Are they idiots or simply stupid to begin with?

[Spider Rand]

As someone who is VERY new to this dom/sub stuff (only on the net at this stage, learning about it) i would feel even more nervous at expanding my interests in BDSM, at the fear of being labelled an idiot/lame/etc, just because i don't really have any experience in it and am unsure of a lot of do's and dont's.

So i'd just like to say, if someone is new to all this, please give them a LOT of slack, it is nervous/embarassing enough getting into this sort of stuff for the 1st time, even if its just on the net, then to have some guys bagging you because you said the wrong thing or suck at it!

Let me start by saying nothing in my post, aside from the advice, was directed at a newbie trying to learn the lay of the land. As to labelling, I tried to be clear that I was referring to those whose behaviors are far beyond an innocent mistake. Too many people seem to think that when you are involved with others that are outside the mainstream, that all other rules of society go out the window. Guys who would never go up to a woman in a bar and have the first words out of their mouth be "blow me", think nothing of doing it on the internet, because there is no fear of being slapped, or otherwise humiliated.
All that does is cause otherwise friendly and open people to be very wary of anyone they don't already know. Everyone in the BDSM community was a newbie at some point, and most are willing to answer a few questions and give advice to those who are less experienced. As long as you are respectful and polite, you should not have any problems. If you are respectful and polite and someone does "bag" on you, they are likely one of the aforementioned a-holes, and you would be best served by ignoring them and seeking advice elsewhere.

 

[CuriousJack]

Oh ok cool i understand what your saying now spider!

Just something else i'd like to mention, i've seen a fair few people say in their signatures and profiles, that, don't pm the person with "sucky/gay/stupid/whatever" lines or you will be blocked/ignored by the person.

Now i understand that is to warn off the assholes, but that also has the same effect on someone like me, who is a "newbie" pm'ing anyone with any sort of BDSM talk, at the fear of being rejected/ignored and possibly insulted!

 

[SonOfAGhost]

Wannabes: real and imagined

I think most 'clueless' subs are sincere. They recognize their own tendencies but their own experience is too vanilla to understand the specifics of what they're personal wants/needs are much less how to find someone to fulfill them.

Some of those that post as doms are probably in the same boat. However I think most of the 'poser' doms as described in the original post are simply confusing dominant with domineering Looking for someone they can inflict pain on without getting hit with a restraining order...like the one their ex(es) already got against them

 

[virginalsub]

I tend to mostly get messages from those sort of guys. Idiots. Especially on alt.com. How the hell does one go about finding the right person to torment them? Maybe I'm stupid but I'm 22 and a virgin because I haven't found anyone I consider worth sleeping with. My hand and brain can satisfy me like none other.

Good rant.

 

[Miss Trickery]

It really is surprising how many of these fools act in the same way saying the same generic things when quite a few of them can not even properly spell out what they are saying. It does not take much to know many of them are nothing but jerk offs, people looking to have a quick moment of fun and nothing more, they certainly don’t get what being a dom is all about nor how to sate the desires and needs of a sub or slave.

Cookie cutter BDSMers… is what I like to call them. I suppose BDSM acts as a little haven for the ‘predator-types’ out there, especially with the notion of girls just willing to give themselves up to a man who calls himself a dominant person (but we know that’s full of poo). It’s like penning up a bunch of rabbits and waiting to see if any wolves stop by. A lot of the so-called-doms out there really have no idea what being a dom is all about, nor do they know what being a sub is all about. They basically feed you lines or ideals from a book or perhaps from some website that they managed to briefly rifle through. Do I know what being a dom is about? Nope, I don’t believe you can put that into a mold. It varies greatly from person to person – but yes, there is a basic foundation, a prerequisite – so to speak – of being a ‘Dom’ that should every self-proclaimed dom out here should meet.

Conversely, I have come across a various many subs out there who do not truly know what it is to be a sub. Many think that perhaps since they get on their knees, call someone ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am,’ and does what they’re told – automatically makes them a sub. Sub (pyl) like Dom (PYL), can truly be identified through the relationship between the two. Perhaps a Dom is a Dom to a certain sub, but definitely not ‘Dom’ material to another. Granted there are the foundations and basis to which we can call ourselves a Dom/me (PYL) or a sub (pyl) – but ultimately, it’s all syntax – our partners let us know what they think we are.

Even worse is when most of the women who are intelligent tells off the fools as they deserve to be causing many of them to reply saying the women are not real subs or slaves or else they wouldn't respond as such, they get uptight and defensive even as they get their sorry asses handed to them by the women they actually thought they could jerk around. These people are suppose to be doms? Don't make me laugh.

