Asking For Help

[ZRT]

That all sounds very familiar.

The other thing that is weird to me is that somehow I've given some people the impression that I really have my life together. One person in particular was really shocked to find out some of the things I struggle with. It's interesting that how you view yourself and how others view you rarely correlate.

Very very few people are secure in their lives. Most of them project the front that they are, all the while running through life afraid that somebody's going to catch them out on what they perceive all their screwups are. As a consequence, most people look around and get the notion that 'they can do it, why can't I?'

Personally, I attribute this to a loss of our old agrarian/family social structure. Life sped up at the same time that we lost the ability to distribute the tasks of life among a larger group of people. So by and large, most people feel somewhat isolated and alone.

 

[bethpage]

BiBunny, if nothing else, you should figure by now that you are not alone. I know it really helped me to read this.

A huge resources to me is www.flylady.net Its a organization/help site that teaches you to build routines that help you deal with life. Things like how to clean without going crazy, how to keep track of your money and be good at it, etc. She is coming from a Christian perspective and tends to talk a lot to married women w/ kids (or that's what seems to annoy most of the people who complain ) so if either of those annoy you it might not be worth more than a look.

But the most important things I learned are:

• didn't get messy in a day won't get clean in a day
• always get dressed in the morning, all the way to the shoes
• you can do anything for 15 minutes (timer!!)

There's a lot of information that can help people with memory problems, who might need others to take up the slack (its hard to have people help when you can't tell them how they can help), and for kids.

Anyway, I totally empathize. And because of my issues like yours, I've decided I can't be self employed right now--because if I don't have "go to work or get fired" consequences, I just don't. Its part of how I cope is to have external consequences that make me do what I need to do. Now, if only I could get that to work for school stuff.....only 1 more semester......

Netzach--thanks for the reminder to remember what you are good at.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Very very few people are secure in their lives. Most of them project the front that they are, all the while running through life afraid that somebody's going to catch them out on what they perceive all their screwups are. As a consequence, most people look around and get the notion that 'they can do it, why can't I?'

Personally, I attribute this to a loss of our old agrarian/family social structure. Life sped up at the same time that we lost the ability to distribute the tasks of life among a larger group of people. So by and large, most people feel somewhat isolated and alone.

Now to just figure out how to change things for the better.

 

[Netzach]

BiBunny, if nothing else, you should figure by now that you are not alone. I know it really helped me to read this.

A huge resources to me is www.flylady.net Its a organization/help site that teaches you to build routines that help you deal with life. Things like how to clean without going crazy, how to keep track of your money and be good at it, etc. She is coming from a Christian perspective and tends to talk a lot to married women w/ kids (or that's what seems to annoy most of the people who complain ) so if either of those annoy you it might not be worth more than a look.

But the most important things I learned are:

• didn't get messy in a day won't get clean in a day
• always get dressed in the morning, all the way to the shoes
• you can do anything for 15 minutes (timer!!)

There's a lot of information that can help people with memory problems, who might need others to take up the slack (its hard to have people help when you can't tell them how they can help), and for kids.

Anyway, I totally empathize. And because of my issues like yours, I've decided I can't be self employed right now--because if I don't have "go to work or get fired" consequences, I just don't. Its part of how I cope is to have external consequences that make me do what I need to do. Now, if only I could get that to work for school stuff.....only 1 more semester......

Netzach--thanks for the reminder to remember what you are good at.

I like flylady as much as I can, considering I can't relate to the audience. If nothing else I've used it metaphorically. Your "sink" may not necessarily be a sink at all, but the overall advice really does work well.

 

[ZRT]

Now to just figure out how to change things for the better.

That's a lifelong progression. The trick is bite-sized chunks, a piece at a time. And believing in yourself.

 

[ultramarineblue]

That's a lifelong progression. The trick is bite-sized chunks, a piece at a time. And believing in yourself.

Very true, yet very difficult to actually do.

