Bad Sub / Fantasy v. Reality

[Acktion]

Thank you for this thread, Cookie. And for all the respondents so far.

My Domly wisdom tells me that I should keep my yap shut (or my fingers braided together), but I've been lurking and ruminating. And,... well... as difficult as it may be for some to believe who have encountered my long-winded ass before, I don't always just have to toss my nickel into every thread. But, this one... this one, I just can't remain quiet.

I've had probably more than my fair share of submissives, both on-line and off, considering I am not Fabio or Christian Grey. And the thing is, the real thing doesn't have to measure up to the fantasy. It's much better.

Did we fight? You bet. At the risk of pissing off the natives, I can remember three with my wife of two and a half decades. Now, some will roll their eyes and think me bragging since they fight two or three times a week, and here I am saying that we only fought (what I considered a fight) three times in twenty-five years. But, my point is that yes, my slave fought her Master, my submissive rebelled against her Dominant. My little bucked her Daddy. It doesn't matter how often it happens, I don't think. It matters how it is handled and what comes next. And you know what? I won. Every time. Even when I was in the wrong. Even when we then did it her way afterwards. I won because she was still with me, was still mine.

I preferred her naked. However, having a couple of kids, being disabled or handicapped or whatever the term is now, and age made her less than enamored of her own body. We compromised and she was allowed to wear clothing. One of my shirts. Or one of her nightshirts. A moo-moo when we anyone other than just us was around. And it didn't slow me down from playing grab titty and spank ass, or from taking her anywhere I damn well chose (sans her safeword). In the kitchen, at the stove, does come to mind since someone mentioned it. And, yes, in her orange corduroy moo-moo.

And, yeah. We would both get tickled by normal bodily functions occurring during romantic interludes. Farts? Hell, let me tell you about the time our belly buttons formed suction!

Or maybe not. Some things should probably remain private.

I don't know. I readily admit that not only is my sell-by date long past, but (depending on whom is asked) my use-by date as well. But, I've tended to look at it like this for a while now.

She ain't got to be anybody else's idea of perfect, not even her own, so long as she is perfect for me.

And I ain't gotta be anybody else's idea of the perfect Dom, not even my own, so long as I am perfect for her.

And if I ain't Fabio or Christian Grey, so long as she is alright with that and opens herself up to me completely, I think that's a good thing. And, yes, including letting me see her completely naked. Tummy. Freckles. Grey hair. Scars. Hell, I readily admit I really am that shallow. And if I didn't like what I see, then I wouldn't be here.

So, go ahead and be perfectly imperfect you. The One who is meant to will value you all the more for it. The ones who don't... fuck 'em. Er... or rather don't.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I don't know. I readily admit that not only is my sell-by date long past, but (depending on whom is asked) my use-by date as well. But, I've tended to look at it like this for a while now.

She ain't got to be anybody else's idea of perfect, not even her own, so long as she is perfect for me.

And I ain't gotta be anybody else's idea of the perfect Dom, not even my own, so long as I am perfect for her.


So, go ahead and be perfectly imperfect you. The One who is meant to will value you all the more for it. The ones who don't... fuck 'em. Er... or rather don't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLQez3qFBHY

*sending love to your sweet one*

Thanks for being you.
~Angie

 

[cookiecat]

I guess I am one of those newcomers that would rather not go texting for months just to find out on the very first face-to-face that there is absolutely no chemistry to speak of. Though I don't mistake lust for love.

But, having said that, with one guy prolonged texting did work great. When we met online he was leaving for a trip in couple days, so he was out of the country for two weeks, then we met the next day after he came back, and then I left for two weeks. For us it was not planned, but maybe you can artificially introduce this "unfortunate" delay? It is much easier for a guy (or for me ;. ) to wait an extra week or two if he knows that this delay is not because you don't want to see him, but because you can't. Lying about being away is way too complicated and is not a right way to start a relationship, but maybe you can come up with something more realistic for your life? Swamped at work till the project is finished in 10 days? Babysitting a nephew while his parents are out of town? Anything that is actually true, but maybe not exactly to the extent you present it.

I guess I didn't convey what I meant. I am not interested in prolonged texting. I want to meet in a timely manner.

The way of my dating world seems to start online then move to meeting. It's been about 9 years since Ive done this. Something has changed in that time and it seems to be this desire for instant sexting. A need to see naked pics right away.

