As a Domme, I'm feeling...alone? But perhaps that's not the best word.

[Stella_Omega]

See, the hetero scene is so focussed on that basic Tarzan/Jane binary. It has always seemed... creepy to me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well, hets tend to assume that certain roles are inevitable because they are decreed by the body shape. Male Doms talk about subs as universally female, or even talk about women as universally submissive-- in the same society uses the term "wife" to mean "all married women." Male subs talk about women as goddesses because they were born with the necessary Goddess appurtenances, by gum! (I have more arguments with submisive men who INSIST on calling me "Lady" and shit, ignoring the bluntest of statements that I deeply dislike being considered a "lady." )

Where I came in, on the queer side, it was more like; I (singular, specific person that I am) want to dominate you (singular specific person that you are) because of the person you are.

When same-sex or genderfluid folk are topping and/or bottoming for other samesex or genderfluid folk-- that Male/female inevitability thing is put paid. Roles can be more fluid, and we focus on what we really are -- in my world, what I really am is based on what I can do, not what my gonads look like. It's the thing that drew me into the leather community, and the lack of that is the thing that creeps me out about the hetero D/s community. One's body is one's destiny, or something. Yuck.

Does any of that make sense, or is it incoherent?

 

[KoPilot]

Well, hets tend to assume that certain roles are inevitable because they are decreed by the body shape. Male Doms talk about subs as universally female, or even talk about women as universally submissive-- in the same society uses the term "wife" to mean "all married women." Male subs talk about women as goddesses because they were born with the necessary Goddess appurtenances, by gum! (I have more arguments with submisive men who INSIST on calling me "Lady" and shit, ignoring the bluntest of statements that I deeply dislike being considered a "lady." )

Where I came in, on the queer side, it was more like; I (singular, specific person that I am) want to dominate you (singular specific person that you are) because of the person you are.

When same-sex or genderfluid folk are topping and/or bottoming for other samesex or genderfluid folk-- that Male/female inevitability thing is put paid. Roles can be more fluid, and we focus on what we really are -- in my world, what I really am is based on what I can do, not what my gonads look like. It's the thing that drew me into the leather community, and the lack of that is the thing that creeps me out about the hetero D/s community. One's body is one's destiny, or something. Yuck.

Does any of that make sense, or is it incoherent?

-jumps in-

Yeah, I get you there, definitely. Even though my ladybits have a lot to do with my identity in certain aspects, I know that it doesn't with others. In fact, like you, I do sometimes prefer the company of "genderfluid" people (as all my old, old friends are to an extent) than those that believe that everyone of every gender has a predefined role based on what bits they have. I consider myself to be in the former boat, tbh. I am almost entirely gender-neutral, if not masculine, when I'm not with S, and when I am, I instantly snap into girlmode. Funny because I went through a phase in highschool where I felt seriously transgendered.

Not really sure why I felt compelled to post, but I guess I just wanted to pop in and say that despite being a straight girl pyl who likes straight boy PYLs (sorry), but I agree with you in that sometimes the hetero people can seem a bit creepy and hivemind-y.

EDIT*: I just learned a new word: Bi-gendered! That would be me.

 

[talismania]

You're making sense. It's difficult sometimes to articulate these kinds of embedded assumptions and behaviors that people act out, thinking that's "how it must be" because of limited exposure. A lot of times, they come from the land of no real time experience.

My experience with same sex came after my initial forays in heterosexual BDSM... and the all-girl scene was amazingly liberating. I definitely felt like I was dealing with people, not types and I felt accepted in ways I find elusive in the heterosexual fray. My biggest peeve with male subs--and they are my preferred flavor--is how so many of them insist on casting me in some role I'm not even auditioning for!

No, I don't have to prove I'm strong enough to dominate you (whoever you are). I really don't. No, I mean really. (Just for example. I'm sure other orientations have similar problems with typecasting.) Anyway...

You're making sense. It's just a slippery catch-all of problems.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm back after a fried chicken run

:lightbulb:



Is this what you were on about Stella?

