an open invite to tear a poem to pieces

[butters]

consider it free range on any of my poetry harry it is not an overstep, others comments, thoughts and opinions have shaped where I am currently at, I weigh all opinions on my work and try to improve on it, without hours of research and possibly going back to school, neither of which I have the time for I am building based on opinions from here.

for what it's worth, i think harry's suggestions make a good poem. it retains sound links and doesn't lose momentum or become too broken. i see it almost like the grown up version of your original piece, which i love as it stands.

 

[HarryHill]

Creating Shadows
S3
..
twilight experienced
thrice a day,
sun rise, sun set and
when at last our eyes met
that instant pales all else,
leaving nothing but shadows
in our wake
..........................
The last a little harder to nail down
sunrise and sunset are single words but besides that
there seems to be some subtle adjustment that eludes me right now
congratulations on your H

 

[todski28]

H??

thanks for the look at my poem Harry it helps.

I think I may start using this thread to round up some of my poems and workshop them, maybe try and write something that is not so freaking violent,
I think desejo even dared me to try it once lol

I started wondering if violence is all I have to offer, seems so deep seeded and prevalent in almost everything I write, I even picked a fight with the weather, who the hell does that?

 

[Setanta84]

H??

thanks for the look at my poem Harry it helps.

I think I may start using this thread to round up some of my poems and workshop them, maybe try and write something that is not so freaking violent,
I think desejo even dared me to try it once lol

I started wondering if violence is all I have to offer, seems so deep seeded and prevalent in almost everything I write, I even picked a fight with the weather, who the hell does that?

Seems like a problem of dwelling on the surface of things. You might want to reflect on what drives your fixation on violence and write about those things.

 

[twelveoone]

Seems like a problem of dwelling on the surface of things. You might want to reflect on what drives your fixation on violence and write about those things.

as therapy or poetry?
i.e. perhaps a specific example as too what you referring too, and how it may be improved?

 

[HarryHill]

Seems like a problem of dwelling on the surface of things. You might want to reflect on what drives your fixation on violence and write about those things.

You've joined the conversation late there's no fixation on violence only a mans struggle to deal with childhood trauma. any reflection comes from his mirror, a fear that he is seeing his father. posting regardless of an inclination to delete.

 

[greenmountaineer]

H??

thanks for the look at my poem Harry it helps.

I think I may start using this thread to round up some of my poems and workshop them, maybe try and write something that is not so freaking violent,
I think desejo even dared me to try it once lol

I started wondering if violence is all I have to offer, seems so deep seeded and prevalent in almost everything I write, I even picked a fight with the weather, who the hell does that?

I see the beginning of a poem here, tod. Of course, that's me, not necessarily you.

 

[Angeline]

H??

thanks for the look at my poem Harry it helps.

I think I may start using this thread to round up some of my poems and workshop them, maybe try and write something that is not so freaking violent,
I think desejo even dared me to try it once lol

I started wondering if violence is all I have to offer, seems so deep seeded and prevalent in almost everything I write, I even picked a fight with the weather, who the hell does that?

An H is good. It means at least ten people read and voted on your poem.

I've been thinking about your comment. Of course you have more than violence to offer because you're a complete person who has all kinds of experiences. But we all have themes that we return to over and over in what we write. I write about loss because I'm scarred by it like you are by the violence you experienced. My guess is that you are writing about it a lot now because you are writing every day and there's a lot you need to say about it. When you reach the point where you feel like you're repeating yourself and you are, therefore, not progressing in your writing you have to find new subjects or try telling your stories from different perspectives. Or take a break and do a lot of reading. We all do have our themes but if we work at it we find ways to make them strengths.

 

[butters]

dear mr todski,

the 30 in 30 write here illustrates perfectly what else you have to offer.

yer welcome,

butters

 

[greenmountaineer]

dear mr todski,

the 30 in 30 write here illustrates perfectly what else you have to offer.

yer welcome,

butters

That's really good.