Every label in BDSM has their playing cards, their responsibilities and their duties. And every label should know the details of the responsibilities and duties of all others. Un-enigmatically, Doms (PYL) should know what subs (pyl) are all about, and vice versa. I’ve seen a Dom (a really good person and good Dom, at that) get his ‘sorry ass’ handed to him by his sub. To keep a long story short, they had their differences, the sub only seemed to want to be a sub only when it suited her – not suiting them both. They broke up, he was madly in love with her, she just treated him like crap, and on and on – I think his love for her prevented him from exerting his dominance on her and just let her be. Is this to say that he was less of a Dom because he let this girl play mind games and such with him? Nope. Only human right?

When people think about BDSM they think of it in a pure sex way and yes sex is a big part of it but as I like to say it is more about the psychological and the effects of a Master and sub working together to achieve a state of being that both desire, need, crave and wish for. If it was about a quick fuck anyone could get it and that would be it.

I’m into D/s for the power-exchange. I love sex… and kinky sex… but I simply want to submit to my man. To willingly give him power over me (as it is my gift to him). AND in return, I expect him to take care of me and look out for my well being – and in the best interest of us. A lot of subs out there fail to realize that they are in full control of who they give themselves to and under what conditions. Subs carry a whole helluva lot of power in the D/s relationship.

There are some people out there who try to be a dom and need help, others who try to act like a dom and have no clue and more than a few subs who get fed up with having these posers try to walk the walk but end up falling flat on their faces.

Both my man and I were into BDSM before we began dating (long ago). We then started a cute little vanilla relationship which lasted years. Our bond, our union, revolved around love and total care for each other. Eventually, we decided to add D/s to our relationship, in hopes of strengthening it – and so it has. He’s a very dominant person, but more caring than anyone I know… I can’t help but need to submit to him. To keep things short – lots of crazies out there, fakes, posers, etc… and they will always be there. To the masses, safe – sane – consensual, do what makes you entirely happy… live for love, if you hate love, then talk to a dancing banana.

It really does not take that much to please a sub and it does not take much for a sub to please the Master but it takes both pleasing another to really be successful and give what each other needs in ways that most can never understand.

Fully agree.

 

[AnIndecisiveSub]

100% correct.

good words though I think it can go both ways... sometimes the sub doesn't play the part... or only at times when they choose to be submissive - part time subs. It's all in the mind... everything is... a sub can be happy with a Dom/me while another sub would be totally disgusted with them. People are puzzle pieces... sometimes they fit... sometimes they get crammed into a space where they don't belong.

The original post was well written. But "Z"(?) closed it off. I've know plenty of subs who only please their Master when it pleases themselves. But in my eyes, if my Master is happy, and i know i've made Him happy, then i know i've done my job well. and that's my number 1 goal. so bravo to you z for explaining that first. .... part time sub. HA. those "subs" are jokes. (shakes head in disgrace*)

 

[DVS]

Good rant, MS.

Just wandered in to say hi to you.

Wow, a Killishandra sighting. Too bad it's from 2005.

 

[Locastor]

I think that the situation laid out by the OP is an inevitable result of Lit being a purely written medium. The concomitant consequences for the less verbally gifted among us are, of course, deleterious. This is something I strongly encourage, because I feel that maintaining the highest possible standards of English online is something one naturally does to avoid coming off as an ill-bred troglodyte. Said troglodytes, once exposed by their own illiterate flounderings, can then of course be mocked and scorned as is appropriate.

The technical skill of writing like a civilized being and not a slavering beast-man aside, the question of one's attitude toward sex and women should also be addressed. Being male myself, I can readily identify the "UR pUssy so PINK! SO PINK! Y I NO HAV?!" mentality. I saw a great deal of it among my peers at 13 and 14. I suppose that to a certain kind of mind, the mere act of being on a site named "Literotica" absolves one of the need to contemplate one's partner's desires at all. "After all, they're surely dripping for it, right?"

Finally, I hope this isn't taken as mean-spirited, but I love this ad in Personals so very, very much:

Master seeks online slut

 

[His_pet_slut]

The original post was well written. But "Z"(?) closed it off. I've know plenty of subs who only please their Master when it pleases themselves. But in my eyes, if my Master is happy, and i know i've made Him happy, then i know i've done my job well. and that's my number 1 goal. so bravo to you z for explaining that first. .... part time sub. HA. those "subs" are jokes. (shakes head in disgrace*)

I find it curious that you state part time subs are a joke. What exactly is a part time sub? Any sub that does not live the lifestyle 24/7?

I am always submissive to my Master, but I am a strong and capable woman in my own right. If I was always submissive, it would be quite difficult to run my business. If I waited for M~ to tell me every little thing to do, I think it would be quite annoying to him. He likes me strong & capable, but always respectful.