No... not quite... It's more like "You don't have to sub for me because I'm female. You aren't going to dominate me just because you're male."

I surely don't mind contests of physical strength, although of course I stand a better chance winning one of those against another woman-- and I don't mind losing when it's another woman, either...

Aggression may not strike the right chords though, the sense of the word I was trying for had as much/ more to do with enthusiasm/ eagerness/ willingness to initiate.

I kinda know what you were trying for there.

I wonder how much of my belligerence is due to my age, and the expectations I battled as a young person.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I can certainly agree to dispise the "just because," bit.

However much I might like to jump in feet first, I think it's pretty important to have ice breakers and negotiations, minimum, before anykind of D/s activities occur, even online.

I intensely dislike those kinds of presumptions, where just because I identify as submissive, I'm supposed to behave in a particular way or defer to someone who is dominant. Similarly, I find it exceptionally awkward to have submissives I don't really know treat me with that difference. I've really only had to deal with those issues all of once each though, and I very rarely get spammed for cyber, so I can't say I have the experience to be upset about it.

Well yeah-- when we don't know someone, we don't know them. I suck at being deferential, and I get all pink in the cheeks when people try to treat me that way.

But I have to say that the experience of being in a group of women, all of whom have chosen their role as top or bottom and are adhering to it? That's an amazing experience.

This reminds me of one of my early experiences (here I go again). She was essentially a switch who was fond of wrestling as well as switching mid scene; in either direction. It was a little disorienting, frankly. She was a bit heavier than me, a bit stronger too, though I was often able to gain an edge by technique/ leverage.

In anycase, we were visiting a park and I fell down some stairs, dislocating my elbow. I had a gimpy arm for the short remainder of that relationship, which she used to her advantage to whip me at wrestling pretty much every time after that, which had the effect of making it a much more one way dynamic.

Har! She has my admiration.

A friend of mine writes fan-fiction, mostly always with a BDSM plot. Even though she's a dyke, she writes mostly M/M "slash." One recurring theme for her is a strength imbalance between the two male protags, and yeah, you can get a bit psychoanalytical on that if you want. But she has done some good stories where the top, or Master, is the physically weaker of the pair, and how he finds a way to enforce his mastery on a stronger even dangerous partner.

 

[Stella_Omega]

her method of "switching down" left much to be desired though. More than a few times she seemed to wait until I was just into my subby headspace, then "tag! you're it"

what the fuck!?

Ah, that sucks. Especially if it's already hard on you to get into that headspace, huh? Then it's all wasted...


"Slash" is sexual romance, and "M/M slash simply means "Male/Male." "F/F" means "Female/Female." The capitalization has no bearing on the power dynamics, it just looks better in format.

Here's one that I like quite a lot; Pony play, in three parts;

http://lit-gal.livejournal.com/345847.html
http://lit-gal.livejournal.com/345894.html
http://lit-gal.livejournal.com/346303.html

 

[talismania]

I intensely dislike those kinds of presumptions, where just because I identify as submissive, I'm supposed to behave in a particular way or defer to someone who is dominant. Similarly, I find it exceptionally awkward to have submissives I don't really know treat me with that difference. I've really only had to deal with those issues all of once each though, and I very rarely get spammed for cyber, so I can't say I have the experience to be upset about it.

Those kinds of presumptions are rampant, I've found, and can make finding a partner a bit of a minefield unless you're aware of what is going on. What you're saying is really what I was getting at in the comment about being "strong". The subs I was referring to want to exercise their masculinity by having a dominant woman "break" them.

It's the "I bet you can't dominate *me*," mentality. Then if the domme doesn't take them up on the challenge, they say "Guess you're not really dominant."

I cannot think of a man I would LESS like to tie up and enjoy for my own pleasure. I'm sure subs have the same response to Ds who impose unattractive expectations on them. We're people, for gosh sake, and really don't have to prove ourselves to jerk-offs.

As for slash... love it! Same sex slash is a fun way to enjoy both sides of male or female sexual psychology. It's like a binge of hot sexy fun.

