opposite effect of making them feel abandoned.

i agree. i think this was worded perfectly.

 

[BiBunny]

My aftercare needs depend on whether I'm on top or on bottom and whether I'm playing with someone I really care about or not. Typical reaction from me, top or bottom, with someone I don't have an emotional connection with is "Get the hell away from me." When I'm Topping someone I really care about (like B. or my girlfriend), I make sure everything's ok with the other person, then I'll usually lie down next to him/her and become very playful. This varies, of course, depending on the needs of the other person. When I'm submitting to B., I need him close to me when the scene's over. He doesn't actually have to do anything. I like when he cuddles with me and pets me, that kind of thing, but it's not usually necessary. It's enough for him to allow me to sit at his feet and rest my head against his knee or something. As long as contact's not broken, he can ignore me otherwise. I just need to know he's there.

 

[satindesire]

It honestly varies from scene to scene, as of course it does with everyone.

But since I have hypoglycemia and Sjogren's syndrome, some amount of aftercare is necessary for my physical well being.

Emotionally, I am pretty drained and wanting to lie down, so a little cuddling really goes a long way!

 

[PreggoHottie]

I prefer to be held or cuddled afterward, so that I know I am loved. (I only have any type of scene right now with my long-term partner.) She obliges without issue normally, because she knows how much it means to me.

 

[AvaAdore]

We shower together. It's a nice way of winding down!

 

[Blushing Bottom]

We lay on my bed at opposite ends and talk for a good long time and then usually go out somewhere...me with his cum still inside of me...somewhere.

d

 

[Evil_Geoff]

The level and type of aftercare varies from scene to scene, partner to partner. Aftercare for a cutting for example might include cleaning the wound, applying an anti-bacterial ointment, bandaging the wound, get my partner a drink and/or something to eat to replace lost fluid and keep their blood sugar up. After a waxing it might just consist of wrapping them up in a blankey (after cleaning the wax off their body of course) and just snuggling and cuddling for while.

For some aftercare may consist of tossing a blanket over them, bringing a drink and snack and checking in on them every now and then until they get back into their normal headspace. With others it might consist of... "Good! We're done, I had a great time. Now clean this mess up!" while I wave at the cross and toys then go off to do whatever it is I feel like doing.

And sometimes, particularly when I've done some really intense, edgier play, _I_ need aftercare to come down outta my Top space or to get MY blood sugar levels back up. Being diabetic, if I'm vigorously active (like a long flogging scene), my blood sugar can drop in a hurry. Which is why I almost never play alone with someone unless I've just eaten or have a snack laid out and ready to eat right there... If my partner is zoned in space and I pass out from low sugar, who's gonna help either one of us?

And I agree with emotional vs physical aftercare. They are different and I try to be accomodating for both needs. It's one of the reasons I've developed a reputation as being a good play partner, particularly for new folks who want to try different toys and experience different feelings. I ramp up easy, get to know your reactions during the scene, and spend some time afterwards to make sure you are okay, find out what worked and what didn't work for you, etc...

YIK,
- Geoff

 

[Irony_Sinclair]

Aftercare. This for me is where I live. Let me first say that my situationis submitting to one and only one person on this planet, my beautiful wife. Only she can bring about my submission. I've ALWAYS dominated others. Male or female, and yes we have had playmates, and I instinctively and naturally, not matter how subtly, dominate them. I'm a natural alpha-male but with a deep dark hidden side that only she has ever brought out. And even now, after all these years, I can still fight the bit. It's who I am and it is what makes my submission, or more specifically, my submission to her so special.

I say that for two reasons. One, to make it clear that my D/s situation is a very loving and emotional one. It isn't play with "detatched" persons and such. We can't walk away from one another after a scene. And two, to convey that I understand the dominant and submissive roles quite well.

So, aftercare. I, me, myself, personally believe, in my most modest opinion that aftercare, in a love-connected relationship, is the difference between abuse or kink. I can't speak to pro-Dom/mes or those relationships that don't involve deep emotion, I see them as something different. Yes, we've had playmates and I/we have always given some form of aftercare but those situations either involved deep emotions or were just flights of fancy. Either way, they still don't fall into the aforementioned categories. So take my point of view and opinion for what it is worth.

I believe aftercare is positively and unquestionably required. Always, always, always. Now, that said, defining aftercare is altogether different and nearly impossible. Aftercare is very situational and subjective. It may be immediate or it may come days later. It may be soft stroking and hugs or it may be a good old fashioned hard fuck. It might be a wink of approval or heavy discussion. It just really depends on the people, the scene, etc.

