asking a partner if they have cum yet during sex

[Kat1980]

One thing I find really really hot- being told about someone's pet peeves during sex.

Her: "... and after thing, why do you always swirl your tongue clockwise on my pussy when you know that, as an Aussie, I much prefer counter-clockwise."

Me: "Counter clockwise for you or for me?"

Her: "... and another thing, I shouldn't have to tell you which frame of reference I'm using at any given time."

Me: "Oh, God! I'm cumming!"

Her: "Gross. Don't do that, either."

That's pretty much my ultimate fantasy.

Ha! That did make me laugh

For me, I wouldn't mind him asking "Have you cum?" in the event of any uncertainty on his part (although I think its fairly obvious when I do).

But it would be the use of the word 'yet' tagged on the end that would ruin the mood for me. I enjoy sex whether I cum or not. It would be the implication not a chore for a man to tick off before he can then get his enjoyment!

 

[amofiga]

I like it when it's obvious that they've cum, either by sound or action. I've known some screamers and some moaners some grunters and some cryers. However, some women are good actresses and can do a great fake job without over acting. One way to know when a woman has cum is if you have your finger in her ass while you're fucking her or eating her. The contractions in her ass will tell you. I suppose she could fake that too, but the real ones are usually at a pretty fast frequency that's a bit difficult to simulate voluntarily. The truly sincere verbal ones and screamers are great. A woman would have no doubt when I cum because I bellow like a bull who's had his balls stepped on. It could be kind of embarrassing in motels so I'd have to stuff my face into a pillow. I knew a woman like that once who was so loud it sounded like she was being stabbed. I knew another who was silent and made these choked-back sounds when she came, but also became quite rigid and then squirted. I often wished I could combine the screaming with the squirting and I'd be in heaven.

 

[Cthulhu1138]

Some women are very, very quiet during sex.

I love our new apartment because my wife finally lets me be as vocal as I would like to be. I think sometimes I overdo it just to let her know that it is okay to say something, do something besides breathe during sex or orgasm.

Some claim that men get too hung up on performance, but at least some form of feedback--positive or negative--is always helpful.

I will concede that tacking on "yet" makes it sound like one's partner is being impatient, but I think that everyone should get turned on when a partner looks into your eyes or simply leans close and whispers
"I want to make you come."

 

[Edensgarden]

***Sidenote: Because it correlates my philosophy about women and bedroom communication -- Ladies, don't EVER fake an orgasm if you plan to sleep with us again. You will never give us a chance to please you if you do that shit, and it ruins relationships. When you praise a sub par performance by making us think we got you off, you encourage us to do the same thing next time. Now it's a habit and you think you're not satisfied because we can't please you... But in reality, it's because you failed at communicating.

I totally agree here and have never faked. If I don't get off, you are going to know about it.

I will concede that tacking on "yet" makes it sound like one's partner is being impatient, but I think that everyone should get turned on when a partner looks into your eyes or simply leans close and whispers
"I want to make you come."

I agree. I think it is the "yet" added on that is the culprit. But "I want to make you come" is very arousing to me.

 

[Miss_Ali]

Hm, I think I disagree with both of those, Miss Ali.

First, arousal cumming have so many psychological factors, it's not fair to call it an 'involuntary response to stimuli'. What about the subs who can't cum unless they believe themselves to have no control over it, or those who get turned on and even cum from a particular scenario, or even a word? I grant you 'cum for me' is pretty darn unimaginative. Unless there's some sort of orgasm denial rp going on, and that's giving them permission to finally release. In which case, fair enough if that's your thing.

Second, ok, you clearly make no secret of your orgasms. Neither do most women. But I have been with some women who, some of the time, have gentle, quiet orgasms that I haven't been able to tell apart from the constant spasms and moans of arousal, and who don't announce it in any way until I keep doing whatever it is I was doing that got them there and have them suddenly wince as they get too post/orgasm sensitive. It's about being atttuned to your partner mostly, but the odd cum does slip past the radar now and again

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It's medical/scientific to call it an involuntary response to stimuli. If it were voluntary, then at any point in my day, whether aroused or not, I woud be able to have an orgasm. It's an involuntary response of the nervous system.