I'm all for it but not in the first few messages. Dont send me a dick pic right off.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm not sure I've really reconciled it, and I definitely recognize the dysfunctional relationship with the body that you described. My general dislike for my body just has nothing, or at least little, to do with the seemingly perfect, airbrushed pics of black and white skinny chicks. It's not reality, I know perfectly well that I'll never be able to look like that, so I don't use the pics as a yardstick at all. They don't make me feel bad or "less than" at all.

I opened the Ravishingly Rubenesque thread by accident a few days ago and that was a lot more difficult for me to handle than the more typical skinny pics. The rubenesque is my peer group, and realizing that I'll never be able to look like those chicks either hit me a lot harder. So. I'll stick with the stuff that has absolutely no connection to my reality.

There are times when I miss touches and the physicality of sex, when I wish someone could want me because of my body as well as because of my brain. It's never happened, I doubt it ever will. So for the most part I choose to focus on the things that do work to my advantage. At least until I win the lottery and can have a complete body do-over.


But was the point of this thread just that people rarely look like the airbrushed black and white ladies kneeling next to a man in well tailored suit? The post quoted in the first post mentions that she cooks and sleeps with clothes on and I took that as an example of what makes her a bad sub.

The way I see it, and that I mentioned in my previous post, is that the pics like the airbrushed kneeling pics or the ones where subs cook naked except for an apron and a pair of heels are taken and shared because they are *not* the norm and exactly because they are a part of a fantasy. They depict the extraordinary moments amid the mundane, and the mundane is what makes those moments stand out as worthy of being taken a pic of (okay, yes, I know they're planned photoshoots, but whatever).

Should there be more pics or posts about the mundane BDSM, the ones where the sub cooks with their clothes on and scrubs the bathtub feeling nothing special or just being pissed off that it's always them that cleans the bathroom rather than the elation of being able to submit? Videos where the sub is tied up and gets a cramp?

Or is there just a need and want for pics and posts of people who look different than the people in the most stereotypical black and white pics but acting out the same scenes?

Wouldn't that be quite the thread - cleaning the bathtub with my clothes on.

I honestly don't know what is needed. The Rubenesque thread covers some of seeing people who look different in D/s situations. Shankara's thread covers some of that, too. I think it's ok to have fantasy images, some of them are hot. I've used them as a way to communicate needs, as foreplay, as a way to get off.

Sometimes it bugs me we even need to have a Rubenesque thread. Why can't that just be rolled up in to the other picture threads? Is my fat a fetish? Or just a preference? What if a thread was called Sexy and skinny? Would that even be acceptable?? Then I flip flop and think what the heck? Why not?

Annie mentioned there are more real pics on Fet and that's true. But they still have a picture board called "Kinky and Popular" and 99% of the images are skinny white female subs with male D's. Not a lot of queer images, not many people of color, no disabled folks.

Comparison is the thief of joy. I don't usuallly set myself up to fail by comparing myself to anyone else, much less fantasy, photoshopped images. It's just been on my mind lately due to trying to "get out there" - navigating the dating / kink world again.

When you wrote "I'll stick with the stuff that has absolutely no connection with my reality" - that strikes me as what fantasy is all about. I'm not sure I really want to look at women who look like me who only do what I do. I want to see things I only dream of doing, things I secretly want to do.

 

[cookiecat]

for me, the online world is a fantasy where i can escape from reality (my reality) most of us ( me too) have body issues. i think i have a halfway decent body but those pics... sigh... i understand and i wish i knew enough texh to make my pics look like that...

but anyway, its mostly in the mind, even while irl scene... its mostly in my head (sub space?)

the reality is even when pics turn out really well... the actual holding the pose for the pic, fake smile makeup clothes... blah blah...
i mean i put in the effort sometimes but still its not really "fun" except in the head space.

Yeah - the stuff posted here is about aspiration and inspiration. Things I secretly want to try, images that get me wet.

There's a couple on another site who posts pics of themselves totally not posed. They are exceptionally fit and pretty!! But they are always sweaty and messy and sometimes have goofy looks on their faces. I appreciate the raw quality of their pics.

I've only had one picture taken of me during sex. I was giving head. I had really short hair, mo make up on. I was wearing one of his shirts. I looked like a boy. I think my guy was a little more freaked out than me when we were looking at those pictures later!! LOL.

