An entirely difficult task.

[Adakgirl]

JM-The OP didn't come here asking whether he is submissive. He came here saying it's a "difficult task" trying to find a D who will accept him with all of his limits.

That is not how I read and comprehended his intention JM.

JM-Hence my assumption that gender's the root of the treatment here.

You assumed wrong if you assumed my response had anything to do with gender, I would have said the same thing if the OP was a female.

JM-But again, I don't see the OP asking everybody to judge whether he has self-ID'd correctly

I saw confusion about that in the title of his thread and the 1st thing he said and in the last thing he said. He said it was a difficult task to know what you are ...then turn right around and contradicted himself by IDing as a submissive. Note the question marks. Those lead me to believe he was questioning us as to what he was.

An entirely difficult task.
It's hard to know what you are by reading all these columns. I am submissive

So, what am I, a whimp, a fool, a confused cocksucker or a DomFemales pride and joy??

 

[Adakgirl]

If my honest reply was "toxic" I certainly did not intend it to be.

 

[SirLeo]

Wow

I usually don't intervene in these dialogues, but felt my persepctive might be useful.

This thread certainly raised a bunch of hackles. I guess many people need defintion to feel comfortable, which is fine. Some don't and even feel uncomfortable when they are forced to be defined. IMO it really doesn't matter. Every journey begins with a step, he has taken his first few and is trying to find his way. If he's looking for a D that will accept him as he is and then go on the journey to new places together, then that's great. Wish him well and let's not feel the need to project our own bias' onto his life. Even though he asked. Be well all.

 

[didi_louise]

I think a list of things you won't do is a good thing... I mean I'm more a sub so I wouldn't know really how a DOM thinks... but surely if someone falls at your feet and does EVERYTHING straight away... it must be boring, lol... where as if there's a list of things you won't do it gives a sort of challange, doesn't it? for the DOM to intoruduce these things... like my example... I'd never go down on someone... bad experience that I won't go into... also cannot let ANYONE go down on me.... but with my hubby we've come over the first one and he wants to get over the second... won't be yet and it'll very hard to get over it but I trust him!!

As for what you are? I dunno.... maybe interested in submission but not quite a sub? obviously something about submission appeals to you but you're not ready to give up your own control on situations, maybe you're slightly afraid of giving up control?

 

[sadangel]

For me, I think a "Will Do" "Won't Do" and "Will try" list is good. For me.

My Hard Limits (Won't do) list is actually not that long. If you were to see it, you'd see that they all are very similar. Each one is because I know that they will cause me to have flashbacks to painful times and memories...or they are torture of a form that I simply cannot tolerate.

My Soft Limits (Might Try) are fewer. They are mostly one's I have not tried yet, that I have apprehension over, as I said in another post on a different thread. Electrical play is one on my Hard Limits list I am apprehensive over, but am educating myself to learn more and see it becoming a I might try one day.

There are a number on my Curious list. Things I haven't tried that intrigue me. That I'd like to try.

There are some already on my Will Do list, that I've experienced. I've experienced Spanking with a paddle for instance. Ten years ago, and it was the beginning of the journey I'm on now with learning more about me and BDSM in general. There are some on that list that I have not experienced but am certian I will enjoy. Simply because I know me.

I haven't had the chance to try in real life. But I'm educating myself now with learning what I can and hope one day to be able to experience them with a safe person. At this point in life....for me, safewords are needed. With the right person, I can see where safewords could be removed and I'd still feel safe.


I guess I wonder if some would think I'm not submissive because I have not had a chance to engage in the reality of it to a large degree. I had some experience with it 10 years ago, but did not know that it was called submissivness. It was simply me deferring to my partner of the time. Does lack of RL expeirence make me any less a submissive? Does my being an independent, free thinking, protective person make me less submissive?

I do not think it does...but I know that there are those who may think otherwise.
Ok. Rambling over.

 

[lilylicious]

I sometimes miss the subtle nuances, or as someone said earlier, the "body language" of writing. So maybe my breaking it down as I have is over simplifying things but I'm doing it anyway. I'm taking him at his word, literally.

It's hard to know what you are by reading all these columns. I am submissive . . .

Maybe the OP really is unsure. He says "it's hard to know."

. . . occasionally I find one who needs a guy like me and when I do there is little I won't do to please or amuse her.

To me this says submissive with limits. Nothing wrong with that.

Now to answer the OP's question:

So, what am I, a whimp, a fool, a confused cocksucker or a DomFemales pride and joy??

I think it's your Domme's prerogative, when you find one, to call you any one or more of those things. However, since you ASKED, of those things you listed "confused cocksucker" seems to fit you best.

Seriously though, it just seems to me like you're a guy with submissive traits and limits trying to find his place. Hang in there.

 

[curious476]

It seems I caused quite a stir, didn't really mean to as I was just musing. I think Lilylicious has some very valid points. I believe I am a submissive with limits. Finding the right Domme is absolutely the answer. I derive a great deal of pleasure from sexual humiliation, sucking a cock for a lady's amusement is one of those special humiliation I like and with the right lady I would do it simi publically, like a gloryhole or at a party but to meet a guy alone and suck his cock I would not care for.
I love performing for a lady and when she gets off there is no limit!