 

[69thfirmesthand]

Try and relax,enjoy the sensations,feelings etc.

YES! I try to explain that, but oh well. I feel super pressure to orgasm and it's hard without a vibrator sometimes.. mostly because I am worried how long it will take and if he's worried he isn't doing a good enough job, which is virtually never the case.. but he thinks it. The pressure kills it whenever I get close. Either form him saying "are you almost there? " or something or me trying so hard to so I don't disappoint him that it becomes a mental block.

I dated a lady who felt pressure to orgasm.Left over from a previous relationship.I just told her to relax and enjoy.I spent a lot of time with foreplay,kissing,teasing the areas that recieved the most verbal response, until she was nice and wet.I then proceeded to go down on her (nothing better than going down on a woman)till she had a orgasm.She had never experienced a orgasm from oral.

If your lover is attentive he /she will know what is working for you by verbal and or body response.If he/she are unaware dont be affraid to speak up.

Communication is key.

 

[Kat1980]

Some women are very, very quiet during sex.

I love our new apartment because my wife finally lets me be as vocal as I would like to be. I think sometimes I overdo it just to let her know that it is okay to say something, do something besides breathe during sex or orgasm.

Some claim that men get too hung up on performance, but at least some form of feedback--positive or negative--is always helpful.

I will concede that tacking on "yet" makes it sound like one's partner is being impatient, but I think that everyone should get turned on when a partner looks into your eyes or simply leans close and whispers
"I want to make you come."

Okay, I too concede that having him cup my chin and tilt my face to his and hear him say "I want to make you cum" is a turn on!

 

[lituserj]

When I was young and prone to speedy ejaculation, my wife (now ex) kicked me so hard in the nuts. I was reliably giving her orgasms before my own at this point. During sex, she came and I felt a way off from my orgasm. I thought ... Hmm, time to master the art of giving her multiple orgasms. My heart swelled with love as I reeled with the thought of helping her to amazing heights of pleasure.

Then she says, while looking kind of annoyed, "you're not done yet?". My heart broke in a million pieces.

Yeah, I don't like this question either.

Ditto!

 

[Alanija]

My partners have never really asked that, they're probably patient, lol. But speaking of cumming, I'm wondering why should he have to ask you if you've come -- isn't it kind of obvious when you do?

 

[Arianthe]

My partners have never really asked that, they're probably patient, lol. But speaking of cumming, I'm wondering why should he have to ask you if you've come -- isn't it kind of obvious when you do?

It's not always obvious. I've know women who are really quiet during sex and seem to take forever to orgasm. I imagine being asked "Have you cum yet?" would totally kill the mood for them.

I'm the opposite. If you're not sure whether I've orgasmed I haven't, because when I do, trust me you'll know about it!

 

[Arianthe]

It's medical/scientific to call it an involuntary response to stimuli. If it were voluntary, then at any point in my day, whether aroused or not, I woud be able to have an orgasm. It's an involuntary response of the nervous system.

It's absolutely an involuntary response to stimuli. At any point in your day, given the correct stimuli, your body's involuntary response will be to orgasm. What the correct stimulation is varies from person to person.

It's possible to train someone to orgasm on command in exactly the same way that Pavlov trained his dog to salivate at the sound of his whistle. I suspect, however, that a woman would need to be multi-orgasmic to begin with.

 

[Alanija]

It's not always obvious. I've know women who are really quiet during sex and seem to take forever to orgasm. I imagine being asked "Have you cum yet?" would totally kill the mood for them.

I'm the opposite. If you're not sure whether I've orgasmed I haven't, because when I do, trust me you'll know about it!

That's the funny part - I am one of those quiet ones. And sometimes it does take forever (at least that's how it feels like for me). There has still never really been any doubt. I think it's got nothing to do with the actual response, it's more to do with the state of mind of the asker.

