Any success stories or advice on guiding repressed/religious spouse to sexual fun and freedom?

[Tweedledude]

I can relate. When dating, we were daring by church standards (me sucking her breasts, she gave a lap dance and I orgasmed) but then we felt guilty and dialed it back. Then marriage and sex once every 2-3 weeks as newlyweds. 25 years later...

I'm lucky I have freedom to push the envelope now. She trusts me even after a poorly timed (for me) 3 week sermon series on sex, lust and porn when I'm right in the middle of working on opening her to more erotic viewpoints. Geesh. But I pushed back, openly disputed some (not all) of what was said, used some reason and logic and nuance, and she literally complemented me on my thoughts. So I'm in a better position than ever! Just trying to navigate and take it slow, don't push too hard too soon.

I mean this is someone who journals about Scripture every day, leads a Bible study which I'm happy for her to do, it's great, but we are steeped in this purity culture undercurrent. However, I am getting her thinking in terms of "married couples have freedom" like me masturbating to "erotica" (with her), sex toys and such. But I realize now it could be a lot worse. I sympathize with those who face a brick wall in their spouses.

Update: She offered for me to write an erotic story which I'm working on. She changed her mind from a few weeks ago, didn't seem interested and now she is asking when she can read it. Who is this woman?
But I'm seizing the opportunity. I'd like to start small/a little vanilla on the story lines and work my way up to some nice, raunchy stories and 3 way fantasy type themes.

Wow

 

[Tweedledude]

There are definitely enough of us here

Agreed

 

[MH2024hot]

For my wife yes, it's absolutely based on the church and how she was raised. She has made many comments about what she was taught as a young girl and teenager about sex and sex being sinful. FWIW she was raised as a Lutheran. I have no idea what she might have actually been taught in church, Sunday school, etc. but that's always been her excuse for not doing certain things in the bedroom. For all I know it might have been her mother (certified batshit crazy BTW) clutching a Bible and lecturing her about sex that put it all in her head.

That's hard. Parental influence was an issue for my wife as well but in their case it was more well meaning, old fashioned type people who couldn't talk openly about it and when they did, it was frequently in the negative. They would have said married sex is great but no specifics and it's unhelpful after year's of "can't do this," and "don't think about that" etc.

Is she open to reconsidering her views when you talk to her about it, or won't entertain it at all, or how does she respond?

As an example, our pastor said erotic novels were a negative influence period but my wife reconsidered when we discussed that Song of Solomon was clearly erotic so doesn't matter if it's in the Bible or from Barnes and Noble (with some limits). I'm fortunate that's she's open, but I also had to press the issue a bit.

 

[Tweedledude]

Have a great day all hopefully we can find joy and peace on this wonderful Wednesday. Yahooooo

 

[naughtyandy4u]

No problem, Mischief. I think the problem for some religions is that everything about sex tends to be in the negative, can't do this, watch out for that, etc even though Song of Solomon for example, which is in the Bible, is very erotic. I'm not expecting to win people here to the church but I am interested in how they managed to find some compromise and new ways of moving forward together with their spouse, hopefully while maintaining a commitment to faith - just without the old, repressive ways of viewing pleasure.

It’s confusing to me how sex and religion are intertwined. In my thinking, God intended sex to feel good, but women usually are the only ones that are supposed to suppress those natural feelings.

You are correct, from the beginning two shall become one, dedicated to each other. Paul in Corinthians tells us how we should not neglect each others (sexual) needs. As others have said it is various erroneous teachings that have caused the problems. One of the biggest lies to me is that sex is only for procreation, rather it should provide a deep bond in a physical as well as spiritual way. Btw I am from what many consider a conservative Christian background, however we were always taught to seek out the truth and test what we were told. Be like the Bereans.

 

[MH2024hot]

I've got my wife to agree that we have freedom in marriage and that the usual anti-porn hysterical mentality of the church is overly simplistic, although she's not at the point of watching a porn DVD with me. And I don't necessarily need her to do that. I just need to see how far and fun we can take this...I'll get a good idea when I show her my (first) erotic story that I'm writing for us.

 

[dkak001]

A couple books...Come As You Are

I highly recommend this one too. We bought it, and read it together, discussing the ideas when we finished a chapter together.