Reality vs fantasy. seela asked if there should be realistic threads - the mundane side of D/s. No - I don't think that's my answer. It's more about setting aside my stuff.

 

[cookiecat]

<snip>

So, go ahead and be perfectly imperfect you. The One who is meant to will value you all the more for it. The ones who don't... fuck 'em. Er... or rather don't.

I think I'm sort of saying the same thing over and over.

Yeah - the picture threads are all about fantasy. It's ok. I do wish there was more conversation going on. It happens once in a while and it's enjoyable.

indie said this:

Fortunately, though, I've learned there are no perfect people. The person you're afraid to share the unfiltered parts with is likely also afraid to share the same with you. But once you do - once you let the wall crumble - it's the most amazing feeling to be loved and wanted for exactly who you are. And the parts you find ugly, unremarkable, or boring are likely just the things that end up bringing you closer together. To let yourself be vulnerable and in turn for them to be vulnerable with you, is something kind of amazing.

and coupled with what Acktion said (and someone who is pm'ing me right now!) - once the right person comes along, things will fall in to place. I'll be a good sub who wears clothes while I cook and clean and be judged on the merits of my character (and my blow jobs) instead of the way I look in heels or the fact I forgot to shave.

That whole kissing a few frogs until the right person comes along.... ugh. I need to gear up. Put on my dating armor. Be a little more confident.

I'm actually going to go bake chocolate chip cookies now. Fully clothed, wearing slippers.

 

[AnnieLit]

I guess I didn't convey what I meant. I am not interested in prolonged texting. I want to meet in a timely manner.

The way of my dating world seems to start online then move to meeting. It's been about 9 years since Ive done this. Something has changed in that time and it seems to be this desire for instant sexting. A need to see naked pics right away.

I'm all for it but not in the first few messages. Dont send me a dick pic right off.

Oh! I misunderstood, sorry.
No, I don't think much changed in this sense. You might have run into few strange guys, but in general this is not the case. In the last 9 months I talked with couple dozen people on dating sites, none of them asked for naked pictures. Couple asked for face pictures, but even they understood why I said no and did not have any problems with that.

As for the dick pics... Some guys have them in their profile portfolio. Since they get an immidiate "no" from me, I don't know what they ask for and when The rest ... I don't remember a single dick pick, even when we did end up sexting it was still words only.

Update.
I just got an idea: could this be site specific? Maybe on some sites it's a norm and on others it is not? Though I am not sure how people will know that, but there are usually some chat groups and boards, so they might.

 

[seela]

Fat as a fetish. I hate concept when it's applied to me. I've also been told I wasn't fat enough and that disappointed the other person. So I just can't win.

But when I've been with someone with a very specific fetish, I've found it great and I've felt myself super hot and attractive. It's easier for me to understand that there's this very specific thing about me that's really, really hot to someone. Me as a general can be a horrible uggo, but still realize that there are a few things that are hot and desirable.

It gets boring after a while, but being someone's fetish can be really hot (and objectiftying, which is amazing).

I think I'm sort of saying the same thing over and over.

Yeah - the picture threads are all about fantasy. It's ok. I do wish there was more conversation going on. It happens once in a while and it's enjoyable.

I agree with this. Pics are about a fantasy and that's why they've never bothered me and I don't feel bad because I'm not a lithe little subbie like the chick in any given pic. To me it's the same as looking at a pic of a unicorn or an elf. Not real, but also doesn't make me feel bad because I can't ever be an elf, or whatever.

Thay said, I also never intentionally open any of the pic threads here and l only end up seeing any of them of I click on them by accident when I intended to open a different thread.

And from that follows that I often come here and don't open any threads at all. All that's been posted are pics.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Fat as a fetish. I hate concept when it's applied to me. I've also been told I wasn't fat enough and that disappointed the other person. So I just can't win.

But when I've been with someone with a very specific fetish, I've found it great and I've felt myself super hot and attractive. It's easier for me to understand that there's this very specific thing about me that's really, really hot to someone. Me as a general can be a horrible uggo, but still realize that there are a few things that are hot and desirable.

It gets boring after a while, but being someone's fetish can be really hot (and objectiftying, which is amazing).

This was a very good point. I agree that the times I've felt the best about myself physically were when I knew for sure I was exactly my partner's cup o tea.

Ironically, the first conversation about attraction with my ex involved him telling me bigger was better and my reply was "post in Ravishingly Rubinesque or it didnt happen."