Best Friends Forever

[nosebone]

Kant:

Excellent story. I initially thought it was drawn out some until I reached the end and realized it was one page and a very sexy final passage and it became all better!!!

I won't harp on the punctuation stuff as I'm sure that you'll hear those from others and I routinely publish things with less than stellar polish.

Some things I really enjoyed.

His insistence on calling you Kevin and his hesitance to accept you as who you see yourself. This adds layers of reality to the story.

The tease. There's continual build up, with no release!!!!

Smoking the cigarette. I know you should go to hell for this now, but lipsticked lips smoking a cigarette drive me bonkers. Hard to imagine that this has become a fetish, but it has. You wrote it very well. Loved it.


Anyway, just my initial thoughts!!! You're doing some great stuff!!! Keep it up!!!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Kant, your speech tags! Whoa, far too many for me, they just become intrusive, far too contrived. They actually get in the way of your dialogue, I think.

Also, "waddle?" Nooo. Ducks waddle, not some slinky creature gliding over a bed .

But the ebb and flow of the seduction, nice. EB intoned, without adding anything to the sentence .

 

[MelissaBaby]

Kant, your speech tags! Whoa, far too many for me, they just become intrusive, far too contrived. They actually get in the way of your dialogue, I think.

Also, "waddle?" Nooo. Ducks waddle, not some slinky creature gliding over a bed .

But the ebb and flow of the seduction, nice. EB intoned, without adding anything to the sentence .

I agree with EB about the tags, but I don't want to overlook just how pitch perfect the dialogue seems to me. You strike just the right tone of desire mixed with a little bit of first time awkwardness. Don't distract from it!

 

[Kantarii]

Kant, your speech tags! Whoa, far too many for me, they just become intrusive, far too contrived. They actually get in the way of your dialogue, I think.

Also, "waddle?" Nooo. Ducks waddle, not some slinky creature gliding over a bed .

But the ebb and flow of the seduction, nice. EB intoned, without adding anything to the sentence .

I’ve incorperated the tags into my writing style. I do see where there is residency using a question mark followed by “I ask”. I may submit an edit to correct that and remove a few of the tags, but it’s going to be limited. I have a love affair with them, racking my brain to find the right tag to reinforce the dialogue. Certainly the reader wouldn’t know I was lying to Brian without saying “I lie/ I fib etc., right?

Waddle. Yes, waddle to eliminate the excessive use of words of saying I walked across the bed on my knee towards him, well, I waddled. Ducks waddle, but if a person walks on their knees - same effectKant

 

[Kantarii]

I agree with EB about the tags, but I don't want to overlook just how pitch perfect the dialogue seems to me. You strike just the right tone of desire mixed with a little bit of first time awkwardness. Don't distract from it!

Thanks. A lot of the dialogue stems from keeping good notes in my personal diary. However, a lot comes from simplifying it and not trying to use a 5$ word where a .10¢ word is more than enough to suffice.
Many readers fail to realize this is Brian’s first experience, not mine.

Nosebone picked up on the fact Brian called me Kevin and didn’t ask if I used a feminine name. I never identified as a woman to Brian in that sense because I didn’t want him to feel like he was losing his best friend. That doesn’t mean the topic wasn’t brought up after we had sex.

Thanks for the insight. I know my dialogue tags area bit intrusive, but I know I’m writing on an erotic fiction site. I’m not competing to win a prize or land a writing job. Part of the joy to writing is finding something about it that pleases the writer. The tags are that joy for me in the grand scheme of telling a story from my personal diary. That’s why it is so hard to let go and use “I say”.
Kant

 

[MelissaBaby]

Thanks. A lot of the dialogue stems from keeping good notes in my personal diary. However, a lot comes from simplifying it and not trying to use a 5$ word where a .10¢ word is more than enough to suffice.
Many readers fail to realize this is Brian’s first experience, not mine.

Nosebone picked up on the fact Brian called me Kevin and didn’t ask if I used a feminine name. I never identified as a woman to Brian in that sense because I didn’t want him to feel like he was losing his best friend. That doesn’t mean the topic wasn’t brought up after we had sex.

Thanks for the insight. I know my dialogue tags area bit intrusive, but I know I’m writing on an erotic fiction site. I’m not competing to win a prize or land a writing job. Part of the joy to writing is finding something about it that pleases the writer. The tags are that joy for me in the grand scheme of telling a story from my personal diary. That’s why it is so hard to let go and use “I say”.
Kant

Every author has their idiosyncrasies. You are a good story teller, and reading you gives me some insight into a mind and a life very different from my own. That's what counts.

 

[Kantarii]

Just wanted to touch base with those that critiqued my last chapter of “Best Friends Forever” from this thread/ forum and let you all know I took in consideration the suggestions made against the previous chapter. Overall, yes, it was “painful” to tweak my writing style in certain areas, but I am pleased with how the most important chapter in the series turned out when I finished it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/best-friends-forever-pt-07

The link to my newest chapter is posted for those that care to read it. An honest critique, comments good or bad and votes are most appreciated as I continue my quest to be a better writer and storyteller. ThanksKant

 

[MelissaBaby]

Just wanted to touch base with those that critiqued my last chapter of “Best Friends Forever” from this thread/ forum and let you all know I took in consideration the suggestions made against the previous chapter. Overall, yes, it was “painful” to tweak my writing style in certain areas, but I am pleased with how the most important chapter in the series turned out when I finished it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/best-friends-forever-pt-07

The link to my newest chapter is posted for those that care to read it. An honest critique, comments good or bad and votes are most appreciated as I continue my quest to be a better writer and storyteller. ThanksKant

Very nice job. I liked the dialogue and thought it moved at a smoother pace than in previous entries. The erotic energy in sustained throughout. I liked your previous work, but you have shown real improvement.

