An Open Letter To _____

[IvoryTigress]

Dear very obvious scam company,

First of all, stop fucking calling me. I have been very nice. I've been polite for these past few months and made a request each and every day you call me to remove my number from your call list. I have informed you that you will never be getting information about my computers. I'm not stupid. I know you're a scam. So, fucking stop calling.

Second, when I ask for your manager, please provide me with one. Don't say "I'm the manager." ...I've worked at a call center. I know how it works.

Third, when you piss me off by insulting my intelligence when questioning me about how I could possibly know what goes on in the background of my computer, that I should have a specialist like you tell me what to do, don't turn into a homophobic prick when I tell you that my wife works in computers and handles all the maintenance of mine. Don't make me stay on the phone for another 10 minutes while you insult my sexuality by asking to speak with my wife just to make sure I'm not telling you lies. That I am, in fact, a woman...and so is she. Don't fucking ask me if I have babies. Don't tell me "Oh, of course you couldn't have them. That's impossible," when I actually grace you with an honest answer because I'm so fucking shocked you would even ask.

Next time you call me, I'm reporting your ass to the Better Business Bureau.

Sincerely,

Me

 

[Ladythunder]

Dear You.

One of these days I am going to make good on that threat of stalking you when you are least expecting it, and pouncing on you from the dark shadowy places I dwell.

Then I will bite you, molest you and leave you in a quivering satisfied heap.

Soon...

Love,

Me.

 

[Ladythunder]

An Open Letter To

My Son.

Today you turn one. Happy Birthday. I'm sorry I wasn't there, but you see, I wasn't invited. One year ago minus two days I kissed you goodbye and gave you to your Daddies to take home. I said, "See you soon Old Man" And I did. We came to your christening, stopped in at the salon to visit. I have watched your Daddies freak out and rejoice at all your little milestones and know too, that I have as well.

Over the last few months I have noticed those updates have diminished. I had no idea a party was being held for you yesterday. I'm sorry.

I am going to start keeping a journal, for the one day you turn to your Daddy and ask about your birth parents, as I don't know how much longer your Dads are going to keep in touch.

I love you Old Man. I know you will be happy and that I made the right choice a year ago today. but it hurts too. so cuddle your Daddies tight and know your Mum has you in her heart.

much love and kisses

Mum

 

[thestruggle]

Dear ____,

First of all, FUCK. Secondly, really? You mean to tell me that in a sixty (almost seventy, really) year old house, no one checked for inner structural damage? You're saying that I was supposed to ignore any - oh, I don't know, PIPE DECAY? Because that's just silly, right?

I mean, god forbid that somebody has allergies or something. That would really suck! And send them to the hospital! AND THEY'RE COMING THIS WEEKEND. But, surely, they wouldn't notice. Of course it would be asinine to assume that such a major detail would ever be overlooked. Oh, it's not? It's easy? It's "very common"? Don't fucking look at me like I have horns coming from my head. I've been unbelievably patient about this for two! Weeks! And I'm not going to be nice anymore. Jesus Christ, I need to hit something.

Also, you think I'm not sorry for using Jay Baruchel GIFs to express my irritation?

You're right.

FUCK OFF SINCERELY,
Me

 

[Britwitch]

To everyone who was there,

Thank you. For listening, for supporting and for keeping me calm.
I didn't think I'd reach the end of the week with my sanity in tact but I have, and it's largely down to the support of friends.
You're awesome!

Brit
x

*~*~*~*~*​

You,

You already know...

Me
x

*~*~*~*~*​

And as for the woman who caused all this mess,

Your last chance flew out of the window almost a week ago. You've been on the thinnest of ice since then and don't think because we're heading away from this hell hole that it's done with and forgotten. Because it isn't.

Never again will you terrify my children with your behaviour. Never again will you put your son into that position.

And never again will I hold my tongue, because believe me, I gave you the edited version of my anger towards you.

You've had your last chance. Don't ever make me have to take them away like that again.
Because if I do, they won't be coming back.

 

[BeautifulDream]

Dear DC (and WB),

I forgave you when you made Ben Affleck the new Batman and some girl who's hardly an Amazonian warrior the new Wonder Woman in the new Batman/Superman movie. I looked past you changing Black Canary to some random girl named Sara (just couldn't make Dinah the Black Canary like in the comics? Seriously?!) in the Arrow. Then there's the Green Lantern movie? Really? And, even when you gave Superman, my favorite Superhero, that awful storyline in Man of Steel, I still remained loyal to you.

I've loved DC comics since I was a child, so I'm willing to forgive you for some bad choices. I mean, you guys still make some awesome comics and animated movies! (Neil Patrick Harris as Dick Grayson and Jensen Ackles as The Red Hood was awesome choices!)

But, if you cast The Rock as Shazam?

I'll fucking disown you.

Do. Not. Do. It.

Sincerely,
-Me

 

[Belvino]

Dear Asshole,

Do you really think your are fooling anyone? Fucking dick! You are so goddamn obvious its ridiculous! Hope you burn in the eternal hell for inconsiderate assholes.

-Me

 

[saysalice]

Dear Husband,

I didn't make you quit when I got pregnant, or when the baby came home.

