Marquis
Jack Dawkins
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I've got time.
BDSM and Obsessive or Addictive Behavior
- Thread starter intothewoods
- Start date
I've got time.
intothewoods
Truth seeker
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I didn't say it was lengthy. It's just not that salacious! I called up an ex I had sworn I'd never contact again. Not a good guy. That's it. The end. Totally worth the wait, eh?
Marquis
Jack Dawkins
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intothewoods
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An update on my mental health, for all that have been waiting with baited breath...
So, yeah, I'm not an addict, and I actually don't think my therapist was even hinting at it. I think I heard the word addict and kind of freaked out. It had been a freaky kind of week.
I do think I have an obsessive compulsive side. Many of us probably do. I don't turn doorknobs ten times before I open them or anything, but I -- well, today I poured the coffee from a usually drippy carafe at work and thought, ooh, that didn't even drip a bit. I rawk.
There are these unknown things about myself that I'm exploring in therapy. Looking back at why I made certain choices, etc. Sometimes the unknown is in the dark, like Shank said. And shining the light on those things can be scary. I think when I am in the thick of exploring and understanding something I don't get yet, I sometimes do compulsive things to try and get a handle on it. Sometimes I journal obsessively. And sometimes I do some emotionally masochistic things to myself. There is this bad, dark, shame cycle I sometimes engage in, and it's easy for me to associate that with sex and bdsm.
I mean, a little dark and unknown is hot, right? I'm not the only one who plays with that, and plays in that part of my mind to get off. So, sometimes it's hard to remember I'm still okay, even if I go there.
You know, I read Marquis' post and went, whoa, I'm so out of my league. I've never done what he's describing. But in some ways, it was kind of like a bender - what I did last week. I looked at something over and over and over - kept obsessively searching it on the 'net - and thought, gross. I must be like that - sick, dangerous, unable to control myself, a slave to any sick fantasy that pops into my head. I can't be a mother. I can't go on and get married, and have more children. Who knows what sick shit is in my head?
What I learned this week in therapy (and do stay tuned for more exciting episodes) is that I was afraid of something inside myself that I didn't understand. And so by torturing myself with it, I wanted to get it out of myself. In that way, it's like an alcoholic who goes back to drink - you just want some relief. I just wanted this out of me. But it's only fleeting. It was still inside of me. But this week in therapy, I started to really unpack it, and what really will "get it out" of me is to understand it and understand me.
Did any of that make any sense? I hope so.
So, yeah, I'm not an addict, and I actually don't think my therapist was even hinting at it. I think I heard the word addict and kind of freaked out. It had been a freaky kind of week.
I do think I have an obsessive compulsive side. Many of us probably do. I don't turn doorknobs ten times before I open them or anything, but I -- well, today I poured the coffee from a usually drippy carafe at work and thought, ooh, that didn't even drip a bit. I rawk.
There are these unknown things about myself that I'm exploring in therapy. Looking back at why I made certain choices, etc. Sometimes the unknown is in the dark, like Shank said. And shining the light on those things can be scary. I think when I am in the thick of exploring and understanding something I don't get yet, I sometimes do compulsive things to try and get a handle on it. Sometimes I journal obsessively. And sometimes I do some emotionally masochistic things to myself. There is this bad, dark, shame cycle I sometimes engage in, and it's easy for me to associate that with sex and bdsm.
I mean, a little dark and unknown is hot, right? I'm not the only one who plays with that, and plays in that part of my mind to get off. So, sometimes it's hard to remember I'm still okay, even if I go there.
You know, I read Marquis' post and went, whoa, I'm so out of my league. I've never done what he's describing. But in some ways, it was kind of like a bender - what I did last week. I looked at something over and over and over - kept obsessively searching it on the 'net - and thought, gross. I must be like that - sick, dangerous, unable to control myself, a slave to any sick fantasy that pops into my head. I can't be a mother. I can't go on and get married, and have more children. Who knows what sick shit is in my head?
What I learned this week in therapy (and do stay tuned for more exciting episodes
) is that I was afraid of something inside myself that I didn't understand. And so by torturing myself with it, I wanted to get it out of myself. In that way, it's like an alcoholic who goes back to drink - you just want some relief. I just wanted this out of me. But it's only fleeting. It was still inside of me. But this week in therapy, I started to really unpack it, and what really will "get it out" of me is to understand it and understand me. Did any of that make any sense? I hope so.
Marquis
Jack Dawkins
- Joined
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- Posts
- 10,462
It sounds like you've had some important revelations, but I guess I'm confused as to how this* relates to calling up an ex.
*I looked at something over and over and over - kept obsessively searching it on the 'net - and thought, gross. I must be like that - sick, dangerous, unable to control myself, a slave to any sick fantasy that pops into my head.
*I looked at something over and over and over - kept obsessively searching it on the 'net - and thought, gross. I must be like that - sick, dangerous, unable to control myself, a slave to any sick fantasy that pops into my head.
intothewoods
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Oy vey, Marquis. You just can't let me be vague, can you?!
