Ask A Woman

[vanmyers86]

What an interesting thread! I am just seeing it for the first time, so I am very late to the party. I hope you don't mind if I join you.

A few things:
You can try on lingerie in fitting rooms in the US, and I would not ever buy a bra without trying it on first. In my younger days, I did once take my boyfriend in a department store fitting room with me to make sure he liked what I was buying. No shenanigans, but the salesclerks smirked knowingly at us both when we emerged.

Shoes. Another reason many women love them is because they still fit even if you gain or lose weight. Especially if you're overweight and have few options for beautiful clothes that fit and feel good, shoes (and earrings) can be the one part of your ensemble that look fabulous.

And finally, stomach kisses could make a woman feel vulnerable and even judged, depending on which body image messages she received growing up. I felt like crying the first time someone kissed me there, as I had always been told mine was ugly.

Again, thanks for this thread! It's been a fascinating read.

 

[NotWise]

You can try on lingerie in fitting rooms in the US, and I would not ever buy a bra without trying it on first. In my younger days, I did once take my boyfriend in a department store fitting room with me to make sure he liked what I was buying. No shenanigans, but the salesclerks smirked knowingly at us both when we emerged.

You can. My youngest's first job (outside of ballet) was with Victoria's Secrets "Pink." People tried things on in the fittings rooms all the time, and she didn't care. That was way better than having the guy ask her (usually in front of his girlfriend) to model the bra or panties for him.

Men shouldn't be in lingerie shops. It's just a mess.

 

[SimonDoom]

Men shouldn't be in lingerie shops. It's just a mess.

Oh, I disagree. Lingerie shops can be fun and arousing places.

I enjoy lingerie and enjoy, while shopping for it, imagining my partner in different outfits.

I have on occasion gone into the fitting room with my partner and watched her undress and assisted her in choosing something. Women often need encouragement with that sort of thing and I like encouraging my partner to wear sexy things.

Not too long ago I was in a lingerie shop with my partner, and the "fitting room" was little more than a booth on the side of the room with a loose curtain. I stood right outside and my partner pulled it aside so I could see the things she was trying on. That particular day there was no one else in the store other than the sales lady, but the idea of her pulling the curtain aside and baring herself where someone else in the store might theoretically see her was arousing. I wrote a story inspired in part by that scene.

 

[Jada59]

What an interesting thread! I am just seeing it for the first time, so I am very late to the party. I hope you don't mind if I join you.

A few things:
You can try on lingerie in fitting rooms in the US, and I would not ever buy a bra without trying it on first. In my younger days, I did once take my boyfriend in a department store fitting room with me to make sure he liked what I was buying. No shenanigans, but the salesclerks smirked knowingly at us both when we emerged.

Shoes. Another reason many women love them is because they still fit even if you gain or lose weight. Especially if you're overweight and have few options for beautiful clothes that fit and feel good, shoes (and earrings) can be the one part of your ensemble that look fabulous.

And finally, stomach kisses could make a woman feel vulnerable and even judged, depending on which body image messages she received growing up. I felt like crying the first time someone kissed me there, as I had always been told mine was ugly.

Again, thanks for this thread! It's been a fascinating read.

I must disagree on the bras and shoes. Perhaps because I ordered lingerie some years ago, I can tell by looking at a bra if it will fit. I also know which brands run bigger or smaller than the stated size. I almost always order my bras online. I never try them on.

Shoes on the other hand are a big problem! When I was younger and thinner I wore 7.5 or 8 B. 8 is the average size so if I wanted really cool shoes, I had to buy them as soon as they came in or they'd sell out.

When I became pregnant, I stupidly ordered a ton of shoes. I was shocked when none of them fit. In fact, I had a next to impossible time finding any shoes that would fit! I finally found a hideous pair of Donna Karan clogs that were very flat and actually a bit too big. They were a size 9. I had to shuffle to keep them on my feet. My feet and legs swelled very badly.

After I had the baby, I went back to the same store where I bought those clogs and found another pair of leather shoes that I could stuff my feet into. Also size 9. Not very comfortable and didn't fit well.

We moved to CA and I tried Payless shoes. I got a pair of black sneakers that I could stuff my feet into. Also size 9. Still didn't fit. I finally went to the shoe store where I got my daughter's shoes and had them measure my feet. The man said I measured an 8, but those wouldn't fit at all. I have a very high instep and that seemed to worsen when I was pregnant and never went back like it was. I left wearing a pair of very expensive, black, steel toed, granny trotters. Again I had to shuffle my feet as the shoes were so heavy. Size 9W. The only shoes in the entire store that technically fit, but wearing them was a chore.

