Born to be a sub?

[Fuckette]

It actually caught me off guard that it would impact me the way it did.

Perhaps there is hope for me yet

Looks like good news.

 

[pink]

i honestly don't know if i was born submissive or if my childhood made me a submissive person. i was born the youngest of five, my siblings were all very outgoing and much older than i was. i was bullied and picked on, physically and mentally. i was very quiet and grew into a quiet, introverted teenager who never wanted to create a fuss or cause trouble.

i am still a bit like this today, although, thankfully, i came out of my shell. i love to laugh, i love people, i am still a wee bit shy to this day but i've come so far. my submissiveness has never changed. i think it makes me a special person. i'm not sure what caused it but it is ingrained in me.

 

[kayleira]

Good morning

Well, I think there is more than one answer to your question.

First of all, I think you still mourn over the loss of your partner. Yes partner, not Dom. You know, some relationships just leave those darn marks, that won't fade...

In addition to the strong feelings for your partner you had a D/s relationship. You know, submission is a great gift which cannot be given half hearted and tends to leave you vulnerable. You submitted and gave yourself away, without saftey net or other precautions. Now you two broke up and you fell
Healing takes time and it is perfectly normal that you need time to seperate between the feelings you had for your partner and the feelings you got by submission. Don't worry, it will take time, but you will find out. Then, as your wounds heal, you will have the strength again to submit again, - if you want to.

About being born submissive:
It seems that we can play different "roles" in our lifes. Some fit us better and others less. Interaction with an other person (and having a relationship is one of the closest interactions) influences the role you are playing, and so it can happen that a former submissive becomes dominant in a relationship and vice versa.
In a lot of cases the roles you fall in easier will make you happier, since they are more natural, but that doesn't have to be true in all cases. Here I want to point out, that we all have some kind of self image, that our roles shouldn't / can't / mustn't contradict.

Summing up I think it's complicated and hard to say what will make you happy. It's depending on your self image, your character and the interaction with your partner and probably some other factors I haven't even thought about.

Take your time and mourn. I'm sure it will get better. And then, as the pain fades, you will know what you want and how.

Kay

PS I once mourned about a year over a relationship that only lasted three months. And no, it wasn't even D/s.

 

[ladycrow]

I think that many people can step into a role that is not really them and maybe even play it well. Those who don't know themselves well might not even realize this is happening! However, I think the desire to be/do something leads one to do it better, to learn more and to really improve up oneself as much as possible. In a relationship dynamic like that of dominance and submission, it's often not enough if your partner simply flicks the whip or takes the paddling, their enjoyment (or at least fulfillment) through the shared activities is often paramount to their own happiness.


I hate to sound snobbish but I do think there is a difference between playing the dominant role in a relationship and being a Dominant in a D/s relationship. We all play the former in one way or another during our lives but not everyone can do the latter.

But whether you are born submissive or you're submission is something garnered from your environment, I cannot say. It's the old nature/nurture discussion and I've always felt that both play a crucial role.

 

[sweetamber]

Your heartache really comes through in your original post and I feel for you. I think that ending any relationship is hard- but especially so when it is a D/s relationship.

To answer your question, I am sexually submissive by nature. I guess I was born that way. But I am not submissive to just anyone. After my first relationship with a Dom ended I had about 7 years of straight sex (a couple of long term and countless one-night-stands) before I found the one it felt right with. I always craved the submission, but for me it's not enough in itself- it must be with the right partner.

 

[kitten]

I'm liking you more and more. First seeing you on the GB, now here...

I know what you mean. For me, it's extraordinarily hard to imagine giving myself up to someone the way that I have to my lover/Dom. He is my first Dom, and he has taught me so much about myself, and I've learned so much about people in my experiences with him... I've trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone else. How could I ever do that again? Not only are we close lovers, but we are extremely close friends as well. That seems like when the time comes, as I know it will, it will be hard to replace.

Some people can, and some people can't. I think it's difficult no matter what. I also think that most people can do it again, if they find the strength to wait for the right person.

I have personally been struggling recently with the same problem, except just looking into the future. How am I supposed to find someone after him? I know this isn't going to last forever. (I don't really want to talk about why that is right now.)

All I can tell you is to be strong, and don't just give in for anybody-- wait until you've found the right person. Someone who makes you feel comfortable, someone who is patient, and someone you feel you can trust. Beyond that, I can't do much else.