 

[ZRT]

Very true, yet very difficult to actually do.

You have to conquer yourself, basically. Challenge your bad habits, become engaged.

I'll be blunt- there's no secret to it, it -is- a lot to do with willpower and determination. Take a failure and turn it into fuel to do better the next time. Don't dwell on your mistakes, learn from them. Above all, keep moving, don't let yourself fall into the pit. It's one thing to stop and catch your breath and analyze the situation, but what you absolutely have to curtail is allowing yourself to succumb to the comforting idleness that comes from feeling it's all futile.

I used to get 'em bad, those dark times. I had to fight like hell to drag myself out of them. And I'll assure you, it is worth the fight.

 

[Adakgirl]

So?... a little humility won't kill you. So they think less of you (tho I doubt they will) so what? You won't die of embarrassment I promise and if you enjoy humiliation...telling them you need help and asking for direction from them is the perfect opportunity to humiliate yourself in front of them..yet still gain from doing it.

And I agreee with the lists..but make them small and managable

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

Hello sweetie!

Just another one of us loony, lovely, semi-adult Lit people who struggle with everyday CRAP and want to do better, chiming in to support you, BiBunny!

I have very much the same issues with distraction, self-indulgence and procrastination. It's been a problem ALL of my life for various reasons (and I'm not telling you how LONG that's been! ;-)) Something I've found very helpful for me (until I doused mine with water and now need to replace it) is a PDA. NO, not public displays of affection, silly girl! That just makes me worse! ;-) I mean a Personal Data Assistant. I had one NOT attached to my phone, and loved it. No distractions to check my email, chat with so-and-so, call in to see what movies were playing... just schedules, phone numbers, notes to self, alarms to let me know when things are due... stuff like that. And all small enough to fit in my pocket! Awesome little machine, almost as important to me as my Pocket Rocket! ;-)

And here's a little something to help boost your self-esteem, sweetie.... You asked for help just now! YAAAAYYYY!!! *tosses confetti in the air and strikes up the marching band!)

Sometimes it's easier to ask for assistance when those helping won't have as much power to hurt if they should judge. Asking for help from those we love and live with is sometimes tougher than shoving that camel through the eye of a needle thing! (Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour?! Twisted, but there you go! what can we expect from someone with unlimited power who still has to listen to people ALL DAMN DAY instead of just bummin' around and sunning himself in Bimini!! Sort of like that poor Verizon guy... the m-fer's gonna go postal someday... wait and see!!)

It's also pretty affirming to realise that I'm not the only one struggling with trying to put a life together with a blue-print full of holes! I struggle with the fact that I didn't have role-models for much of anything, just the selfless love (albeit very temporary and fleeting) of a couple great foster parents. The rest I've been winging with mostly kicks in the face from people who haven't got a clue either! Thanks Netzach and CutieMouse!

 

[ultramarineblue]

You have to conquer yourself, basically. Challenge your bad habits, become engaged.

I'll be blunt- there's no secret to it, it -is- a lot to do with willpower and determination. Take a failure and turn it into fuel to do better the next time. Don't dwell on your mistakes, learn from them. Above all, keep moving, don't let yourself fall into the pit. It's one thing to stop and catch your breath and analyze the situation, but what you absolutely have to curtail is allowing yourself to succumb to the comforting idleness that comes from feeling it's all futile.

I used to get 'em bad, those dark times. I had to fight like hell to drag myself out of them. And I'll assure you, it is worth the fight.

This is pretty much what I've been working on the last couple of years. I don't see a change in myself but my friends tell me they do. Once this is conquered something else will take its place. I don't say that to be pessimistic although I can see how it would sound that way. All I'm saying is that we are all works in progress.

 

[bethpage]

You have to conquer yourself, basically. Challenge your bad habits, become engaged.