Eventually I switched to Birkenstocks and some models of New Balance. Had to quit the Birks as even the "narrow" ones were too wide and wouldn't stay on.

You should see how many shoes I have! Tons. And most don't fit very well. I can rarely find any in stores. Stores here only sell a few sneakers in wide widths and those never fit me. Nikes rub my feet in the wrong places. Reebok don't fit. I can wear Uggs and similar type boots. I can wear some styles in a brand called Comfortview. I love, love, love the look of Jambu but they just don't work with my high instep. Now if only I could find slippers that fit.

Had a former coworker who said her shoe size changed depending on her weight. When she lost 20 pounds, her shoe size went down.

I think dancing affects the feet as well. I had a dance teacher tell me that when she began teaching only and not dancing for 21+ hours a week as well, her feet went down a whole size.

So I wish shoes would fit me. I used to love shoes. Probably my all time favorites were black patent leather flats with jewels all over the toes. Gorgeous! Now I have to make do with whatever will fit. Sad.

 

[vanmyers86]

Jada, it sounds like we have had very different experiences! My weight tends to yo-yo, but shoes and earrings always fit. Whereas bras are fickle for me, and always have been.

Which is why writers can never assume any one person's experiences are universal or standard for that person's gender, race, nationality, etc.

 

[Jada59]

Jada, it sounds like we have had very different experiences! My weight tends to yo-yo, but shoes and earrings always fit. Whereas bras are fickle for me, and always have been.

Which is why writers can never assume any one person's experiences are universal or standard for that person's gender, race, nationality, etc.

Ha! Opposites! I used to wear a 34B. Then at about age 25, I grew to a 36C. Wore that size for about 10 years. Went up to 38C. Then grew to 44F early in my pregnancy and stayed that way until I quit breast feeding. Settled down to 40C where I have stayed for over 20 years.

 

[vanmyers86]

I was just recommending this thread in another forum, and thought I would give it a bump.

What is on people's minds these days?

 

[HappySpouse]

Over the past few weeks, I've seen many authors, especially new ones, asking for feedback on how they connect to a female audience or asking for a female perspective on an element of their narrative. I've helped several of them, but it seems like I end up giving a lot of the same advice.

Here's your chance to have me answer specific questions about your story in progress; read your story and provide content feedback.

If there are still women available to read for female content feedback, I would really appreciate some help. I've written a story centered on a fictional version of my wife, and if it isn't hot for her/women, it will be a complete failure in my mind.

 

[vanmyers86]

If there are still women available to read for female content feedback, I would really appreciate some help. I've written a story centered on a fictional version of my wife, and if it isn't hot for her/women, it will be a complete failure in my mind.

Can you tell us a little more? What's the genre?

 

[NotWise]

What is on people's minds these days?

Here's a simple question for those women who've had a formal wedding; What did you do on the eve of the ceremony?

We lived together, and my wife stayed with one of her bride's maids on the ever of our ceremony.

 

[HappySpouse]

Can you tell us a little more? What's the genre?

I would consider it a lesbian story. The main character is a bisexual woman married to a man. The story is about her lesbian journey including her first time. There are also two very brief (couple sentence) encounters with the husband and a handful of mentions, but only as a part of her life, or how it impacts her experiences. It is all about how she experiences the events, but I’ve never been a woman, so I do’t know how realistic or believable a woman would find it.

It’s 18000 words which should be 5-6 pages on the sight, I think. It has three main sections. The first two are intended to be pretty realistic (as erotica goes), but the third cuts loose a bit. I’m excited about it, but I probably have some blind spots when thinking for a woman.

Because her new lover blindfolds her for the third act, it’s titled: Keep the Blindfold On

 

[vanmyers86]

Here's a simple question for those women who've had a formal wedding; What did you do on the eve of the ceremony?

We lived together, and my wife stayed with one of her bride's maids on the ever of our ceremony.

We had the rehearsal dinner and then two of my girlfriends from college kidnapped me for the night and gave me a mani-pedi and generally pampered me and gave me advice and listened to me. I later found out that, based on some of the things I told them, they had debated over whether to talk me out of marrying the groom, but they decided not to.

 

[RelentlessOnanism]

We had the rehearsal dinner and then two of my girlfriends from college kidnapped me for the night and gave me a mani-pedi and generally pampered me and gave me advice and listened to me. I later found out that, based on some of the things I told them, they had debated over whether to talk me out of marrying the groom, but they decided not to.

And from this vantage point, would that advice have been well heeded, or is the gentleman concerned still your significant other?