 

[Dvus_D]

I ask quite often, but that's because I can't tell my wife's orgasms from the regular heavy breathing of having sex. At least, when I'm inside of her. When I'm manually stimulating her or going down on her, I can very much tell when she has or not. It's just something about having our legs moving and tangled up and her breathing in my ear, I lose those subtle cues that tell me if she has or not.

She does have a hard time having an orgasm from penetrative sex, so I usually take care of her first, then she take me inside her. She used to get several orgasms from normal penetrative sex, but those days are a thing of the past.

 

[monkeyman057]

I'm guilty of this from time to time and once had a woman tell me out-right, 'It's a real turn off when you ask me that.' So I stopped asking. The problem is, she would never give any kind of indication that she was having an orgasm, or close. It was very frustrating for me because I never knew if what I was doing felt good to her and often was left wondering what I was doing wrong. The occasional 'don't stop, keep doing that' was helpful on the rare occasion that she spoke up. But even after talking to her about it and explaining that I wanted to make sure that our sex life was fulfilling for both of us, she still couldn't speak up or find any kind of way to let me know that she climaxed. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last and the sex was very unfulfilling for both of us (even though I had no trouble climaxing).


It's very difficult to be sensitive to her needs when I can't tell if her needs have been met. As a previous poster mentioned, it can be very difficult to read body language when her body is under me and my view primarily consists of the top of her head. (Geez - I'm sensitive to your needs but I'm not fucking telepathic!) Lots of women are too embarassed to vocalize their needs. The only cure I've found for this is making sure that I vocalize mine so that she can see that it's ok. That doesn't always work.

The moral of the story is this - if he's asking, it's because he cares. It's almost like asking for permission. If you don't care about your own orgasm then tell him not to wait for you. If you want him to wait until you've had yours then find a way to communicate that to him AND find a way to let him know when it's ok for him to let go. Do those things and you'll never have to hear 'Have you cum yet?' ever again. And I promise, your man will appreciate the dialog.

As an aside - we don't find it particularly sexy to have to ask - frankly it kind of kills the mood for us too, but many of us feel a need to look after our ladies desires before indulging our own.

 

[BongoGal]

I like stopping in the middle of a blow job and asking him if he came yet.

 

[vibes]

I like stopping in the middle of a blow job and asking him if he came yet.

One can never be too cautious eh

 

[Cthulhu1138]

I like stopping in the middle of a blow job and asking him if he came yet.

That's because you're just a horrible tease.
;-

 

[Tomahawk26]

I don't think I have ever been asked this. . . I'm pretty noisy all around during sex, but my orgasms are definitely an amped-up version of the usual moaning and profanity!

 

[llmjj83]

I dislike when a man says, "Cum for me". If he were educated he would know that an orgasm (male or female) is an involuntary response to stimuli.

I don't know how most women feel about this, but as for myself, a lot of times just hearing him tell me to cum for him will remove any 'mental block' that I may have at the time against cumming. Of course every person is different, but it works for me.

 

[sdineen]

o

reminds me of an old blue joke.
What is the difference between a wife, a girlfriend and a hooker?
The Hooker says have you cum yet, the girlfriend says you came allready, wife says You forgot to paint the sealing.

 

[MsQuote]

When a guy asks you if you have cum yet does it kill your build up? I do understand that he wants to know so he can finish or whatever, but it is the biggest orgasm killer for me. Hearing, 'are you close?' 'are you gonna cum?' 'have you cum yet?' Throws me off tremendously. Anyone else?

That's hasn't happened in a long time, and if it did, he'd have to be pretty damn stupid not to realize it on his own. I'm pretty responsive and obvious.

The only time I could think of that I wasn't reactive was with my ex-husband. He had no idea of what to do and was simply unteachable.

