Around the Table: feedback and constructive criticism

[Angeline]

Sour grapes pudding

Crush to a fine powder the metaphor
rainbow angst of your madness era.
Blend to a paste with any cliché,
the tears of lost first love will do nicely here.
Roll to the thickness of a bold critique
and cut into rounds of platitudes
designed to hide what you're really thinking.
Bake the whole thing for a week or more,
then slice when cold and pass around
when next you feel challenged or maligned.

This is a fine, if sour lol, piece of writing. There's not much that needs fixing to my eye. Maybe take out the "first" in line four, which made me stumble a bit, reading it, like an extra unnecessary word. Otherwise it's really solid imo.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks Angeline for stopping to read and for giving me your take on the poem! It was a hard one to write, the whole race relations is tricky and even the least bigoted of us have knee jerk judgements of each other.

The mother-thumping window tint is actually a friggin' commercial down there.

Thump thump mother thump

you know, speakers designed to mother thump the neighborhood and they also tint windows lol

but "because it is really what happened!" is never an excuse when editing a poem and I will definitely take a look at it. I just have to get the jingle out of my head and have to share it with you, because hells ya texas


I swear to God I cannot make this shit up

Hah. Stranger than fiction! Remember the awful local Philly commercials for Krass Brothers, Store of the Stars? Like you said you can't make this stuff up!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

This is a fine, if sour lol, piece of writing. There's not much that needs fixing to my eye. Maybe take out the "first" in line four, which made me stumble a bit, reading it, like an extra unnecessary word. Otherwise it's really solid imo.

Thanks it wasn't supposed to turn out like that at all! But it had other ideas. Need some more people to post now

 

[HarryHill]

Thanks it wasn't supposed to turn out like that at all! But it had other ideas. Need some more people to post now

I've got a new one coming out tomorrow in the erotic category. you're welcome to rip it. Not sure how erotic people will see it; it's more innuendo and word play than anything else. *shrugs*

 

[annaswirls]

To me, this read like a reaction to substandard poetry and the poetry reviews that follow.

Sour grapes pudding

Crush to a fine powder the metaphor
rainbow angst of your madness era.
Blend to a paste with any cliché,
the tears of lost first love will do nicely here.
Roll to the thickness of a bold critique
and cut into rounds of platitudes
designed to hide what you're really thinking.
Bake the whole thing for a week or more,
then slice when cold and pass around
when next you feel challenged or maligned.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

To me, this read like a reaction to substandard poetry and the poetry reviews that follow.

More like a reaction to somebody who is always moaning!

 

[HarryHill]

I've got a new one coming out tomorrow in the erotic category. you're welcome to rip it. Not sure how erotic people will see it; it's more innuendo and word play than anything else. *shrugs*

..


Gel'ee
seems unfinished, vanilla erotica, bland. any suggestion?

 

[champagne1982]

..


Gel'ee
seems unfinished, vanilla erotica, bland. any suggestion?

I would even go as far to say that you've missed the erotica completely here. If you're going to blend in French avec anglais you should read some of Angeline's - Disposa posts to the Fool. Also check out darkmaas' Violetta conversations. Just search out those words in the forum search tool. They have a wonderful accent.

Now about erotic writing concerning a house of pleasures above a little marmalade shop... I like the way the girls spread but instead of baguettes perhaps you can spread les gelees sur les petits pains and then describe the white softness or expound on the sucre blanche cloying your tongue when you lick the apple filling out of the little tart...

As is your poem is sly and full of innuendo with a really good setting. You just need to find hornier words to use and allow yourself permission to take it to that lewd level.

 

[twelveoone]

..


Gel'ee
seems unfinished, vanilla erotica, bland. any suggestion?

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