And the bad...Tales of Relationship Crises

[FurryFury]

My husband and I are also this way. I pretty much know that no matter what I do he won't leave and he knows the same. Some of this came from our parents, both are still together, and some came from being raised Mormon. I'm not actually making a judgement here about people who do choose to divorce. I would be lying if I didn't say there were times I wished that was an option.

We play BDSM games in the bedroom but they are mostly for me. He enjoys it and I am learning to accept that he will never identify with it in the same way I do.

We have lived through some difficult times; infertility, debt, depression (mine), crisis of faith, kids (4), sexual compatibility problems...but because divorce was just never on the table we have to work it out. There is no "out" which makes disagreements go down a bit differently I think. Both of us are pretty quick to compromise for the other if it looks like something is really important to one of us, him a bit more so in a general day to day living sense. I can be somewhat exhausting to live with and he has made a lot of adjustments over the years to accomodate my idiosyncrasies.

Despite being somewhat eccentric I will, however, do just about anything for the people I care about....seriously. They often do not even have to ask. If I know x is important to my husband I figure out a way to make it happen even if I'm not completely on board. Once I make the decision to be supportive I am. The only time I carry resentment is if I acquiesece to something I disagree with before I've really gotten myself "there" and I can't really describe how I get myself "there". Its usually about my perception of how much they want something and whether or not I feel they understand my reservations. If someone I care about wants something very badly I will generally become very active in helping to make whatever it is happen. I am just as active and inexhaustible when I want something so I generally get what I want as well. Everyone wins.

Sounds like we think and do things very much the same. Though I've been divorced before, I didn't consider it an option then either but he did.

LOL.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Like Furry and Alexanna, mine is not a bdsm relationship. But we've been together a very long time and we always will be. It's not that I wouldn't leave under any circumstances, it's just that I know those circumstances won't arise because I know him.

I opened up about matters submissive/sexual a couple of years ago. He's not kinked, but he's an open and cooperative kind of a guy--GGG in Dan Savage speak. If he were kinked I would absolutely love it. I read about some of the relationships here with no small amount of jealousy.

I'm not sure, assuming a generous and loving partner, that total sexual compatibility is a must have. I know it's not for me. I'm pretty sure I couldn't be with a guy with a radically different approach to politics or money. Values stuff.

Sex I can have with me.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm singling this out to say that nothing here is mutually exclusive from being a bottom. Nor even a Top, Dom, sub, slave, or plain old vanilla. You can fuss over, worry about, and make happy regardless of how you love someone. And I'm not saying this to bark at you about inclusion, I'm saying this to get the point across that service exists in many ways and flavours.

I guess my problem is that anything you agonise over, fret about, and worry over shoul dbe examined very closely for its' worth. If you lose sleep, metaphorically speaking, over submissive feelings, ask yourself why.

I guess what I am saying is that "submissive" is an identity, whereas "submission" is an act, and just like delivering a lett doesn't make you a postman, so does a bit of submission not necessarily mean you are a submissive.

Don't fret so much, BB. You rock.

Well, true, but there's more to it than that, and I guess I'm not articulating well. I won't keep jacking ITW's thread, though! Maybe I should go start another one?

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I've met him when I was 14 yo. He was the kind of guy with who girls just fall in love, I wasn't different. My first boy, my first man, my first love. I knew he's the man I wanna live with from the very begining. We married when I was 18. Lots of things happened then. Nice things and not so nice things as well. When I look into his eyes and stroke his face or hairs it's still the man with who I fall in love 15 years ago.

The same eyes, the same smile, the same love. Lots of things changed between me and him while all those years. A lot happened, maybe too much, but when he kiss me like this or when he touch me like that I can't help what I feel it's all coming back to me and I know I love him just the same as I did 15 years ago. Thing is I am not sure anymore if it's good or bad. If this love is a blessing or a curse of my life.

The relationship crises. I know them so well, we went thro manys. I always thought as long as we are still together that we have won. We are together again atm, but can't say we have won just yet. Guess just time will show if we will ever REALLY make it thro. I won't give up, I am trying, BUT ....... it needs two.

I love this poem

"Flower"

Father … do you remember that day
When you told me about the most beautiful flower in the world
How it is hard to find
Even if our eyes are wide open
And our hearts are working with them too
I found that flower father
Yes I did…
It was my first flower father
I was attracted to her colors and fragrance
The fragrance of her made me drunk
Strange feeling inside me
Made me fly in the sky
Swim in the seven seas of happiness
For me it was just like a dream
No one dares to wake me from my fantasy
Everyday I smile to her with tears in my eyes
Fearing that I'm going to lose her one day
But you know what father
It turned out that she has thorns
I got hurt and my heart was the first to bleed
First time I know those beautiful things can hurt us so much
With pain digging deep inside us
Father I feel pain….
Everything around me is painful too
I am dying father…
The flower killed me…
Every breath I take is making me cry…
My eyes are starting to lose their light…
Father last request before I pass away….
Don't put flowers on my grave


I remeber the day when I have found this poem on the net. It touched me deeply as I found it in time when I discovered that love someone is not just the nice times. My heart was hurting for the first time and I have learn how hard it is to forgive sometimes.