 

[Stella_Omega]

ah. ok. so I could shorten "mom's trashy romance novels" to "mom's slash novels" if I didn't like the ring of it so much.

A half a million slash fans would disagree with you, claiming there's a huge and obvious difference-- although between you and I, I don't know what it really is.

I wonder if Lady in Black is still around, or if our invasion of her thread has turned her off a bit?

mea culpa, Lady!

 

[Stella_Omega]

My guess; publicaiton (as in: on paper) & half a dozen editors (or one really good one).

You think trashy novels have editors? Good editors?

Duuude.

 

[Stella_Omega]

point conceded.

one stressed, overworked editor who secretly longs to write novels of thier own but can't push through their writers block, let alone get anyone to publish them, thus driving him/her to pour their derision on page after page of poor Jude Devroux's writing...

sound more realistic?

They don't have the time to pour out their derision anywhere. They are stressed and overworked, and know their own writing skills will swirl down the toilet if they don't quit tomorrow-- so they do.

Really, fanfic writers have a better chance of finding a devoted editor who will give her skills out of lurve.

But slash has some differences to Harlequin-style romance, the most important being that same-sex pairings are the default, and the writers tend to feel free to explore more complicated dynamics.

 

[Stella_Omega]

both laudable qualities, whether or not it's precisely your cupa tea.

my moms book boxes were generally full of "period" romance fantasies... or western. My favorites were generally the ones that deviated from those norms, but there were a couple of notable exceptions.

I think that a lot of slash writers were inspired by those few deviations...

 

[Stella_Omega]

really? slash writers are inspired by such drivel as "the princess" (not period) or "the Sisters" (not incestuous)... they had lotsa sex in them (hence; favorite 'porn' as a teen), but the plot lines were typically awful.



ok wait... and I should be suprised that slash would be inspired by that why?

hmm...

I was thinking you meant derivations in pairings and plot expectations.

 

[NoMansToy]

Your not alone - Female Dominate here... but I dont care to play with subbies... I enjoy the "clashing of the titans" that comes with a Dom/Dom relationship... How weird is that? lol. To each their own I guess.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Your not alone - Female Dominate here... but I dont care to play with subbies... I enjoy the "clashing of the titans" that comes with a Dom/Dom relationship... How weird is that? lol. To each their own I guess.

oooh.

 

[minette05]

there are others

I am new here. And I am very intrigued that You feel alone. Interestingly, the men I"ve met seem to be excited by My tone when I choose to use it in scenario play. Feel free to chat.
Minette (the sweet name belies what lies beneath)

 

[NoMansToy]

oooh.

ooooh?

 

[Felix_Jones]

Your not alone - Female Dominate here... but I dont care to play with subbies... I enjoy the "clashing of the titans" that comes with a Dom/Dom relationship... How weird is that? lol. To each their own I guess.

Interestingly enough, the best sex I've had was with Dommes, but not in a submissive role. Not much of a power exchange either way, even when the strap on comes out. Go figure.

 

[Hardon4u21]

I am a man who wishes I could submit to a beautiful dominant woman. I agree it is really hard to find a dominant woman. You are a treasure but you're not alone.

Let me clarify here, I'm using the word "alone" because any others just sound awkward in a sentence. In solitary? Isolated? That last one implies some sort of action.

I was isolate. I'm being isolated. And that's not true.

So while I'm having a hard time finding the right word; the general idea is I feel like I'm all alone. Plenty of people around me but no one else is like me?

I guess that is the best way to describe it. I know it's a bit silly, my logical brain is telling me I'm wrong. I know there are lots of Dominant women, and submissive men, and gay submissive women...

I just can't seem to find any! I'm not looking for a partner, or a play thing, anything like that. I think I just need to know I'm not the odd-man-out?

It seems like almost everyone on this board is a Dominant man/submissive female, or a gay submissive man and their counterpart.

Are there other people here aligned like me?

Just give me a shot out so I can quiet down the irrational part of my mind?