 

[NotWise]

I would consider it a lesbian story. The main character is a bisexual woman married to a man. The story is about her lesbian journey including her first time. There are also two very brief (couple sentence) encounters with the husband and a handful of mentions, but only as a part of her life, or how it impacts her experiences. It is all about how she experiences the events, but I’ve never been a woman, so I do’t know how realistic or believable a woman would find it.

It’s 18000 words which should be 5-6 pages on the sight, I think. It has three main sections. The first two are intended to be pretty realistic (as erotica goes), but the third cuts loose a bit. I’m excited about it, but I probably have some blind spots when thinking for a woman.

Because her new lover blindfolds her for the third act, it’s titled: Keep the Blindfold On

I'm not a woman, but I'll give you this. They're all different.

If you're writing for your wife, then you should know what she likes. Maybe that's not the case, but if not, then couldn't you ask? Writing can be a big undertaking, and a risky one if you don't know where you're going.

If you're really writing for yourself and hoping that she'll like it, then that's a different problem.

You say the third part "cuts loose," but I can't tell what that means. If it means that you've gone porn, then you should know that porn tropes are mostly male fantasies. Some women like it, some (most?) don't get much out of it. The relationships in romance novels are more woman-friendly.

If you know what she wants, and you just want to make your female character more realistic then start by throwing out the porn tropes. Base your characters on her and on other real women you've known.

If I got that wrong, then we can both profit by having women direct us the right way.

 

[NotWise]

We had the rehearsal dinner and then two of my girlfriends from college kidnapped me for the night and gave me a mani-pedi and generally pampered me and gave me advice and listened to me. I later found out that, based on some of the things I told them, they had debated over whether to talk me out of marrying the groom, but they decided not to.

Thanks. It's my impression that the eve of the wedding, after the rehearsal dinner, dancing, after-parties and whatever, is usually a girl thing -- as is the wedding day before the ceremony.

I'm working on a story centered around a marriage going bad before it starts. It's good to be confident about what's normal before I write the detours.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I would consider it a lesbian story. The main character is a bisexual woman married to a man. The story is about her lesbian journey including her first time. There are also two very brief (couple sentence) encounters with the husband and a handful of mentions, but only as a part of her life, or how it impacts her experiences. It is all about how she experiences the events, but I’ve never been a woman, so I do’t know how realistic or believable a woman would find it.

It’s 18000 words which should be 5-6 pages on the sight, I think. It has three main sections. The first two are intended to be pretty realistic (as erotica goes), but the third cuts loose a bit. I’m excited about it, but I probably have some blind spots when thinking for a woman.

Because her new lover blindfolds her for the third act, it’s titled: Keep the Blindfold On

I'm going to echo NotWise here about aiming this towards your wife's interests rather than women in general. There is one thing that jumps out at me as a big, potential red flag. If you are writing this for your wife, and she is not bisexual or does not have bisexual fantasies, you are not writing it for her. If she has no bisexual inclination and you tell her it's for her, you could cause yourself some real trouble.

Many, many women hate the obsession some men have with projecting lesbian fantasies onto their partners or on women in general. It makes many of us feel like things, and it's a particular fantasy that's been overplayed so badly, that it would be hard to say, "Honey, look what I wrote just for you!" without her wondering if you wished she were bisexual. If she actually is bisexual, that's a different story altogether. In that case, I imagine she would feel good about you embracing that aspect of her sexuality.

In general, any story about something your wife does not want to do that you present to her as being written for her runs the risk of making her feel some pressure to live up to your fantasy. So, if the story you've written isn't something you think she would actually like to do, you might be better off just writing the story you want to write and just offering to let her read a story you wrote, not based on her and not for her.

On a similar note, be wary of writing a story and telling her it's based on her (or making it obviously based on her) and giving her physical "upgrades." That's not likely to go well. If you're patterning your character on your wife, the safest thing you can do is keep your physical description basic, but focus in on a few identifiable characteristics that you can't go wrong with. A nice description of her eyes, the way she walks, her voice, the curve of her back. If you use the wrong word to describe her butt, you may be hearing about it for the rest of your marriage (hopefully in a joking way, eventually, but still... why risk it?)

Now after all of these dire warnings, I feel like I ought to tell you that your idea of writing a story for her is very sweet and something that is likely to be very meaningful to her. I just stuck a bunch of warning signs up around the pitfalls. They're not meant to dissuade you from going down the path, but to help you get where you want to go without risk.