I sometimes miss the subtle nuances, or as someone said earlier, the "body language" of writing. So maybe my breaking it down as I have is over simplifying things but I'm doing it anyway. I'm taking him at his word, literally.



Maybe the OP really is unsure. He says "it's hard to know."



To me this says submissive with limits. Nothing wrong with that.

Now to answer the OP's question:



I think it's your Domme's prerogative, when you find one, to call you any one or more of those things. However, since you ASKED, of those things you listed "confused cocksucker" seems to fit you best.

Seriously though, it just seems to me like you're a guy with submissive traits and limits trying to find his place. Hang in there.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Just sliding in with my two scents:

The whole question of "what does that make me, a submissive, a slave or what" is a potential spiral of semantics. Not that that's a bad thing necessarily, but a label won't tell you much.

I'm sure you (the OP) are someone's daydream, whatever you may choose to name as your limits and whatever terminology you land on. But I keep going back to the wonderful phrase Homburg used a while back, which I tend to occasionally employ in a pejorative sense: a "fetishy, do-me bottom". Those are fine. I'm all about those, in fact. To a certain point I'd even define myself that way. But they shouldn't call themselves submissives; there's a service orientation there that is very important to those who define themselves that way, as you've seen.

While it's good to be clear about one's boundaries, starting with what you WON'T do is going to give the impression that you're about to be "topping from the bottom," which is another one of those phrases that sparks endless semantic discussions. Start with what you WILL offer, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself to be, as you say, some Domme's daydream.

 

[curious476]

My two cents

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could let a woman read my mind! From the very beginning of my sexual life going down on a woman has always been the most important, most exciting and arousing thing I could do or want. Making those thought known has always been hard for me, so I beat around the bush a lot but I'll come clean with the truth and say that there are few limits for me if a woman responds to my need to perform cunnilingus.
There I've said it, I'm addicted and as Forest Gump said "and that's all I'm going to say about that!"

 

[lilylicious]

I believe I am a submissive with limits. Finding the right Domme is absolutely the answer.

Finding the right partner with similar interests and limits is ALWAYS the answer. It's also the challenge.

While it's good to be clear about one's boundaries, starting with what you WON'T do is going to give the impression that you're about to be "topping from the bottom," which is another one of those phrases that sparks endless semantic discussions. Start with what you WILL offer, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself to be, as you say, some Domme's daydream.

There's a reason why PYLs and pyls on CollarMe.com post their interests and limits in their profiles. No one wants to waste their time with someone they have no shot of connecting with.

I think there is a way to discuss your boundaries without it seeming like you are doing the dreaded "topping from the bottom" thing. Discussing limits AND interests in the same conversation, or even via a BDSM checklist, may be your answer. However, a good PYL will probably ask about your interests and limits initially or lead you into this type of discussion pretty quickly after meeting you.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could let a woman read my mind!

LOL That would sure simplify things!

 

[curious476]

Lily's advice

Lily I know you are sincere in telling me about the place to go online but I've tried them all and no luck. I probably have to finally come to the realization that the woman I search for does not exist. No woman wants a guy just to go down on her for her own selfish pleasure and that is what I look for in a woman. A woman who will use me and my addiction for her own selfish desires. That is what will get me off, that's the kind of humiliation I need to get myself off. What I haven't been truthful about is the fact that I have been impotent for a long time. When I wasn't I could always cloak my real passion by pretending that fucking was my main desire, but when women find out that there is no hard cock in my pants they seem to loose interest in just having me go down on them.
I haven't much choice anymore, couples with a bi-male wanting to use a guy like me are the only chance I have left other than call girls which can get very expensive when used as often as I require.
So thanks lovely lady but the chance of finding someone truly understanding is slowly fading away.

 

[lilylicious]

No woman wants a guy just to go down on her for her own selfish pleasure and that is what I look for in a woman. A woman who will use me and my addiction for her own selfish desires.

Surely you can find this if you are talented enough to satisfy a woman completely.

What I haven't been truthful about is the fact that I have been impotent for a long time. When I wasn't I could always cloak my real passion by pretending that fucking was my main desire, but when women find out that there is no hard cock in my pants they seem to loose interest in just having me go down on them.

I've actually read, in this very forum in fact, about guys who haven't had intercourse with their wives in years because they stay satisfied with their man's oral skills.

However, I can't personally validate that because as much as I enjoy using a guy like that, on occasion, I still want cock. I can't help myself.

I do wish you the best of luck. I'd encourage you to keep looking. I believe there is someone out there for you!

 

[ihavehope444]

I know you are directing your question at JM but I am going to answer you anyway. No it does not mean you are not a submissive. Yes, the description you give of yourself does describe a submissive. But submissives should also be willing to put their Dominant's needs above their own at all times.

See now, I just can't buy into this anymore. That's too strict a label, or definition. I am submissive and I most definitely will not 100% of the time put my Dom's needs above mine simply because I'm submissive.

How would you ever get out of a bad relationship? How could you ever use a safeword?

Labels, labels, labels--so dangerous.

 

[Adakgirl]

Read again ihavehope, but more carefully. I said "should also be willing" to put their Dominant's needs above their own. I did NOT say they absolutely had to in order to be submissive nor did I say they should do so all the time and in every circumstance. You misread me my dear.

 

[ihavehope444]

Well, in that case Adakgirl, my sincerest apologies.