BDSM as an alternative to "sex"?

[where]

There's a wide swath of BDSM degradation that holds no interest for me, either. Verbal abuse, pissing on, making them lick the floor, and so on. For some reason, I just don't find that arousing.

I don't even do the most basic "you dirty whore" thing. I'm not into fucking dirty whores, and not into pretending that I am.

But I do have a hyperaggressive physical streak that appreciates coming unleashed every now and again. It would be disingenuous for me to describe the unleashed form as anything but degrading.

I actually find it degrading to both parties. A partner, for obvious reasons, and me, because I become so thoroughly uncivilized, so bestial.

OK, I think I can see how that could degrade, (you especially). I have only ever been with men who are completely in control, both of themselves and of me (sexually speaking) so it's hard to imagine that kind of out of control physicality, but I can see how it could get to be degrading for the other party.

what do you do if the other party tells you to stop? do you? can you?

 

[JMohegan]

OK, I think I can see how that could degrade, (you especially). I have only ever been with men who are completely in control, both of themselves and of me (sexually speaking) so it's hard to imagine that kind of out of control physicality, but I can see how it could get to be degrading for the other party.

what do you do if the other party tells you to stop? do you? can you?

Depends on the manner of telling.

 

[SimonBrooke]

I don't get how vanilla sex is degrading to women either.

I'm not sure about degrading, but it might be uncomfortable. Ginger is good, but (like a cock) it's nice and round and fairly juicy. Vanilla pods are thin, hard and dry... I'm also not certain how intense an effect vanillin would have on female genitalia.

In short, while figging is fun, I don't think vanilla sex would be anything like as good as the real thing.

 

[teknight]

And the real thing in this case would be ...?

 

[teknight]

I don't think that's a cop out. Makes perfect sense.

It's a cop out inasmuch as I've never considered the topic, for the aforementioned reason. Thus I can't say if I'd be into it or not. I can consider it without finding it disgusting from the onset...but, at the same time, it doesn't make me drool. What's more, I don't want it to have that effect on me right now, at this point in my life.

Hence the cop out. It's a catch 22?

 

[smart_and_sexytxgirl]

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of having sex, which still includes 'sex' in the vanilla sense. Am I right in thinking that most heterosexual couples into BDSM still have 'regular' sexual intercourse too?

For me though, BDSM is an alternative to vanilla sex and sexual intercourse. For many reasons, including childhood repression, intimacy issues, health anxieties and the fact that I think it's degrading to women, I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement. During my last relationship which lasted two years, I'd say we had a very active and varied sex/BDSM life, yet never once had sexual intercourse.

Is there anyone else who's sexuality is like this, or am I alone in this? And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

I don't think that anyone has really answered her fully yet. I'm new to BDSM, so I can't really answer, but if I'm reading the questions right, you are asking if you still have sex apart from situations influenced by BDSM? So do we still have intercourse without any BDSM flavor? And I'm also assuming that regular intercourse doesn't stimulate you anymore? You have become so used to BDSM that you cant do it without it?

 

[Belle966]

Re the bold: Mostly because omg sex is awesome. I don't separate the two, normal and alternative sex. It's all just sex.

Re: Finding sex degrading to women, how did you come to that belief/value ? Have you ever considered that sex can be very empowering to women? What made you dismiss that?

It's just something I've always felt, and as I've got older and I've read feminist literature I've realised that there are other women who feel the same way. I believe sex in general can be empowering to women, but I believe that society's focus on intercourse as the only true form of sex favours men only. By definition it's an act of violation and conquest of the woman's body, and it carries so many more risks for women than it does for men.

 

[teknight]

It's just something I've always felt, and as I've got older and I've read feminist literature I've realised that there are other women who feel the same way. I believe sex in general can be empowering to women, but I believe that society's focus on intercourse as the only true form of sex favours men only. By definition it's an act of violation and conquest of the woman's body, and it carries so many more risks for women than it does for men.

Can I point out that's a sexist definition you're using there?

*braces for the firestorm*

 

[Belle966]

Hmmm, if I were you, I would be getting some sort of counselling to see why you feel sex is degrading to women because you are missing out on a lot of living if you truly feel that way and don't have sex.