There are times with my wife and I when I just need to sit for a while and not speak or be touched. Then there are times when I just want to fall into her bosom and curl into her body and be held. Then there are times when I'm jacked full of energy and want to talk. And that's just my feelings, not even mentioning hers. It just really depends. But always, aways, always, at some point, in some way, there will be aftercare.

I think early on, the best form of aftercare is talking. It's strange how we can inflict or subject ourselves to so many things yet freak out about talking about it after it is over. But talking is key. I think there is strength in a dominant who solicites feedback from a sub.

As for your situation Kailey, I don't know the particulars, but what nags me in reading what you've put in this thread is he did it because he wanted to. He mentioned it before and you rejected it yet he did it anyway. Now, perhaps as was suggested, it was part of the humiliation game. Maybe. I adore humiliation and it is probably the single most profound thing I can experience. But becuase of that it is a very treasured thing to me. Touching on humiliation, the deep stirring kind, had better be well thought out and for reason. I'm a submissive, not a doormat, and if my deep emotions are toyed with just for the fun of the dominant, I will rebel.

But, as in all things in D/s, there is so much subtly and gray area that it is really hard to give any good answers or opinions that cover a wide spectrum. But I do think that the fact that it is bothering you so much says something.

And again, that is all worth just what it is worth.

 

[Kailey_86]

Aftercare. This for me is where I live. Let me first say that my situationis submitting to one and only one person on this planet, my beautiful wife. Only she can bring about my submission. I've ALWAYS dominated others. Male or female, and yes we have had playmates, and I instinctively and naturally, not matter how subtly, dominate them. I'm a natural alpha-male but with a deep dark hidden side that only she has ever brought out. And even now, after all these years, I can still fight the bit. It's who I am and it is what makes my submission, or more specifically, my submission to her so special.

I say that for two reasons. One, to make it clear that my D/s situation is a very loving and emotional one. It isn't play with "detatched" persons and such. We can't walk away from one another after a scene. And two, to convey that I understand the dominant and submissive roles quite well.

So, aftercare. I, me, myself, personally believe, in my most modest opinion that aftercare, in a love-connected relationship, is the difference between abuse or kink. I can't speak to pro-Dom/mes or those relationships that don't involve deep emotion, I see them as something different. Yes, we've had playmates and I/we have always given some form of aftercare but those situations either involved deep emotions or were just flights of fancy. Either way, they still don't fall into the aforementioned categories. So take my point of view and opinion for what it is worth.

I believe aftercare is positively and unquestionably required. Always, always, always. Now, that said, defining aftercare is altogether different and nearly impossible. Aftercare is very situational and subjective. It may be immediate or it may come days later. It may be soft stroking and hugs or it may be a good old fashioned hard fuck. It might be a wink of approval or heavy discussion. It just really depends on the people, the scene, etc.

There are times with my wife and I when I just need to sit for a while and not speak or be touched. Then there are times when I just want to fall into her bosom and curl into her body and be held. Then there are times when I'm jacked full of energy and want to talk. And that's just my feelings, not even mentioning hers. It just really depends. But always, aways, always, at some point, in some way, there will be aftercare.

I think early on, the best form of aftercare is talking. It's strange how we can inflict or subject ourselves to so many things yet freak out about talking about it after it is over. But talking is key. I think there is strength in a dominant who solicites feedback from a sub.

As for your situation Kailey, I don't know the particulars, but what nags me in reading what you've put in this thread is he did it because he wanted to. He mentioned it before and you rejected it yet he did it anyway. Now, perhaps as was suggested, it was part of the humiliation game. Maybe. I adore humiliation and it is probably the single most profound thing I can experience. But becuase of that it is a very treasured thing to me. Touching on humiliation, the deep stirring kind, had better be well thought out and for reason. I'm a submissive, not a doormat, and if my deep emotions are toyed with just for the fun of the dominant, I will rebel.

But, as in all things in D/s, there is so much subtly and gray area that it is really hard to give any good answers or opinions that cover a wide spectrum. But I do think that the fact that it is bothering you so much says something.

And again, that is all worth just what it is worth.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your wife.

He did do it after knowing that i rejected it again. The only reason i think this is ok is because he used it as a punishment after finding out i didn't like it. If he had forced me to do this as part of play, i would have been a bit upset. We talked about it though, like we talk about everything we do, and everything is ok now. He knows how big of an impact this had on me. He won't use this punishment again unless i really deserve it but i won't put myself into a situation like that again.