Update: She offered for me to write an erotic story...She changed her mind from a few weeks ago... Who is this woman?

She's your wife, duh!

But in all seriousness it sounds like she's working through something that's really big to her. Maybe even something "transformative". Don't underestimate how hard this can be for someone, or how big a deal it might be to her. These sorts of things take time, a lot of time. I'm betting she's trying to process how her new ideas and feelings mesh with everything she has been taught and learned previously. Trying to balance what you think are two opposing sets if ideas and feelings is NOT easy, especially if this is new territory. She's probably not sharing everything she's thinking and feeling with you. She might not even be able to put it together in words to express. If this is the case, she really needs your support, understanding, and especially your patience. Check in with her, how she's doing and feeling and what she's thinking and let her lead the conversations.

She may never fully come around to see things the way you to, but the fact that she's flip-flopping on some things means she's thinking about it.

 

[FaryalHijabi]

This is why you need a submissive Muslim wife like me

 

[Rob_Royale]

I have a friend who had a similar issue with his wife. Just like our OP seems to be doing, he took it slow. But once he got her to the point where she'd allow him to go down on her, the floodgates opened wide (literally) when she had her first clitoral/G-spot orgasm. "Why would God give me the ability to feel this wonderful if he didn't want me too?" To this day they have a terrific monogamous sex life. Wishing everyone in this situation the best of luck.

 

[MH2024hot]

Long Update regarding my very religious church wife and my attempts to open our sex life up to more erotica.

We've had several discussions over the past few months, including talking frankly about porn (our church did some sermons on sex) and she's been open to my middle ground views on enjoying erotica. I specifically agreed with some of the sermons but pushed back hard on other points and she was very open to my thoughts which I also put in writing for her (she likes it when I write) but there's been no movement forward yet. Just agreeing conceptually to a new view on sex in our marriage but more of the status quo.

Well...I wrote her another letter and laid it all out there: that I want to jerk off to a porn mag during our upcoming vacation and cum all over the pages while she watches and encourages me. To share my hunger and lust with her. Mind you, I'm telling this to the woman who a decade ago thought porn destroyed marriages.

I wrote that I bought sex toys for both of us, that I loved masturbating while watching women using them and that it turns me on. I also wrote that I wanted her to try oral sex on me (and specifically admitted that I've watched videos of two women giving a guy a blow job).

Finally, I told her that I'm still writing our adult story BUT that I want complete freedom to be very naughty about the story. She earlier said no "three way sex" themes but I'm now trying to push back on that. I said "it's just a story, we will be fine."

Her response: A big smile and a comment about how it's sweet what I wrote in my conclusion about wanting a new start on our marital priorities and also sex

Wow. Wow. Wow.

She then asked about when I was going to buy a magazine, and I admitted that I already made one ( I spent about 20 hours over last 7 months collecting my top 30 pics and pasting in Word, I told her a porn magazine is hit or miss, too many young women and I prefer more mature. Again, she's smiling, very relaxed as I said I found my own pics which progress from sexy women fully dressed, to slutty lingerie pics and to fully naked.

I told her she didn't need to feel any competition. She suggested with a smile that I should digitally alter her face on the pics of women with big breasts and I said "sure, I'd jack off to that". (I could do that with AI. But I will take that for a future possibility.). That kind of shocked me that she said that, but I love it.

Then I said I'd love to have a magazine of her that I could masturbate to and she looked serious and said "ya, but who would take the pics, I wouldn't want a guy to."

OMG, I'm literally having this conversation with my wife as she then briefly changes subject about what she's going to pack for the vacation, then she starts talking about church tomorrow and some ministry she's helping with. Then back to dildos I bought. Wonderful. She's completely at ease. This is surreal.

So...it's on. I'll be cumming on porn stars in a matter of days and confessing my lust with my wife (which is what I want as opposed to jerking off alone); I'll be watching my wife fuck a very realistic, veiny and circumcised looking dick and I'll be getting a nice blow job. I'm excited.

This is the fruition of years of hoping, fear, set backs and frustration. My "magazine jack off" plan started in Feb.