 

[MsQuote]

I'm guilty of this from time to time and once had a woman tell me out-right, 'It's a real turn off when you ask me that.' So I stopped asking. The problem is, she would never give any kind of indication that she was having an orgasm, or close. It was very frustrating for me because I never knew if what I was doing felt good to her and often was left wondering what I was doing wrong. The occasional 'don't stop, keep doing that' was helpful on the rare occasion that she spoke up. But even after talking to her about it and explaining that I wanted to make sure that our sex life was fulfilling for both of us, she still couldn't speak up or find any kind of way to let me know that she climaxed. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last and the sex was very unfulfilling for both of us (even though I had no trouble climaxing).


It's very difficult to be sensitive to her needs when I can't tell if her needs have been met. As a previous poster mentioned, it can be very difficult to read body language when her body is under me and my view primarily consists of the top of her head. (Geez - I'm sensitive to your needs but I'm not fucking telepathic!) Lots of women are too embarassed to vocalize their needs. The only cure I've found for this is making sure that I vocalize mine so that she can see that it's ok. That doesn't always work.

The moral of the story is this - if he's asking, it's because he cares. It's almost like asking for permission. If you don't care about your own orgasm then tell him not to wait for you. If you want him to wait until you've had yours then find a way to communicate that to him AND find a way to let him know when it's ok for him to let go. Do those things and you'll never have to hear 'Have you cum yet?' ever again. And I promise, your man will appreciate the dialog.

As an aside - we don't find it particularly sexy to have to ask - frankly it kind of kills the mood for us too, but many of us feel a need to look after our ladies desires before indulging our own.

I don't know who you're with or what state in your relationship you're in, but spend one long night when you have time to devote yourselves to touching every part of your body and talking about it. Start with the more innocuous parts of the body like under her arms or the crook behind her knee and start from there. It' also a good time to ask, "Do you like it like this ... or do you like it better when I do this?" Make it fun. When the emphasis isn't on coming, it's a neat way to find out what feels good and what feels really good. Sometimes you'll be surprised about the spots, touches and techniques that are real turn-ons. It's a much more fun naked time than you can ever imagine.

At another time you're not having sex, you might want to say something like, "I like hearing you when something feels good." Some people feel very self-conscious about those primal sounds that could come out of their mouths during sex. My ex-boyfriend said he thought he sounded stupid when he made noises during sex. I had to assure him that I was the only person who could hear him and that I thought it was a huge turn on. He didn't quite believe me until I said, "Well, you like to hear me moan/purr/scream."

 

[monkeyman057]

I don't know who you're with or what state in your relationship you're in, but spend one long night when you have time to devote yourselves to touching every part of your body and talking about it. Start with the more innocuous parts of the body like under her arms or the crook behind her knee and start from there. It' also a good time to ask, "Do you like it like this ... or do you like it better when I do this?" Make it fun. When the emphasis isn't on coming, it's a neat way to find out what feels good and what feels really good. Sometimes you'll be surprised about the spots, touches and techniques that are real turn-ons. It's a much more fun naked time than you can ever imagine.

At another time you're not having sex, you might want to say something like, "I like hearing you when something feels good." Some people feel very self-conscious about those primal sounds that could come out of their mouths during sex. My ex-boyfriend said he thought he sounded stupid when he made noises during sex. I had to assure him that I was the only person who could hear him and that I thought it was a huge turn on. He didn't quite believe me until I said, "Well, you like to hear me moan/purr/scream."

Currently, I'm with my wife who gets an A+ in communication skills. We've done what you suggested and you're right that it's great fun and very intimate. The anecdote that I related in my previous post was an experience from a previous relationship.

I'm very big on communication and my wife and I have no trouble in that arena at all. My point was rather that some women (just as some men) have a hard time feeling comfortable enough to open up during or even after sex - even if it's as simple and natural as a moan. I think that's very similar to what you're saying in your second paragraph there.

At any rate, thanks for the suggestion. Perhaps it's time for another session of sensual touching with the wife. We both so enjoy that...

 

[Scotsman69]

If you have to ask whether your partner has orgasmed, you've no business being with her/him.

 

[Micklesko]

No need to ask; the evidence is dripping all over.