 

[sub_in_spain]

i think you are born submissive or dominant, not just sexually but in general.

im not sure about being born to serve 1 person, but they say "there is some1 out there for every1" (sounds like a slut to me haha) so i suppose if you and a person are a perfect match then you probably are made to serve/dominate?

 

[Calabama]

Thank you guys all so much for your advice, I can't even tell you how much I appreciate it!

I'm liking you more and more. First seeing you on the GB, now here...

I know what you mean. For me, it's extraordinarily hard to imagine giving myself up to someone the way that I have to my lover/Dom. He is my first Dom, and he has taught me so much about myself, and I've learned so much about people in my experiences with him... I've trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone else. How could I ever do that again? Not only are we close lovers, but we are extremely close friends as well. That seems like when the time comes, as I know it will, it will be hard to replace.

It sounds like that's exactly what I've gone through. It is hard to replace.... like.... impossible.

 

[DystopiaNoir]

i think you are born submissive or dominant, not just sexually but in general.

I tend to disagree. It has been my experience that people can be dominant on the "outside" and submissive sexually, or vice versa. This can be for a lot of reasons, but that is beyond the scope of this thread.

Myself, however, I am submissive through and through. I've come to terms with the fact that I am "eager to please" whether at work, in friendships, or in romantic relationships. Maturity and experience keep me from being a doormat, but whether I like to admit it or not, I like pleasing those close to me.

 

[twysted73]

This sounds kind of stalker-ish.

You've misunderstood a message within a message Etoile.

The word "present" in bold is a trigger for TeachMe. She was simply leaving her discovery's time stamp because she knew I would find it upon revisiting this tread for that very purpose.

Snap judgements are never a good thing.

*defends her honor as He should*

 

[faeriefire]

i honestly don't know if i was born submissive or if my childhood made me a submissive person. i was born the youngest of five, my siblings were all very outgoing and much older than i was. i was bullied and picked on, physically and mentally. i was very quiet and grew into a quiet, introverted teenager who never wanted to create a fuss or cause trouble.

i am still a bit like this today, although, thankfully, i came out of my shell. i love to laugh, i love people, i am still a wee bit shy to this day but i've come so far. my submissiveness has never changed. i think it makes me a special person. i'm not sure what caused it but it is ingrained in me.

Other than the 4 siblings and physical picking on this could be a description of me. Submission has been part of me a long time, I just didn't know what to call it. When the realization came I wanted to reach out and explore, learn what this feels like, where it will take me. And now after that first step I know that this is right. Awhile back I ended one relationship because I knew something was missing. It felt wrong, incomplete. Everything else, and I do mean everything else felt right. Yet it still wasn't enough. At the time I didn't know what D/s was, but I knew there was something off and now that I've learned more I can see the missing pieces so clearly. I don't know if my upbringing brought out the submissive in me. What I do know is that she's part of me and she's here for good.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Other than the 4 siblings and physical picking on this could be a description of me. Submission has been part of me a long time, I just didn't know what to call it. When the realization came I wanted to reach out and explore, learn what this feels like, where it will take me. And now after that first step I know that this is right. Awhile back I ended one relationship because I knew something was missing. It felt wrong, incomplete. Everything else, and I do mean everything else felt right. Yet it still wasn't enough. At the time I didn't know what D/s was, but I knew there was something off and now that I've learned more I can see the missing pieces so clearly. I don't know if my upbringing brought out the submissive in me. What I do know is that she's part of me and she's here for good.

Oh faerie it's wonderful to hear you sound so content and happy with your choices. Love your new av btw. It is just beautiful.

 

[Etoile]

You've misunderstood a message within a message Etoile.

The word "present" in bold is a trigger for TeachMe. She was simply leaving her discovery's time stamp because she knew I would find it upon revisiting this tread for that very purpose.

Snap judgements are never a good thing.

*defends her honor as He should*

Um, okay, I'm kind of laughing here. You actually think her honor was at risk because of a little thing I said, which was based on a little game between two people that I couldn't possibly have known anything about? Come on now, you must see how silly this post was. I commented on what I saw, I didn't misunderstand anything - what I said was based on the available information at the time. If you don't want people to respond to person-to-person conversations, have them in PM, eh?