Catalina

Like I said, to me sex is more than intercourse. I'm surprised that someone into BDSM would take this view, that there's something wrong with you if you don't enjoy vanilla stuff.

 

[Belle966]

Can I point out that's a sexist definition you're using there?

*braces for the firestorm*

In what way? I just meant it in physical, biological terms.

 

[teknight]

"By definition it's an act of violation and conquest of the woman's body, and it carries so many more risks for women than it does for men."

Maybe sexist isn't the best word. But you're refering to the symbolism of it all- the woman yielding and opening up, the man penetrating her defenses, etc...that's all semiotics describing default biology. Assigning moral values to such a basic biological act biases its interpretation.

 

[prostation]

i thought i read "intimacy issues" and "childhood repression" somewhere in the op. that might be the key to something, perhaps?

 

[KoPilot]

It's just something I've always felt, and as I've got older and I've read feminist literature I've realised that there are other women who feel the same way. I believe sex in general can be empowering to women, but I believe that society's focus on intercourse as the only true form of sex favours men only. By definition it's an act of violation and conquest of the woman's body, and it carries so many more risks for women than it does for men.

From what I've seen, not true. "Society's" obsession lies with orgasms, and doesn't seem to particularly care how you get there, so long as you have them, and have lots of them all the time, otherwise something's wrong with you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

From what I've seen, not true. "Society's" obsession lies with orgasms, and doesn't seem to particularly care how you get there, so long as you have them, and have lots of them all the time, otherwise something's wrong with you.

unless you want to have too many of them too much of the time. And then there's something wrong with you.

 

[NomadLady]

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of having sex, which still includes 'sex' in the vanilla sense. Am I right in thinking that most heterosexual couples into BDSM still have 'regular' sexual intercourse too?

For me though, BDSM is an alternative to vanilla sex and sexual intercourse. For many reasons, including childhood repression, intimacy issues, health anxieties and the fact that I think it's degrading to women, I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement. During my last relationship which lasted two years, I'd say we had a very active and varied sex/BDSM life, yet never once had sexual intercourse.

Is there anyone else who's sexuality is like this, or am I alone in this? And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

I have sessions with two Doms that I've never had intercourse with. There has been oral sex (giving on my part) only and other types of intimate play but like I said no PIV intercourse. That is just how those two relationships are going for me right now so I can see what you mean about BDSM replacing sex for you. I can come away from sessions with these two men just as satisifed as if I had an all-nighter of vanilla sex....to be honest, I probably come away MORE satisfied as my BDSM "itch" has been scratched and depending on the intensity of the session, I can be much calmer, satiated and happy.

 

[marieR19]

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement. During my last relationship which lasted two years, I'd say we had a very active and varied sex/BDSM life, yet never once had sexual intercourse.

Well, maybe I shouldn't even be answering here since I haven't even had the opportunity for sex in the past... year? more?... But whatever.

With my last relationship, and to a lesser extent the relationship before that, I liked the bdsm parts more then the sex parts. We had sex, but I have never gotten as turned on during sex as I do with bdsm. Sex is... I don't know. I used to think it was my med's fault, one of the main side effects is "lower sex drive" or whatever. But now I think it's just me. "Regular" sex doesn't really appeal to me. Sex with bdsm tones I can do, but the sex part itself still just doesn't do much for me. I get a lot more, physically and mentally, from just being choked or slapped or something without actual sex.

 

[Redhill123]

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of having sex, which still includes 'sex' in the vanilla sense. Am I right in thinking that most heterosexual couples into BDSM still have 'regular' sexual intercourse too?

For me though, BDSM is an alternative to vanilla sex and sexual intercourse. For many reasons, including childhood repression, intimacy issues, health anxieties and the fact that I think it's degrading to women, I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement. During my last relationship which lasted two years, I'd say we had a very active and varied sex/BDSM life, yet never once had sexual intercourse.