 

[butters]

That's really good.

yes, yes it is. it has heart. speaks of complexity using simple words. but above all else, heart.

 

[todski28]

wanted to quote all of you and say thanks, but umm don't know how.....

 

[HarryHill]

wanted to quote all of you and say thanks, but umm don't know how.....

Me either multi quotes are a mystery

 

[butters]

wanted to quote all of you and say thanks, but umm don't know how.....

to multi quote, tods, see the little box next to the one on the right (bottom of this post) that says Quote? it has speechmarks and a + in? for each post you want to quote, click on those and they turn red.

when you're ready to reply, hit reply and they'll all show up ready for you to answer.

 

[HarryHill]

Me either multi quotes are a mystery

that's so easy now

to multi quote, tods, see the little box next to the one on the right (bottom of this post) that says Quote? it has speechmarks and a + in? for each post you want to quote, click on those and they turn red.

when you're ready to reply, hit reply and they'll all show up ready for you to answer.

....

 

[butters]

that's so easy now


....

it's always easy when you know how

 

[twelveoone]

to multi quote, tods, see the little box next to the one on the right (bottom of this post) that says Quote? it has speechmarks and a + in? for each post you want to quote, click on those and they turn red.

when you're ready to reply, hit reply and they'll all show up ready for you to answer.

You might want to reflect on what drives your fixation on little boxes and replies and write about those things.

and the raven says Quote

Thanks, butters
Now I can be really dangerous and really turn things red.

Happy Boxing Day!

 

[butters]

You might want to reflect on what drives your fixation on little boxes and replies and write about those things.

and the raven says Quote

Thanks, butters
Now I can be really dangerous and really turn things red.

Happy Boxing Day!

smoke and mirrors
smoke makes me cawghfffffhffmm

*pokes you in yer red eye*

HBD!

 

[twelveoone]

H??

thanks for the look at my poem Harry it helps.

I think I may start using this thread to round up some of my poems and workshop them, maybe try and write something that is not so freaking violent,
I think desejo even dared me to try it once lol

I started wondering if violence is all I have to offer, seems so deep seeded and prevalent in almost everything I write, I even picked a fight with the weather, who the hell does that?

advise checking the spinach for steroids, popeye.

I yam what I yam
now where is all that hamburger money you owe me, wimpy, or I kick your ass
har,har,har

 

[todski28]

Traveling the Tarmac

Have to hit the road, flee
in that moment a flash
of glinting steell a pale throat
begging to be opened
set blood free to mingle
with the cross
hatching of tiles over
a laugh in jest
the last laugh a clatter of metal
thrown as I see me*
reflected in the glinting
gleam of his eyes

feet echo out a transient beat
dull thuds
trees breathe in this state
of being I laugh at the wonder
I discover leaping

thoughts trickle and flood
ebbing flows in blood
streaming synapse fire
moons eye is shattered
then recreated in a thousand*
waves

teleported time distorted
illusioned stupor*
Tarmac gives way to dream
time
owl sized eyes see clear
as day in black a cactus stalk
sways waves me forward
race to the cliff face
trail narrows to a foot wide
on either side perilous
death in misted breath
I laugh at being mortal
taste it on the wind

that threatens to upend
my travelling feet
stamping to a perilous
beat

On the road again time
bends
skin grainy
dirty
gritty
crusted in salt painted
streaks of black, brown
and red
head bowed at my faults
tumultuous thoughts
shoes filled with blistered
blood

Foot falls crunch
day light burns
somewhere I fell
somewhere I caught
myself



as per the title of the thread please feel free to pull this apart, I will be back more frequently at the end of march a lot going on at the moment, as soon as that's sorted I need to get some comments happenIng more frequently

 

[twelveoone]