 

[Kantarii]

Very nice job. I liked the dialogue and thought it moved at a smoother pace than in previous entries. The erotic energy in sustained throughout. I liked your previous work, but you have shown real improvement.

Thanks for the insightful critique, Melissa

Ultimately, my main goal is to improve my writing. If it weren’t, I would’ve left this story hidden away within the pages of my personal diary with no desire to share it. I have found that investing an extra month or so into a chapter gives me the needed time to fine tune aspects that make a good story great for the reader. Rushing to post a story only to post one isn’t as exciting as having one reader - just one - to relate to what I’ve written or reach out and share their thoughts. Many thanks again, Melissa
Kant

 

[Kantarii]

For those following along critiquing my “Best Friends Forever” series, the newest chapter is posted.
https://www.literotica.com/s/best-friends-forever-pt-08
Kant

 

[Bill_Cosplay]

I'm not into man on man but your dialogue tags followed by a comma and exposition are NOT killing it. It stunts the natural readability. It's robotic. It's monotone. The dialogue is better without everything after the last quotation marks.


And while reading this made me uncomfortable, it was a good paragraph until the last sentence:

Brian's cock twitches inside of me, filling me with the warm, wet sensations of his orgasm. I feel blessed. I don't want him to pull it out of me and take that feeling away - not now - it feels too damn good. My ass tightens around his hard cock milking every drop of cum from him I possibly can. Then, he resumes humping me, I assume, to prolong the moment.

The type in bold would be better written as (to my ears): Then he resumes humping me, prolonging the moment.

For every good sentence you write, there is a bad one that takes me away from the story. It's word choice that's making everything I read sound choppy.

Hope this helps. I'm not much of a reader anymore, but I gave it a shot.

 

[Kantarii]

I'm not into man on man but your dialogue tags followed by a comma and exposition are NOT killing it. It stunts the natural readability. It's robotic. It's monotone. The dialogue is better without everything after the last quotation marks.


And while reading this made me uncomfortable, it was a good paragraph until the last sentence:

Brian's cock twitches inside of me, filling me with the warm, wet sensations of his orgasm. I feel blessed. I don't want him to pull it out of me and take that feeling away - not now - it feels too damn good. My ass tightens around his hard cock milking every drop of cum from him I possibly can. Then, he resumes humping me, I assume, to prolong the moment.

The type in bold would be better written as (to my ears): Then he resumes humping me, prolonging the moment.

For every good sentence you write, there is a bad one that takes me away from the story. It's word choice that's making everything I read sound choppy.

Hope this helps. I'm not much of a reader anymore, but I gave it a shot.

Thank you
That one little sentence you pointed out was removed on the edit I submitted earlier this morning. The chapter went live on Lit before I could correct that. Sorry. Thanks for the heads up, though. Sometimes I catch the mistakes, sometimes the mistakes catch me.Kant

 

[Bill_Cosplay]

Thank you
That one little sentence you pointed out . . .

You're welcome and thanks for having the guts to share. I'm no trained critic, just a person who has read a lot of stories. But that one little sentence was the first one I came across when I opened the screen to your story. It was fifty-fifty for me throughout your work, so much promise, then so much promise taken away.

 

[Kantarii]

You're welcome and thanks for having the guts to share. I'm no trained critic, just a person who has read a lot of stories. But that one little sentence was the first one I came across when I opened the screen to your story. It was fifty-fifty for me throughout your work, so much promise, then so much promise taken away.

Well, I’ve taken in account what most of the people here have mentioned to me. I went back and submitted edits to chapters 1-4 of “BFF” along with chapter 8. Over the next week or so, I will finish the re-edits of chapters 5-7 and submit them as well. Mega thanks for reading

 

[Kantarii]

Okay, so I finished chapter 9 of “BFF”

https://www.literotica.com/s/best-friends-forever-pt-10

Overall, I’m pleased with how both chapter 9 & 10 turned out. Honestly, I feel like they’re at a pinnacle in my writing abilities. The ratings may not reflect that, but I can’t please everyone telling a story from my diary - which is understandable.

Both chapters were experiment for me. Chapter 9 dealt with texting and internal issues from an external source. Chapter 10 is a painful walk through rejection as a defining moment that lays the groundwork for a relationship that eventually follows.

Neither chapter can be seen as “erotic”, but without these two chapters the story collapses in on itself. For those that choose to read chapter 10( the newest chapter) and critique it, I’m looking for an honest opinion on the “believability” factor. There shouldn’t be too many technical issues.
Kant

 

[Madelyne13]

I am new here so I started with part 10. I was curious whether this would be too late for me to develop any interest in the story. Actually the rejection element caught my attention. Also I found it easy to read and it had a good pace. The rejection fitted and didn't overwhelm the chapter. I don't know if I am making any senses but I will when I have time read from the beginning you have captured my interest. Thank you