 

[NotWise]

On a similar note, be wary of writing a story and telling her it's based on her (or making it obviously based on her) and giving her physical "upgrades." That's not likely to go well. If you're patterning your character on your wife, the safest thing you can do is keep your physical description basic, but focus in on a few identifiable characteristics that you can't go wrong with. A nice description of her eyes, the way she walks, her voice, the curve of her back. If you use the wrong word to describe her butt, you may be hearing about it for the rest of your marriage (hopefully in a joking way, eventually, but still... why risk it?)

"She had a nice poochy butt," he wrote. "I needed to touch it."

"Are you calling my butt 'poochy?' What the hell does that mean, anyway?" She slammed the manuscript on the table and pushed the chair away. "I'll see your 'poochy' and raise you a 'cute little thing.' Like that?"

The bedroom door slammed behind her and he felt alone -- suddenly very alone.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

"She had a nice poochy butt," he wrote. "I needed to touch it."

"Are you calling my butt 'poochy?' What the hell does that mean, anyway?" She slammed the manuscript on the table and pushed the chair away. "I'll see your 'poochy' and raise you a 'cute little thing.' Like that?"

The bedroom door slammed behind her and he felt alone -- suddenly very alone.

Yup!!

 

[HappySpouse]

My wife is bisexual, but it's a bit complicated. She has always been obviously bisexual,but apparently she was the last one to know. We've been together since we were 15 so there wasn't a big window for her to date a woman, and we grew up in a place were such things were frowned upon. After 20 years together she has finally started exploring this side of herself having a few encounters with women.

As far as writing a story "for her". My first story, Date Night: Dinner for Two, was something I wrote just to let her know how amazing being with her one night was for me. That story is basically a 6000 word love note. She liked and it so much she told me to try to publish it somewhere. The other two are about the strip club encounters that finally made her realize she was bisexual. So, I don't think the story having a version of her in it would be a problem.

Further, I intend to make it clear that it is not her in the story. It is a fictional version of her for us to subject to our fantasies. I am not necessarily trying to guess how my wife would behave in real life, but I do want this story to make clear that my fantasies have always included her being totally free with women to do as she pleases apart from me. I have no interest in ever being with any other woman. She has been nervous to come to me with things she has done before. So, after I wrote two semi-realistic fantasy encounters, I put "Emma" through a full blown lesbian orgy to try and convey that her freedoms end beyond the borders of reality.

My three Date Night stories are written in the first person, and she is actually referred to as "my wife" instead of making it less genuine with a pseudonym (or putting her real name in Erotica). This story is written in the third person and is seen primarily from the view of "Emma". I feel like there is a something not feminine enough in the story telling. My hope is having a woman or two point out some places that seem off to them will help guide my editing decisions in the right direction.

Your thoughts and comments are very much appreciated, and I would welcome more. One of your comments has me thinking about a few changes already.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

My wife is bisexual, but it's a bit complicated. She has always been obviously bisexual,but apparently she was the last one to know. We've been together since we were 15 so there wasn't a big window for her to date a woman, and we grew up in a place were such things were frowned upon. After 20 years together she has finally started exploring this side of herself having a few encounters with women.

As far as writing a story "for her". My first story, Date Night: Dinner for Two, was something I wrote just to let her know how amazing being with her one night was for me. That story is basically a 6000 word love note. She liked and it so much she told me to try to publish it somewhere. The other two are about the strip club encounters that finally made her realize she was bisexual. So, I don't think the story having a version of her in it would be a problem.

Further, I intend to make it clear that it is not her in the story. It is a fictional version of her for us to subject to our fantasies. I am not necessarily trying to guess how my wife would behave in real life, but I do want this story to make clear that my fantasies have always included her being totally free with women to do as she pleases apart from me. I have no interest in ever being with any other woman. She has been nervous to come to me with things she has done before. So, after I wrote two semi-realistic fantasy encounters, I put "Emma" through a full blown lesbian orgy to try and convey that her freedoms end beyond the borders of reality.

My three Date Night stories are written in the first person, and she is actually referred to as "my wife" instead of making it less genuine with a pseudonym (or putting her real name in Erotica). This story is written in the third person and is seen primarily from the view of "Emma". I feel like there is a something not feminine enough in the story telling. My hope is having a woman or two point out some places that seem off to them will help guide my editing decisions in the right direction.

Your thoughts and comments are very much appreciated, and I would welcome more. One of your comments has me thinking about a few changes already.

No fair! You were holding out on the history! The way you write stories for her really does sound very sweet and romantic. It also sounds like you've already considered the danger of your wife feeling pressured by your fantasies.