Is there anyone else who's sexuality is like this, or am I alone in this? And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

Wow lay off the caffeine....one can have both without the heart attack

 

[KoPilot]

unless you want to have too many of them too much of the time. And then there's something wrong with you.

Whew! Glad I don't have that problem!

 

[leomasoch]

BDSM without 'sex'.

BDSM seems to be usually seen as a way of having sex, which still includes 'sex' in the vanilla sense. Am I right in thinking that most heterosexual couples into BDSM still have 'regular' sexual intercourse too?

For me though, BDSM is an alternative to vanilla sex and sexual intercourse. For many reasons, including childhood repression, intimacy issues, health anxieties and the fact that I think it's degrading to women, I don't have 'sex', and BDSM has become my replacement. During my last relationship which lasted two years, I'd say we had a very active and varied sex/BDSM life, yet never once had sexual intercourse.

Is there anyone else who's sexuality is like this, or am I alone in this? And for the people who still have regular 'sex' too, what is it about sexual intercourse that means you have to do it in addition to your kink (apart from if you want to have kids)? Do you still see intercourse as 'normal' sex, despite being into alternative sex too? Do you feel that having intercourse as well makes you more 'normal' and acceptable in society?

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I am not allowed penetrative sex with my Mistress. She uses me orally to bring her to orgasm. After that I am usually dismissed. Sometimes she gives me permission to bring myself to orgasm after I have left her. Very occasionally I am allowed to jerk off in her presence.

The sense of servitude and denial which this situation creates is for me the ultimate masochistic experience.

leomasoch

 

[Stella_Omega]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not allowed penetrative sex with my Mistress. She uses me orally to bring her to orgasm. After that I am usually dismissed. Sometimes she gives me permission to bring myself to orgasm after I have left her. Very occasionally I am allowed to jerk off in her presence.

The sense of servitude and denial which this situation creates is for me the ultimate masochistic experience.

leomasoch

Does she instruct the servants to whip you?

I'm gonna say that I think your never-penetrated Mistress is giving up a very potent orgasm source, namely the G-spot, for the sake of your maso thrills. I know most people don't think this way but it's totally possible for a woman to top a man while he's inside her.

(ETA) What the FUCK happened to Bitchy Jones's blog!!!!

 

[KoPilot]

Does she instruct the servants to whip you?

I'm gonna say that I think your never-penetrated Mistress is giving up a very potent orgasm source, namely the G-spot, for the sake of your maso thrills. I know most people don't think this way but it's totally possible for a woman to top a man while he's inside her.

The face dildo immediately comes to mind.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Mizz Jones talked about handcuffing him sitting in a chair, adding nipple clamps and whatever, and riding him while she tormented him until he "screams into her mouth" which would trigger her orgasm. I don't remember the details and her blog is mostly emptied out dammit.

 

[leomasoch]

I'm gonna say that I think your never-penetrated Mistress is giving up a very potent orgasm source, namely the G-spot, for the sake of your maso thrills. I know most people don't think this way but it's totally possible for a woman to top a man while he's inside her.


My Mistress says she has never had an 'internal' orgasm and only gets pleasure externally. She does not like toys and finds an obedient tongue the most useful means to obtain an orgasm.

leomasoch

 

[baronsgirl]

Satindesire said: Intercourse is normal. BDSM is normal.

Totally agree. My husband and I do some BDSM but on nights when we're tired we do a more vanilla sort of thing. BDSM seems to take more effort and attention and focus. With Baron, it's BDSM because he is very interested in control - and I've found I love giving myself up to him.

I came across a personal ad from a guy who described himself as being "totally normal, not into anything weird." And I thought, Whoa, you must be such a snore in bed. I admit there are plenty of things that I'm not attracted to but I don;'t judge. It's all normal. What's not normal is to draw such rigid, harsh lines around what a person finds appealing or doesn't.

It's not that unlike food and eating. I think of the BDSM population as being like people with very diverse palates rather than those meat-and-potato only types who won't try new foods. (Those people are a huge drag, in my opinion.)

That said, vanilla sex is great, just the way vanilla ice cream is great. As part of a balanced diet.

I don't see how sex is degrading to women.

 

[infinity706]

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