BDSM and Marriage

[Netzach]

I think that judging the OP as trying to exclude people would be exactly the opposite point of this post.

The OP FEELS excluded, because as the post detailed, they haven't met many, if any, monogamous hetero couples.

They want to know if they are common, if there are more out there in the kink world.

This isn't about exclusion in a sense that the OP is actively saying, "non-monogamous non-hetero people are weird, come save us!", it's more of a "We feel alone here, can someone let us know we're amongst others of our flavor of relationship?"

Automatically condemning people as being exclusionary without examining your snap judgement as possibly the very thing you're judging the OP for isn't constructive.

When I started becoming interested in feminism, my identity was very different than it is now. I did not start the party with "where da straight white girls at!?" Actually I did, and someone explained to me why that makes you an asshole, whatever your reasoning.

I chilled out, listened to a lot of people and found common ground with them where applicable. Feeling alone is part of a lot of other people's everyday experience, feeling isolated less desirable and in need of a tribe is simply something that's new for someone with a mainstream identity. Maybe it's a good moment of discomfort, not something to run away from.

It has nothing to do with "look aren't I special" that other people move away from mainstream identities. Please, could we find a more patronizing way to ask that? It's exactly why I'm not comfortable with this inquiry. Why do you need other people whose relationships look exactly like yours or enough like yours?

If you're doing power dynamic stuff in bed, that puts you in the boat. I'm also doing exciting stuff like paying bills, getting sick, and going to weddings and funerals and still trying to work in power dynamics in the real world, but because my partner has a boyfriend once in a while, this suddenly makes me The Other.

"Some of my best friends are" married monogamous heterosexuals. They don't feel anxiety when they're the only ones in the room, that's all.

 

[Stella_Omega]

No need to be all defending your queer territory, it's a public forum.

Married couples have done BDSM for as long as BDSM has been a thing.

So have unmarried couples, and single folk have managed to find each other-- usually within the brothel walls-- lesbians, gay men, it's a mighty fucking big umbrella.

 

[Netzach]

No need to be all defending your queer territory, it's a public forum.

Married couples have done BDSM for as long as BDSM has been a thing.

So have unmarried couples, and single folk have managed to find each other-- usually within the brothel walls-- lesbians, gay men, it's a mighty fucking big umbrella.

No one's arguing it's not. But it's historically been a huge tent on the wrong side of town, near the docks, and with some rats in the corners. If you can't come into the tent until you're sure the Joneses will be there too, that's what I'm talking about.

What if they're not? Do you still want the information badly enough? Are you going to say "fuck it" and dive into the mosh pit at this scene, or are you just going to keep looking to see if they're on the guest list and spend your night like that?

 

[IrisAlthea]

No need to be all defending your queer territory, it's a public forum.

Married couples have done BDSM for as long as BDSM has been a thing.

So have unmarried couples, and single folk have managed to find each other-- usually within the brothel walls-- lesbians, gay men, it's a mighty fucking big umbrella.

That's just it, I like my umbrellas big.

 

[rosco rathbone]

incorporated BDSM

What does this even mean?

These days, anyone in a relationship that's not explicitly "equal" is "incorporating BDSM". What started out as a subculture with a lot of special rules and traditions is now just the default way the larger culture frames any power imbalance.

 

[thewantonwife]

Mr. Wanton here:

There's a post a few up or down from this one called "Open Relationships", and we haven't commented on it. I don't have strong opinions on them, other than I know I'm not psychologically compatible with the concept or the actuality. I wouldn't presume to post there because I don't have anything beneficial to add to the conservation, and because of my mindset anything I wrote would probably read poorly.

Me popping in there would just add conflict which would be counter to the poster's desire to gain information or perspective.

I'm traditional, and out of phase with my chronological generation, so it's taken some extra effort to wrap my head around some concepts. I don't need validation of the form "this couple does BDSM like this so we can too".

Contrary to expectation we don't spend a lot of time judging other peoples mores or choices, I'm more concerned about discerning what are good choices for us - and we have gotten some pm's and messages with offers to be a sounding board.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

Mr Wanton, I have actually felt judged by your wife in my own thread, which was what put the element of bitchiness in my post here. Also, her question was poorly worded.