I told her she's very kind and good to me and thanked her for loving me.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

I don't really think if this is what you want to hear, but I can kind of relate.

I was a devote Christain during my 20s and extremely sexually repressed. I still masturbated, watched porn, and read erotica, but I hated myself for it. Guilt and shame were my constant companions. I had sex with my husband, but it was bad and I didn't know how to talk about it.

I've been doing a lot of growing over the past couple years and one of the things I let go of was my religious faith. Guilt and shame are still present in my life, but I am proud to say that I am a sexual woman who loves sex. Liking sex isn't a son.

I'm not very good at sex, but I'm getting better, and so is my husband. It's hard to talk about some things, but I'm trying. Our sex life is the best it's ever been.

I'm not saying you and your wife have to leave your faith like I did, but I encourage her to ask herself this question: If I wasn't religious, how would I feel/ think about sex?

 

[MH2024hot]

I don't really think if this is what you want to hear, but I can kind of relate.

I was a devote Christain during my 20s and extremely sexually repressed. I still masturbated, watched porn, and read erotica, but I hated myself for it. Guilt and shame were my constant companions. I had sex with my husband, but it was bad and I didn't know how to talk about it.

I've been doing a lot of growing over the past couple years and one of the things I let go of was my religious faith. Guilt and shame are still present in my life, but I am proud to say that I am a sexual woman who loves sex. Liking sex isn't a son.

I'm not very good at sex, but I'm getting better, and so is my husband. It's hard to talk about some things, but I'm trying. Our sex life is the best it's ever been.

I'm not saying you and your wife have to leave your faith like I did, but I encourage her to ask herself this question: If I wasn't religious, how would I feel/ think about sex?

Thank you, I appreciate your comments and I can imagine that was a difficult journey.

Truthfully, if we weren't religious, our sex life would be incredible.

She was a bit raunchy when we dated (despite that we were going to a very conservative religious college). And she initiated it. We went pretty far, not sex but definitely not what you would expect from your typical evangelical Christians back in the 90s. But I absolutely failed to realize and develop that sexual part of her. I should have seen the potential. After marriage she defaulted to what I would call a church wife's view of sex and pleasure. And I defaulted to porn and venting my lust elsewhere because it was difficult for me to view her as a source and even object of pleasure AND someone that I cared for and loved. But that is changing now, thank God.

I think she would say that she would have very different views too. But I believe that for her, she would negatively change as a person if she left her faith. I think it's different for everyone but I'm convinced it would be negative for her. It's an essential part of her. She has a beautiful, joyful aspect about her, positive and kind and I wouldn't want anything to harm that, even if glorious, completely free and erotic three way sex and open marriage were my reward. I'm ok sacrificing some of that for her, if that makes sense. But we can't keep the status quo either.

I was heading down a path that wasn't good for either of us and I was about to just dive in to the sex club and legalized massage parlor scene but I stopped myself and said hey, I'm willing to go this far for my own pleasure but why not take a complete risk with my wife, just dive in and try to reform this marriage even if it means embarrassing myself or offending her. To start being honest and open.

We are now on a new journey, keeping our commitment to faith and agreeing to explore sex without the Puritanical baggage. She's now accepting exploring erotica in our marriage and for me personally, that's incredibly satisfying and an unimaginable departure from what she believed about it years ago. It's been years of trying to work up the courage to ask, testing boundaries and finally just going for it and asking her.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

But I absolutely failed to realize and develop that sexual part of her. I should have seen the potential

She has to realize and develop that part of herself. You can help and encourage her, but that's ultimately up to her. Your wife is a whole human being, not an object that you can manipulate into doing what you want. I think it's so great that you're encouraging her to read erotica. I love erotica.

Another thing that helps me relax during sex is THC, whether I ate edible gummies or smoked flower. I don't know if you and your wife are into that, or if you live in a place where it's legal (I do).

But I believe that for her, she would negatively change as a person if she left her faith.

I totally get this. I feel the same way about my husband.

Good luck, and thanks for responding. I hope you and your wife find sexual bliss.

 

[MH2024hot]

I'm totally open to THC. And I've suggested it to her in the past. We are going on vacation to a place where it is legal...so I'll bring it up with her again.