My mum told me this that time:

Love doesn't mean just like someone
Love means to trust and know the truth.
Love means to forgive and offer your hand again,
Love means separate up the soul and the heart.


I am easy with forgiving people, don't think it's always a good thing tho. From my personal experience I can say that in love wins the one who love less. Sad but true.

 

[intothewoods]

Well, true, but there's more to it than that, and I guess I'm not articulating well. I won't keep jacking ITW's thread, though! Maybe I should go start another one?

Jack away, er, something like that. It's not all about me - and really, how much is there to say on my original question.

 

[Marquis]

So. For those of you who are in long term relationships, when and how did you decide that the person you are with was worth this? Or a better way to put it might be, that the person you are with was the right person to defer to when you don't want to, to compromise for, etc.? And if you have made it through a crisis that tested your commitment, I would love to hear about whatever details you are willing to share. Thank you.

My lover and I go through crises every day.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I fear for my own sanity should I look into the closet. For within this closet, there is almost certainly a shirt, being hung on a plastic hanger, that has quite clearly been designated as a wooden hanger shirt.

As surely as my name is Marquis, I know this to be true, without looking.

And yet somehow I find it in my heart to forgive.

 

[intothewoods]

My lover and I go through crises every day.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I fear for my own sanity should I look into the closet. For within this closet, there is almost certainly a shirt, being hung on a plastic hanger, that has quite clearly been designated as a wooden hanger shirt.

As surely as my name is Marquis, I know this to be true, without looking.

And yet somehow I find it in my heart to forgive.

Ms. Crawford, I presume?

You are truly an inspiration.

 

[Marquis]

Ms. Crawford, I presume?

You are truly an inspiration.

*the sound of something whizzing over my head*

 

[intothewoods]

*the sound of something whizzing over my head*

Joan Crawford? No wire hangers and all that?

 

[AvaAdore]

My lover and I go through crises every day.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I fear for my own sanity should I look into the closet. For within this closet, there is almost certainly a shirt, being hung on a plastic hanger, that has quite clearly been designated as a wooden hanger shirt.

As surely as my name is Marquis, I know this to be true, without looking.

And yet somehow I find it in my heart to forgive.

Seriously, what's up with the wooden hanger thing? My boyfriend seems to think they are really important for some reason.

 

[AvaAdore]

I was 17 and he was almost 19 when we met. I was just starting university, he was in his second year. I met him a few times at parties in the first semester, had a few chats but I never really noticed him until the second semester when we were in the same calculus class.

When I was 15 I moved to New Zealand, and wasn't really able to form close friendships with people. But with the two of us, I felt like we just clicked. Oone morning I woke up and suddenly realized that there was something much stronger than friendship there. Problem was, I had a boyfriend back in the US. That made the situation pretty awkward. I spent two or three months in denial. I was with my ex for three and a half years, which is a long time and not an easy thing to let go of. I couldn't take the situation any longer, so I broke it off with my ex and got with my current boyfriend soon after. I definitely wasn't ready for a new relationship, and we tried to take it slow, but couldn't really help it.

Now, my bf has a lot of issues. Sexual abuse when he was a child and such. He only really started growing emotionally once he went to university, so you could say he was a few years behind everyone else. In addition, he was failing a lot of classes, and not because of intelligence (he's really bright). This really didn't make the relationship easy. I think it was hardest in the 2nd and 3rd years, and I really felt ready to quit sometimes. Watching someone you love fail over and over again and not be able to pull themselves out of it is torture. I can't say I'm unscathed from it all.

Still, we love each other. I can't imagine being with anyone else because he just feels right, despite all the problems. If I could do it all again, I would, though I wish I had the experience I have now. He is a lot better now, but our relationship still has ups and downs (though I gather that's normal!). I don't know if we'll ever have a "normal" relationship, because I don't think he can ever be a "normal" person. You can't just get cured of your past and suddenly be perfectly well-adjusted. But that's okay!

It's all well and good to just break up with someone because they are too much trouble, but when you really feel like the other person is your soulmate, you stay with them. Either that, or I never reached my limit in the whole cost/benefit thing. We've been together for over 5 years now.

For the record, we do BDSM play, but don't have a purely BDSM relationship. We are also engaged.