 

[satindesire]

As someone already pointed out, being married to someone of the opposite sex and mono is the 99% tribe.
This is not OP:s first post though and OP seems very focused on the married and committed in a monogamous way.
I'll readily admit though that the post rubbed me the wrong way so I might be overreacting. On the other hand it wouldn't be the first time we had tiring mono/poly discussion here though, would it?

But if the OP is NEW to the tribe of BDSM and Literotica, they don't readily know that, do they?

No, it wouldn't be the first time to us, but it is the first time for the OP, and not every new poster immediately goes to the Stickies. Perhaps next time you find a post tiring, you could link the FAQs? That way you can make your point without being stabby.

 

[satindesire]

When I started becoming interested in feminism, my identity was very different than it is now. I did not start the party with "where da straight white girls at!?" Actually I did, and someone explained to me why that makes you an asshole, whatever your reasoning.

I chilled out, listened to a lot of people and found common ground with them where applicable. Feeling alone is part of a lot of other people's everyday experience, feeling isolated less desirable and in need of a tribe is simply something that's new for someone with a mainstream identity. Maybe it's a good moment of discomfort, not something to run away from.

It has nothing to do with "look aren't I special" that other people move away from mainstream identities. Please, could we find a more patronizing way to ask that? It's exactly why I'm not comfortable with this inquiry. Why do you need other people whose relationships look exactly like yours or enough like yours?

If you're doing power dynamic stuff in bed, that puts you in the boat. I'm also doing exciting stuff like paying bills, getting sick, and going to weddings and funerals and still trying to work in power dynamics in the real world, but because my partner has a boyfriend once in a while, this suddenly makes me The Other.

"Some of my best friends are" married monogamous heterosexuals. They don't feel anxiety when they're the only ones in the room, that's all.

The OP wasn't being patronizing. I believe that's your discomfort with "the tribe" talking. If the OP is new to BDSM, she hasn't had the time to grow as jaded as folks like yourself have become.

Yes, the momentary realization and discomfort is healthy. Seeking out other people to talk to and relate to IS TOO.

I really have no idea why everyone's going after the OP with torches and pitchforks. I love a good Troll Roast more than the next guy, but the OP isn't a troll and roasting them is just cranky. And we're adults, let's be better than that.

 

[Netzach]

What does this even mean?

These days, anyone in a relationship that's not explicitly "equal" is "incorporating BDSM". What started out as a subculture with a lot of special rules and traditions is now just the default way the larger culture frames any power imbalance.

Uhuh.

Makes me wonder about the point of that, but it doesn't matter. It's a done deal.

 

[satindesire]

What does this even mean?

These days, anyone in a relationship that's not explicitly "equal" is "incorporating BDSM". What started out as a subculture with a lot of special rules and traditions is now just the default way the larger culture frames any power imbalance.

Rosco, if you want to be a hipster, grow a mustache and get a Fixie. "I was BDSM before Fifty Shades" isn't your style.

 

[Netzach]

The OP wasn't being patronizing. I believe that's your discomfort with "the tribe" talking. If the OP is new to BDSM, she hasn't had the time to grow as jaded as folks like yourself have become.

I don't appreciate being ghettoized in the context of BDSM in the same way I get to be everywhere else, so I'm jaded.

 

[satindesire]

I don't appreciate being ghettoized in the context of BDSM in the same way I get to be everywhere else, so I'm jaded.

I didn't say it was a bad thing. Lower you hackles.

 

[Netzach]

Normally I totally appreciate any and all assume the best and don't be a bitch to the new girl impulses, but there's a tone here, an established tone from posts outside this one question.

 

[satindesire]

Normally I totally appreciate any and all assume the best and don't be a bitch to the new girl impulses, but there's a tone here, an established tone from posts outside this one question.

Ah. I wasn't around to see that. I might be defending a person who doesn't deserve it, and I'm not ashamed to admit when I could be wrong.

 

[Stella_Omega]

That's just it, I like my umbrellas big.

I don't, actually.

I don't like being squashed up against people that I have nothing in common with, simply by the pressure outside of the umbrella. I don't like the way hetero D/s mimics your standard everyday misogyny/misandry and I am profoundly uncomfortable witnessing it. I like to avoid those spaces. I don't want men-- trans OR cis-- in my lesbian spaces, and my gay friends should not have to have women in their all male spaces.

There are flavors that simply don't go well together.

But there you go. All of us who are non-norm get shoved under that one umbrella. And this forum is that umbrella.