Thanks for your comments and will let you know how it all goes.

 

[expertlinguist]

This is a place to share success stories, what worked for you, or those seeking advice and perhaps it will give some hope to others.

I'm still working on it but it's going better than I would have imagined after 20 plus years of no hope and struggle.

I've written about this on Literotica. Briefly, the sex was rare and uncreative, even as newlyweds, every 2 to 4 weeks for 20-plus years. She thought any type of porn/erotica was sin and that sex toys, fantasy and masturbation were unnatural and weird. It led me to satiating myself with porn and cam models.

My wife is a good, kind, and caring woman but I needed this part of our relationship to change. It was made worse by the roadblock of occasional, misguided sermons throughout our teen and adult years focused on lust, sexual desire and porn as sin rather than addressing the problem of repressive views which deny sexual freedom within marriage.

So I recently revealed my porn habit to her, and it was unapologetic. I think that was important and it moved the debate from the supposed "evils" of porn to her attitude which helped lead me to it. I also had to help her theologically, to truthfully frame "erotica" as a healthy and good option for our marriage within her religious construct. It's basically a trade off: I won't look at porn by myself but she'll try new things and experiment with erotica with me.

I would love to hear about similar struggles and what is working in your relationship.

Never touched a "religious freak" with a ten barge pole . . . as soon as I hear "that's a sin" I am off quicker than Speedy Gonzales!

 

[Stromer]

I have a friend who had a similar issue with his wife. Just like our OP seems to be doing, he took it slow. But once he got her to the point where she'd allow him to go down on her, the floodgates opened wide (literally) when she had her first clitoral/G-spot orgasm. "Who would God give me the ability to feel this wonderful if he didn't want me too?" To this day they have a terrific monogamous sex life. Wishing everyone in this situation the best of luck.

My first wife was the same way. Our first date was on her 20th birthday and she had never had a boyfriend or an orgasm.
She was a devout Catholic and made it clear early that she was saving herself for marriage. After dating for several weeks and assurance from me that I would not pressure her into intercourse, she finally agreed to get nude and let me go down on her, giving her first orgasm and had no idea what had just hit her. But she loved it. By the time she left my dorm that night, she asked me to go down on her two more times. Normally, she would spend the night with me since my room mate went home every weekend, but she had a breakfast date with her parents and didn't want to risk oversleeping and not being in the dorm when her parents showed up.
Once her parents left, she came to my room and told me she woke up horny and started to explore herself for the first time, found her clit and rubbed out two orgasms before she got up and took a shower.
After that, she had the same attitude. "Why would god not want me to feel something this wonderful." She still held out until we got engaged before she gave up her V card, but we had a great sex life doing everything thing we could with out fucking. Once we were married and her priest told her that basically anything goes inside the confines of marriage, she took off. Toys, bondage, porn, anal, etc..

 

[live4thebj]

As an atheist I am not fond of the restrictions and rules of religions. Example. A friend calls me whom turns out is best-friends with a guy who’s wife and the guy are in the middle of a divorce. That woman aka wife fucked me. I say fucked me because I answered the door naked. She had me lay down. Sucked my dick for a minute. Then had an instant orgasm on the initial penetration and fucked me till I came.

So when that phone call happened I told him I did not make her do anything she didn’t want to do. He hung up. Have not heard from him since.

But in the catholic religion such thing is a sin. Fuck that. I live my life by a simple rule: don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself. In short don’t make someone have sex with you. But if my wife fucked another person well who knows how I would deal with that. So it is in a gray area on this one. But I am sure you get the point.

 

[SPARTAN047]

I wasn't exactly saving myself for marriage but I was and am religious, and I've still done sex acts forbidden by it.

 

[MH2024hot]

Update, forgive me if you seen it before but I couldn't find it on this thread, might have been deleted.

We consummated the fantasy. This has been something I've wanted for years, revealed it to her after much fear and trepidation in Jan and here we were on vacation.

She was curious about the sex toys and pics, she knew I brought them. I had them hidden in my suitcase but she peeked and was a bit intrigued I think.

I had also written out some note cards about fantasies: (I want her to dress very revealing when we walk around at the club, to buy something out of character for her (she's open to it); that I would like to masturbate to pics of her in a magazine (just to emphasize my habit and incorporate her); and that she should point out other men she finds attractive (she was good with that, too).