I took a quick peek at your other stories. I wouldn't be a good person to help with what you're looking for because your writing style is one that I would have a difficult time critiquing. I don't mean to say that I'd have a difficult time critiquing it because it's bad. Not at all. But it's a style that really needs the eye of someone who can appreciate romanticization in a way I cannot.

If you have any specific questions, though, I'd be glad to try to help.

Good luck with your story! I'm sure your wife will appreciate it.

 

[vanmyers86]

And from this vantage point, would that advice have been well heeded, or is the gentleman concerned still your significant other?

They could not have been more right. The marriage officially lasted six years. I was having doubts within two months, but I had made a vow and I grimly stuck to it as long as I could.

 

[erotica_n_s]

A brief touch on her waist, and she becomes aroused - is that believable?

Before I write this scene, I'd be grateful for some advice.

• a group of twenty-somethings - young men and women - all beautiful people
• a day out at the beach - in their beach attire - the guys in beach shorts, showing off their washboard abs, the women in their bikinis
• they're all friends, having a good time, a bit of horseplay, etc.
• then they pose for photographs
• she's had a secret crush on him for a while
• while posing for the photograph, he puts his arm around her, his hand upon her bare waist
  • he didn't think anything of it
  • but it 'took her breath away' - made her silently gasp - although she did her best not to show it
  • his hand only touched her waist for a few moments - until the photograph was taken - then they all moved on
    • he wasn't thinking about it, he barely remembers it afterwards
    • but she finds herself feeling sexually aroused, she spends the rest of the day dreamily playing that moment over and over again in her head

Does that seem believable?

• The sensation of a touch - the sensation of his hand upon her bare waist for a couple of seconds - could that lead to sexual arousal?
• would it make a difference if, rather than being on the side of her waist, if his hand was placed on the small of her back, or her upper back, etc.?
• could a touch like that be socially acceptable between friends, or would it always be perceived as a 'sexual' touch? I mean, in some cultures, touching a woman on the waist is 'always' a sexual touch, and touching her without her permission is likely to lead to a sharp slap on the face, but what about in 'Western' society? [This question is NOT in any way meant to be a 'loaded' question]

 

[Fantastic_Raven]

Oh thank God this thread got raised from the dead. I'd have missed it otherwise.

A brief touch on her waist, and she becomes aroused - is that believable?

If you highlight the secret crush she's had on him, then oh, yes. Add onto that the stress of her questioning how he really feels towards her, as he walks off as if nothing happened. While she might be hesitant (or not, all women are different) in approaching him later on, that one touch can indeed send her onward to Daydream City.

It doesn't matter where someone gets touched in that situation (provided it's not an obvious erogenous zone, of course). Touch is a special sense, that is all the more intense for the relative rarity it gets used relative to the other senses. This is doubly so for those who fall into the "Physical Touch" love-language category (like me).

In America at least, on a beach, and set within the context of a group photograph... Most girls will notice (provided the man's move happens in their sight, of course) but unless there's some other drama mixing in (said man has a known girlfriend, for example) nobody will really care much, especially since the man walking away afterward indicates the move meant nothing to him.

Hope this helps.

On another subject from way-back in this thread, I have about a dozen pairs of shoes I regularly use. I think the big difference is societal expectations. For women more-so than men, the shoes are part of the outfit - and then there's the question of how swollen are my ankles at that moment (thus, potentially two or more pairs of shoes need to match with the outfit in question). There have been times where I have found a dress that I just had to have, but knew I had no matching shoes, which meant buying a new pair of shoes just for the outfit. And, these are the shoes that tend to gather the most dust, too. Over time I've developed the discipline (mostly) to decline such new purchases (dust gathering on shoes indicates it wasn't a good purchase after all). So, there are maybe a dozen pairs that I grab first, and maybe another dozen I tend to think of as a waste of money.

Having said that, I have almost a hundred pairs of shoes. How did I get so many? I inherited them from my late mother. Her story regarding shoes is different than mine. She grew up in abject poverty - think "no running water". Growing up like this leaves mental scars on you; doubly so when you have to go to school with others who don't have the same living conditions as you (this is a prime recipe for bullying). It was well after mom married dad that they worked their way out of poverty together; from my youth, I remember them handing actual food stamps over to the grocery store cashier, and everybody staring at us in response. So, once they worked themselves into the middle class, shoes became one of mom's ways of keeping score. She wasn't trying to keep up with the Jonses or anything, but it was a reminder to her that she wasn't poor anymore. And now I have more shoes than I know what to do with, yet don't want to get rid of any of them, well, because they were my mother's.