I kinda think that we should all have the right to hold up the smaller umbrellas UNDER the great big one that separates all of the non-normative from the privileged norm. But that would be on a different website.

 

[thewantonwife]

Mr Wanton, I have actually felt judged by your wife in my own thread, which was what put the element of bitchiness in my post here. Also, her question was poorly worded.

MissMaidenMinx - Mrs. Wanton here,

As for my Husband's (our) poorly worded question, i think we tried to clarify it a few posts into this thread, and then again further on.

Now to the bee in your bonnet. What you are bothered with, is what my Husband wrote. Yes, His tone was blunt in regards to your post about meeting up with a potential new lover, which your Husband knew about.

To be fair to my Husband, He is a bit more disparaging these days - especially after what I've put Him through. He didn't have a choice or a voice in my decisions. So some of that bled in through His comments to you in regards to your situation.

And while my Husband's matter-of-fact tone may have come across judgmental or even critical, He was trying to pose a perspective which might be examined when opening up a relationship.

Sometimes because we love our partners we do things we don't necessarily like to do or want to do. BUT because of that devotion and love we have for our partner, we do those things and try to deal or cope without making our partner feel contrite.

I'm NOT saying this is the case in your situation, just something which needs to be considered.

Right or wrong, my Husband's point about solid, honest and candid communication in EVERY relationship is valid.

I hope your situation works out for ALL parties involved. Because at the end of the day, there is just too much heartache out there in the world to wantonly add to it. And THIS i speak of from experience.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Mr Wanton, please-- open your own account so your wife doesn't smell like your shit.

 

[Primalex]

The OP wasn't being patronizing.

Good thing that we have you for this.

 

[Kim_Burly]

I was a cheater, but I got caught. I tried to get my husband to let me still see my Dom, insuring him it was just physical. I told him he could see other women as long as he was discreet. Since I love him so much I told him I would quit with my Dom, he wasn't interested. We divorced and I was with a part-time pain slut for the married Dom that I cheated with for two years. Now I have moved on and hopefully I've found a mate that is kinky and I can love, time will tell.

Husband and I are curious how many married couples reading here have incorporated BDSM into their marriages.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

Mr Wanton, please-- open your own account so your wife doesn't smell like your shit.

Completely agree with this!

 

[satindesire]

Good thing that we have you for this.

Troller harder, you're getting stale with the same tired shit.

Still obsessed with me, I see. Why don't you find a new pretend girlfriend to stalk, I'm taken.

 

[IrisAlthea]

The OP wasn't being patronizing. I believe that's your discomfort with "the tribe" talking. If the OP is new to BDSM, she hasn't had the time to grow as jaded as folks like yourself have become.

Yes, the momentary realization and discomfort is healthy. Seeking out other people to talk to and relate to IS TOO.

I really have no idea why everyone's going after the OP with torches and pitchforks. I love a good Troll Roast more than the next guy, but the OP isn't a troll and roasting them is just cranky. And we're adults, let's be better than that.

I get to decide when I feel patronized and when I think someone is patronizing to others.

I don't get the concept of troll roasting (or even the concept of troll as used by most people) and I have no intent of roasting anything.

I don't, actually.

I don't like being squashed up against people that I have nothing in common with, simply by the pressure outside of the umbrella. I don't like the way hetero D/s mimics your standard everyday misogyny/misandry and I am profoundly uncomfortable witnessing it. I like to avoid those spaces. I don't want men-- trans OR cis-- in my lesbian spaces, and my gay friends should not have to have women in their all male spaces.

There are flavors that simply don't go well together.

But there you go. All of us who are non-norm get shoved under that one umbrella. And this forum is that umbrella.

I kinda think that we should all have the right to hold up the smaller umbrellas UNDER the great big one that separates all of the non-normative from the privileged norm. But that would be on a different website.

I get what you mean but I don't believe in finding an umbrella to stand under where I can agree fully with everyone else and where everyone fully agrees with me.
The size of the smaller umbrella would still approach zero as we factor in more things we can disagree about.

And now I've got that Rihanna song stuck in my brain. Ugh!

 

[satindesire]

I get to decide when I feel patronized and when I think someone is patronizing to others.

I don't get the concept of troll roasting (or even the concept of troll as used by most people) and I have no intent of roasting anything.

 

[anjian]

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