So...please enlighten me as to what the difference between a "part-time sub" and a "sub" is...

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've know plenty of subs who only please their Master when it pleases themselves... part time sub. HA. those "subs" are jokes. (shakes head in disgrace*)

Wanting to be done unto does not automatically mean a girl is a sub. She might be dominant herself, in fact, and if you knew some of these "subs" by a more accurate role label, you wouldn't consider them jokes.

There is no shame in not being submissive-- only when someone tries to force themselves into a role they are not suited to and in fact can't do well in.

 

[graceanne]

The original post was well written. But "Z"(?) closed it off. I've know plenty of subs who only please their Master when it pleases themselves. But in my eyes, if my Master is happy, and i know i've made Him happy, then i know i've done my job well. and that's my number 1 goal. so bravo to you z for explaining that first. .... part time sub. HA. those "subs" are jokes. (shakes head in disgrace*)

Ok, I know this has been argued to death, but who gets to decide what a true sub is? I promise statements like this tick a lot of people off in this forum. As long as both parties know what they're getting, then there's no right or wrong about kink (well, with the exception of consent). Some men are also only part time dominants - they are dominant in the bedroom but don't want a submissive partner.

In fact, there's a popular theory that all subs are people who are dominant in real life, and that's why they like to be submissive in the bedroom and that all dominants are submissive in real life and that's why they like to be dominant in the bedroom (like the charge nurse who is a bedroom submissive). I don't subscribe to the thought that ALL subs and dom's are like this, but there are enough cases where this is true that I can see why it's such a popular theory.

 

[Stella_Omega]

can we substitute "many" or "some" or some other less all-encompassing quantifier for "all?" That would be more accurate way of stating the theory.

 

[graceanne]

can we substitute "many" or "some" or some other less all-encompassing quantifier for "all?" That would be more accurate way of stating the theory.

Yes, and we should. But some people think that ALL subs and dom's are that way, which is bull.

 

[Cautious_Eli]

As someone new to PMs I wanted to defend the idiots. By a far majority, I have received well thought out, kind PMs. (Thinking I might be pushing my luck to say so.) I try to always respond if the message isn't the aforementioned completely idiotic variety (usually with a simple thanks, no thanks), and I'm a tad baffled by what feels like established people believing that the experience is the opposite.... My tolerance for controlling idiots is very low, or at least I think it is.

Wondering if the experience is different or just how we view it?

 

[njlauren]

I think the issue here is the electronic world versus real world (well, in some cases, that I'll explain in a bit). In the real world, it is very hard to go up to someone and say what we do in virtual mode. For example, on an electronic blog you might tell another poster they are scum, they are slime, they should die for writing something they didn't like, etc (listen to the people on talk radio sometimes, scary), yet it is likely they would never do that to your face. In terms of the OP, you have a lot of men out there that fancy themselves doms, who have read about BD/SM, whatever, and think "gee, that is a great way to get chicks to do what I want", but quite honestly don't have the nerve to do it in real life. The see some gal they see as being sub, for example, in a profile and send a PM "You are my slave, you will be force to suck my dick when I want and how I want,", etc and get their rocks off doing that, and maybe figure in their mind they will find someone who will go for that (fat chance, unless the person is really stupid). Cyber makes heroes out of cowards, and what you are seeing are people who don't have a clue what it takes to meet a sub/slave and woo them (and yes, it takes that, you don't make someone your sub/slave by saying so, you become someone's sub/slave when you have earned that right in the dominants eyes, and vice versa.

Even in real life this happens, read women's tales of being in a singles bar and how some men act towards them, they assume because a gal might be looking for someone that suddenly anyone will do or ordinary rules don't apply. When I first started going out fully presenting in gal mode, I occasionally went to trans clubs and saw much the same thing, men hitting on me in ways they wouldn't dare do with people in their 'real' life, they assumed that rules of talking, being nice, showing interest, etc didn't matter (and some of the creeps there, well, *ick*..like, how about shaving and wearing some nice clothes.....).

When I was active in a BD/SM group, went to meetings and play events, I did see 'dome' like that in real life, you could tell, they would have their leather pants with the chains on them, the vests with the white shirts, the flogger at their side.....and they would be on the periphery of things, and if they had a sub it was usually some girl they met someplace and brought them to the event after telling them who knows what, and then spending the rest of the night hearing from the gal "Oh my gawd, did ya see what that guy just did to that girl? eeew" and the like....

 

[Primalex]

The original post was well written. But "Z"(?) closed it off. I've know plenty of subs who only please their Master when it pleases themselves. But in my eyes, if my Master is happy, and i know i've made Him happy, then i know i've done my job well.

You are just

7 YEARS LATE

with your reply.