I didn't make you quit when we found out about Dad's lung cancer - though I did express my wish that we both do what we can, to prevent ever putting our son in this situation.

I know how hard it is to quit, and ultimately it is your body, and your life. I absolutely respect that.

However!

I swear to fucking Christ, if you keep smoking in the basement, thinking that because I don't smell it, I'm none the wiser (hint: flush your butts, dick!), I will start collecting the contents of your ashtrays, bake them into a nice big juicy apple pie and serve it to you some night.*


Do not push your luck, buddy.

OUTSIDE.

Love,

Your horribly-creative-when-she's-exasperated,

not-that-stupid,

wife




* Oh I won't, really. Probably.

 

[SiaKlynn]

Dear Sales Guy,

Yes, you thought you had the upper hand with our excuses and trying to make me look like the bitch bad person.

The bit you got right is me as a bitch. Unfortunately, you are the bigger loser asshole.

Enjoy your downfall.

I am.

 

[ShyTease]

I love this thread

Dear Future Lover,

I've been waiting for you a long time. Sometimes it felt as if you and I would never meet.
But I guess I've always known you even if I couldn't physically see you.

I vow so many things but there is one promise I will keep.

I will never try to change you, your faults, your fears, your look, your mind-set... how you are is how I will receive you.

I hope you can do the same x

Yours Always


The Patient One

 

[Britwitch]

Dear Client,

I took photos of your child, along with 60 others. I spent hours editing each image. Removing the crumbs of breakfast you forgot to wipe away and the snot that you haven't taught them to remove themselves. I calmed your child enough to smile for me on the day and captured that gorgeous image to the best of my ability. I also offer a very reasonably priced service especially when compared with other photographers who do exactly what I do.

So yes, because you ordered it, I will crop the photos you've asked to be cropped, convert and re-edit those that you want in black and white, and all at no extra cost. To be asked if it would be possible, with a simple please, would be nice. Just saying.

Last year I offered various products, because you badgered me about them the year before, and ended up offering them at a loss. So no, I'm not doing that again this year. Deal with it.

Manners cost nothing and I seriously undercharge for my work.

Counting down the months until your kid leaves our school,

Me

Also? Your kid is kinda funny lookin' and there's only so much photoshop will let me do.

 

[Belvino]

Dear Client,

I took photos of your child, along with 60 others. I spent hours editing each image. Removing the crumbs of breakfast you forgot to wipe away and the snot that you haven't taught them to remove themselves. I calmed your child enough to smile for me on the day and captured that gorgeous image to the best of my ability. I also offer a very reasonably priced service especially when compared with other photographers who do exactly what I do.

So yes, because you ordered it, I will crop the photos you've asked to be cropped, convert and re-edit those that you want in black and white, and all at no extra cost. To be asked if it would be possible, with a simple please, would be nice. Just saying.

Last year I offered various products, because you badgered me about them the year before, and ended up offering them at a loss. So no, I'm not doing that again this year. Deal with it.

Manners cost nothing and I seriously undercharge for my work.

Counting down the months until your kid leaves our school,

Me

Also? Your kid is kinda funny lookin' and there's only so much photoshop will let me do.

I'm sorry for your troubles Brit but your last comment did make me laugh out loud.

 

[ShyTease]

To my dearest Breasts.

Good morning. How are you? Did you sleep well?

I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for all the ill fitting bras I've suffocated you in over the years and all the times I've accidently dropped crumbs on you/in you while I've been eating; I'm using napkins these days.

And I hope you know my efforts to loose weight aren't a reflection on you but rather an attempt to get nicer fitting sexier bras that you deserve and want.

I hope I get to play with you ladies soon (I'll be gentler this time) and hope this means I'm forgiven (?)

Love Hands x

 

[DarkWarrioress]

God,

Why did I agree to do this party on Saturday? And then a family one for Sir's son's birthday next Sunday? Both of them dinner parties.

Have I lost my mind?

And if I have, will you please hold it for me until things calm down? Please don't give it away to someone else. It's a pretty twisted thing and I've had it for awhile now. I'm pretty comfortable with it, we're good friends.

 

[saysalice]

Dear self,

You, sir, are drunk. (Sir?) And you use too many commas. Okay, so maybe not DRUNK, but you've had a little/too much wine. I would ask right now that you please DO NOT:

• aha, I can still work the bullets!
• DO NOT:
• try to write anything
• PM anybody
• try to bake anything
• post on Facebook
• put on earphones and sing (kiddo's asleep)
• but especially...and I know you want to...
• please, please, PLEASE do not try to knit on The Most Important Sweater Ever. Please.
• because I know you think you've got this, but I've got one word for you:
• cables.
• no.
• stop it.
• drunkie!
• you're welcome.

You may, however, abuse commas all you like, look for a Halloween av, watch Jenna Marbles, and eat the rest of the chocolate chips in the cupboard (because you're halfway there, anyway). We'll get more for Thanksgiving potluck cookies tomorrow. I won't tell, I promise.

NO KNITTING!