I'll be blunt- there's no secret to it, it -is- a lot to do with willpower and determination. Take a failure and turn it into fuel to do better the next time. Don't dwell on your mistakes, learn from them. Above all, keep moving, don't let yourself fall into the pit. It's one thing to stop and catch your breath and analyze the situation, but what you absolutely have to curtail is allowing yourself to succumb to the comforting idleness that comes from feeling it's all futile.

I used to get 'em bad, those dark times. I had to fight like hell to drag myself out of them. And I'll assure you, it is worth the fight.

I printed this out, and I've got it hanging on my mirror. I've been comfortable with futility lately. Thanks.

 

[sexygoth87]

It takes more guts to go to someone and say "i've fucked up" or "i'm in a mess" can you help me out? Than just to blindly struggle through and hope.

 

[BiBunny]

I talked to them about it. We're trying to think of good solutions. We shall see.

 

[Adakgirl]

See how simple that was? I'm so glad you did! Why to go Bunny! Also By your description I'd say your master is probably right and that you do have ADD. It's not an excuse it's a disorder and it can be treated.

 

[ZRT]

I printed this out, and I've got it hanging on my mirror. I've been comfortable with futility lately. Thanks.

It's worth it, trust me. When you come out the other side, you get a chance to realize just how awesome life is when you're comfortable with yourself.

I talked to them about it. We're trying to think of good solutions. We shall see.

Rock on. Good going.

 

[Marquis]

I think being honest about your limitations is the most important step in overcoming them.

I struggle with this as well.

 

[gypsy*seer]

I never express my desire for help - emotional, physical or financial. I'm too proud.

I know where it stems from - my childhood. I've always been the one who 'takes care of everything', so to ask for help of any kind would be a sign of weakness on my part. I don't ask my parental unit/family, I don't ask my friends, I haven't asked any of my previous partners and I won't ask my current PYL.

Maybe it's a stubborness, I prefer to think conditioning. Maybe a bit of both.



People can't imagine I'm not superwoman...people can't be allowed to think I'm anything less than perfect (when I clearly am less than perfect) but asking for help would reinforce that 'weak' image and I don't allow it. An example being there are days when I much sicker physically than I'll let on, but I won't ask for help, I'll push through, smile and say everything's fine, because it's what I've always done.

I am of the exact same mindset, ShyVixen. Not really much you can do about it if you have been living that way all of your life. I don't expect anyone to be able to fix things except me, since I fix everything else. I can't/don't rely on other people, family OR friends, not necessarily because they have let me down, but they depend on me to keep them 'up'.
So what do I do? Internalize, shut down, clam up, and talk to my imaginary friends... (Oh, and sometimes listen to the little voices in my head!)

 

[ShyVixen]

Bunny, glad to see you talked about things

I am of the exact same mindset, ShyVixen. Not really much you can do about it if you have been living that way all of your life. I don't expect anyone to be able to fix things except me, since I fix everything else. I can't/don't rely on other people, family OR friends, not necessarily because they have let me down, but they depend on me to keep them 'up'.
So what do I do? Internalize, shut down, clam up, and talk to my imaginary friends... (Oh, and sometimes listen to the little voices in my head!)

Internalize, shut down, clam up and write...that would be me I still haven't gotten to the stage where I can ask for help. I hate the idea that anyone could see me as weak or needy. I really need to get over that my mindset...or I'll run myself into the ground.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I my lists.

Yup, me too.

Especially at work. Because my brain won't just settle down, I have this habit of being half way through a task, then randomly jumping into something else as soon as it pops into my head. It's not unusaul for me to have 3 half finished jobs sitting on my desk, and two on the computer.

That's when I start to feel overwhelmed by everything.

So now, when a thought pops into my head, I add it to the list and keep on with what I'm doing. Seeing everything laid out like that, rather than swirling around in my head, makes me much more confident about completeing everything.

And there's something to be said for the sense of accomplishment as you tick off your list.

But also, there's nothing wrong with asking for a bit of help getting things more structured. Gives you a framework to work within, might make you feel a little more in control of everything. I know it does for me.