After a nice night on the town we were back in the room and we got started. I brought out my pics and we briefly flipped through them. When she saw them, she had a big smile on her face, like pleasantly shocked at her husband, very "oh, myyyy, honey wow."

Then I massaged her for about 20 min and after she was aroused, I played and fingered her over and over again and she came very very nicely. She was enjoying it (and I wanted her to orgasm after seeing my pics.)

She then volunteered for me to jerk off to my pics but I instead had her get on top of me and I really rubbed her out, she completely unloaded several times, moaning cursing. I was about to cum myself and she could tell, so wouldn't you believe it but she said "wait wait, not yet" and quickly got off me and grabbed my pics and said "do it baby."

I then told her I wanted her to pick which ones for me to masturbate to and she said "ha, oh, so that's how you want it!" She knew exactly what was going on: not only was I doing something very naughty but she was completely part of it now. She picked Lela Star, Sunny Leone and Veronica Zemonova looking all nice, nude and sultry and I stroked my cock and proceeded to tell her I knew their names, that I masturbated lots of times to each of them and how much I enjoyed watching them fuck their pussies. Then I burst all over the pics, talked really dirty and my wife still had a big smile the whole time. She totally encouraged me, this little church wife.

I also bought a $90 6-inch veiny thick cock with a nice circumcised head and it's flexible. Very life-like, literally looks like an another man's cock in her. The next night she orgasmed three times with it (I was trying to just rub her on the outside and she immediately mounted it and just shoved it in there, geesh - love it) and afterwards she remarked how it felt good. That's a huge huge win after years of her downplaying using any toys.

Next morning I suggested another magazine jerk off and she was totally down with it. I flipped through each page, said what I liked about each woman, started stroking myself with her standing naked behind me and embracing me, and then I spurted a big load of cum all over a page featuring two porn stars. I went out of my way to say what I like about each of them and confessed to shooting cum all over myself alone while secretly staring at these same pics some years ago. I got loud and talking dirty. My wife was totally all smiles. Very relaxed. Then we got dressed and went for breakfast.

Mind you, this is the same woman who heard a series on porn in our church earlier in the year and was originally trying to grill me on whether I still looked at it (which led to my defense of erotica as different than "porn"). Now she's my jerk off partner.

I kept the pics pretty soft core. Solo babes in various states of undress, some fully nude and masturbating. I wanted small steps so as not to shock her too much.

We had a lot of fun in and outside the bedroom. That's what it's all about.

 

[MH2024hot]

We consummated the fantasy. This has been something I've wanted for years, revealed it to her after much fear and trepidation in Jan and here we were on vacation..........

....Mind you, this is the same woman who heard a series on porn in our church earlier in the year and was originally trying to grill me on whether I still looked at it (which led to my defense of erotica as different than "porn"). Now she's my jerk off partner.

We had a lot of fun in and outside the bedroom. That's what it's all about.

My only mistake, perhaps, was not laying out expectations for the future.

I previously hinted about frequency of the fantasy to her, back before we did the deed and when I was first drawing out this masturbating to erotica fantasy to her in bits and spurts. We made love once since we've been back from vacation and enjoyed ourselves, kind of our regular vanilla routine of massage and manually stimulating her and I eventually cum in her. It's nice but not something we can do over and over without some variation.

I originally suggested this magazine and dildo fetish be a vacation affair where we just let loose. I wanted to impress upon her that even though the fantasy was unusual for us, because it is, everything else about sex was perfectly ok, we would still have our usual routine and I wasn't replacing her with porn stars or me for a dildo.

But on second thought I think I would like it more often and when we are home. Monthly would be nice. I didn't specifically bring it up on vacation after we did the delicious deed as I was trying to keep it relaxed, not too "ok, here's how I'd like the specific architectural plan going forward, here's a spreadsheet..."

But I'm kind of wired that way. I'm a planner.

And we both would agree that Spontaneity is not our strength when it comes to sex. We do have to plan things out, I've realized that. I'm just trying to balance all that out. I think I'll try to broach the topic with her in the next week.