Have to hit the road, flee
in that moment a flash
of glinting steell a pale throat
begging to be opened
set blood free to mingle
with the cross
hatching of tiles over
a laugh in jest
the last laugh a clatter of metal
thrown as I see me*
reflected in the glinting
gleam of his eyes

feet echo out a transient beat
dull thuds
trees breathe in this state
of being I laugh at the wonder
I discover leaping

thoughts trickle and flood
ebbing flows in blood
streaming synapse fire
moons eye is shattered
then recreated in a thousand*
waves

teleported time distorted
illusioned stupor*
Tarmac gives way to dream
time
owl sized eyes see clear
as day in black a cactus stalk
sways waves me forward
race to the cliff face
trail narrows to a foot wide
on either side perilous
death in misted breath
I laugh at being mortal
taste it on the wind

that threatens to upend
my travelling feet
stamping to a perilous
beat

On the road again time
bends
skin grainy
dirty
gritty
crusted in salt painted
streaks of black, brown
and red
head bowed at my faults
tumultuous thoughts
shoes filled with blistered
blood

Foot falls crunch
day light burns
somewhere I fell
somewhere I caught
myself



as per the title of the thread please feel free to pull this apart, I will be back more frequently at the end of march a lot going on at the moment, as soon as that's sorted I need to get some comments happenIng more frequently

Christ. It looks like something I would right,
Excellent enjambment or end o line choice here in these two lines:
with the cross
hatching of tiles over
*interesting effect of over as eol

Now the bad part
synapse
looks like mental laziness for word choice, it stands out, how does it relate in any other way to the rest of the text? This is not a word (in context) that should.

Also anytime you suffix a word you weaken it
glinting can be excused as it adds to the sound, the rest of the ings?
you do the same with -ed throwing it in the past
-y, also be careful here

 

[todski28]

Christ. It looks like something I would right,
Excellent enjambment or end o line choice here in these two lines:
with the cross
hatching of tiles over
*interesting effect of over as eol

Now the bad part
synapse
looks like mental laziness for word choice, it stands out, how does it relate in any other way to the rest of the text? This is not a word (in context) that should.

Also anytime you suffix a word you weaken it
glinting can be excused as it adds to the sound, the rest of the ings?
you do the same with -ed throwing it in the past
-y, also be careful here

Thank you 1201 you always deliver thought out responses especially regarding something I considered I.e. dropping the gritty, grainy etc as well as rewriting some of the ing sounds. As to the word synapse it was used as an allusion for http://teens.drugabuse.gov/educator...ethamphetamine/how-does-methamphetamine-cause

 

[twelveoone]

Thank you 1201 you always deliver thought out responses especially regarding something I considered I.e. dropping the gritty, grainy etc as well as rewriting some of the ing sounds. As to the word synapse it was used as an allusion for http://teens.drugabuse.gov/educator...ethamphetamine/how-does-methamphetamine-cause

It still stands in isolation, either add so it is not so lonely, or get rid.
Just my opinion. Some people like that, I don't, i.e. where is the wire the electricity the crackle, the misfire
?

 

[Neonurotic]

Thank you 1201 you always deliver thought out responses especially regarding something I considered I.e. dropping the gritty, grainy etc as well as rewriting some of the ing sounds.

Since you brought it up, I'd drop the dirty and grainy, leaving the gritty because they're all essentially describing the same. Gritty fits best here because of the next line "crusted in salt painted..." Or drop all three adjectives because they're adjectives, "crusted in salt painted..." could stand alone as it is much stronger without gritty, dirty, grainy then it is with them.

 

[todski28]

It still stands in isolation, either add so it is not so lonely, or get rid.
Just my opinion. Some people like that, I don't, i.e. where is the wire the electricity the crackle, the misfire
?

I think I understand what you are driving at, the word stands out but has no other linkages to the poem and is too obscure a reference where it is to be of any use in it's current place?

Since you brought it up, I'd drop the dirty and grainy, leaving the gritty because they're all essentially describing the same. Gritty fits best here because of the next line "crusted in salt painted..." Or drop all three adjectives because they're adjectives, "crusted in salt painted..." could stand alone as it is much stronger without gritty, dirty, grainy then it is with them.

I was thinking of dropping all three, I feel it creates a less wordy stronger imprint, thanks for the input neo