Also, drink some water.

xo,

me

 

[prettyserpentine]

Dear Two-Doors-Down Neighbour,

We all know you have a motorbike. We all know you like to rev it for about an hour every Saturday.

I hate you.

me.

 

[Intensityrising]

Dear Wal-Mart shopper,

Excuse me enormous lady in the motorized cart blocking the aisles. You basket filled with Oreos, Twinkies, a jumbo size bag of sourpatch kids, and a large coke from the McDonald's at the entrance because you might get thirsty on your one track shopping trip. I am going to follow you out to your car and if I see a handicap sticker in the window I am going to slash your tires.

Also you smell like ham that has been left outside in the summer heat for some reason.

Sincerely,
Rage rising.

 

[saysalice]

Dear Vail,

You want my loose lips all over your...inbox?

Careful what you wish for.

alice

 

[Angeleyz]

Dear Jackass Building Manager-

Thanks to today's involuntary mammogram, I guess we all know now that there are supposed to be people stationed on each floor before you decide to test the monthly safety tests of the elevators. I would highly recommend you avoid taking the stairs anytime soon lest you fall victim to a retaliatory frontal wedgie!

Angel

P.S. No - you will not get photos from the doctor for the insurance paperwork. His report will have to suffice...

 

[prettyserpentine]

Dear Boss

I'm a good worker. I'm one of the most reliable workers in here. I do lots of overtime, I come in whenever you ask, I make you tea when you ask, I put up with all the disgusting innuendos, I field the calls from your wife, I lie when you ask me to, I basically do as I'm told. I put up with all your sexist, caveman bullshit. I put up with the fact that a lot of shit that goes on here is illegal.

So I don't think its out of this world that I get paid. It's now been almost 7 weeks and all I've got from you is a measly 25% of what you owe me.

You really don't want to fuck me off when you run a tiny business that can be easily starved by social media and local knowledge.

Beyond pissed,

me.

 

[Fish_Tales]

Dear everyone

I wish I was around more and could write more.

But I'm not.

I write for Vail's thread, but even that is a long time between posts. It's easier because I can be selfish and not worry about holding anyone else up, which is something I'm always conscious of.

I hope things calm down. I do miss the banter.

Bye

Fish

 

[Light Ice]

Dear Friend,

Few people will understand the aching sadness that you were going through. I do. We would talk and talk about how glad we were for one another as we went through this, the broken bits of it, in that we'd found our way to have someone with us who knew almost exactly the course and means by which we could forge our break from something as destructive as our marriages. It was empowering and comforting.

I had no idea.

So, frankly, fuck you. Fuck you for leaving me here alone to wonder whether or not I should have felt or seen or heard something in our time together and kept you from doing what you did. Fuck you for the guilt of being here when you are not. Fuck you for the guilt of keeping our darkest talks in confidence at your request and now eating every one of those words in the quiet wonder that I might have done something to have kept this from happening.

Fuck you for being so stupid and impulsive. Fuck you for setting a precedent so that everyone else now feels the need to repeatedly ask me over and over how I'm doing. It is as though your decisions has transferred onto me simply because our circumstances were so similar.

How could you?

You've fucking kids, man. Kids. And whether you and her found steady ground or not how could you leave her to try and explain that and live with that for those little humans you helped bring into this world? I don't fucking understand, man. I can't. It's just something so fucking dark and sad that I shut down inside all over again. It feels like some kind of dramatic setback against all the things I've been doing and I had no idea, no idea, you were going to do this.

I love you. I wish I could have helped. Oh, god, man. I know the feeling and the darkness and the unwillingness and inability to believe that it will ever be better and that you will ever be past all of the hurt and the aching hardship but you were young and had a life ahead of you and it would have been fine. You'd have found happiness. I would have been there to see it. I was hoping we'd find it at the same time so we could share intimately in something a bit more than the darker parts of life's journey.

Fuck, man.

Fuck.

How could you?

 

[SiaKlynn]

Dear Mom,

I love you and nothing can change that because even when you hurt me I can't forget the years you put into raising me. However, when you told me that it's my fault my daughter is gay I was crushed. I don't know where to go from here. I know we're different with our own beliefs but I have chosen not to believe in Christ. I've seen nothing but fake awful people who do what the fuck they want despite the consequences or how they should be. It's all false. And GAY is not a problem that can be taught to avoid or prayed away. I will defend my daughter till the end even if it means not having a relationship with you. You know what your beliefs cost, I know too.

Sincerely,
Once your favorite kid

 

[Scuttle Buttin']

Oh, Sia...

*hugs*

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Dear Mom,

I love you and nothing can change that because even when you hurt me I can't forget the years you put into raising me. However, when you told me that it's my fault my daughter is gay I was crushed. I don't know where to go from here. I know we're different with our own beliefs but I have chosen not to believe in Christ. I've seen nothing but fake awful people who do what the fuck they want despite the consequences or how they should be. It's all false. And GAY is not a problem that can be taught to avoid or prayed away. I will defend my daughter till the end even if it means not having a relationship with you. You know what your beliefs cost, I know too.

Sincerely,
Once your favorite kid

Damn, that came from a place of real pain. My family doesn't approve of my religious views, either.