 

[liberatedslave]

The more intense a scene is, the more I need aftercare. With us it also marks the end of a scene. After Sir has cum he will have me clean him up & it's usually after then that he'll hug me & we'll wind down in each other's arms. When sceneing I do expressly as commanded & it's only after that I can approach him & speak freely. Sometimes I'll need some physical attention but the hugs are more important to me than anything else. Like others, I need to know I'm owned & valued & still in his good books.

 

[Netzach]

Aftercare. This for me is where I live. Let me first say that my situationis submitting to one and only one person on this planet, my beautiful wife. Only she can bring about my submission. I've ALWAYS dominated others. Male or female, and yes we have had playmates, and I instinctively and naturally, not matter how subtly, dominate them. I'm a natural alpha-male but with a deep dark hidden side that only she has ever brought out. And even now, after all these years, I can still fight the bit. It's who I am and it is what makes my submission, or more specifically, my submission to her so special.

I say that for two reasons. One, to make it clear that my D/s situation is a very loving and emotional one. It isn't play with "detatched" persons and such. We can't walk away from one another after a scene. And two, to convey that I understand the dominant and submissive roles quite well.

So, aftercare. I, me, myself, personally believe, in my most modest opinion that aftercare, in a love-connected relationship, is the difference between abuse or kink. I can't speak to pro-Dom/mes or those relationships that don't involve deep emotion, I see them as something different. Yes, we've had playmates and I/we have always given some form of aftercare but those situations either involved deep emotions or were just flights of fancy. Either way, they still don't fall into the aforementioned categories. So take my point of view and opinion for what it is worth.

I believe aftercare is positively and unquestionably required. Always, always, always. Now, that said, defining aftercare is altogether different and nearly impossible. Aftercare is very situational and subjective. It may be immediate or it may come days later. It may be soft stroking and hugs or it may be a good old fashioned hard fuck. It might be a wink of approval or heavy discussion. It just really depends on the people, the scene, etc.

There are times with my wife and I when I just need to sit for a while and not speak or be touched. Then there are times when I just want to fall into her bosom and curl into her body and be held. Then there are times when I'm jacked full of energy and want to talk. And that's just my feelings, not even mentioning hers. It just really depends. But always, aways, always, at some point, in some way, there will be aftercare.

I think early on, the best form of aftercare is talking. It's strange how we can inflict or subject ourselves to so many things yet freak out about talking about it after it is over. But talking is key. I think there is strength in a dominant who solicites feedback from a sub.

As for your situation Kailey, I don't know the particulars, but what nags me in reading what you've put in this thread is he did it because he wanted to. He mentioned it before and you rejected it yet he did it anyway. Now, perhaps as was suggested, it was part of the humiliation game. Maybe. I adore humiliation and it is probably the single most profound thing I can experience. But becuase of that it is a very treasured thing to me. Touching on humiliation, the deep stirring kind, had better be well thought out and for reason. I'm a submissive, not a doormat, and if my deep emotions are toyed with just for the fun of the dominant, I will rebel.

But, as in all things in D/s, there is so much subtly and gray area that it is really hard to give any good answers or opinions that cover a wide spectrum. But I do think that the fact that it is bothering you so much says something.

And again, that is all worth just what it is worth.

My mileage varies a lot on this one. The *more* I play with the same person, whether it's really intense or not, the more the post-play activity is more like a post coital smoke and talking about what was on TV last night - lighter and simpler. I'm much more likely to be incredibly attentive to a person I don't know well.

 

[slavin]

When we're really exhausted he'll let me snuggle up and we take a nap but usually I will clean us both up, put the things back in their place and find something useful to do that doesn't require much thinking.

After a punishment he will sometimes hug me and tell me that the punishment is over but that rarely happens.

He tells me that he loves me and that he's proud of me all the time. I don't really need to hear it after an intense time together. I guess we're not really that much into aftercare, unless I need medical attention that I can't do myself.

When I have been pushed into something new, we will always talk about it a little later so that he knows my thoughts and feelings about it.

How long these things take varies.

 

[FurryFury]

When we first started my online Dom was clearly worried about me and did a good bit of aftercare. After a while I think he's figured out that as long as I know he is happy, then I'm almost always just fine.

With my husband, (beyond making sure he and I are emotionally and physically ok afterwards) it helps to discuss activities that we did with him sometime later when we are NOT in the bedroom. It helps to discuss them more than once because what he HATES and doesn't understand tonight, he might start to really like in a month or two. Which makes it confusing, so you have to talk about it several times over a long stretch of time.

You also have to try to not fall apart when he "hates" something. He has this way of sounding much more negative and harsh to me than he thinks he does. With time his views soften or change. I think he waits to make sure whatever is new and scary doesn't endanger us or something. He's very hidebound.

Fury